Not your fault
Healing light
Registrant
HiHey HL
Being threatened is the worst. Having to wonder what would happen if you didn't do as you were told. No way out of that. But I'm glad your uncle went to jail. May I ask till what age your abuse continued and how you got out of it? I know fear is a big incentive to listen to what you are told to do. Again, if I'm crossing boundaries just tell me to back off. I'm just now trying to get a handle on how much was I a willing participant in what I did. I wasn't willing in the bad shit like the movies but I feel I gave my ass willingly and that was the life me and my friends lived. I helped my friend Bobby who never went to school after he and his older brother ran away from home. He was 9. Yes we were boyfriends and I would help him read looking at the pictures in National Geographics and Look magazine.
I don't think that if given the chance that papasan was still alive to prosecute him. I couldn't do that. I would be scared to bring charges to anyone else since they all belonged to organized crime. Most of those guys were "wacked" during the '70s and '80s from what I read on the net. papasan was not bad to me. Yes, I knew he took me and Bobby to those sick penthouse parties but I needed his love. I was OK being a prostitute because I had him. Not all my dates turned out nice but most were just sick guys willing to pay a steep price for my ass. I used to get tips of $10-$20 and in the '60s that was big money. I always had a couple of hundred dollars of tips when I needed it. I never realized that papasan got me into the movies. I thought that was my idea. I never knew that the gym teacher was had a subscription to my ass. I never knew that the "friends" he took me to when I was 10 was part of my grooming to become a prostitute. I never worked the streets but was always taken to my dates. I never really turned tricks. Tricks were a half-hour deal for kids on the street. give the guy your ass, get banged and wait for the next. Bobby and I were too naive to do that kind of work. We would have certainly disappeared is we were on the street for one night. I was not street smart in any way. I was taken to my johns and I could go to a john for a minimum of a night or go away for a weekend or on a plane trip somewhere.
Thank you for taking the time to write, it helps me and I'm sure it helps a lot of people who read this thread.
I was 11 when it stopped because I told my older cousin and he took the moment to make me his boy .... That abuse by my cousin stopped when I disclosed when I was in my late 20's
I wanted to make my uncle happy he was the only male showed me love or what I thought was love. It was very very rare that I wasn't complient it was the other men I didn't like. When my uncle died I was distraught
For those abused with me the abuse carried on until there late teens when they married.
One of my co abused became at some point in it all a perp hisself ( that's just a fact and he is the only one of us that did ) , he is the reason it all came out or I very much doubt I'd be telling my story at all even when I did I didn't tell the half of it
I find it very hard to talk negatively about my uncle I find it hard to accept that he did not love me , as a child I wanted to be with him , to impress him to feel wanted .....
My 2 Nd abuser was really nasty about our uncle and to him , I felt like I betrayed my uncle and got what I deserved when I realised what I had got myself into by telling F about our uncle
My uncle had a cabin at a lake it had two bedrooms and a sofa bed in the lounge , men would come there usually sometimes we was taken other places or be took out in a car
I didn't like the other men I was a shy child , I was especially close to one of my co abused and he protected me best he could professionals say we're trauma bonded I'd say our bond is extremely complex
There was sexual contact requested among us boys by our uncle or the men but there was that , that we just did ourselves we had no boundaries with each other
Some of my first memories are of abuse by my uncle I wasn't scared and he gave me a game it's the gift why I remember I think
Thanks for sharing with me
We wasn't fully informed , I was groomed as I'm sure many others were and these people know how to manipulate to get what they want and make us feel like we wanted it too
Wishing you peace in your healing journey
HL