notes and answers?

notes and answers?
M

markgreyblue

Registrant
after the abuse and during it - i just kept on going


i kept dealing with my daily tasks ..but really nothing else in my world -

people, desires and feelings
none of these in a balanced way -

questions:

do any of you find that you feel there is something essentially wrong with you?
that needs to be fixed?
over and over...?

do any of you feel that you need to dissociate from yourself?
in order for people to like you?
for you to make and keep friends?

i fear my snap moods will throw it all away -

i have a fear that i will not think of people at all if i do not somehow keep 'in a dissociative state..'and thereby reasonable??? - i dunno these
moments of fear are confusing cause at once i feel
a moment of elation in being in tune with myself
and then fearful of what this may portend..or mean..

I am trying to break this pattern -- these old tapes - but it is a challenge....

any response would be great.

mgb
 
Mark,

I identify with you completely.

I constantly think that there is something fundamentaly wrong with me. And always looking for a way to fix it. That's why I started therapy.

As far as the dissacociation goes, I know that I definately am constantly in that state. Only when I am alone do I "become" me. There is a defender, I believe, that steps forward to keep me safe when I deal with others. Is it a good thing? Yes and no. It keeps me safe, but it does not allow people to know the real me.

My T says that part of what we are working on is to "re-integrate" the dissacocative parts of me to become the one.

Hope this helps.

Take care, Mark!

Marc
 
Thanks Marc -
 
Hi Markgreyblue.

I can relate to so much of what you have said, for years after my abuse, I tried to deny to myself that it ever happened. During the abuse I 'split off' from it and I continued trying to 'split off' from it until I hit a major crisis. The only problem when I most needed to deny the feelings that were/are aroused from being abused, when I'm feeling vulnerable these are the times I'm most effected by the feelings of being overwhelmed, that I'm no good, that I deserved to be abused, that I'll never be able to settle with someone to love or be loved, because I can never be fixed!!!

Paraodoxically, I believe that we only change when we acknowledge who we are (including all the contradictions of feelings such as fear at the same time as elation) and stop trying to be something we aren't. Hope that makes sense. What I'm trying to say is, there is no more wrong with you than there is with me or anyone else in the world, neither of us need to be fixed, unfortuanelty or fortunately (however way you look at it) the beauty of humanity is that we are all to some extent broken.

It sounds as though you are setting a VERY high standard for yourself, (I often do the same), maybe we need to learn how to care for ourselves, cherish ourseleves we are worthy of good friends, respect, fun, laughter, love etc.

Warm regards

Mark S
 
Thanks Mark S
 
Oh yeah!

Before I even knew my problems were because of the abuse, I used to sit and look out the window wondering what was wrong with me, why am I not happy?

Then I slowly understood that the abuse was the root cause of the problems and little by little the wrongness sort of faded.

Hope that helps, I know, for me anyway, it helps just to know I'm not the only one that goes through the weird stuff, even if I don't know how to fix it.
 
MGB,

I have so many "pieces" I don't know where to start. I have no continuity in my memory at all. I feel like I am riding through a dark fog aboard a boat. The future, i.e., nothing, a void, is in front of me. The past is lost in that lightless void behind me. Everything below the surface is gone, as if it never happened. Some rocks and tree trunks jut above the water in some places, but only behind me. They are the incidents, each completely separate from one another, the events of what passes for "my life."

My wife used to get angry (I think it was angry. It wasn't happy.) because I took so many pictures. I spent around $900 on a digital camera and some supplies a couple years ago. It paid for itself in film and processing costs in less than half a year. Because if there is no documentation, no proof, then it never happened.

I sit at this machine and I stand behind the chair and watch me type. There are logs of phone calls to numbers I do not know, in places I do not recall visiting. I read things, here and in journals, that I do not remember writing, describing events I do not recall living, or emotions I do not even recognize. The entries are dated, and they're all in one of my handwriting styles (Well, not in the computer text files :) ), so it's not some plot to make me think I'm crazy.

I used to wonder about how little I could recall of "my life." Finally I decided it would drive me crazier, so by fiat I declared my memory "normal." I decided that "No one remembers things. There's nothing wrong with my memory."

I hear myself say things and have no idea what I'm talking about. I have been caught "having conversations with myself" so many times that I stopped feeling self concious about it years ago. Until getting into therapy I believed that everyone did, and the ones who seemed surprised at mine were just kidding or something. People would laugh when they would ask me about something, and I had no clue. "But you were just saying blah, blah, blah. You just said it." Typically, I answered, "Well, I wasn't listening to me." 'Cause I wasn't.

I'm sure there was a point when I started this post. Let me know if you happen to find it.

Thanks,

Joe
 
I think it is the "over and over again" part that gets us down the most. We crawl out of a hole and then seem to fall back into it again. But I believe that we get stronger crawling out and no matter how the effects of csa try to beat us down, they just can't get us once we have learned that life can be better--even good at times.

Keep up the struggle MGB--you are building inner strength that will carry you through the really difficult times that may or may not lie ahead.

Bob
 
MBG,

I, too, feel that there is a flaw, that I am damged goods. W/a supportive wife and good T I hope to overcome this, but many a times, I feel like this is just me and will be until I pass from this planet.

