Not your fault

Hey GB

Kal gave a perfect description of CPTSD. I got into the sex business when I was 8 years old. I don't have any memories of my life before that. It even continued when I went into the USAF in '69. When I came back to the village on leave I was still rented out. when I got out of the USAF in '72 I went back into the game. Finally, at 24 I knew that if I didn't get out of the game I was going to die. I left the game and everyone I knew and moved out of the village leaving my world behind. I told nobody where I was going.

I had buried my past, got married and had 6 great kids but nobody knew anything about my past. Not even that I was in the USAF. But on January 4, 2011, I was called for jury duty in downtown Manhattan. When I finished I was walking up 6th ave to the 42nd street but terminal when I accidentally walked through my old neighborhood in the village. I stood for 45 minutes unable to move on the corner of where Bleecker, Mineta, and 6th avenue came together. And now I'm in therapy, I'm here on MS and I finally told my wife what happened to me before we were married and why I was never able to hold children, not even mine.

Tons of peace and a safe journey through this difficult time.
It is my fault. I should have said no. I didn't. I allowed it. I permitted it. There was no force upon me. I just let it happen. I pretended to be asleep. I am at fault.


It is my fault. I should have said no. I didn't. I allowed it. I permitted it. There was no force upon me. I just let it happen. I pretended to be asleep. I am at fault.
Please hear this as gently as I can say it:
No, Barkabus, no you are not at fault.
You coped the best way you knew how in a situation that was so far out of your wheel box.
The doer is the one who did it.
I know the anguish of false blame, it feels right and true, but not real. Because it’s not ours.


It is my fault. I should have said no. I didn't. I allowed it. I permitted it. There was no force upon me. I just let it happen. I pretended to be asleep. I am at fault.
I can relate to that man. I can't tell you how many opportunities I could have had to tell my parents. But I never did. I didn't think they would believe me. Or that my abuser would lie and make my life worse.

I allowed it. What type of person makes an 8 year old boy sit in a living room alone in just sweatpants and a diaper being made to watch Nick Jr. I could have told somebody, but I thought the accidents were my fault. I never even thought to change the channel. I was groomed by her to submit.

I would just lay there and take it. I don't have memories of her recording her abuse on me. My memories are vivid but I was more focused on the abuse, humiliation, and shame of what she made me endure.

Don't think because you didn't wake up and try to stop it doesn't mean you could have anyway- unfortunately. My abuser was very cruel when I didn't want to go along with it..which i think is how she groomed me.

It lasted 4 years.


I need to say this. I tried to stop them as a child and as an adult. It did not work! Ever! I always tried to protect the younger or weaker than me. It never worked and usually made things worse because now THEY KNOW you are emotionally vested in the child and your pain at their suffering will make it sell better. For the animals who are into this the suffering of innocence is what gets them off.
A friend of mine 30 years ago was the child of one of the bosses who enjoyed his work and involved his children in it. She talked to me about it. I learned a lot about it then. She was an extreme masochistic person for the part she played in it till she ran away from home because of it.
You are in a no win situation at that point. When those who have the power want someone hurting someone is going to be hurting! That's all there us to it. The people who worked in the concentration camps that survived dealt with these feelings for the same reasons. It is SURVIVORS GUILT and is a royal pain in the butt! I hope this helps someone to understand.
Blessed be peace unto you and good ripples brother.
Hey Barkabus

I'm really sorry that you think that way. It’s wrong to think that way because it was not at any point your fault. I read your intro and it's horrible. What I'm going to try and show you is that with my own shit I wrongly think the same way you are right now, but we both have to start out with the premise that we were not in the wrong. We didn't invite what happened to us. We were groomed. It doesn't matter if the grooming took a month or only a few minutes it wasn’t our fault. We have to say that over and over even if we don’t yet believe it. We have to start with the truth and the truth is it wasn’t our fault. We didn’t do anything wrong. It happened very fast from what you wrote in your intro and you fell into that mindset of "WTF is going on". Then we get scared and we’re afraid to say stop, you make like you're waking up. Once it's over we're afraid to say it even happened. Fear is a big burden for a young boy. But this is not our fault. All the fault falls on the guy who put his hand in our pants. It wasn't us and it wasn't the pants. The problem was the guy undoing your belt, etc.

