Note from our President: Weekends of Recovery

Note from our President: Weekends of Recovery
Nathan LaChine

Nathan LaChine

Webmaster
Staff member
MALESURVIVOR WEEKENDS OF RECOVERY TO RESUME!

The Board of Directors of MaleSurvivor and the MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery Committee is thrilled to announce the resumption of this important program! Over the last 6 months we have developed a protocol to guide the staff before, during and after the weekends. A review of the administration and staff has also been completed, and the Board has authorized Howard Fradkin, Ph.D., Chairperson of the Weekends of Recovery Committee, to recruit the staff necessary to carry out the program. In addition, the Board has secured liaiblity insurance coverage to protect both the organization and the progarm.

MaleSurvivor first instituted the Weekends of Recovery in 2001 as an additional service to survivors to help them make further progress in their recovery through organized activities in the company of other male survivors. The weekends were also designed to provide additional tools the men could use when they returned home to promote even further headway in their recovery.

The following weekends of recovery are now planned for the remainder of 2005:
∑ Level I (open to any survivors): Sept. 9-11, 2005 at Alta Lodge, Alta, Utah (outside of Salt Lake City)
∑ Clergy Abuse Survivor Weekend: Nov. 4-6, 2005 at Kirkridge, Bangor, PA

Registration for both of these weekends will open in June, 2005 on our website. We plan to have brochures available at that time as well.

Planning is now underway for 2006 weekends, and likely locations may include 2 Level I weekends in the Spring of 2006, most likely located in Atlanta, GA, and either Vancouver, B.C. or Ottawa, Ontario both in Canada; and then in the fall: a 3rd Level I weekend in October at the Hope Springs Conference Center in Peebles, OH; a Clergy Abuse Survivors Weekend in Santa Barbara, CA and returning to Alta Lodge for a Level II weekend in September, 2006. As soon as locations and dates are determined, they will be included on our website.

Staff members for each weekend will be also be named on the website as soon as they are selected. The Weekends of Recovery Committee is also in the process of recruiting for new members, and a full listing of all staff members participating in the program will be included on the website.

Please spread the word among any friends you have who are survivors, and we will provide further details as they become available.


Murray Schane, MD, President, MaleSurvivor
Howard Fradkin, Ph.D., Chairperson, MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery Committee
 
We are always looking for new places to hold Weekends of Recovery. If you know of a conference center in your state or near you, or could do some research to locate one, we'll be happy to consider going there. We try to move all over the country. Salt Lake City is served by just about every major airline, and therefore fares there tend to be lower than some places. And Alta Lodge is a beautiful location in the mountains of Utah...it may be worth traveling to!
If you or others have ideas about other conference centers, feel free to email me with your suggestions. I can also email you more specifics about what we need at a conference center.
Howard Fradkin, Ph.D. Chairperson
MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery Program
[email protected]
 
When considering future dates, is it possible to try and do one in the middle of the summer? For those of us who are teachers (don't know how many), it is impossible to get away during the school year. We don't get the normal vacation days that other folks get.

Also, if there is a need in Florida, I am going to research a retreat/conference center that I went to several years ago in Deerfield Beach (10 minutes from Ft. Lauderdale airport). The accommodations were very comfortable, food was excellent, and if I remember correctly, the prices were very reasonable.

Sophiesdad
 
Alta was great! If you go, make sure you check out the sky at night! You can actually see the Milky Way the sky is so clear!
 
Hi guys:
Thanks for the suggestions for other possible conference centers. We will check them out. We had a weekend at a place called Day Spring in Florida, which was pretty adequate. Being close to an airport definitely helps.
As for during the summer, I'll check with our facilitator staff and see if we can round up enough folks to do a summer weekend. We've typically avoided it because so many people take vacations then. But the point about teachers being most available then is well taken.

We're hoping to have registration open and information posted soon for our survivors of clergy abuse weekend in PA at Kirkridge. So stay tuned if this one is a better fit for you.

