Nothing is real. tw maybe?

Erik Zachary

Registrant
Therapy has been becoming increasingly frustrating and I've left feeling worse and worse every time.

It feels like my T isn't listening. Like she doesn't understand how severe my emotions are, how intense they are. But she just isn't listening!
My mantra the last while has been "Everything is meaningless. Nothing is real. Nothing matters. I can do anything I want and no one can stop me." Which, that is all very true to me. I see my life as void of meaning, I haven't felt alive for so long, Nothing I am doing matters, I can do anything I want ANYTHING and no one can stop me and I don't particularly care about the consequences.

I am doing my best to live a life that others consider positive/productive. I go to the gym frequently. I spend lots of time socializing. I go outside and get sunshine frequently. I read. I do my best at school (even though its not enough). I go to therapy and speak honestly about what I am feeling. I am working on quitting smoking. I haven't gotten drunk for a while.
I do also do things that people would consider bad. Don't sleep. Don't eat as much as I should. Meet up with older men...

Not today's session but last time my T almost started crying because she said I am unpredictable. It felt good to me when she said that but I felt uncomfortable that she was going to cry. It felt almost like she was going to try to guilt me into changing something.
But I firmly believe that everything is meaningless, I'm not real, nothing I do matters. I believe that I am destined to die by suicide, not anytime remotely soon I promise. Since I was 13 I believed this, it comes and goes in it's intensity but it has always been a thought of mine.

I feel so numb yet I also feel so much pain. Such intense pain. It is like I am endlessly screaming but no one can hear me. I don't hide the fact that I am not doing well (depending on who it is I won't let on how severely not well), but no one sees me. No one gets what I am trying to say. I am speaking a different language.
My T tries to compliment me but I can't stand it, it makes me so angry. I've told her I am not allowed to believe nice things about myself (this stems from two years of 24/7 emotional abuse) and that I am unhappy when she says those things. It feels forced. When I speak of my eternal intense loneliness she tells me every human is lonely, and I shut up. It feels she is disregarding what I am trying to tell her. I know other people feel lonely but mine is different than most people. I grew up lonely, I was traumatized lonely, I live lonely. I don't even have myself to be lonely with.
If you think she is trying to tell me I am not alone that doesn't feel like it. Because she doesn't say I'm not alone. She says everyone is lonely and leaves it there.

I don't care if I throw away my life. I can do anything, and I don't particularly care about consequences. There are guys who are offering me a lot of money to be their "sugar baby" and I am completely fine with that life. I can make money by doing nothing but just being young and gay. I don't really care if I sell myself, I don't like myself. I don't care about what happens to me.

I don't feel alive or real. I feel numb but also in pain and angry.

I am not going to do anything stupid or anything to hurt myself. I just needed to release everything. Thank you.
-Zac
 
I'm only new on MS, so I probably don't have the least idea how to respond to your post correctly/appropriately, but I want to try here so that you don't go to bed feeling unheard, haha.

Your post rings a lot of familiarity bells for me, but from a very very long time ago.

With respect, I think that what you truly need is to find your own unique "compass direction/setting" in life, so that you can throw all of your energies & enthusiasm in one direction that excites you and gives you a good reason to get up & go in the mornings.

I luckily stumbled upon my own back in 1986.
 
Hi Erik, I think that post is a part of being triggered, and it does stir things up in me too. It's good to do that writing, and to get the parts that contribute to pain out in the open. I've understood your struggles, and from your description, your T isn't getting it. It's also not good she almost cried, that's not horrible, but she's there for you, not the other way. I value a lot of what you share, and know how hard this part of life is with what you're dealing with. It's very hard to see what's there and where to go. In that, I mean future jobs, possible relationship/s, etc...


I hear struggle about connections with others, and I think that's so common for us all. Doing what you want is empowering in some way, though, hindsight sometimes burdens us.
 
Seems to be a painful place to be in Erik. I'm sorry it is so hard. Finding a good match with a therapist isn't necessarily easy and it may be this woman isn't up to the task. I hope you're clear with her about what you're wanting from therapy. The fellow I started working with last week has me do two assessments of our work each week. We do one at the beginning of the session when I report on how what we did in therapy last week has been played out over the week personally, in relationships and socially. Then at the end of the session I grade the session, again on four dimensions... engagement of therapist, feeling my goals were being met, how I'm feeling at the moment and a fourth I don't remember... it might be a general assessment of the session. When I didn't feel today that my goals had been met he asked me about that.

I've never had this kind of engagement with a therapist so I understand this is perhaps unique, but the theory behind it strikes me as clear and valuable to consider. As he put it, therapy is collaborative and what I'm wanted to work on and how I feel about how it is going are essential ingredients. It does ask of me that I become clear about what I want and also requires that I articulate my needs, which isn't something most trauma survivors are comfortable doing. That is perhaps why this is the way he does therapy since he specializes in working with trauma survivors.