I will give you an idea of what I'm up against and maybe you can see the problem we both have. First I have to say that my parents sucked big time. On top of that, they weren't even my parents. Then on top of that, I wasn't adopted or even fostered. I was bought as a newborn most probably brought here from Norway (according to my DNA). My US birth certificate was forged so I really don’t even know my own birthday. So my life was already off the rails with my so-called parents. I needed someone to love me not beat me. I first found that in my best friend's sister who was 16 and we were 8. She took naked pictures of me and her brother and we ended up in the boy magazines of the early '60s which was legal back then to sell on the corner newsstands in Manhattan. Yeah, pictures of naked boys in magazines. These weren't porn pictures but rather just naked kids in showing off all their glory. When my friend and I saw our pictures in the magazine we thought it was cool. I didn't see anything wrong with being naked. As soon as kids (boys and girls) could walk off came the diapers and pants. At that time boys went swimming naked in places like the YMCA or schools that had pools. Showers in school after PE was taken together. In Finland, boys still swim in school naked.

When I was 10 I was taking judo lessons and one of the instructors took me "under his wing" the very first day. He worked with me and when the day was over it was time for everyone to take showers. There was a sauna also that the adults liked to sit in and BS. As a 10-year-old kid being asked to join your instructor in the sauna was a big thing. When I got too hot he said it was time for an ice-cold shower. That was the first time he washed me from head to toe. He kept telling me how beautiful I was, how smart I was, how well my muscle tone was. I didn't know what muscle tone meant so he used his finger to show me the lines on my stomach. He showed me I had no fat on me by pinching my skin in different places on my body. He told me he loved my long blond hair (It was down to my shoulders). I ate that all up. It was nice to hear that I was a good looking kid and I was very smart. It was the first time that I was given a shower without bleeding. He was kind, he bought me my favorite lunch - Cheeseburger, fries and a soda fountain vanilla coke. I fell head over heels for him. He eventually invited me over for sleepovers saying that he would take me into the city judo school which was much bigger than the one near my parent’s house.

My mother, on the other hand, told me I was bad, I never listened I would grow up to be a garbage man. There was no bubble bath with soap or toys. She made me stand and rubbed me raw with a washcloth. She hated my blond hair, she hated my Christian nose because it turned up a little. Then she would beat me for some reason I didn’t know. I only guessed that I was bad.

I think you can see where this is all going. My instructor had only one bed and we slept naked but I slept naked at home also so there were no alarms going off. Everything started off very normally, slowly and methodically. We took showers together in his apartment before we went to bed. He showed me how to clean my foreskin. It had to be pulled back and cleaned with alcohol and then dried properly Otherwise I could get a bad infection. He taught me other things that a father does with his son. I was amazed at what happened when I rubbed his penis enough. He said I will be able to do the same thing as I get bigger. I won’t go into how he introduced me to rape, all I will say is that it happened and he said that fathers did that with their sons. and when I was big enough I would be able to do it with him also.

Of course, I had to learn more about all this new stuff and I told my best friend and asked him if he knew what I knew and he said yes. So I guess everything I did with my instructor was OK. My friend was also doing the same thing. Not with his father but with another adult “friend”. Before my 11th birthday, my instructor told me he had to work late so he was going to drop me off by his very good friend and I should be good and listen to everything he tells me and my instructor will pick me up in the morning. I didn’t realize it yet but this was my very first date with a john. I listened to my instructor and did whatever his “friend” told me to do. The guy even gave me $5 because I was such a good boy. Wow! I never saw $5 before.

When I told my best friend that I was dropped off overnight by my instructor's best friend he told me that my instructor was making money. My friend told me that he was seeing adults also since he was 6 years old. He said it was OK that adults like to do that. After I was dropped off a few times I realized that what my friend told me was true. My instructor was most probably making money by sending me to his “friends”. I never saw any money but I would get $5 from the "friend".

