Not your fault

[Toad]

@Perkins
Thanks. Sorry for what you went through.

One is still alive, one isn't. I don't know if he feels about it all as you do, but you helped me to hope so.

I would appreciate it if he reached out to me.
He was just a tool being used.

There are a lot of things that are just fragments in my mind. Things that I can still feel happening. But I wish I had a better idea of what, where and when. It is like I have little pieces of a puzzle but would feel a certain amount of relief knowing how it all fits together.

 

[.aseity]

forgive me for bringing up old stuff. took me since yesterday to read this thread start to finish. i know most of you through the forum already but first time reading through this thread. thanks to everyone for sharing.

one of those things i will never be able to prove or really ever figure out. being sexually used as an infant. my guts tell me i was raped and used as a infant and toddler. it fits. better than the vague assumption that i was just born cursed or possessed. death has always been close to me and followed me.

i really cant be sure who the people were or what all went on. i was born in Austin Texas but as far as i remember growing up in Odessa until we moved to Gonzales county when i was 8.

i understand i was a fuck up. the only kid of my mom who she couldn't claim child support. she got money out of me somehow. i don't know how young a age i was being rented out. who was involved or what all happened. idk if i was brainwashed by the abuse. an incident when i was 5 where i was having secret sex with a 4 year old in the neighborhood was exposed. i became something drawn to death. i would be drawn to a very busy highway and cross it back and forth many times. like some secret protocol instilled in my subconscious. when i decided to search for anything on the internet about a 5 year old boy on the roadway i found out another 5 year old died in that road. maybe im just crazy.

after we moved when i was 8. i began having these shadow creatures that were very real haunt me. even in pitch black night stars hidden by clouds, those shadows were visibly darker and emptier than the night. always turning me inside out with absolute fear. ive always been fucked up. always. living in fantasy worlds struggling to be really here. my life started new and chance of normal when i turn 20. leaving everything behind.

because of the exposure when i was 5 and my mom dragging me into churches to be condemned to an eternity in their hell. i never allowed myself to be sexually expressive again. i was made out to be this evil thing and i believed this. it wasn't the end of my trafficking. my oldest sister boyfriend entered my life significantly when i was 11 and he took me away from my mom. he took care of me unlike anyone ever had before. he treated me like a boy. he taught me how to be a boy. no one ever had. he became everything to me. he taught me so much starting from basics like hygiene and how to talk and fit in how to eat and things that were important. i wasn't wasting away in filth when i was with him. he made sure i wasn't clothed in my piss and shit. he made sure i wasn't living in piss and shit with dead animals. he opened my eyes. it wasn't always good but it was better. even my first night away from my moms there was a huge house party i got to join in until midnight or so he made me a blanket on the floor. i woke up to a drunk man beating me senselessly and he threw that guy out and they beat him up. i felt defended. it didn't last. my mom forced me to go back threatening to involve police which i now see as a bluff.

by 12 she took me out of school and i no longer belonged in any legal system. i became a no name ghost to society and to escape the neglect and abuse at home i took to the streets. which lasted awhile.. i went back to my mom for a short time when i was 13. thats when i killed myself but failed because im still here. she disowned me and i went back to the streets. thats when he took me back under his wing and gave me a new name and everything. the old me was dead.

he was really the only person to give me time of day. he pain attention to all the fucked up shit in my head. the shadows that followed and haunted me and lived inside me. he wouldn't outcast me like others. he would believe me. but he used that too amd twisted my mind around his fingers. things got really fucked up. we had our own personal bond and trust. i was invested in him. he was everything. now.. almost as if he is nothing to me. he was everything and now nothing. thats fucking with me. took me 6 years away from him to realize he was using me and to actually let him go to free myself. one of the hardest things. i had an easier time letting go of my mom.

