Not your fault

Not your fault
lapchinj said:
Hey HL

Being threatened is the worst. Having to wonder what would happen if you didn't do as you were told. No way out of that. But I'm glad your uncle went to jail. May I ask till what age your abuse continued and how you got out of it? I know fear is a big incentive to listen to what you are told to do. Again, if I'm crossing boundaries just tell me to back off. I'm just now trying to get a handle on how much was I a willing participant in what I did. I wasn't willing in the bad shit like the movies but I feel I gave my ass willingly and that was the life me and my friends lived. I helped my friend Bobby who never went to school after he and his older brother ran away from home. He was 9. Yes we were boyfriends and I would help him read looking at the pictures in National Geographics and Look magazine.

I don't think that if given the chance that papasan was still alive to prosecute him. I couldn't do that. I would be scared to bring charges to anyone else since they all belonged to organized crime. Most of those guys were "wacked" during the '70s and '80s from what I read on the net. papasan was not bad to me. Yes, I knew he took me and Bobby to those sick penthouse parties but I needed his love. I was OK being a prostitute because I had him. Not all my dates turned out nice but most were just sick guys willing to pay a steep price for my ass. I used to get tips of $10-$20 and in the '60s that was big money. I always had a couple of hundred dollars of tips when I needed it. I never realized that papasan got me into the movies. I thought that was my idea. I never knew that the gym teacher was had a subscription to my ass. I never knew that the "friends" he took me to when I was 10 was part of my grooming to become a prostitute. I never worked the streets but was always taken to my dates. I never really turned tricks. Tricks were a half-hour deal for kids on the street. give the guy your ass, get banged and wait for the next. Bobby and I were too naive to do that kind of work. We would have certainly disappeared is we were on the street for one night. I was not street smart in any way. I was taken to my johns and I could go to a john for a minimum of a night or go away for a weekend or on a plane trip somewhere.

Thank you for taking the time to write, it helps me and I'm sure it helps a lot of people who read this thread.
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Hi

I was 11 when it stopped because I told my older cousin and he took the moment to make me his boy .... That abuse by my cousin stopped when I disclosed when I was in my late 20's

I wanted to make my uncle happy he was the only male showed me love or what I thought was love. It was very very rare that I wasn't complient it was the other men I didn't like. When my uncle died I was distraught

For those abused with me the abuse carried on until there late teens when they married.
One of my co abused became at some point in it all a perp hisself ( that's just a fact and he is the only one of us that did ) , he is the reason it all came out or I very much doubt I'd be telling my story at all even when I did I didn't tell the half of it

I find it very hard to talk negatively about my uncle I find it hard to accept that he did not love me , as a child I wanted to be with him , to impress him to feel wanted .....

My 2 Nd abuser was really nasty about our uncle and to him , I felt like I betrayed my uncle and got what I deserved when I realised what I had got myself into by telling F about our uncle

My uncle had a cabin at a lake it had two bedrooms and a sofa bed in the lounge , men would come there usually sometimes we was taken other places or be took out in a car
I didn't like the other men I was a shy child , I was especially close to one of my co abused and he protected me best he could professionals say we're trauma bonded I'd say our bond is extremely complex

There was sexual contact requested among us boys by our uncle or the men but there was that , that we just did ourselves we had no boundaries with each other

Some of my first memories are of abuse by my uncle I wasn't scared and he gave me a game it's the gift why I remember I think

Thanks for sharing with me
We wasn't fully informed , I was groomed as I'm sure many others were and these people know how to manipulate to get what they want and make us feel like we wanted it too

Wishing you peace in your healing journey
HL
 
Hey toad

perhaps you might inspire them.
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Thanks for your thoughts. Wish I could but I have to be realistic - it will never happen. I keep trying to talk to my grandchildren or even just be in the room when they come over to us. I start to fall apart and I go back down to my dungeon. Even though I know that I was “forced” to do what I did I cannot be with children. The flashbacks of what I did or didn’t do are too overwhelming.

Being forced didn’t just mean that only I was beaten but they would beat the children also and I had to watch. It was horrible and the memories and flashbacks are unbearable.

thanks for the sweet vote of confidence.
 
lapchinj said:
Hey toad


Thanks for your thoughts. Wish I could but I have to be realistic - it will never happen. I keep trying to talk to my grandchildren or even just be in the room when they come over to us. I start to fall apart and I go back down to my dungeon. Even though I know that I was “forced” to do what I did I cannot be with children. The flashbacks of what I did or didn’t do are too overwhelming.

Being forced didn’t just mean that only I was beaten but they would beat the children also and I had to watch. It was horrible and the memories and flashbacks are unbearable.

thanks for the sweet vote of confidence.
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Dear Lapchinj,
How I wish with all my heart I could rip that misplaced responsibility out of you and smear it on those who did this. Those men forced a child, a small innocent boy to do and see heinous things. It is their lives who should be spent in a dungeon, not the the boy.
 