This went on until I went into the USAF at 18-1/2. Other shit happened in the meantime but that’s not for now. Was this my fault? No! But I still suffer from a tremendous amount of guilt. Why was it OK? Because I was told it was OK. Was I stupid? No, he told me I was a very bright boy. Was it because I loved my instructor and he loved me? He was super kind to me. He bought me a 10-speed racing bike when I was 12. He said I was a big boy and that he loved me. All my mother did was beat the shit out of me. What am I guilty of? Is it that I liked the affection that my instructor showed me. Somebody loved me, my mother yelled at me, said I would be a garbage man, and of course beat me. To sleep with someone who would hug me and kiss me, do things with me, go to places like museums and zoos. I felt like someone, I was treated like a “big boy” and that’s what big boys do, don't they. After all, I was 11 years old already. All I had to do to be loved was pull down my pants. That became my life which I was only able to get out of when I was 24.

Barkabus, we have to say over and over and over that it wasn’t our fault. Please, at least start with that.
Hey Trapped,

You touched on a very serious point I had to deal with many, many times. I was made to do things that I would never do but when other kids were being "beaten" because of me I would do what I was told. I don't know if they were into seeing pain or it was just a lack of empathy or basic humanity. But I knew they would do anything to any of us in order to make the movie they wanted to happen. But I do agree that the more pain the higher the price the movie sells for.


My abuser had a Polaroid camera and a lot of film. He took photos of me in every imaginable pose and with his friends and the older guys. He used them to keep me in line and in fear of everyone knowing I was a faggot, that was a term you did not want to be called back then. A couple times I remember it was a room with a lit of lights and they shot it on film, probably 16mm. I got out of that town before things got really bad. My teen years there were no photos. In my adult hood I was recorded often and even saw myself in a gay porn theater in Frisco many years later. Also saw one where I was in a pit called the piss pit where they put this thing on your head and guys sat around drinking beer and when they pissed they pissed on you or in the funnel and all of it went into your mouth and sometimes two guys mouths. I got a lot of them back after the guys I played with died. but I know there is still a lot out there.

The adult ones were my choice and I take responsibility for them.


Hey Healing Light

You came to the right place. You have enough resources and other people to help you sort out things. I was in the game my whole childhood, went into the USAF in '69. During leave I went back to papasan and did some work for him. I came out active duty in '72 and got my discharge in '75. I was in the game till 24. I looked like I was 16. I didn't have a hair on my face till maybe 24 so I had work even after active duty ended. When I crashed in January 4, 2011 I started drinking etc. A friend of mine (my only friend) got me to watch 2 episodes of the Oprah show with the audience of 200 guys who were abused as kids. From there I found the resources to come here, that was June 11, 2011. I was also scared to open my mouth about what I was involved in. At the beginning I didn't want to open up to what I did. Slowly I opened up. MS was a lifesaver for me. I go to two therapists every week. I think that if I didn't have a shrink for meds and the a therapist to talk to I wouldn't be here. And it was here that started on my way for help. I still think that I have a long way to go but I'm here and I'm breathing. The comradery here is to help one another.

You came to the right place. It's great to meet you.
Do not be fooled by Oprah, she is a serial abuser and she has been to Epstein Island. She had Donald Trump on her show and even said he should run for president, now that he is president she wants him out because Trump is exposing the pedophiles. You want the pedophiles to flourish again vote for Biden who has a island close to Epsteins island.
Hey wvsurvivor,

My abuser had a Polaroid camera and a lot of film. He took photos of me in every imaginable pose and with his friends and the older guys. He used them to keep me in line and in fear of everyone knowing I was a faggot, that was a term you did not want to be called back then.
This wasn't just to keep you in line it was for their pleasure and I'm sure they made money selling them to others. That goes for 8 & 16mm movie film. 8mm was more home movies which also could be sold but photogs used 16mm which was more professional for business. I would say that taking 16mm of you was most probably sold. I started having my photos taken with my boyfriend when we were 8 by his sister who was 16. A lot of those photos ended up in boy magazines in the early '60s. They were still legal to sell at newsstands. My pics do pop up on the internet from time to time and that's with simple google searches without looking on porn sites.
Hey wvsurvivor,

Do not be fooled...
I haven't heard that about Oprah that but it was my friend that got me to watch the two episodes of the Oprah show about 200 abused men as children that got me here to MS back in June of 2011. And that started me on my journey. My political beliefs seem to resemble yours but I think that politics should be brought up on the threads for political discussions. This thread is about how we as kids were abused via the media.