for those 6 years i lived under the alter identity he gave me. i was regularly drugged into oblivion and lent out to whoever made trade of drug or cash for my ass. he would take me places and wait for me to be heavily drugged then leave me with whoever and pick me up later. sometimes he wouldn't pick me up. just as soon as i regain consciousness i was told to leave and kicked out. for years i would wander aimlessly and be picked up and drugged. to which im not sure if i became free access to the town or if he still had his hands in it...

i been away for 8 years. recently heard that he was found decapitated in an abandoned house. i dont know what he did but whatever it was they made a message out of him. that just not how business is done down there. people vanish completely. they wanted him to be found.

you asked if ever would want them dead. i have been feeling very sick from all of this but if i had to say. i just dont care. or maybe i dont want to feel anything. it is what it is. i am bothered by it. im haven't felt any shock or grief. wasn't surprised. just disturbed, sick, paranoid. still waiting for a legal document to surface and confirm the death. i guess they're still doing the autopsy report.

 

[NC-Survivor]

one of those things i will never be able to prove or really ever figure out. being sexually used as an infant.

My T got me to a place where I could find the age when the abuse first occurred. I was 7 months old. Not sure what methods he used.

 

[Curiouspaints]

When I was 7 I was already having sexual stuff go on with my sister. I’m not in a good spot to get into details…
I’m not sure I’m fully alive

 

[.aseity]

i work with a T since beginning this year. he seem to know what he doing but i still have a hard time with therapy. he reminds me we have time. and now " " is dead i can probably talk about him more. he come up in session a number of times but i never get in depth.

 

[tanuki-san]

.

 

[tanuki-san]

.

 

[NC-Survivor]

Maybe it was hypnosis, brother?

a lot of modern therapies have hypnosis-like states. my T used several.

 

[Scottie]

these two steroid fueled bodybuilders tie me up and laid on the arm of the couch next to the child,

I am so sorry and weep for the abuse you suffered and the poor children harmed worse than you like the child beaten to death.

My AF was a hulking brute with huge shoulders and arm muscles. In his younger days, he would love bar fights, normally against several people. He to so strong because as a teen and young man he made a living hand pulling boats on the St. Laurence river into the docks or where they needed to go. He was a big believer in the man ruled the house, and his use for me was only to abuse, hurt, and humiliate. I lived most of my childhood terrified of him. Best wishes. Scottie

 

[Scottie]

I would not come out as gay now, what for

Hi. Maybe just your own satisfaction of living true to yourself. I do not mean change your life, but just acknowledge that side of yourself. I found no matter how hard it was to be an open out gay man, it was more stressful for me to in the closet denying who I was.

In childhood I was required to please females, they showed me how and what to do. As an adult one of the people who raped me was a female soldier of greater rank. She made me have sex with her and do things that as a gay man sickened me. It stopped when I went nearly naked carrying my clothing from her apartment to my E-6 soon E-7 friend and broke down crying. He got me to tell him what happened. Long story short, I became his boyfriend, she stopped raping me and transferred from the unit.

When I got back from the service I had to temporarily stay at the AP home. I did not want to, but needed time to set up other living conditions. Without my knowledge or consent they contacted a girl I went to the church boarding school who was known to really like me, she was invited to come share the weekend with me, they left the entire time. I was pissed when she arrived and I learned what was being done. They knew I was gay and they were setting me up, but mostly this girl to be hurt. They thought a wonderful wild weekend with the girl would turn me straight. Like the sex with the females in the family did not count? She tried desperately to make me take her, give me her virginity, her first penetrative intercourse. I desperately did not want to. She was sure that if I could just be in her vagina, I would love her and we would be married, having children together. I did not want to. I explained over and over I was gay, I had lots of sex with guys and liked it a lot, I had sex with women and hated it. She begged, pleaded and carried on so much I finally gave in. I am sorry to say I was young and stupid and used to giving my body when told to. It was horrible for each of us. She got no pleasure, said all she felt was pain despite my trying hard to do oral and stuff on her like I had been taught as a kid. She liked that, but said when I was inside her it did not feel good, hurt, and she just laid still like a dead body no matter how I tried to stimulate her. I realize now she had no idea what to do or what feelings to enjoy, she came from a highly religious family, and had no touches with a boy other than hugs and hand holds. I hated what I did. Afterward we talked, I explained I was still gay, she cried and cried but said she did not like it at all. She left. Later I heard she became a Nun.