Howard Fradkin, Chairperson,
MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery
 
Men,

I would like to announce that at this late hour I have gotten the online registration form for the Alta Weekend of Recovery up and going. Don't wait to sign up spots are already filling up.


Nathan
 
I have heard a great many concerns about a variety of very harmful things that have occurred at previous malesurvivor.org retreats. I have searched through the archives here and can't find any references to those alleged problems, though clearly malesurvivor.org had placed retreats on hiatus for an extended period of time. I wonder if those issues could be addressed publicly so that anyone considering attending could be fully aware of the concerns expressed by others before registering.

As survivors we have lived lives where secrets have been evil and harmful. It does not seem to me that malesurvivor.org is a place where secrets of any sort should be tolerated. Somehow, the very thought of those concerns and allegations NOT being discussed openly by NOMSV smacks of the Catholic Church and all of the evil it has perpetrated on male children in America and abroad.

So, what gives?

Pablo
 
Pablo:

Thank you for taking the time to express your concerns about the Weekends of Recovery. The Weekends of Recovery were suspended last October (2004) after we received four complaints, all relating to the same weekend program which took place in September, 2002. This was only the third weekend program we had sponsored since the programs began in 2001. There have now been nine altogether.

The first complaint was about the conduct of a weekend facilitator. The complaint centered on an inappropriate friendship which this facilitator pursued with the participant sometime after the weekend. This complaint was immediately investigated and the result was that this facilitator was permanently removed from any future weekends. To prevent such incidents at or after future weekends, we have developed and implemented a new policy manual with explicit directives excluding the possibility that weekend facilitators can form any type of friendships with participants at or after the weekends. All of our staff have signed contracts to abide by this new policy manual.

The Board also received a complaint related to inappropriate behavior engaged in by an employee of that retreat center and not part of the facilitator team. The Board investigated this complaint and learned that the particular employee had been terminated. In addition, the new policy manual includes a requirement that all weekend sites must have policies in place for their own employees that disallow any possible sexual harassment of guests.

The weekends of recovery program has examined every exercise we utilize in the program, and the program underwent an independent audit by a trained Psychologist who is experienced in retreat programs and who has no affiliation with MaleSurvivor. She evaluated the safety of all current components and staff activity in the program held last fall. Based on that exhaustive and impartial audit, a number of changes have been implemented in the program and in the procedures of how weekends are organized to help ensure the safety of participants. All of this is explicitly detailed in the newly developed policy manual the consultant recommended. The Board had received some complaints about one exercise used at that weekend in 2002, and that exercise had already been removed from the weekend schedule right after that weekend program since the staff recognized that it was ineffective.

There was also a complaint received about the appropriateness of that weekend site itself, since some participants felt unsafe there. The new protocol eliminates that site and any similar such sites from future programs.

The staff of the weekends as well as the Chairperson of the weekend programs underwent extensive evaluations by the independent consultant and the Board of Directors. The current facilitator staff and the Chairperson have been approved as both effective and ethical. The Weekends of Recovery team and the board are committed to ongoing training for the staff. The staff manual and staff contract detail the responsibilities each facilitator has to remain current in his or her understanding of working with male survivors, and each facilitator is committed to receive appropriate supervision before, during and after the weekend. Any complaints voiced about staff members are immediately addressed with that staff member to ensure the safety of participants per our policy manual.

One last complaint we received was about the inclusion of survivors with perpetration histories. The Board and the staff have developed a policy that is a part of the brochure for all weekends and is published on our website. We believe this policy will assist us in ensuring that weekend participants will be safe from harm from other participants.

Safety is a primary concern of MaleSurvivor, and the staff of the weekends is committed to taking all reasonable steps to help ensure the physical and emotional safety of all participants. With the new policy manual in place, the Board of Directors is confident there are now sufficient safeguards in place to prevent the problems that occurred at that previous weekend and to promote the healing for which the programs had been conceived and to which we remain dedicated.