Hey wvsurvivor,

I haven't heard that about Oprah that but it was my friend that got me to watch the two episodes of the Oprah show about 200 abused men as children that got me here to MS back in June of 2011. And that started me on my journey. My political beliefs seem to resemble yours but I think that politics should be brought up on the threads for political discussions. This thread is about how we as kids were abused via the media.
Not just her but most of Hollywood, there will probably be none left when it is cleaned up. Even Tom Hanks is in the spotlight in a major way. The elites there are big consumers of all things children.
Hey wvsurvivor,

Sarcasm. I would be pissed if I found out it was out there from back then.
Hey wvsurvivor,

It's an old story that Hollywood was and is full of past and active pedos. It was pedo heaven. One comment I often heard from johns or whoever was getting into my pants was "you're a beautiful boy, you should be in Hollywood". Or some form of that. It was often mentioned about my long blond hair that I could be a movie star. But back then I didn't know anything about Hollywood except all the movie stars lived there. I never thought of it being a bad place.

The only reason I knew back then about 16mm was that it was used in the movie houses. I was also used in movies although not the Hollywood kind. I was used, beaten, raped, electrocuted, and tortured in bondage type movies with children and young teens. Both 8 and 16mm cameras were used as well as still photos. I was 14 at the time that happened. The only way I knew 16mm was being taken was because of the size of the camera.

I'm sure the hundreds of 16mm movies made with me in them are still out there. Every john took 8mm movies and photos. I wanted to ask if 16mm was in your past but then I had to read your story "My sex-charged growing up". It was like the perfect storm coming in and uprooting everything. I'm really sorry. In a way, I was much luckier than you in that I had a protector. Yes, my ass made him very wealthy, and along with my boyfriend and the other kids he handled made him very, very wealthy.

...I was 14 closer to the church. It was obvious something happened as I had issues with anger and would fight an adult man that pissed me off and hurt him.
What I'm really sorry about is the anger that was ingrained in you and ran you ragged throughout your life. I think that's one of the saddest parts. The other is never having a real safe relationship. It was what it did to you the brings tears to my eyes. In 1975 I ran away from that life. I ran away from everything I knew. And moved to a place to start my life over. I never had friends because I didn't want my story to get out. Nobody knew anything about me before 1975. I'm a gay man but I married a woman because that's what men did in the '70s. She was a 1st grade teacher that came out of seminary only a year before. I was also pushed into it but I never regretted it. I was lonely all the years but I couldn't let my story out. That all came crashing down on me on January 4, 2011.

I did see that you were threatened by being sent to reform school. I knew it as juvie. At least here in NY, it was a whore house back in the '60s for the older kids and the guards. There is a movie that really triggered me and brought a whole bunch of flashbacks a couple of weeks ago but I remember watching the movie before I had my breakdown in 2011. I wanted to see two parts of the movie. One where one of the retired guards was tortured to death by being shot up by two of the now grown-up kids who became murders for a gang. The second was the court case that brought revenge on the other guards. The movie is called "Sleepers" and it is about 4 kids growing up in the '60s in Hell's Kitchen in Manhattan. I was living in the west village in Manhattan. So that was only a short walk away but it was a really tough neighborhood that took care of their own. So it was during my time in the city that this movie began. It is in my opinion a beautiful movie only because of the revenge taken on those cops that raped and tortured those 4 boys and the revenge they brought on their abusers.

But getting back to juvie, all the young kids were scared shit of being sent there. I remember being grabbed by a NYC policeman in the village and he said that he's taking me in and I'll be sent to juvie. I was fighting to get away from him but he was too strong. This was on the street and somebody must have yelled out to get papasan who was my surrogate father. (I loved him.) I don't know if I was able to wiggle free from the cop or he let me go but I ran back into the crowd of college kids disappearing into an alleyway or something until I could get back to the apartment us kids lived in. The police in NYC was being funded by the mafia. They were crooked and they could be bought off. I didn't know how bad it was until I started reading about it after 2011. But I was in a much safer environment than you were. But if there wasn't some adult taking care of you then that cop might send you off to juvie.

