I'm sorry for what u went through you are a survivor alsoTo everyone that was abused by someone like me
I was trafficked from the age of 8 until 24 when I just left that life. I never said goodbye to anyone. I tried to start my life over from scratch. I met new people, new county, new everything except my memories that have stayed with me since then. On January 4, 2011 my past came crashing down on me. The worst part is when I was 14 for a 1-1/2 to 1-3/4 years I spent every Tuesday at the movies. I was made to understand that coming on time from school (or wherever) was not negotiable. One Tuesday towards the beginning of the movies I was late because I was busy with my gymnastic routines. I do not have the words that could express the beating I got the following Tuesday. I was never late again.
I remember the little children very well. While I don’t know their ages I was able to compare sizes with my grandchildren. I know there were children as young as 5. I do know very vividly that when you hit a young child that child cries. If the child is hit very hard the child just can’t catch his breath. This sticks in my mind like glue. With me no matter how hard I was beaten I didn’t cry. The tears would flow out of my eyes though. If I was told to cry I cried. If I was told to scream then I screamed. I was 14 and I was only 100lbs so I wasn’t big. I was very strong for my age but that didn't help me any. I was beaten, cut and pushed around like a bean bag. But I wouldn't make a sound unless I was instructed to. But a 5 year old child will really cry and it can’t be stopped.
This thread lets me feel how the child reacted to things I was forced to do. After I got married I had 6 kids. Five boys and a girl. I was unable to hold any of my children in the hospital after they were born. I would tell the nurses I'm scared I will drop them. I wasn't afraid of dropping them I was afraid of the child. I was never able to play with them. I was never able to help them with their homework. Never rolled around on the front lawn with them. I used to spend all my time after work in my dungeon in the basement of my house. This continues till today. I spend my time in my dungeon. My second oldest has 2 girls and 2 boys. I could not hold them either in the hospital when they were born. I cannot play with them. I cannot be with them. It just brings back how I beat, tied up, raped, etc. I hear them talk about when they go over to their other grandparents and how well the grandfather can play spit with them or build Lego things. It hurts.
I stop my car watching little league practice where grown men would show kids how to play baseball. Looking at happy children, children having fun. I sit in my car and watch a parent walking on the sidewalk hand in hand with their child. I was never able to do that. (I have tears in my eyes while I write this). When I became a father and I was in the hospital I could not hold my first born or any of my other children or grandchildren. It is a feeling I will never experience. I’m still in my dungeon. It’s been 40 years. I look across the street and watch fathers playing catch or throwing water balloons at each other. It's something I always wanted but will never have. 40 years in this fuck'n dungeon.
I cry for what you guys went through and what I did to children your age. My abuse started at 8 but only in pictures being taken of me and my boyfriend Lanny. By ten I was able to shoplift toys I was never able to have. No matter what we shoplifted, glue was always on our shopping list.
I tried to commit suicide twice during this time of the movies. I was 14-1/2. The first time made me very sick, the second time there was just a lot of blood. Papasan saved me both times.
I don't know if any of you ever thought of how precious it would be to hug a young child. To be able to give a good night kiss to or even read them a bedtime story. I would give a mountain of gold for even one kiss.
This thread is very hard for me to get through. I have to stop here for now. I wish you all well and I'm glad that you all came here to MS to share and to heal. You are all survivors.
I was in my teens just about to marry when my brother held out my first nephew to me "hey Bruva your an uncle look" my reply. "Very nice im going now "
I could not cope with that title , just a few weeks ago I became an uncle again my siblings have not gone easy on me in the years in between I have been given the title many times they now know I struggle with it the new baby was passed to my partner first , I had hoped after all the practice now I would be able to put it all aside and take the title with pride but I couldn't
Being an uncle terrifys me.
I'm have one bio son and one son that's my partner's bio son
too these two boys I'm dad part of the reason I'm here on ms is them two I want and need to be the best I can be for them and I offen feel like I'm winging it because I has no idea how to be a dad
I thought you was brave sharing what you did it's hard to watch from the sidelines of life wondering how u be part of that is my experience