Not your fault

Hey Toad

I hear you having to stay in control and that being drunk you would lose that control. I learned early that when I was offered pills before going to a john or party I took them. It was generally not pleasant to be raped by a full-grown adult when I was 9, 10 or 11.

For me now, drinking is so I'm not in-the-moment. I don't think of it as being in control but rather I just want to be nowhere. I just want some time where I get a little peace from my thoughts. As a kid aside from my friend Lanny's father's vino, I didn't drink unless I was given pills with wine or another type of booze.

At least I was hit or slapped in class. When I was sent down to the principle I was really in trouble because they would call my mother. When I came home I would have to drop my pants. I heard a lot about mothers using metal hangers. I don't remember my mother using a hanger. It was usually my father's belt and I always wondered why my father was never using his belt. That belt always seemed to be within my mother's reach. If she didn't have that she would use her slipper. But even that is not the same as getting hit with a wire hanger or a paddle.
 

Toad

Registrant
Sorry for what you have been through. Taking the drugs as a kid makes sense. I would disassociate and not be there anymore. That is a habit that I haven't been able to break free of.
The desire for me to drink and to not feel and to numb out is also strong.
But I come from a long line of addicts and alcoholics, so it scares me.

Do you ever have a problem eating? Lately I have been nauseated when putting anything in my mouth. But I also have been having flashback and dreams of the oral stuff so I suppose that is why.
 
Hey Toad

No, I don't get nauseated with food but I do have a problem with people having anything to do with my mouth. Like a doctor using something to check mouth and throat. I've calmed down since I started on my meds two weeks ago. Drinking has gotten worse though. Maybe as my meds take hold more and more I won't need so much booze. Like now it's 3:45am and I'm just drunk and I intend to stay this way till everyone gets up and crawl out of bed around 10am.

Are you having an eating problem?
 

Toad

Registrant
Hey Jeff,

I have problems with dentists too. One of the last times I disassociated so bad I just watched them work on me from the other side of the room. Hadn't done that since I was a kid. As for food it is a rather new thing for me. I could stand to lose a few pounds anyway.
 

iceman67

Registrant
...When I came home I would have to drop my pants. I heard a lot about mothers using metal hangers. I don't remember my mother using a hanger. It was usually my father's belt and I always wondered why my father was never using his belt. That belt always seemed to be within my mother's reach. If she didn't have that she would use her slipper. But even that is not the same as getting hit with a wire hanger or a paddle.
My mother did the same thing but used a large wooden or metal cooking spoon to beat me... ugh. So, I know the pain and embarrassment.
 
Hey Iceman

Wow, My mother once in a while only had those big cooking spoons but it wasn't her choice of weapons. But that's crazy bad. I never thought of the embarrassment just the pain. I was naked so often that it didn't bother me to have my pants pulled down. I new once they came down it was going to hurt. I'm sorry about the weapons your mother used. Those serving spoons were crazy sick to use on you. How do the memories of that affect you today?

sending peace and compassion
 

iceman67

Registrant
Hey Iceman

Wow, My mother once in a while only had those big cooking spoons but it wasn't her choice of weapons. But that's crazy bad. I never thought of the embarrassment just the pain. I was naked so often that it didn't bother me to have my pants pulled down. I new once they came down it was going to hurt. I'm sorry about the weapons your mother used. Those serving spoons were crazy sick to use on you. How do the memories of that affect you today?

sending peace and compassion
Thankfully, I was always clothed but that did not make the pain any less. She would hit me all over, not just on my butt. My arms would be bruised and I would have to lie at school and say I fell.

Before my mother passed, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She had five kids and my Dad was always getting laid off, so we lived off of food stamps and my mother had to work at a rest home for extra money. My mother must have been under tremendous stress.

When I learned all of that, I forgave her for everything since it was stress and an illness that caused her to do what she did. She did eventually apologized before she passed and she was in tears, I knew she meant it. We were sitting on her sofa, my dad had already passed, and I held her hand and told her it okay, I love her and I am sure she did the best she could. Shortly afterwards, she passed and I was glad I had the chance to reconcile.

How about you? Were you able reconcile? Did you wind up hitting your children? I promised myself i'd never do it to my boys and I did not hit them regardless of what they did. I'll be honest, I they got yelled at by me, which I am sure was scary since I had so much anger built up from the abuses, but never hit.

G
 
Hey G

How about you? Were you able reconcile? Did you wind up hitting your children? I promised myself i'd never do it to my boys and I did not hit them regardless of what they did. I'll be honest, I they got yelled at by me, which I am sure was scary since I had so much anger built up from the abuses, but never hit.
I never hit my kids and neither did my wife. Some screaming I'm sure went on but I never hit any of them. I'm glad you didn't either. I'm glad you were also able to reconcile with her because of her bipolar disorder. I figure hitting a child is in a fit of anger or a loss for words or like my mother just being evil.