I had a good time (sort of) being taken on weekends or Christmas vacations with a john. I called those guys papasan's "friends". I could be flown to someplace secluded where I would spend a weekend or week with a "friend". Sometimes it was both my boyfriend Bobby and me that would go with him. I see that you hated what was happening to you. To me this was my life. I was always being bullied but when I was doing shit with or for papasan I felt safe. There were times where I was not safe but that's not for now. That has to do with snuff.

I never saw the money that went to papasan. I could walk away for a night with a john with a $20 bill. For a weekend $100. I had more money than I knew what to do with. But I still shoplifted. But that added up to thousands of dollars that helped me buy the house I live in now.

Anyway, I'm sorry for what you went through and where it led you. I hope you can find some happiness. I just want to mention one more thing. Don't think I lived a happy marriage. My wife is great but I was never able to play with my kids growing up. I was never able to play catch with them. I never did homework with them. I can't interact with a child, and now I have the same problem with my grandchildren. I am paranoid to walk on the streets and so on. And I never took or went anywhere for a vacation. I've been living in my little dungeon in the basement of my house now since 2011. I'm safe here. But I'm happy I never had the anger you went through and still have in you.


lapchinj. I have lived with the anger under the surface but unless you really push me to a point of me standing on the edge about to fall over you would never know it. I had a couple high school kids after I moved with my parents if you can call them that who pushed me to that point and it wasn't pretty when I finally ended it, nobody bothered me again. If I see you hurt a kid I will destroy you.

I really don't ever remember being happy, don't believe I ever will be. The last decent relationship was over 10 years ago and I fell for her fast but she was just as messed up as I was. She was one of the few I ever told everything. She also had a thing for spanking and we used to spank each other during sex. SHe peffed me a bunch of times. She was raped as a teen by a relative, got pregnant and adopted the baby out. I told her about two months in I loved her and she laughed at me, I just took what sex there was and it was over a month later. I can't stand filth and she wallowed in it, her bed was the thing of nightmares when a dog peed on it and we changed the sheets. Dogs is how she coped with her sexual abuse.

Sleepers is what brought everything back to a boil in my life. I was not having sex with men but that threw me right back into it. I went with a woman I was dating and I was shaking by the time we waked out. I told her my story that night and she immediately broke up with me. I had a group of friends at the time and she ran her mouth to everyone about what I told her then here comes the friends calling me a faggot to my face when we were hanging out. Calling me that was a bad decision on their part, the one who was the most in my face was a Morman guy who had told me his story of abuse, he got revealed that night for what he called me. My friends were now all saying shit like you want to suck us all off don't you faggot and one even whipped it out. They all limped away that night to lick their wounds. I did not throw the first blows that night they did as I was trying to leave, when I had enough I started laughing and dropped them all. I have been a loner since then, the few times I let people in I got burned and I am now pushing the last couple people out of my life. I find the less people the less stress I have in my life. One of the actors in in sleepers is a well known pedophile and he played the part that is one of the most active male predators in real life.

Fallen Angel came out in 1981 and I remember having to watch a movie about a girl being groomed to do porn with my parents and especially my mom who almost put me into that life. I think my mom has always hated me for her getting knocked up with me and not being able to stay in the military as a officer. Sure seemed like it at least. Today I don't think they want kids to see that movie.

We moved after the rapists motorcycle shed caught fire and dear old dad caught me trying to light the house up, I had already got my photos and burned them and he was onto another victim. When dad asked me why I was doing that I started to tell hem about him putting his penis in my butt and he shook me and said I was to never say that again or he would leave us. I know that if we hadn't moved I would have been taken somewhere else and immortalized in film forever. When I was at the pigs house when my parents let my rapist babysit me for two weeks where I heard them talking about taking me to Ohio or Indiana. I was made to watch the movie with the pig. I still remember the shot of my face and eyes when one of his friends penetrated me, it was like my eyes went black and my soul left. I was a robot for the rest of the film. Even when they whipped me again there was little reaction.

