Not your fault


Thank you for writing this. I am especially happy that Jeff saw it.
Both of you, all of us, I am sorry you've been through this.


Thanks BDD and Healing Light.

Thank you also Jeff for sharing.
If I can wish anything for you it is that you are able to slowly spend some time out of your dungeon and with your family.

I do hate the intrusive thoughts and reminders that comes from interacting with boys. For a while I helped with my nephews, changing diapers and giving baths, all of the daily care would trigger things. Eventually, they even moved in with me for a while.
It is very disconcerting to be giving a boy a bath while your mind keeps popping back to the disgusting things that were done to you. So I would ask myself if there was any of that I at all desired to do to them. The answer was NO! I didn't see how someone could do that to a child.
I am sure you would never hurt a child. You have avoided them and lived in your dungeon so as to not even have the thoughts of what you were made to do.
I do hope that your family knows at least a little the reason that you have not yet been able to show them affection. And I hope that some day soon you will be able to tell your family how much you really do love the.
If not by a hug, perhaps by writing them a letter telling them how much you really do care.
Hey Toad, Thanks for the kind words.

Like you mention that we're not worried that we might be like the animals who did shit to us. It just brings back memories of what we did to them. My first born was around 8 years old (?) and was very constipated and my wife took him to our family doctor. The doctor told my wife to give him a warm bath and right after two suppositories when they came home and if need be two more in the morning. While my son had no problem taking a long bath he did have a problem with the suppositories. After his bath my wife calls to me that she needs help because he won't let my wife put in the suppositories. So I come into the bathroom and there stands my son in all his glory. I tried to talk him into taking the suppositories but he wasn't going to let her do it. My wife said she could not hold him down. So I sit down on the floor with my wife and I laid him down across my lap. One suppository pushes in the next one but the second one has to be pushed in with my finger and hold it there so he will not let him spit it out. I had a very bad time with that and it took me a day or two to calm down with what I had to do.

I can recall everything that went on in that bathroom like it was yesterday. I can remember every minute of what I had to do. This is the one thing I remember that I can even remember the conversation with my wife and my son and that was 30 years ago. It just brings back memories of what I was forced to do to "children" when I was 14. I look at my grandson who lives in the apartment upstairs and I remember not being much bigger than him when I was forced to do what I did to young children. I was 14 and didn't even break 100lbs yet, didn't even have a hair on me aside from my head. I live with what I did every day. So in order I can calm down I do drugs and booze. I'm not as bad as I was in 2011 when I had my break down but I know that if I had to do the same thing with giving a suppository to my grandson I would probably drink before hand.

Therapy had helped me tremendously. But there will always be things that will haunt me.


Hi Jeff.
That sounds rough. I think even people with out abuse histories could find that traumatic.

I have had a rough few days. My therapist brought up things that are triggers and I mentioned how when I see animal print it reminds me of a bedsheet and makes me really nauseous and shakey. He started asking me about that more. Unfortunately, I was also sitting under a bright floor lamp and I could feel the heat from the lamp.
While he was talking I started having strong flashbacks. ...the leopard print sheets, bright warm photography lights... I could hardy talk afterward and spent the next two days in bed with a migraine.
He told me that the vast majority of porn that was made before 2003 and digital camaras is not online. It takes a lot of time and effort to digitize and upload it and there is unfortunately a steady stream of new being produced and most perps want the newer stuff not something that the kids would already be grown. So unless it was something really different most is not online.

I would like to believe him but don't yet.
I was writing this morning about being innocent... that despite the things I've done that hurt others as well as myself... I've always been an innocent. Carrying memories of the past when so much pain was in our lives is not easy... healing will ask of us that we remember we came to that world not because we wanted it... but because some despicable person was attracted to our innocence and wanted to use it for their own satisfaction. Always we must learn to be gentle with ourselves.
Hey Toad,

I have a picture of me on papasan's couch which has a leopard pattern cover with the cover up to my armpits waving. Obviously I was naked

Everything we did is digitized and on line. It sells. It doesn't take a genius to digitize 8, 16, 32mm film or 128 or 35mm photos. All you need is some money for equipment and a place to put it and the porn movie is now a porn video. It's all out there. It's cheap to digitize movie film of any other type of film.