The very next night after I confronted my mother this past September about her not being my biological mother she called me in that she wanted to talk to me the next evening. So I went in and she started screaming at me that all I wanted was her money. She threatened to go to an assisted living facility which she wanted for many years but my father didn't want to go. Anyway, he died in July from elder abuse. My mother was screaming at him every day and wishing he was dead or would die. So he slept during the day and got up in the middle of the night to eat and went back to bed before she got up. That life was not sustainable for a man 104 years old. Anyway, it only took 3-4 months for him to die She didn't take care of him at all and nobody knew about it. Anyway, last June 11 was their 80th wedding anniversary, he was dead by July.

Anyway, back to my mother, in September we had a fight when she told me that all I want is her money and I told her to go to "her fucken assisted living facility". She called the police the next day and told them that I threw her out of the house. Within two weeks her niece and the caseworker from the adult abuse system from the county got my mother to take me off her "in trust for" bank accounts and made her niece a co-signer on her bank accounts and they removed her jewelry from the bank vault. She now pays $42,000/year for her assisted living home which is dirt cheap but she will run out of money in about 6 years. She was 99 this past August.

I guess what ticked her off is when I confronted her and I asked her how much did she pay for me. I knew I was smuggled out of Norway when I was a baby and they bought me as opposed to having to go through a legal city adoption agency. My parents might not have known that they just bought a "human trafficked" baby. My birth certificate was forged and my parents were put on as my biological parents. No adoption needed. The transaction took a day.

I haven't seen or spoken to her since. I have no intention of seeing or speaking to her. She fucked me royally. And of course, I never forgot the beatings I got from her. I remember having to sit on the floor crying and pleading to her not to hit me. She would just yell at me and I would have to take my shoes off and then take my pants and underpants off. I would stand up and she would pull my shirt up and hold my arm up in the air while she beat me all over with my father's belt. I also remember while I was jumping around while she beat me her leg would "accidentally" catch my leg and open me up and she would give me the belt in my junk. I would just go straight down to the floor where she left me curled up in a heap. I couldn't even cry. I felt like my insides were ripped out of me.

When she left she took no pictures of me, my wife, my kids, and my grandkids.
 

iceman67

Registrant
Hey G


I never hit my kids and neither did my wife. Some screaming I'm sure went on but I never hit any of them. I'm glad you didn't either. I'm glad you were also able to reconcile with her because of her bipolar disorder. I figure hitting a child is in a fit of anger or a loss for words or like my mother just being evil.

The very next night after I confronted my mother this past September about her not being my biological mother she called me in that she wanted to talk to me the next evening. So I went in and she started screaming at me that all I wanted was her money. She threatened to go to an assisted living facility which she wanted for many years but my father didn't want to go. Anyway, he died in July from elder abuse. My mother was screaming at him every day and wishing he was dead or would die. So he slept during the day and got up in the middle of the night to eat and went back to bed before she got up. That life was not sustainable for a man 104 years old. Anyway, it only took 3-4 months for him to die She didn't take care of him at all and nobody knew about it. Anyway, last June 11 was their 80th wedding anniversary, he was dead by July.

Anyway, back to my mother, in September we had a fight when she told me that all I want is her money and I told her to go to "her fucken assisted living facility". She called the police the next day and told them that I threw her out of the house. Within two weeks her niece and the caseworker from the adult abuse system from the county got my mother to take me off her "in trust for" bank accounts and made her niece a co-signer on her bank accounts and they removed her jewelry from the bank vault. She now pays $42,000/year for her assisted living home which is dirt cheap but she will run out of money in about 6 years. She was 99 this past August.

I guess what ticked her off is when I confronted her and I asked her how much did she pay for me. I knew I was smuggled out of Norway when I was a baby and they bought me as opposed to having to go through a legal city adoption agency. My parents might not have known that they just bought a "human trafficked" baby. My birth certificate was forged and my parents were put on as my biological parents. No adoption needed. The transaction took a day.

I haven't seen or spoken to her since. I have no intention of seeing or speaking to her. She fucked me royally. And of course, I never forgot the beatings I got from her. I remember having to sit on the floor crying and pleading to her not to hit me. She would just yell at me and I would have to take my shoes off and then take my pants and underpants off. I would stand up and she would pull my shirt up and hold my arm up in the air while she beat me all over with my father's belt. I also remember while I was jumping around while she beat me her leg would "accidentally" catch my leg and open me up and she would give me the belt in my junk. I would just go straight down to the floor where she left me curled up in a heap. I couldn't even cry. I felt like my insides were ripped out of me.

When she left she took no pictures of me, my wife, my kids, and my grandkids.
I am so very sorry you had to live through that. It is a heart wrenching story. I wish I had a magic wand to make the pain go away but I don’t. Tha ani you kindly for sharing, I’m sure it was not easy.

FWIW, I will say u forgave my mom but I have never forgotten and I am sure I never will.
Did you ever find out. Why she acted out that way? What she did was terrible and I am sure embarrassing, especially being nude while it happened.