Yeah reform school, parents taunted me with it and the pig tried to scare me with it. I did a project with a guy in Texas if I said the name you would know it as people want him dead. He asked me to photograph people in cars and license plates of cars going into a youth detention facility. The intention was to find out who they were and expose them. I did this every weekend for a couple months, I told the producer I was holding all images until the end of the month. When they started running the plates through a cop we knew it caused a major shit storm and we had people come after us and seize the photos and told us if we did it again we would be murdered or worse set up and sent to prison as the worst possible offender.. I finished the project anyway as I am good at this kind of stuff. I just followed them home and did a real estate search and got the names. I gave the guy the names and we ran them all down and it was truly scary who these people were who were using kids on the weekends. You think cops care, they don't. You think judges care, they don't. You think CPS cares, they don't. These people feed the meat to the grinder and then go consume it. Also found a lot of major democratic donors involved in this. We didn't even get into the girls detemton center othe rthan watch it for a couple evenings, it was a revolving door. If this is being done at a state or county level how high does it go.

All of my rage comes from my dad, when he would whip me he was in a rage. He made me look calm cool and collected. Most of my whippings were my mom playing me against him because of her BPD and watching the results. The real tipping point was a Sunday morning. I still to this day do not know what made him go off other than it came from my mother. A friend was visiting, he and I were sexually active together. We were going to church and I was in the bathroom naked getting ready to shower. He kicked the door open and drug me out by my hair into the bedroom and threw me on the bed. Dad was naked and got the belt, he proceeded to whip me in front of my friend. I tried to cover my ass but he pinned my arms behind my back and continued. Then he got the paddle and blistered my ass. I remember his penis and seeing it in the mirror and he was getting hard. Then I said are you going to fiuck me now? You let my abuser fuck me so why not you? He whipped me again. I was in my room naked and refused to get dressed for church, My friend refused to go to church. We ended up having sex when they left and he spanked me as well like my abuser did. That day set the rage ablaze. A month later I had a knife at dads throat, every other word out of my mouth after that was fuck. Another month and I got caught stealing shotgun shells at K-Mart. Security guy took me in the back to call cops and asked my why, I told him my intentions and he asked me if I was abused. I told him what happened. Then he shocks me, he asks what kind of shotgun I had and I told him all the way down to full choke. He said that will blow your gun up kid you need these Turkey loads that will not blow it up, Turns out he was abused as a kid like I was. He gave me a box of shells he paid for and walked me out the door. We are still friends, he is like 90 now and never did anything other than be a friend.

I really despise gays yet I seek out sex with gay men who abuse me during the act. I think if it had just been the girl when I was young and the church women I could have had the life I wanted. But the gays got a older boy to recruit for them and groom and train me to the point they can step in and have sex with me without tearing my ass out.
Hey wvsurvivor

Yeah, I hear that very clearly about "if you hurt a kid". It is such a big difference with me in that I never got angry getting the shit beat out of me like during the movies or the abduction. I was just very hurt and scared. I saw the anger when you would be taken and passed around and you could do nothing about it. Or when you were faced with juvie by the cop who happened to at first be thought of as your savior but then realized that was not the case and must have made you even angrier. That's why I asked you if you ever watched the movie "Sleepers". It was all about how 4 kids were treated in juvie and how 1/2 turned out to be hitmen and the other two law-abiding citizens with good jobs. But the idea of revenge was all on the tips of their tongues. This is why I wanted to watch it again but there was one scene that I don't remember ever seeing before that put me into a full-fledged nose dive. I'm still shaking a little from that. But I saw that movie before I had my breakdown in 2011. I didn't want to watch it because of the kids getting raped but I wanted to see the revenge part. That seems the only way I could get satisfaction. But I couldn't get mad for some reason and I guess that's the same reason I still cannot call papasan an abuser although he sold me from the age of 10-24.

Your talking that the main guard in the movies is a real molester? If yes I can imagine who that is. Was he ever convicted or did he walk?