I'd encourage you to think about what you want from your therapy and then to bring the subject up with your therapist. Tell her what is working and what isn't. She can either take that conversation and reshape therapy so it works for you, or she can't, in which case you probably should be looking for a different therapist. But bottom line, it doesn't serve you to be carrying this feeling of not being met or heard in therapy. If that is happening there really isn't much reason for going. This is a good way in which you can be an advocate for yourself rather than simply a victim of her misinformed treatment approach. You deserve better my friend.
 
Therapy has been becoming increasingly frustrating and I've left feeling worse and worse every time.

It feels like my T isn't listening. Like she doesn't understand how severe my emotions are, how intense they are. But she just isn't listening!
My mantra the last while has been "Everything is meaningless. Nothing is real. Nothing matters. I can do anything I want and no one can stop me." Which, that is all very true to me. I see my life as void of meaning, I haven't felt alive for so long, Nothing I am doing matters, I can do anything I want ANYTHING and no one can stop me and I don't particularly care about the consequences.

I am doing my best to live a life that others consider positive/productive. I go to the gym frequently. I spend lots of time socializing. I go outside and get sunshine frequently. I read. I do my best at school (even though its not enough). I go to therapy and speak honestly about what I am feeling. I am working on quitting smoking. I haven't gotten drunk for a while.
I do also do things that people would consider bad. Don't sleep. Don't eat as much as I should. Meet up with older men...

Not today's session but last time my T almost started crying because she said I am unpredictable. It felt good to me when she said that but I felt uncomfortable that she was going to cry. It felt almost like she was going to try to guilt me into changing something.
But I firmly believe that everything is meaningless, I'm not real, nothing I do matters. I believe that I am destined to die by suicide, not anytime remotely soon I promise. Since I was 13 I believed this, it comes and goes in it's intensity but it has always been a thought of mine.

I feel so numb yet I also feel so much pain. Such intense pain. It is like I am endlessly screaming but no one can hear me. I don't hide the fact that I am not doing well (depending on who it is I won't let on how severely not well), but no one sees me. No one gets what I am trying to say. I am speaking a different language.
My T tries to compliment me but I can't stand it, it makes me so angry. I've told her I am not allowed to believe nice things about myself (this stems from two years of 24/7 emotional abuse) and that I am unhappy when she says those things. It feels forced. When I speak of my eternal intense loneliness she tells me every human is lonely, and I shut up. It feels she is disregarding what I am trying to tell her. I know other people feel lonely but mine is different than most people. I grew up lonely, I was traumatized lonely, I live lonely. I don't even have myself to be lonely with.
If you think she is trying to tell me I am not alone that doesn't feel like it. Because she doesn't say I'm not alone. She says everyone is lonely and leaves it there.

I don't care if I throw away my life. I can do anything, and I don't particularly care about consequences. There are guys who are offering me a lot of money to be their "sugar baby" and I am completely fine with that life. I can make money by doing nothing but just being young and gay. I don't really care if I sell myself, I don't like myself. I don't care about what happens to me.

I don't feel alive or real. I feel numb but also in pain and angry.

I am not going to do anything stupid or anything to hurt myself. I just needed to release everything. Thank you.
-Zac
I’m sorry your going through this Zac, many of us on here have had many of the same feelings. I’m pretty new on here and don’t feel qualified to give you advise. You are not alone in your struggle. I also believed I was destine to die by suicide or at the very least young. Sometimes those feeling come back. I’m now 60 and hoping for a long healthy life. I have started with a new counselor last week. Have a 2nd session today. If this doesn’t work out I’m simply and unapologetically going to find a new one. I know I need help and I’m destined to find it. It’s good to vent on here. I wish you well in your journey. Bob
 

MACH123

Registrant
I felt like that when I was your age but you know it, I didn't. I wanted to do what you are talking about but it was never at the level of a conscious choice meaning I couldn't act in it one way or other.

All I could do was shut the door like locking a crazy relative in a closet or cellar.

Then life was like talking to people down in the living room and hearing noises and trying to pretend it wasn't there. Things stayed like that for 30 years or so.

I'd probably say get another therapist but, IDK. Having someone support me for sex is how I always have lived. It was always women though which is quite a bit different of course. It's the dynamic of the relationship and not the gender of the participants I'm talking about. It's not as simple as the way I said it.

But that was how I always felt like I should give someone sex and they should pay for it. Even if the payment was love? Shelter security whatever. I hope that makes sense. To me those feelings come from being wanted for that like I was a girl. Wanted for sex. I never got over that and it shaped everything about me.