I hope this addresses your concerns. I also invite you to look at the statements which the many satisfied participants have made about the benefits that the weekends provide.

Murray David Schane,
President, MaleSurvivor
 
Thank you very much for your response. I think you have very thoughtfully, sensitively, and publicly addressed whatever concerns were raised. I, for one, am quite pleased with your response. I am sure that others here are as well.

All the best to you!

Jasper

P.S. I very much look forward to attending a Weekend of Recovery at some future point.
 
Member's

Online registration form for the Kirkridge Weekend of Recovery from Clergy abuse is up and going. We have already had a big turnout in the registration, sign up ASAP to get your spot.

Nathan
 
Dear Murray:

I thank you for taking the time to respond, though I now note that this topic has bits and pieces scattered both here and under "Off Topic," which might be confusing for anyone attempting to follow it.

A lot of thought obviously went into the response you offered, but I think malesurvivor still is missing the point.

In addition, based on your cataloging of problems at past retreats, I wonder if all board members have been fully versed on the litany of complaints past participants have levied in their correspondence and conversations with malesurvivor personnel and facilitators.

Certainly, as I myself have stated, MANY people have benefited from past malesurvivor events. Of that there is no question, and I hope that I have never suggested otherwise. And pledging to make sure problems don't occur in the future is a mighty lofty goal.

But I have been active in, and involved with, enough non-profit corporations and their boards of directors to know that much of what you wrote was as much an important bit of "CYA'ing" as ever there was, i.e. the board has done all it can do, we can do no more, beyond enacting new policies and adopting new manuals for conduct, so don't blame us if bad things happen. Frankly, as the members of various corporate boards have discovered in recent years, covering your butt isn't always enough, and merely having your name listed as a board member doesn't constitute true caring service to the constituency you so proudly claim to want to help.

And as supportive as I am of the idea of outside sources reviewing malesurvivor programs/policies/etc. and declared them to be sound, I've also used enough outside consultants during my professional life to know that their evaluations or recommendations are only as valuable as the people who are left to carry them out.

With all due respect to you, Murray, and anyone who is actively involved with helping male survivors to recover, the Catholic Church has said much the same thing in its responses to survivors and advocacy groups, and I believe that malesurvivor should know better.

As a survivor, I know that the failure of an authority figure to behave properly can have a devistating effect. One small incident can set me back for days. A big incident can set me back for weeks. That's an issue I constantly work on as a recovering survivor, and I hope that one day it won't have the effect it does.

Some might suggest that many survivors need to get over that, and learn to trust, and recognize the lofty goals of malesurivor and other similar organizations can be manipulated by one or two bad apples for their own purposes, through no fault of the organization.

Unfortunately, it's very easy for any organization, or child protection agency, or physician/psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist, or orphanage, or police department or even a child abuser or rapist to say they never meant to hurt anyone, but that doesn't mean no one is hurt by their actions.

Personally, what I always search for is true evidence that deeds match words. I've heard a lot of words in my life, many from my perpetrators in fact, that would suggest their intentions were as pure as the driven snow. When I was a child, I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

But I'm not a kid any more.

So what do I suggest?

I suggest that current board members seek to find a full recitation of problems that occurred at past retreats, as well as all related documentation that exists, such as emails, letters and notes from telephone conversations.

I suggest that before it says even one more thing, before it does anything else, that malesurvivor needs to stand up and say "I'M SORRY" to every survivor who has left their retreats feeling more abused than when they went in. And malesurvivor needs to MEAN IT.

Malesurvivor also needs to step up and acknowledge that as an organization, and although it meant no harm, it is and has been responsible for every single action, bad and good, that people acting on its behalf have taken--because it is, whether it be to clearly place expectations on a host site for a malesurvivor event, to make sure that its facilitators are properly licensed in the state where an event is taking place, or to make sure that no facilitator employed by malesurvivor mentally ABUSES an attendee of its events.