I was the type of kid that if I was badly treated by a john I would cry but I don't remember wanting to cut his balls off. I would want it to stop but I wouldn't get mad. I might say I hate the guy but not the same hate I saw in you when you were being passed around. I would think that your hate is more normal than the way I handled my shit. I'm sure that's my problem now.

When I found out that someone I knew who worked in the school system of which my kids went to I went crazy. I had known that guy for 30 years. I had to know if my kids were touched in any way. It was the only thing on my mind. They were all grown up and most married by then but I felt at that moment I had to find out if they were touched. I had only one thing on my mind and that was "were my kids ever touched". If I had found out that any of them were I would have killed myself for failing to protect them. I only got mad at a congressman for making him move out of the country. That made me angry. I told my T that I wanted to write him a letter calling him out on that and my T said that he will deny everything. I spoke to my kids and they all knew what he was doing and he paid kids to have sex with him. He did many hundreds of kids during his lifetime. I knew the guy but we weren't friends like we wouldn't play cards together but when we saw each other in the street we would stop and BS with one another. I would have killed myself because I couldn't protect my kids but I didn't get crazy angry and want to kill that scumbag. This guy had molested kids in numerous schools for over 30 years. He probably molested while he was in school. He had even brought some into the village court at night and fucked with them so he was a first-class abuser. What bothers me is that I should have felt like you but instead, I wanted to kill myself. I'm not even saying if they were buggered just touched. This is very disturbing for me. I remember that quite clearly. At that moment that my son in law had told me why this guy retired I totally lost it. Only one thing on my mind - was anyone touched.

Kids in high school knew I was gay and I was once caught in the recess yard in high school kissing another gay kid. I was a freshman, I was even stripped naked in the lunchroom full of kids by four seniors. I was carried out by the principle into the offices and put back together. Papasan was called because he was listed as my carer. My mother spent the school year in their house in Florida. My father worked and flew down Thursday night after work to Florida and flew back to NY early Monday morning and went straight to work. I only had the opportunity to see him Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights and I was never home because I was in the village. We lived out on Long Island.

After I took off when I was 24 I never told a soul about my previous life. Absolutely nothing. My wife who had come out of seminary never asked me anything. I guess because the girls were never taught to question their husbands about anything. So when I couldn't diaper my kids my wife knew that wasn't a man's job. When I finally opened up to her over the past 5 years she now knows why I couldn't change diapers or play with my kids or do homework with them. All she knew was I was an all American kid who grew up normally. She was in for a shock in 2011.

When I was in the USAF I was raped by a woman officer who was a nurse in the hospital ward I worked on. That went on almost every day and covered up my drug usage and helped with my access to the narcotic's cabinet. When I got transferred to the flight line that stopped from happening every day to once a week. She threatened me with calling the AP's and charging me with rape and fraternization. She had the swabs to prove it also. But she did also bribe me with free drugs. I was a speed freak but my other friends were into heroin so the drug cabinet was up their alley. So yeah, I had my run-in with a woman officer. She used to get me in the ward during work hours. She had me literally and figuratively by the balls.
I know that if we hadn't moved I would have been taken somewhere else and immortalized in film forever.
Were you put into a position to be in 16mm movies? That's sick.

You were shown the movies made of your getting raped and abused. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I was lucky that I never saw any of the movies I was in aside from the one where I was taken the first time (I was just 14) to a house and brought into a room and told to rape both a boy and girl around 6 years old and I hesitated and didn't do it. I was flipped on my back had a rod up my ass and the electric turned on. All I can say is that it was horrible. I was taken away from the house (I never saw the outside of the house or how I got there). But I was still naked and dropped off someplace in a commercial area in the middle of the night. My clothes were dropped off in the bushes at my house and I had to get home without being seen. But the next week when I was told to come back. I was stripped but not drugged this time. I was shown that movie and what I saw was burned into my mind. I will never forget what I looked like or how I sounded like an animal being torn apart. I was brought back into the same room with the same little kids and I was told to rape them and I did. I know now that the girl was not a virgin and I assume the boy wasn't either. But that started 1-1/2 years of this type of movie-making. I could be abused or the abuser. To get me to do what they wanted me to do they would hit not only me but the child was beaten worse. And I'm sure that one kid that I didn't beat with the zest I was ordered to, paid with his life. I had to watch him die while we were hung from the ceiling in the gym (that was what the torture room was called because they had steroid-fueled bodybuilders torture me or us) and we were beaten. He was about 8 years old. I was a very athletically built kid who could take a lot of pain and beatings but there is no way someone can hold out to torture. I am still haunted by what I had seen and what I was forced to do. My beatings I can understand but to beat a child because I didn't do something correctly really fucked up my mind and I think destroyed my ability to enjoy my children and to dad type of stuff with them.