The animals are still out there digitizing the stuff made with us in it. Open source (free) conversion apps. You have to remember that movies taken of me from the '60 when soft porn magazines were on the newsstands of Manhattan and hard porn magazines were sold in candy stores from under the counter in Manhattan. I remember seeing the magazines that my boyfriend and I were in. We used to get those magazines and they were, as we said, fuck'd up. It's out there, it's all out there. I was surprised to find pictures of myself on the web with a simple Google search. Not hard core stuff but it is porn. My T told me not to look for my shit anymore I could get in trouble so I gave that up. The original "Lord of the Flies" was made in early 60's can be found on the net with a couple of keystrokes.

Police departments were bought in the early '60s they were owned and run by the mafia. I remember when I had locked myself in a corner telephone booth. I was bleeding badly my pants were soaked. It was the middle of November in the early morning I had on a pair of pants, a T-shirt and no socks or shoes. I was 14. Some lady found me and asked me if I needed help. I put my feet up against the door so she couldn't open it. She left and came back with a couple of street cops who came over and tried to coax me out of the phone booth. At about the same time the person who I had just called from that booth drove up. I came out of the phone booth and I was told to get into the car. The police never even asked me my name or why I was crying and in a telephone booth. If they would have looked on the floor of the booth the would have found blood, maybe they did. They never said boo to me. I don't know what was said but I don't think that wouldn't happen today, at least not in NY.

The world hasn't become so straight that only new porn is shown. For being abused for over 15 years I had thousands of porn pic and maybe a couple of hundred movies taken of me. Back in those day the skin business was owned by the mafia. Whatever porn was made they had a finger in it. Today one doesn't have a need to develop film. Back in the '60s B&W pics could be developed in a basement but to develop color pics or film you had to go to either a pharmacy who didn't do porn or send it out to a mafia developing house. The mafia had the money, the people, the equipment and kids to make any type of porn wanted. Movies were made not only by the big porn shops but by a john who would whip out his 8mm and start filming me sucking this guy off. As for snuff movies they were made back then and they are making them today also. I am the survivor of one. The type of animals during WWII who pumped different drugs into the veins of little kids in concentration camps to see how they would react or how long it would take them to die didn't in '45. Unfortunately, those films digitized can be found today.

A good start for stats can be found at
John Jay College of Criminal Justice


Hi Jeff.

I know you are right. But it has been more than I could face. My Therapist did admit that it has likely been digitized and still traded around today.

My memories of that time period are so scattered I often delude myself into thinking I am making it all up. The other day though I looked up online my step uncle who I haven’t seen since I was a kid. He wasn’t in the register as an offender and he is now in his mid 70’s. But when I looked up his address I found out he had a guy living with him for a while who had been arrested for raping a 8 year old.
Birds of a feather.
Dear lapchinj et al.

I read your threads and I feel ashamed that I hold such resentments. My older brother molested me and my little brother.
He was physically abusive, and conned me into sucking hiss dick when I was 12, and then told me how what I was doing was bad and homosexual.

But that is not what I want to share. It is a fear that I have never before admitted. When I was 12 at my mother's direction I stripped slowly for her photographer friend. Although he took pictures at every step of undressing, I did not get anxious about it until I was naked. And after a while
naked I had an erection and hid behind a chair. My mother had me get back into full view naked. Then she told him to cut the pictures down.
I asked my mother why. She said so I would not be embarrassed when I was older.

I knew in some sense this was abuse. But only reading your posts did I acknowledge I might have been distributed. I had assumed till
now this was something special for her photographer friend. When I was older, and married, I put one of the pictures of me on top of the
china closet. It was a picture taken when I was naked but it only went down to my belly.

At 37, I was flooded by the terror of physical, sexual,and emotional abuse. I understood the pain for the first time. I could not stand it.
A cried so hard for three days, I could not walk a straight line. I went into therapy thinking my mother an innocent victim and all the fault went to
my father and his frequent physical abuse.(He hit each of us kids at least once a month and my mother at least once a week.