I also agree that each of us gets stronger and stronger when we continue, crawl forward, wake up and go to work, cry, scream, break a few things. Even though I am still a confused, scared, pain-filled person, these people here let me know that I am not crazy or alone! Neither are you!

PEACE!

TJ
 
These are good questions, and normal reactions, I think, Mark.

As for me, it isn't to make people like me, but it's to deal with, or escape from, some of the emotions that are too painful.

It seems that, in addition to carrying a little boy inside my head, I still am one in many ways, and I prefer running to fighting.

In order to break these patterns, though, it's become necessary to do some old-fashioned facing-down of the evils done to me. I must face and deal with that I want to run from.

Maybe dealing with people is your fear. So what to do?

Well, you seem to express yourself here really well, and you have made a great many friends (myself included), so you ARE a good man and truly worthy of being loved. Perhaps facing others as who you really are, not disassociating. Just allowing people in to be your friend. To care for you. To love you.

Easier said than done, I know, Mark. But I think in small stages, you can do it. The small stages will lead to longer ones and soon you will be able to be yourself.

As for others liking you, well, I've already said, and the folks here back me up on it, you are a good person and a good friend. You can't like everybody, nor can everybody like you. If they can't deal with who you are (a wonderful, caring, loving person), well, then (excuse the language. I'm dealing with anger today), fuck 'em.

They aren't worthy of you.

You are worthy of so much more.

Let me say this, Mark. I like you, I care for you, yes, I LOVE you for who you are. You are a pretty damn fine guy.

It's THEIR loss, those who don't care to know you.

Peace and love, Mark.

Scot
 
Mark
for me the feelings of being useless, sub-standard even, and escaping by dissociating was probably about the hardest thing I've battled with. And I still have a fight on my hands sometimes, but I win more often now.

I thought I had to create an alternative world just for me, but the problem with that is other people come along and interfere, they live with us and alongside us, and the fantasy world I / we create just doesn't hold up.

But reality isn't that bad, most of the things I though I couldn't do I've discovered I can do.
I've even set some fairly high standards and ideals for myself, and if I don't always achieve them - then so what ? I just make more time and try again. I figured out that 'normals' do just this so why cant I ? And as long as I dont bullshit my way out with crap excuses people understand, and help.

Behind the abuse we are 'normals' as well, we just have to overcome the feeling of being different.

MarkS says it all - ( nice to see you again Mark )

Paraodoxically, I believe that we only change when we acknowledge who we are (including all the contradictions of feelings such as fear at the same time as elation) and stop trying to be something we aren't. Hope that makes sense. What I'm trying to say is, there is no more wrong with you than there is with me or anyone else in the world, neither of us need to be fixed, unfortuanelty or fortunately (however way you look at it) the beauty of humanity is that we are all to some extent broken.
Click to expand...
Dave
 
Mark,

I'm believing that the effects of the SA are worse than the actual abuse. The punishment I have given myself. The shame and blame I laid upon myself. That lasted longer than the actual abuse and lead me to further abuse.

Denial. Avoidance. Sometimes dealing with the daily tasks takes every bit of strength and courage we can muster. That doesn't leave us with anything left to apply to other things. People. Desires. Feelings. They all take a back seat to just making it through the day.

Is there something essentially wrong with me that needs to be fixed? Yeap. Over the past year, this wrong has changed. It was my inadequacies, inability to be anything worth a damn. Now, it is the keeping those thoughts down to a minimum, knowing that I am worthwhile. This is something that is needed over and over and over again. Anytime the thoughts come up, they need to be pushed away.

Do I dissociate? That's something I have really noticed. Several months ago it was really bad. I had no physical feeling whatsoever. I didn't like that - I'd think that it would be nice to have a break from the pains that inflict me. Had I been doing this all along? Probably, but I really just started to be concious when I do it. Do I do it to get people to like me? No. Actually I did almost anything to do the opposite. People liking me wouldn't be the punishment I 'deserved'. Overall, I don't care if people like me or not. If they don't, it's their loss, not mine.

Mood swings can really throw bystanders for a loop. We all have good days and bad days. Years ago, I used to find Midol on my case at work, there was an indication that I was having a bad day. Knowing some of the things that causes the bad days and avoiding them when I can, they don't happen as much. Even when I can't avoid them, knowing of them, has made the days less bad. No matter what, we will never avoid having a bad day now and then.

Having had a bad day isn't a reason to beat yourself up over them. Take it easy on yourself. Accept what happens that you can't change. Those are in no way your fault. Change what you can. Even in a weak moment, knowing that you can change it and are moving to that end, you are doing good.

These patterns of behavior have long been engrained in us. It takes time to identify them, more time to change them, and more time to get comfortable with them.

Take care and be easy on yourself,
Bill
 
I often feel I am broken. That there has been a part of me taken away, leaving some hole in me that will never again be filled by anything. I am not sure what it is that is missing, I just know it is something huge, something that without it, I am so much defective.

Disocciation, that is something that I do, very much, but it is not like I have control with it. It is not something that I do by conscious choice. But I think it is probably a healthy and safe thing at times. I am not sure what the answers are for you. I just hope that you learn to feel better about yourself, and know that you are not beyond feeling better.

Leosha
 
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