I tell these stories to say that even if you have a wife and even if you enjoy sex, have children, you can still enjoy the gay side of yourself. There is more to being gay that sex. There is male companionship, male touching, many other things. Maybe you could explore. Anyway, best wishes. Scottie

 

[Scottie]

I will not put my kids into danger.

I missed this part. Why would just letting your self explore or saying yes I am gay or bi put your children at risk? By all I hold dear, please never put your children in danger, I love your feeling there on this subject of protecting children. But I am really confused over why saying you're gay harms them? With great love, best wishes, hugs. Scottie

 

[Scottie]

Being a very late bloomer I was always called a little girl, a cunt and my little bitch

In my preteen years, as a little boy being hate hurt fucked I would constantly be told my only use was as a girl, I wouldn't ever be a boy. I would only be good for pleasing others who always had the right to my body. At the time I did not understand the insults other than that they were to be mean and insulting. Now that I am older, I don't see them as an insult to me as much as to females, girls, and women. Why would forcing me to give you a blow job or forcing your dick in my ass, me a little kid and you so much older / stronger make my only use as a girl? Do you / they feel that girls / women are only useful in the same way as I was being treated? Best wishes. Scottie

 

[Scottie]

I was used in something that destroyed my soul and I'm sure a lot of children. At this point, I don't think this stuff will ever go away.

Hi friend the abuse and life you lived was indeed abusive and horrifying. But what makes you the person you are was not destroyed. In many ways it was strengthened. In many respects you overcame the past, you survived it, you raised children and have grandchildren, all who love you. You have a wife you love and I assume loves you also. You were dealt a shitty hand of cards from the deck, and from the start you made the best of each deal of the cards. I would say you did better than many and had the emotional and intellectual ability to do so. I admire you in many ways. I did not come out of my abuse so well, I had gifts I could have used but they were only realized later in life. In childhood I walked through life in a daze and haze, barely alive only breathing for the next event. My mind not really functioning. But sadly in everything I do once I reach the point of success I draw back, give up, find reasons to quit. Then in my early 30s my body joined in with my mind and started to quit.

So please understand the achievements you have made and the wonderful person you are. Best wishes and warm hugs. Scottie

 

[Scottie]

When she dies I'll be OK with that.

Despite all the abuse they caused me, the AP begged Ron and I to bring them to Florida to let them die in peace. He called Ron begging that he come get him as the hell spawn were treating them the way they trained them. He needed away from them and their control. Remember, this man made my childhood hell. First the AF who we got down here in time to grant his final three wishes, he lived three weeks after arriving. As he was so sick, I had to be involved in giving him personal body care. I had to help clean his nude body, something I saw before as a child, I had to wipe his dirty ass something I had seen as a child ... and most disturbing to me, when it was my turn to care for him and he needed to urinate I had to sit him up on the bed, take the same penis that was used against me so much of my childhood, hold it into to a urinal as he pissed. While memories of being made to hold that same penis and please it, or hold it pointed at my mouth or face as he demanded while he pissed, the memories of being forced to swallow the piss flooding my mind as it flowed now from him into the container. But I made a promise, a vow to myself when I left their control. I would not ever be like them. I wouldn't be the hateful vengeful horrible person they tried to make me. So I gave him my best care until he went into Hospice and died a day later. I did the same for the AF later when she begged to come down away from their hell spawn.