The therapist would not work with me until a presented evidence of my mother abusing me as well.

I got sober in 1991, my wife did not stop drinking, and threw me out of the house in 1994, after 26 years of marraige. (actually we agreed to a six month trial separation where we would meet each month to see how we were doing. In the second month she asked why we
were bothering to see each other, since she wanted a divorce..)

I asked my wife to take down the photo. She refused, she verbalized she did not care about what it represented, only
that it was hers and she would do with it what she pleased..
Sad to read this gene... I'm sorry you live with those memories. I too came to an understanding of my mother's role in my trauma very late in the journey. It is so difficult to believe the person who gave birth to us could be so cruel... but we know from reading posts on this website that horrible things are done my mothers, as well as fathers. All the best on your healing journey.
Viisitor Toad

Until I read this forum in never occurred to me that my pictures had been circulated.
Another enlightenmrent I thought I would never face. Makes me wonder if she was malevelent.

It probably doesn't matter, either way she hurt. And she has been dead for almost 20 years.


So this is a great thread and I'm not horrified by any of it anymore because, this is what it was like. I didn't need anyone to coerce me after the first time.

Brutalized children, pornography, which so many wink at now. Great. The snuff films should be made of the executions of the pornographers.

Even when they're nice about it it's still brutality. I know someone forced me at some point. I wasn't like that. I was never comfortable on top. This is how you learn it though. They turned me.
Meet the vampire.

So this was all repressed till my forties and I had cPTSD symptoms like you read about and I raised my kids and I was insanely overprotective because,

I didn't want them to run into anyone that was into what I was into back then.

Everyone was affected though. Just because you block it out doesn't mean it didn't happen and those memories are in your body whatever that means and yes, I read Bessels book.

So thanks so much because I wasn't like a victim so much and there is a lot of that feeling, or it's a kind of mindset.

I was a volunteer. This is what you did, this is what you like. Why play with toy soilders? What fun is that? That's what made it so hard to figure out I'd been abused. I just thought I liked certain things.

Then when I hit puberty I was convinced I was a girl. Another benefit. The girl vampire.

I don't try to pretend to be normal anymore, you just live with it.


Sorry for what you went through Mach 123.

Children can in no way consent. So you may feel like you were a volunteer and a vampire but in reality you were being used.
And sex can feel very good of course. So what is a boy to do. You knew you couldn't stop, it so you went along with it.
Some of us fight or try to avoid it. But others of us freeze or submit to it.
But no matter your reaction or how you were used. Top or bottom or both, you were still being abused. It is not your fault.

Also as for being 'normal'.
You are reacting in a normal matter for someone who has gone through what you have. You are 'normal', the circumstances were what was messed up.
A normal reaction to an abnormal situation.
Well said Toad. I spent a lifetime contending with shame over behaviors I've finally come to tie directly to different elements of the sexual abuse. It doesn't take away the anguish, the sadness but at least I no longer have to diminish myself to engage in healing work. It is easy to be confused after what happened to us.
********** TRIGGER WARNINGS ********
If the moderators say no to posting this, which I think would be wrong, but this is a site for healing. It’s just that I get ticked off with people who say “get over it” or something similar. But porn has to be the worst disease that is a major killer of children and as us as adults. If management lets me I would at least like to make this private but invite any one to come read it.

********** TRIGGER WARNINGS ********

I wanted this to be short but I was ticked off that a therapist refused to believe in digitizing old pics and movies. He should change his profession.

I was being taken pictures of since I was 8. I won’t get into too much but my boyfriends sister had an expensive camera and took pictures of us “frolicking” around with each other. She would sell those pics to the boy magazines which could be bought at the newsstands in manhattan! She did the B&W prints in her basement lab. Her color pics were “sent out” to anprofessional lab. The only people that developed color pics and film was the mafia back in the ‘50s and ‘60s.

