Nothing but NEGATIVE VIBES

Nothing but NEGATIVE VIBES
M

Muldoon

Registrant
Nothing but NEGATIVE VIBES

Throught things where going somewhat good but everything fell apart Friday afternoon. Wife and I drove into the Cities together. She had a half-day of work and I was going to run some errands. We have been walking on glass all week since our disagreement on Monday. There was some money for training available to me because the place I work for 2 jobs ago went Bankrupt. The time for using the money was to end in March. I worked hard to line every thing up to get training in Photoshop, Illustrator and Dreamweaver. It may not be a job but it is a move forward so I was excited about this new stage in my life.
Well when I told wife she just sat there and said nothing, just sent her NEGATIVE VIBES my way. "So you have nothing to say" I asked " I just think you are a old dinosaur and those young wiper snapper will run circles around you and no one will hire you." That sure killed my good feeling.
So come Friday I didnt finish all my stuff, wanted to make sure I was waiting in the parking lot when she got of work. Got there 20 minutes early so I stated writing in my journal and reading some post that I printed out. Before I know it, it was 20 after 5 and she havent come out or called me on the cell phone. I figured she was working late but didnt have time to call me. Little did I know that she was standing 20 feet away from me inside the doorway watching every car pulling into the lot. She never looked out side to see if I was there early before she got off work. Wife had nothing but Neg. Vibes for me, it never entered her mind that I could be there early. She finally called the cell phone at 5:30 and I told her I was in the parking lot waiting. Well it was my entire fault that she was going to miss her hair cut. I told her that I did nothing wrong I was waiting there early. I just didnt understand her anger at me.
Now I am beginning to wonder if we can make it by, all the shit I am going though. Hopefully thing will get better, we arent talking at all now. Muldoon
 
Hi Muldoon:

Keep the faith brother. This is one of those marvelous roads we have all been down and like all the other times we have passed this way, the storm will pass and life will return to normal.
You are on a mission and in the long run, you will be rewarded for all the hard work you are doing. Just don't let it get to you.

The positive vibes are now heading your way.

Always keeping a good thought,

Gary

Check your mail.........
 
Muldoon
my first reaction to your post was "oh shit, I know that feeling !" which I do - believe me.
I've ended so many days in a confused rage, wondering what the hell went wrong and why we spent most of the day in an uncomfortable silence.
It's a shit feeling.

But I also wonder just how many of those incidents were down to me just pulling the rug from under my own feet ?
I know how much I used to hit the self destruct button, and I still can, just to make myself feel like the loser I believed I was.

I distinctly remember a similar situation to yours that happened a few years back where I sat and waited for my wife until she turned up very distressed and angry.
We had arranged to meet in a particular place and when I arrived she wasn't there. So I waited a while and got annoyed, but I also thought that we might have misunderstood the exact meeting place.
And did I get off my arse and look ? did I hell. I just waited in the full knowledge of what was going to happen - she'd be angry, I'd feel like the martyr.

I didn't understand this role at all at the time, although I did sort of know that what I did was not normal behaviour.

I know now, with the wonderful benefit of hindsight, that I had my finger on the self destruct button more or less all the time.
My abuse made me feel worthless so I was just carrying on.

Maybe it's not what's going on for you Muldoon, but whatever it is I hope you can both work it out.
Keep talking, then talk some more.

Dave
 
Muldoon:

I thot of the same thing Dave thot of and for the same reason--not necessarily becuz you are doing that, but becuz looking back I know I have, tho I woulda denied it at the time; and sometimes I still keep my finger on that red self-destruct button.

Also, have you tried coming right out and asking your wife why, going by your side of the story which is all I have and have no reason not to believe, she is being so negative? Why she doesn't encourage you to use your "dinosaur" wisdom to run circles around those young whipper-snappers? Why she in this instance in the parking lot seemed to assume you were late instead of early, and didn't call sooner?

A time of giving each other some mutually agreed upon silence, and space, can be helpful. But just not talking is bound to be destructive to your relationship over the long haul.

Maybe you could ask her some of those questions?
Maybe apologize for not calling her before 5:30, even if you meant no harm?

I don't know, friend; you know your wife & your relationship & how she might react to any of these questions or words from you. But Dave is right--communicate. Someway, somehow, gently break the ice forming between the two of you.

Brother, I know it's tough when you have good ideas or positive feelings and someone smothers you with the proverbial wet blanket--especially when that someone is your wife, someone really close to you & important to you.

This just happened to me yesterday when talking with my wife about advocacy & going public. I probably came on too strong, and she probably overreacted. I was PO'd. But we talked it out. Is it settled? No. Are there still differences about this? Oh yes (but that's another post sometime).
But we broke the ice before it got too thick, and we're ok now. We'll talk more later of course.

Muldoon, I'm not bragging or holding myself up as a model here. Too many times I've let the ice get so thick I needed communication dynamite to finally crack thru it. Goes mostly to my own intimacy & trust issues.