I agree with BDD - 100%
 
Hey Bri and NC

Thanks, but I've been down here in my dungeon since my wife and I bought this house around 40 years ago. I feel safe down here.
 
NC-Survivor said:
I remember once, in high school, I was riding an activity bus back home. It was a long ride - dropping kids off at their homes all around the county. Many of us were rough-housing, goofing off. 1 boy, about my age, was getting tickled by several girls. They held him down "let's pants him!" While still tickling him and holding him down, they started to work down his pants - enough to expose pubic hair. He finally got them to stop, but I was horrified! What if I was next? Thankfully they stopped that game and moved on to something else.
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I never heard of the "let's pants him!" before. I guess it was called something else in the '60s. I was stipped during lunch, in the lunchroom, by four seniors. Due to my private school dress code, I had a necktie and formal dress with a school blazer. I will not go through the moment I knew something was going to happen but I was left on the floor of the lunchroom naked and entangled in my attire. My shirt could not come over my head because of my tie and my hands could not come out of the sleeves because the buttons holding sleeves closed my dress pants could not come over my shoes. but I was naked for all to see. Some kids laughed others were affected in different ways. I was curled up in a ball until the assistant principal came and carried me out of the lunchroom and untangled in the school office for all the office staff to see. I was 14 and the school year just started. I had made it into 10th grade. The four seniors were suspended for a week and I wasn't in school for two or three. Where were my parents? probably in Florida. My mother had started staying in Florida for the winter when I was 13 and just entered high school. It was written off as mischievous student activity. So the school just brushed it off as a student prank. I was devastated but my gym teacher, (who I know now bought a yearly subscription to my ass) came to my defense. There was a problem with my sexuality that others didn't like. Like you, I was a very late bloomer. the only hair I had was on my head. The hair was long and blond and I grew to hate it and was scared to death with it when I went into the USAF at 18-1/2.

I only found out a few months ago that as a baby I was trafficked. I was taken from my birth country Norway and brought here to the US and sold to my parents. And I assume that's why there was no loving connection between us. This explains why there was a lack of love at home and just beatings by my mother. It's been a tough ride in the last few years and especially the last few months.

I have to apologize to my good friend Bri that I didn't share any of this yet with him. Sorry Bri, I'm just now falling completely apart.

I am so sorry for what you went through during your life. For me, I have to take reading about your past very slowly. I thank you for opening up like you did and I'm horrified at the progression of your abuse. I especially feel horrible at what was done to you and what I was forced to do to young children (maybe like you) when I was 14. I tried and failed at two attempts at suicide in the first half of my 10th grade school year.

I will continue to monitor this thread and the pain that was brought upon very young children and the aftermath of that pain. I haven't been this involved in MS for a few years now but never like what has been brought out in this thread. The damage to children brought on by older adults like fathers is very hard on me because I was forced into the same business.

I have to stop here, for now, I need a rest. I admire your courage in coming out with your past and your other links. It is very hard to read and like I mentioned before I intend on getting through all of it and any of the other stories of survivors of CSA.
 
lapchinj said:
I never heard of the "let's pants him!" before. I guess it was called something else in the '60s. I was stipped during lunch, in the lunchroom, by four seniors. Due to my private school dress code, I had a necktie and formal dress with a school blazer. I will not go through the moment I knew something was going to happen but I was left on the floor of the lunchroom naked and entangled in my attire. My shirt could not come over my head because of my tie and my hands could not come out of the sleeves because the buttons holding sleeves closed my dress pants could not come over my shoes. but I was naked for all to see. Some kids laughed others were affected in different ways. I was curled up in a ball until the assistant principal came and carried me out of the lunchroom and untangled in the school office for all the office staff to see. I was 14 and the school year just started. I had made it into 10th grade. The four seniors were suspended for a week and I wasn't in school for two or three. Where were my parents? probably in Florida. My mother had started staying in Florida for the winter when I was 13 and just entered high school. It was written off as mischievous student activity. So the school just brushed it off as a student prank. I was devastated but my gym teacher, (who I know now bought a yearly subscription to my ass) came to my defense. There was a problem with my sexuality that others didn't like. Like you, I was a very late bloomer. the only hair I had was on my head. The hair was long and blond and I grew to hate it and was scared to death with it when I went into the USAF at 18-1/2.

I only found out a few months ago that as a baby I was trafficked. I was taken from my birth country Norway and brought here to the US and sold to my parents. And I assume that's why there was no loving connection between us. This explains why there was a lack of love at home and just beatings by my mother. It's been a tough ride in the last few years and especially the last few months.

I have to apologize to my good friend Bri that I didn't share any of this yet with him. Sorry Bri, I'm just now falling completely apart.

I am so sorry for what you went through during your life. For me, I have to take reading about your past very slowly. I thank you for opening up like you did and I'm horrified at the progression of your abuse. I especially feel horrible at what was done to you and what I was forced to do to young children (maybe like you) when I was 14. I tried and failed at two attempts at suicide in the first half of my 10th grade school year.