The main camera she used was a Rolleicord built between 1958 and 1961. I have a picture of my boyfriend holding it taking pictures. I know how old he was in the picture so I found a group of guys on the web who collect those cameras on the net. The gave me the manufacturing dates of each camera version. Way cool. It would have been nice to have the serial# but hey I found the camera. It wasn’t the top of the line Rolleiflex but it also took beautiful pics, I still have many of them. Had to trash a lot though. Too sick.

I took a shitload of Those pictures when I got out of the USAF in ‘72 but I was discharged at the end of the war in’75. They stayed in the bottom of my duffel bag until around 2014.

I always thought my professional career as a prostitute started when I was 11-1/2 but looking at pics that I have show I was only around 10. I loved the guy that sold me. He was my surrogate father and I called him papasan. He called me Kiku which is Japanese for chrysanthemum and when I went on dates with johns that was the name I was known by. My parents were shit to me. There were 4 of us in the village apartment when I was 12 and my boyfriend was a year younger than me but I loved him (yeah I’m gay). Met him When I was 10, that would have made him 9. The two other kids in the room were street kids. Bobby and I were too naive to be allowed alone on the street. We did dates and the two street kids did tricks. Maybe we were worth doing dates.

I slept with johns for weekends and trips sometimes on private planes. Was taken on excursions for a couple of weeks at a time for some nature photography with me as one of the animals. I was taken many times with Bobby also. To go to canada in those years you simply drove across the border and I was always the john’s son or something. Beautiful country and wilderness

It would be too long to tell of my year and a half in the movies. But one of those movies ended up, whether on purpose or by accident, to be a snuff movie. It is this movie that has brought me to the brink many times and I think that is the way it end at some point. It was my fault that I couldn’t beat this 8(?) year old like I was supposed to and he paid the price. He died because of me.

When I was 14 I was dragged into a huge Mafia operation on Long Island which made those movies. According to the Newsday newspaper there were 5 of those horror houses during my years - Hempstead, Valley Stream, Rockville Center and the last two I forget. All in Nassau county on Long Island. My step parents lived in Hempstead but I don’t know where I was taken. My parents were to inolved with themselves to see what was going on with me for 15 years. Why I disappeared for a couple of weeks. The only reason I graduated high school was that I went to a high priced private school and they had the money to get me promoted and finally graduated. (I didn’t go to my graduation and neither did my parent but I’m getting off subject)

********** TRIGGER WARNINGS ********
At first I thought that I was being trained to be a model. I quickly found out that I was to beat and rape little children like 6,8,10 years old. But it wasn’t all about me beating kids, the movie people loved beating me also. This was the worst 1-1/2 year of my life and I still suffer from it very badly. If you ask why I beat little kids all I can say is that if I didn’t do what I was told to do or hesitated in any way the child was beaten brutally for my failures.

I was already electricuted the first week I was there when I was told to rape two very young children (4, 5?) and I hesitated. I never knew that children that young were raped or beaten. I was about to find out differently. I was flipped on my back had a rod shoved up my ass and they turned on the juice very slowly. The next week when when I came they showed me the movie of the beating and electrocution. There were multiple camera men taking stills and movies. After showing me the movie they brought me back into the room and those same two kids were there sitting on the bed. This time when they put one of them in front of me that child was raped, I raped them both. I was just elevated to the highest level of human animal. None human real animals don’t do that. I usually never saw the same kid more than once. 99% of the kids I faced were boys. The electrocution movie was a mind fuck but but the size of those two children make me sick. I’m going to spot with that.

I’m sure movies like this are worthy of digitizing for the sick of mind. Movies with Marlon Brandow(?sp), John Wayne, etc are still watched so why not our shit. Because a therapist said there is just too much porn being made today is crap. There in never too much sick child porn. Movies of infants were being made back then also. To back all this up there were news articles of babies as young as 6 months being sold for sex and one case I read where a sicko flew to California to rape an6 month old child. It’s just that only a very few people were brought to justice back then. If is well known that the NYPD was owned by the mafia when I was a child in the ‘50s and ‘60s. Go read about it in WikiPedia or go Goggle it. No secrets today.