That was a truly brave and honorable thing to do. But could get you killed. Reminds me of the Franklin Scandal and Cover-up. I've been paranoid to even walk streets with people there. I would break into a sweat doing it. I would never walk up to a corner where there were people waiting to cross. If there was a kid with a parent I could not get within 20' of them. I was always afraid that someone would think that I was a molester or that I wanted to rob someone. I feel like a predator, a crook a murderer. So I watch my grandchildren grow up and I don't know them. That really hurts bad.

You mention people of power. I was sold mainly in the area of the upper east side of Manhattan from 42nd street north to 90th st and from the east river to 5th ave. The UN is on 42nd st. and the east river. There are a tremendous amount of foreign embassies and their other offices all over the area. There were tons of embassy employees. I know that I have been with foreigners and people who spoke no English or very little. I know I was with many different races, etc. I can only imagine these days that they were in some way not connected with this country. But back then all I knew was that they were just another john. I never knew where they worked, I knew I was never to ask someone's name or what they did. My job was to pull my pants down and make them happy.

My father never touched me but he also never came to my aid (except once) to stop my mother's beatings or baths or enemas. Nothing. My mother would beat me. As a young child starting as a toddler she would strip me (if she could catch me before I would jump under my bed to safety) and beat me with my "father's belt" or a slipper which was her favorite. As I got older (around 10) I would stand my ground and wouldn't back away from her when she would haul off on me with my father's belt. She then turned it around and would hit me with the 14-carat gold belt buckle. I would back up and walk away, I was defeated and sometimes bloodied. I had a high pain tolerance but not for torture.

I never had that rage that you got. I had crazy parents but I can't even call my mother's beatings bad even though she would home in on my genitals and it was painful but I got to know what real beatings were when on three main occasions. Once as a freshman in high school a bunch of older kids (seniors) caught me and my boyfriend in the shower and rat-tailed us all over especially on our genitals. We were left in the shower and were found by my gym teacher both still laying in pain in the showers. The movies where I was both physically, sexually, and mentally beaten. And finally, a two-day abduction where I was gang-raped, beaten, chained up along with S&M, and finally breaking 6 of my ribs and then dumped somewhere in the city. That one I was certain that I was going to be killed. I was bloodied and broken and two cops saw me and they let me walk away when papasan came. So I never developed the anger you did. I don't know why though.

The few things I got out of my life were the 2 close boyfriends I had. A wonderful naturist family that I would have paid anything to belong to. (That's a different and wonderful part of my life as a child). And the beautiful family that I had a part in making. I would have loved if I could have been involved more in their lives though. But if I would die tomorrow it wouldn't bother me a bit. I looked at my life as a kid as the way life was for me. The only way I could find love was to be with someone who was willing to be with me. I really thought that sex was love. Why, because it felt good and that's what I was told love was. When John's rape you and "always" tell you during the rape that "I love you", "you are a beautiful kid", I would love to have you as a son", "I love your long blond hair"... ad infinitum. I was always treated with many perks, presents, and money. Trips in airplanes. Even had one guy who let me sit on his lap while we flew to wherever he was going. He let me fly the plane and all I had to do was get out of my clothes so he could fiddle with my bits, kiss me all over, and so on and so forth.

I'm sorry for what you went through and for the anger that went through you but I'm also glad that you're able to things like taking down licence plate numbers. I really appreciate you talking with me. But stay safe. Speak later if you want.