(And if that should happen, or if it ever has happened, don't you think it might be a good idea for there to be some follow-up by malesurvivor to ensure that survivor receives help and assistance? (Some might suggest that is a subtle hint...))

Look. I'm one person here standing up and asking questions. There are many other people who are far more qualified than yours truly to speak on this very issue, but choose not to do so publicly. And I suspect there are probably a lot of participants on this message board who would tell me to shut up and sit down and quit rocking the boat, because malesurvivor has helped them in a variety of ways.

But has the board ever wondered why no one has really jumped on my little one-man bandwagon and offered their own concerns, or complaints, or damnations? It could be that they know I'm a kook. Or it could be that the people who have been hurt just plain don't come here any more; don't offer their support to the organization, be it financial or otherwise; don't trust the organization; don't trust the facilitators involved in the past; or don't believe anything will change other than the number of words used in the denials? Or could it be that all of those reasons are true? (Except the part about me being a kook, of course. Trust me; I'm not.)

Malesurvivor has the power to do unlimited good. Truly. Whether it does, whether it learns from past mistakes, whether it tends to the real human souls that have been bruised in the past, is entirely up to the current board.

Pablo
 
Pablo:
You wrote:
"I suggest that before it says even one more thing, before it does anything else, that malesurvivor needs to stand up and say "I'M SORRY" to every survivor who has left their retreats feeling more abused than when they went in. And malesurvivor needs to MEAN IT."

We responded to the complaint written by one retreat participant and took it seriously. That was Murray's response to you. If you know of other complaints, please let us know.

You have not identified yourself as a retreat participant who had a problem. Do you know of others? Did you ever go on a healing weekend at all? Where are your concerns coming from?

Your wrote:
"But has the board ever wondered why no one has really jumped on my little one-man bandwagon and offered their own concerns, or complaints, or damnations?" Yes, we do wonder why you have a one-man campaign.

We cannot defend ourselves against straw dogs. If you have legitimate complaints, please let us know. Otherwise, please get on with your healing and let the others work on their healing.

Ken

PS We are responsive to complaints from those who have been on the retreats. You speak as if you have either experienced problems there (and if you did, did you communicate them to us?), or you are in communication with others who have. Otherwise, you sound like someone who is just trying to stir things up. It is not that we are stonewalling any problems. We have addressed the problems identified to us. If they ain't there, why link us with the Catholic Church?
 
Pablo,

Only four complaints were made to us and all about one weekend that occurred in 2002. Six subsequent weekends have taken place and no complaints were filed.

We personally and privately communicated with each of those four complainants with our apology and a plan of corrective action.

All of your caveats about boards of directors and organizations are well known to us and are of appropriate and continuing concern to us, as well they should be. You are preaching to the choir. Your issues with the Catholic Church in the trauma of abuse by priests are ours as well.

Murray Schane
 
Murray & Ken:

Thank you for your thoughful and detailed responses to Pablo's concerns. What more can you say unless he is willing to provide more specific information?

I have had my own misgivings about attending a retreat with NOMSV. But I am able to recognize that my concerns are primarily based on fears related to victimization and the resultant mistrust of others in general. I hope to continue seeking help in my recovery and overcome the paranoia that has often ruled my thinking in the past.

Thanks for caring about us.

J7
 
Dear Ken:

I'm addressing you specifically because I sense some really negative vibes in your message.

It's not uncommon for many people, when questioned about their actions, to respond by lashing out at the questioner, and I kind of feel like that's what you're doing here. If you are, tsk, tsk.

To answer your questions, yes I have attended healing weekends. My main concern in raising questions, though, is for the pain that I've seen others go through as a result of their attendance, pain that resulted from the behavior of professional staff.

It's not necessary to be burned directly to know there's a fire. Sometimes it's enough to smell the smoke, or to see the ashes and charred ruins that remain.