If you ask why I didn’t so no to these two. I was afraid of the way I would die. Beatings would have been acceptable but slow electrocution is horrible and I was only 14.

In order to make us listen or move faster while doing a movie take we were shot with paper clips from rubber band between their fingers. Remember that shit. Besides spitballs in school we shot other kids with paper clips. Hurts bad when shot on a bare ass or on your junk. By these fucks it alway drew a little blood. It’s the sort of thing used to wake someone out of a trance really quick

********** TRIGGER WARNINGS ********
Sometime during that year and a half I was the cause of death of a child around 8(?). Again I was not being brutal enough. After about a 1/2 to 3/4 hour of beating this kid and me being beaten (just trying to do my job), two steroid fueled bodybuilders took us both and hung us up by our wrists about 10feet apart facing each other in the gym(torture room). We were already bleeding, crying and me drugged. I guess they didn’t give drugs to little kids. They didn’t want those children doped up against pain. I was doped up because they were able to control me better. Sick. We were beaten very viscously. I watched the kid scream and cry while gagging for breath until it all slowly stopped. Then the piss just started running out of him and ran down his legs. I will never forget his eyes. They took him down and laid him in a heap on a side of the room, there was no crying or whimpering. Silence. Before they took me down they asked me if I wanted to be next. We were both dragged and thrown down on a shower floor where two ladies washed us up. I couldn’t stand and the water was only on cold. First the child then me. The child was put on the side of the room, still no movement. You didn’t have to be a doctor to see he was dead. My ass, legs, thighs, stomach, and chest was purple. Any colors I was the child was double. I had been part of a snuff film.

Any picture taken of any of us here exposed or played with in any way has been digitized. Don’t be misled by the naivety or inexperience of even a therapist. It’s all out there. Google is our witness and Wikipedia documents it all.

Many thoughts, even over the past couple of weeks has brought me to the brink. Two badly failed attempts when I was 14 years old and one bus that just never come by after I was already three months in therapy. In 2016.
Thank you, @Toad for this post. I was most likely "recorded" (pics/film) during the Trafficking Sessions (ages 6-8). No proof, but that seems to be commonplace during these type of events, apparently. It is horrific to think those pics/films may still be out there.

Healing light

Horrific to think but I know from police investigation stuff nearly 20 years old was around of me from my teens so .......
I just don't think about it no more

Peace to those that may need it in there healing journey



wanted this to be short but I was ticked off that a therapist refused to believe in digitizing old pics and movies. He should change his profession
Sorry Lapchinj,

I think my therapist was mostly worried about my suicidal feelings that day. He at a later session corrected it and said that yes it is amost all digitized and put online.
Unfortunately at that session I may not have been in a state to handle the truth.

So yes we are all out there being traded around.
Being one of the young 4 or 5 years old being used by the older boy in the films and then being used by both an older boy and a man at the same time I have mixed feelings about the boy. I know he didn't really have a choice. But it still haunts my dreams and flashbacks. And I really hope he doesn't feel any guilt on my behalf.

But sorry about my therapist. I think I caught him off guard and I was in a bad state
You know lapchinj,

I think I had some difficult times growing up. But, whatg you describe is unconncionible (sp). It makes me
unable to find the words to offer succor for your recovery. I have had 33 years of therapy and medication. I still
get so I want to die. I can't imagine.

And I have had a lot. My father molesting my daughter and her blaming me for five years.Then getting a better
memory. By then my father was 4 years dead. My little brother holding me responsible for ejaculating on his belly when
he was 8 (it was my older brother). Plenty of trauma and unjustified guilt (Like you had the power to keep that boy alive.)

Still ((((lapchinj)))) if or when I can help, let me know. And thanks for offering, TOAD AND hEALING LIGHT, AND n N C
survivor, and every one.


Staff member
lapchinj, those struggles hit hard, and I support your sharing. Being well with so much? I'm sorry that's happened. I know that can be shared with we who understand. Whether some mod has other ideas, who knows?