What I do know is it's not worth it.

Anyway, I know its tough bro. I join Gary and others in sending good vibrations your way.

Take care

Victor
 
Muldoon my BROTHER there is a whole lot of good stuff here for you to sort through.
Pesonally I dont think anybody is more adept and pushing my buttons that MYSELF.
 
Muldoon my BROTHER there is a whole lot of good stuff here for you to sort through.
Pesonally I dont think anybody is more adept and pushing my buttons that MYSELF. When I am down I literally go out of my way to ensure that the button is pushed so I can get angry and vent my spleen and then get comfortable in that guilt blanket that I am so used to. As I have said before our perps were, all of them, great electricians. They hotwired our brain. We know we are hotwired and still we persist. Whats the answer. I dont know. Maybe all you brothers from everywhere but Canada should use our exclamation. "EH". Promounced A. We are continually seeking verbal confirmation that we are on the right track and that we are good boys eh. That is a bit of humour. God we can certainly never get enough of that. I have sat down with NICOLE (my beautiful wife) and we have talked about how I set myself up to guarantee the buttons are pushed. She still thinks I am thick headed in all of this and she is probably right.
 
Muldoon:

Come join me on the dark side bro...I know the path you walk. Watch out for the eggshells, the broken glass, the dirty looks, and don't forget to read MINDS while u are here. Isn't this great?

BUT

I look around me, i see three beautiful sons, gratyifying job, shelter, food, transportation, and physical health. If all i got to complain about is my relationship with and about my wife, I need to smarten up. I know it' snot the answer or the best way to look at things, but there are many people in this world who dont have and would sacrifice alot to have what I have. I count my blessings, smell the roses, even tho the thorns tend to nick my nose alot.

Hang in there Bro.

Orodo
 
Such beautiful words all. Thanks. I know what you say about pushing the buttons to set my self up for the fall. I should of know she wouldn't look for me. But some how I didn,t give a fuck. I am growing old of having to be the leader all the time. For so many years I had to be totaly in control, but that was the old days. I just want to be equal pathers now.
The good thing we are apart until next Tuesday, she,s working out of town. It will give us time to understand all the shit that went down.
I do know what a good thing I have . It is so special just to have some one to share life with. Things are moving forward at the capital and I know the positive forces are moving our way. More about that later on Thur. Muldoon
 
Thanks, Muldoon, for this post. The responses from all the brothers have been very enlightening for me.

I'd like to share something that an 85 year old man told me on his birthday. It's a bit corny, but it is a very real fact of his life.

He said, "My wife and I have been married over 60 years. We have never had any talk about divorce and we have never really had a serious argument."

He said, "I always try to put into practice something my father told me as a young man. He said, 'never go to bed angry at each other, and always get up in the morning like you've got a reason for living!'"

I suppose we can learn a lot from an old dinosaur, EH? HA!

Muldoon, when Monica and I have our disagreements and I skulk off in a self-righteous huff like I've got some justifiable reason, after a while I think of what it would be like if I lost her somehow, either in some tragic accident or some terminal illness. Then, after I cry a lot at the horribleness of this thought, I pull myself together and go and hug her and I tell her I'm sorry (she always knows for what) and I tell her I love her more than anyone or anything, and I ask her to forgive me, and she does.

Brothers, we all need to ask our partners to forgive us, just on general principles. Because, after all, it's not easy to live with a Male Survivor, and you KNOW that's the truth.

Sorry for preachin again, but I'm talking to myself, really.

I'm so sad, tonight. I really feel the loss of Gunnar. I am so sorry he's gone.

Sincerely, Jess.
 
I remember something that my father said on mom and dad's wedding aniversary before he died. They would have celebrated thier 49th wedding aniversary a month after he died.

What dad said was ...

"the day Sally and I got married Idecided that I would let her win all the small arguments ... and I would win all the big arguments. ....Well in 49 years of marriage ... there has never been a big argument"

Hope it all works out

John
 
Muldoon

For so many years I had to be totaly in control, but that was the old days. I just want to be equal pathers now.
Click to expand...
I was just the opposite, Linda's always been a strong woman and she still is, and I was always so submissive and undemanding. Now I'm having to learn how to stand up for myself and say what I want, but as any married man would probably admit - that's a friggin minefield ;) :D
Someday we'll get to the equal partners bit, if I have any limbs left! :o


Brothers, we all need to ask our partners to forgive us, just on general principles. Because, after all, it's not easy to live with a Male Survivor, and you KNOW that's the truth.
Click to expand...
Jess, that IS the truth, and some of us have more groveling that others to do...... :rolleyes:

Dave
 
Thanks for all the great words guys. I have been gone and haven,t been here much this week. So much has hapened to our brothers here this week it makes me realize how much good there is in my life. Your input has helped me a lot to look at things from a better viewpoint. Muldoon
 
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