My therapist pissed me off yesterday lol. I appreciate your posts.
 

Brennan87

Registrant
Erick Z,
I think a lot of us can relate to the self worth feelings you have outlined. It is okay to express them and the pain they generate. I completely agree with Visitor regarding your therapist. It's is important for you to collaborate and express your objectives, what is working/what isn't working. Otherwise she won't know how to tailor your individual plan.
 

Erik Zachary

Registrant
Seems to be a painful place to be in Erik. I'm sorry it is so hard. Finding a good match with a therapist isn't necessarily easy and it may be this woman isn't up to the task. I hope you're clear with her about what you're wanting from therapy. The fellow I started working with last week has me do two assessments of our work each week. We do one at the beginning of the session when I report on how what we did in therapy last week has been played out over the week personally, in relationships and socially. Then at the end of the session I grade the session, again on four dimensions... engagement of therapist, feeling my goals were being met, how I'm feeling at the moment and a fourth I don't remember... it might be a general assessment of the session. When I didn't feel today that my goals had been met he asked me about that.

I've never had this kind of engagement with a therapist so I understand this is perhaps unique, but the theory behind it strikes me as clear and valuable to consider. As he put it, therapy is collaborative and what I'm wanted to work on and how I feel about how it is going are essential ingredients. It does ask of me that I become clear about what I want and also requires that I articulate my needs, which isn't something most trauma survivors are comfortable doing. That is perhaps why this is the way he does therapy since he specializes in working with trauma survivors.

I'd encourage you to think about what you want from your therapy and then to bring the subject up with your therapist. Tell her what is working and what isn't. She can either take that conversation and reshape therapy so it works for you, or she can't, in which case you probably should be looking for a different therapist. But bottom line, it doesn't serve you to be carrying this feeling of not being met or heard in therapy. If that is happening there really isn't much reason for going. This is a good way in which you can be an advocate for yourself rather than simply a victim of her misinformed treatment approach. You deserve better my friend.
I'm not sure what I want from therapy. I'm not sure I really want to continue therapy. It is so amazing that your T has you do those assessments. And setting goals for therapy is a new idea to me. Something more to explore. Thank you so much for sharing Visitor
 

Erik Zachary

Registrant
But that was how I always felt like I should give someone sex and they should pay for it. Even if the payment was love? Shelter security whatever. I hope that makes sense. To me those feelings come from being wanted for that like I was a girl. Wanted for sex. I never got over that and it shaped everything about me.

My therapist pissed me off yesterday lol. I appreciate your posts.
It feels good to be wanted by men. I get messages everyday of strangers calling me hot or cute or whatever. My first boyfriend spent two years telling me how ugly and awful I was, so these guys are refreshing. It doesn't rule my life or whatever it is just something to do that makes me feel good, at least for a bit.

If you don't mind my asking, what did your T do that pissed you off?
 

Erik Zachary

Registrant
Hi Erik, I think that post is a part of being triggered, and it does stir things up in me too. It's good to do that writing, and to get the parts that contribute to pain out in the open. I've understood your struggles, and from your description, your T isn't getting it. It's also not good she almost cried, that's not horrible, but she's there for you, not the other way. I value a lot of what you share, and know how hard this part of life is with what you're dealing with. It's very hard to see what's there and where to go. In that, I mean future jobs, possible relationship/s, etc...


I hear struggle about connections with others, and I think that's so common for us all. Doing what you want is empowering in some way, though, hindsight sometimes burdens us.
It feels good to be heard. Thank you so much Ceremony.
 
Erik, does your therapist have experience treating trauma?

After my trauma I went to many therapists, but none of them were trauma therapists, and they did nothing to help me. In my experience, only an experienced trauma therapist can help guys like us.
 

MACH123

Registrant
It feels good to be wanted by men. I get messages everyday of strangers calling me hot or cute or whatever. My first boyfriend spent two years telling me how ugly and awful I was, so these guys are refreshing. It doesn't rule my life or whatever it is just something to do that makes me feel good, at least for a bit.

If you don't mind my asking, what did your T do that pissed you off?
We are always fighting lol. IDK how to explain that. She's a real person and she doesn't hide it, and a woman, and a survivor. AND as she says, a Sicilian lol.

She pushes on me. That's the easiest way to say it. We were not together long and she said "I love how you come in here and argue with me."

We don't see things the same way. Who does though? I appreciate her and the work she's done for survivors.

Unlike my other therapists, I never insisted on knowing about her outside therapy.
 

Erik Zachary

Registrant
Erik, does your therapist have experience treating trauma?

After my trauma I went to many therapists, but none of them were trauma therapists, and they did nothing to help me. In my experience, only an experienced trauma therapist can help guys like us.
I think she does. She doesn't tell me much about her experience.
 
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