I will continue to monitor this thread and the pain that was brought upon very young children and the aftermath of that pain. I haven't been this involved in MS for a few years now but never like what has been brought out in this thread. The damage to children brought on by older adults like fathers is very hard on me because I was forced into the same business.

I have to stop here, for now, I need a rest. I admire your courage in coming out with your past and your other links. It is very hard to read and like I mentioned before I intend on getting through all of it and any of the other stories of survivors of CSA.
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No apologies are necessary. I am so sorry everyone in this thread has these horrible things to remember. Please take your time and do what you need to.
 
Hey Bri

You're a great friend, the guys here have touched my world like no other thread has.
 
@lapchinj I truly pray and hope you don't hold yourself accountable. Notice I didn't say forgive yourself because you have nothing to be forgiven for. You were an actor in a sick game. None of this is you fault. It is tragic you beat yourself up over what you were forced to do to other kids. You deserve so much better. It's about time you felt peace.
 
Hey LoneWolfX

thanks for the sweet thoughts but that’s going to be a hard nut to crack. It’s a memory that’s on auto-rewind. It plays anytime I stop doing something. Those people were cruel and they turned me into something cruel. I see those faces over and over again.

thanks for your thoughts
 
I hope you at least realise on a rational level (emotions aside) that this is not your cross to carry?
I'm so sorry you have to relive those events over and over again. I hope you find a way to erase
them. I don't believe they turned you into something cruel - they made you do things you didn't want to
do because you had no choice. I am not minimising this horrible guilt you feel - I just want you to know it
really wasn't your fault. I get that it must be so hard to deal with because you are haunted by what happened
and stuff you were made to do. But you are the victim just as much as those other boys are. And you know what?
You're a survivor too!
 
You can't realize things on a rational level. I think I just relived all this because of this thread and others like it but I think some good will come of it. I think I might just have seen something on a rational level but I have to wait awhile and see if this "episode" is over I hope so.

The thing that's so confusing is the feelings I have appear to be about what's going on in front of me but really it's those feelings from back then. At least for me

But the thing in front of you may be real, it may be something you are right about, it may be something you really need to take action about, something about which there will be consequences you want to avoid.

I think what the therapist has been referring to as being "stuck" for the last four years means reliving those feelings.

The situation triggers me and the loop starts playing and in my feelings I'm a little kid again. But I don't see this.
 
Hey LoneWolfx

I carry no crosses. I was used in something that destroyed my soul and I'm sure a lot of children. At this point, I don't think this stuff will ever go away. While I worked in the movies for only 1-1/2 years there is a total of 15 years of mostly prostitution, photoshoots, parties, etc. This excludes the abuse by the bitch I hate calling a mother since around the time I was sold to her as a baby. this is what anchors me down in the past. I was taken from someplace in Norway and imported here to the US and sold that bitch. When I found out I was adopted in 2015 I asked my father on the way to the VA hospital to be checked out I asked him if I was adopted. He thought for a moment and said: "no, you were ours". So was the belt they bought was theirs. Never any love mentioned. that was easy to get past since the beatings by my mother confirmed a no love relationship and my father never helping me confirmed that also.

The movies don't let me move on so I can get past things like that bitch. When she dies I'll be OK with that.

I do a lot of reading on the net and before I knew I was adopted I used to go searching for places I lived and trying to find close friends. I've run into numerous pictures of myself to remind me of what I was. I didn't have to do much of any type of going into the dark net. I can do a simple Google search and there I am. I'm glad I never came across the pictures and films that the movie people took. I would have a very hard time with that shit. I think that stuff as is most of my other stuff lays in the dark web. I've even found photos of my best friend Lanny with a simple Google search. We were brother's in arms. We started out in the photography business at around 8. I cannot ever attack those subjects because all it brings me back are to the kids.

The memories of those kids destroyed any interaction with my own 6 children while they were growing up. Now that I have grandchildren who are affected by those memories and who I will never play with either. It hurts and I'm sad but I guess that's my punishment for what I was involved in. Hopefully one day that will all stop. I'm counting on no heaven or hell because if there is then those memories will be back. I even want to be cremated and dumped in the ocean for fish food. I know that won't happen due to my wife and family and their religion. But I will push for that.

I'm starting to talk too much so I'll stop here. I still have too much hate in my heart.

Thanks for your help, I appreciate the sweet words of hope. Hope you're doing OK
 
I"m sorry but I have to leave this thread for a while.Too triggering, I have to breath a little
 
lapchinj said:
I'm bad news
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nonsense. you are a child of God and you were fearfully and wonderfully made. He loves you just as you are (faults and all) and wants to encourage you on your Healing Journey.
 
Hey NC

I respect everyones beliefs but I cannot go there
 
I understand, brother!
 
Hey NC

thanks for being so kind and helpful. You are a very good man
 
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