Strange the boy they hated and abused all his childhood they reached out to at the end of their lives because their children they let terrorize him in all ways were now turning on them. I did it, I cared for them. I AM NOT THEM. I WILL NOT BE! Sorry this went the way it did but I get very emotional with the memories. Best wishes. Hugs. Scottie

 

[Scottie]

I respect everyones beliefs but I cannot go there

Hi friend, but can you accept you are a good person who has done very well including many positives despite the childhood you had to deal with? I admit I admire how well you handled and then went forward in life after your childhood. I did not do so well. You have an inner strength many don't have. Just saying. You are not a bad person because others put you in bad situations you had no control over. I think I have some experience saying that. Best wishes, hugs. Scottie

 

[NC-Survivor]

.... AP ... AF ...

not familiar with these acronyms.

 

[lapchinj]

AP - adoptive parent , AF adoptive father , AM adoptive mother

I tell these stories to say that even if you have a wife and even if you enjoy sex, have children, you can still enjoy the gay side of yourself. There is more to being gay that sex

There are a few things I don't go around talking about. This neighborhood turned into a very conservative neighborhood since I moved here 50 years ago. It was the type of place where when passing someone on the sidewalk you would say good morning or stop to chat. today we got an increase of many tens of thousands of people who when you walk by on the sidewalk don't even look at you forget about saying anything. I'm a closed book around here. My wife knows that I was abused and probably knows that I was a child prostitute, maybe one other guy who got me to Oprah which got me to MS, then to T and then to a shrink. I say nothing about the gay part of me or that my entire family lives for many generations in Norway. I don't mention that my parents both came from Norway, worked on the same ship and stayed here long enough for me to be born and left in an orphanage. I found out this year that the company dissecting my DNA that they had found traces of Scandinavian Vikings in my DNA. that has to be the coolest thing that I can smile about but only was able to tell my wife because she knows that I'm Norwegian. So forget about Columbus Day. I started celebrating Lief Erikson Day like they do in Norway. Maybe I'll go pillage England. I also don't tell anyone in this neighborhood that I was a child prostitute. So when I had to turn a trick for the other 3 kids in the apartment so we could pay for out sunday pizza party I would walk past gay bars and not to try and pick up a trick by the piers. It was safer being a gay trick than some unknown in a car. I keep to myself so my past doesn't ruin anything my kids are doing.

He was a big believer in the man ruled the house, and his use for me was only to abuse, hurt, and humiliate

I'm sorry you had to go through that shit. I guess I left home before anyone thought more than keeping naked and always vigilant were my stepmother was so I don't get so I wouldn't get my bare ass slippered

Strange the boy they hated and abused all his childhood they reached out to at the end of their lives because their children they let terrorize him in all ways were now turning on them. I did it, I cared for them. I AM NOT THEM. I WILL NOT BE! Sorry this went the way it did but I get very emotional with the memories.

Sorry that you had to live life in that shit pile

 

[smc1972]

It is sad in seeing how many here either recall or know there were abused at a very young age. Thus has been a subject my T and I have discussed numerous sessions.

I can recall being around 3 the first time with my grandfather. I recall the events the trouble is knowing the age for sure but 3 seems right. My inside tells me I was abused sooner. My T has said that I probably was particularly by my mother based on my mother bathing with me and touching me in the bath. Also giving it went on through my entire childhood until 19. There is also the txt from my mother when I confronted her on when did she know my grandfather was molesting me as she previously admitted to knowing. Here response was “it was just a feeling I had when you were very young”. Not young but very young.

I grew up believing I was I was nothing. I was this odd kid who became fixated on sex as I got older yo belong I was this pervert I was sick. That is still the worst part of it for me. Messed me up before I ever had a chance to become “me”.

 

[Silly]

It is sad in seeing how many here either recall or know there were abused at a very young age. Thus has been a subject my T and I have discussed numerous sessions.

I can recall being around 3 the time...

I vividly recall the first time when I was 3 years old - then the following year when I was 4 years old is when my grandpa started and nearly killed me... It is sad

 

[GaD3!]

I vividly recall the first time when I was 3 years old - then the following year when I was 4 years old is when my grandpa started and nearly killed me... It is sad

I don't remember the earliest abuse- I was told about it. I was 18 months at that time. I like you do remember the abuse at age 3 and then the abuse at age 4 and beyond.