As I have indicated to several board members in private emails, I will pass on your requests that those who were hurt come here and lay out their specific concerns. I have no power over whether or not they do.

But when you think about that request, though, it is a little bit like telling an 8-year-old kid that their 40-year-old rapist has the right to confront them. Sometimes survivors just can't be confrontational with people who have abused them. Maybe someday they can. And in this case, involving such a serious breach of power by trusted authority figures, it could very well be that they can't speak out directly out of fear of rejection or that they won't be believed.

(But why would any of those things ever be issues in the lives of abuse survivors?)

None of that, though, should preclude questions being asked here publicly, at least I wouldn't have thought so.

Ken, I have no interest in stirring things up, here or in other places. It's just counterproductive. I do have an interest in making sure that any survivor who attends future events knows just what has happened in the past and attends with his eyes wide open. That's only fair. I wouldn't want to get on an amusement park ride without knowing that 10 people were hurt on it just the week before, or how specifically the park had addressed the issue.

As for me getting on with my healing, I don't think asking the questions I've asked deterred me from progressing in any way. In fact, just the opposite. As a child, I didn't have the voice to speak up and stop the abuse that was occurring in my life, or in the lives of other children around me. As an adult, I do have a voice, and can ask questions.

Please don't ask me to be silent, unless I come here and act inappropriately, or without an appropriate level of respect.

As for linking malesurvivor with the Catholic Church, Ken, I never did that. What I did suggest is the organization's response felt like the same responses we've all heard from the church as it attempts to distance itself from the pain and harm its representatives have perpetrated. But I didn't link the two organizations. Ever. (And please note, I am not a survivor of clergy abuse, but I do have several dear friends who were.)

Whether you folks want to hear it or not, malesurvivor is directly responsible for any pain or suffering attendees experienced during its retreats. And it could well be that despite believing it has done all it can do, malesurvivor needs to do more.

Pablo
 
I don't know what your purpose really is here, Pablo. It doesn't appear that you're here to help make things a better place. The board didn't abuse anyone. In fact, they've helped many of us make years of progress in a short time.
As for me getting on with my healing, I don't think asking the questions I've asked deterred me from progressing in any way.
Click to expand...
It's not about just you, Pablo. I have a friend who's already gotten up the strength to go to a retreat. If you have concerns, please PM the board or Mods or whomever you feel comfortable talking to. Or call the police. Whatever. But please don't use your 5 posts anywhere on this board simply to scare the rest of us off from enjoying the healing effects we've found in this organization. If you don't want to go to a retreat, please don't. If you dislike the organization, there are others.

In the meantime, please join us in using the knowledge and support we've gained here to build up others and yourself. It's a positive place. Let's turn our aggressions toward the people who really hurt us--the perps who brought us to this place. Displaced aggression in a public forum helps no one.
 
Just to add to what FF has said:

Pablo, I think you might want to recall that you are not a "customer" of MS. The site is run by committed professionals, mostly survivors themselves, working as unpaid volunteers to provide a safe and helpful forum for us. Your unfortunate comparison with a commercial amusement park suggests to me that you are not aware of this.

I think your issues have been adequately addressed, and perhaps you might want to use more of your time to check out the site (there really is a lot here) to see what would be useful for your own recovery. It only takes a short time to appreciate the enormous value of what our BoD and mods are doing for us.

As to claims that perhaps MS should do more about its retreats, this is a bit difficult to fathom from someone who has been here only a few weeks. You might want to note that from time to time the site does get people who are here mainly to focus attention on themselves as the ones with the big news, usually presented as exposing a dark threatening secret. Your point has been made, and it has been addressed by MS honestly, clearly and in detail. Now, so far as I can see, what remains to be discussed is just your schedule for getting off the soapbox.

Larry
 
I share Larry's statement, couldn't say it better myself.

cc
 
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