My beating were often but always with clothes on. If I had a dollar for every tome it happened, I’d be very wealthy.

I wish there was I could help you through this.

G
 
Hey G

I think that the worst part of being beaten by my mother was having to take off my own pants.

I really think that when I asked her how much she paid for me it became the end of the discussion. I must have hit a nerve. But since I found out that I was her biological offspring she turned a switch from on to off. I don't think that she knew that I was a trafficked child but she didn't think anything when she was listed as the biological parents. I think that she felt that it was a legal adoption of a baby. The one thing that she didn't like was that I was blond. Nobody in the family was blond.

That was my mother and you will see that a lot of guys here on MS had other kinds of punishments by their mothers or fathers. That shit that happened to me stopped when I was 10 only because I was not 5 years old anymore and it was tough to hold onto me. After that, she would only pull out the belt and when the strap of the belt didn't work anymore then she used the buckle end of the belt to hit me. But by 10 I had a new parent that loved me. Not in a normal way but he still took care of me. I only had to do what he asked of me. I had sex with him which I found loving. I felt that being anally loved was truly love to me. When I was taken to his "friends" and I was anally penetrated I thought that was true love. I found early in life that anal and oral was love. The men that did that to me were always grateful and even gave me money. Did anal hurt? yeah, but not as much as my mother taking the belt to me. And int the end the men were so thankful and kissing me. My mother never kissed me but the johns did. they told me that I was a beautiful boy and that I looked so cool. My mother never did. I felt loved when they fucked me. It hurt but not as much as my mother's belt. And when they were finished they praised me and kissed me and wanted to be with me again they even gave me money. Before I even came they had my favorite food. either Cheeseburger, fries, and a vanilla coke or pizza with extra cheese. I never got that from my mother. So I continued in the life. I spent 15 years in the life.

The only bad part of my young life was the movies and my abduction. My abduction was the worst thing to happen to me. My eyes were taped shut and I was beaten and raped repeatedly for two days straight. I thought I was going to die. When I was put into a car and driven away, my eyes were still taped shut, I thought that I was going to die. I pleaded for my life but got no response. We drove and drove and I cried and pleaded for my life. Just as we slowed up the guy in the backseat with me in the car put a bunch of loose change in my left-hand pants pocket and pushed me out the door of the moving car.

But that was the end of that. I was alive and I continued to be a prostitute or rather a call boy.
 

Toad

Registrant
But by 10 I had a new parent that loved me. Not in a normal way but he still took care of me.
And int the end the men were so thankful and kissing me. My mother never kissed me but the johns did.
Hey Jeff.
Sorry for all you went through.
As a child you needed to feel loved, to be held and kissed and cared for. This is what all humans need. Your parents didn't give that to you. It is something that predators look for. It makes children vulnerable.
It is the same as starving a child almost to death and then someone giving them food for sex. The child may feel grateful that someone finally cared enough to feed them. And feel very attached to the one providing what they need. But it is not love. They are giving the child food because they are predators wanting sex. This was happening in Haiti and other places with the U.N peacekeepers. The children were grateful to have the food. But that was not love.
You deserved love as a boy. But were used by your parents for a status symbol. And were used by Papisan to satisfy his perverted needs and to make him money. And you were used by the Johns. But you deserved to be loved and cared for, not used, and abused and sold.
You deserve to be loved now. You deserve to be cared for not so that they can use you, but because they love you.
I am glad that you have a wife and kids. It sounds like you provided for them the love and the care that all people need.
 
Hey Toad

Sex was my childhood, teen and young adult environment. If a john didn't fuck me I thought something was wrong with me and he didn't like me. I was afraid to tell papasan. Having sex with papasan was a treat, you can say. Even when I came out of the USAF I went back into the game. I still loved papasan and I had my boyfriend Bobby Who I loved.

I went into the USAF at 130lbs and came out at 150lbs. I lost most of that weight after I got out and was back down to 135-140lbs. I didn't shave yet and had no body hair aside for some pubes. So I was still very sellable. I could pass for 15-16. But at 24 the sex, drugs, parties, and johns I crashed. I took off. I just got up one day and left and told no one that I was leaving or where I was going. That was how my game ended. I never said bye to anyone. I started a new life where nobody knew me or my past. I went cold turkey on drugs. I got married when I was 26. How I got married to a woman is another story but it worked. she didn't know it but she saved my life. I never had any real friends only acquaintances. I was afraid someone would find out my past. I didn't even tell my wife that I was in the USAF. Until 2011 when I fell apart and I was drinking heavily I mentioned to my wife that I was abused as a kid and I needed to go into therapy. In October 2011 I finally told my wife I was in the USAF. Over the next couple of years, I told her more and more about my past. But I'm still a closeted gay. With 6 great kids. I NEVER hit any of my kids. My wife brought them up. I couldn't do homework with them or play ball or roll around on the grass or snow with them. I was badly damaged in that respect but they grew up despite my lack of involvement. It was motherly love that brought them up. Go figure that one out.
 
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