Not your fault

Healing light

To everyone that was abused by someone like me

I was trafficked from the age of 8 until 24 when I just left that life. I never said goodbye to anyone. I tried to start my life over from scratch. I met new people, new county, new everything except my memories that have stayed with me since then. On January 4, 2011 my past came crashing down on me. The worst part is when I was 14 for a 1-1/2 to 1-3/4 years I spent every Tuesday at the movies. I was made to understand that coming on time from school (or wherever) was not negotiable. One Tuesday towards the beginning of the movies I was late because I was busy with my gymnastic routines. I do not have the words that could express the beating I got the following Tuesday. I was never late again.

I remember the little children very well. While I don’t know their ages I was able to compare sizes with my grandchildren. I know there were children as young as 5. I do know very vividly that when you hit a young child that child cries. If the child is hit very hard the child just can’t catch his breath. This sticks in my mind like glue. With me no matter how hard I was beaten I didn’t cry. The tears would flow out of my eyes though. If I was told to cry I cried. If I was told to scream then I screamed. I was 14 and I was only 100lbs so I wasn’t big. I was very strong for my age but that didn't help me any. I was beaten, cut and pushed around like a bean bag. But I wouldn't make a sound unless I was instructed to. But a 5 year old child will really cry and it can’t be stopped.

This thread lets me feel how the child reacted to things I was forced to do. After I got married I had 6 kids. Five boys and a girl. I was unable to hold any of my children in the hospital after they were born. I would tell the nurses I'm scared I will drop them. I wasn't afraid of dropping them I was afraid of the child. I was never able to play with them. I was never able to help them with their homework. Never rolled around on the front lawn with them. I used to spend all my time after work in my dungeon in the basement of my house. This continues till today. I spend my time in my dungeon. My second oldest has 2 girls and 2 boys. I could not hold them either in the hospital when they were born. I cannot play with them. I cannot be with them. It just brings back how I beat, tied up, raped, etc. I hear them talk about when they go over to their other grandparents and how well the grandfather can play spit with them or build Lego things. It hurts.

I stop my car watching little league practice where grown men would show kids how to play baseball. Looking at happy children, children having fun. I sit in my car and watch a parent walking on the sidewalk hand in hand with their child. I was never able to do that. (I have tears in my eyes while I write this). When I became a father and I was in the hospital I could not hold my first born or any of my other children or grandchildren. It is a feeling I will never experience. I’m still in my dungeon. It’s been 40 years. I look across the street and watch fathers playing catch or throwing water balloons at each other. It's something I always wanted but will never have. 40 years in this fuck'n dungeon.

I cry for what you guys went through and what I did to children your age. My abuse started at 8 but only in pictures being taken of me and my boyfriend Lanny. By ten I was able to shoplift toys I was never able to have. No matter what we shoplifted, glue was always on our shopping list.

I tried to commit suicide twice during this time of the movies. I was 14-1/2. The first time made me very sick, the second time there was just a lot of blood. Papasan saved me both times.

I don't know if any of you ever thought of how precious it would be to hug a young child. To be able to give a good night kiss to or even read them a bedtime story. I would give a mountain of gold for even one kiss.

This thread is very hard for me to get through. I have to stop here for now. I wish you all well and I'm glad that you all came here to MS to share and to heal. You are all survivors.
I'm sorry for what u went through you are a survivor also

I was in my teens just about to marry when my brother held out my first nephew to me "hey Bruva your an uncle look" my reply. "Very nice im going now "
I could not cope with that title , just a few weeks ago I became an uncle again my siblings have not gone easy on me in the years in between I have been given the title many times they now know I struggle with it the new baby was passed to my partner first , I had hoped after all the practice now I would be able to put it all aside and take the title with pride but I couldn't
Being an uncle terrifys me.

I'm have one bio son and one son that's my partner's bio son
too these two boys I'm dad part of the reason I'm here on ms is them two I want and need to be the best I can be for them and I offen feel like I'm winging it because I has no idea how to be a dad

I thought you was brave sharing what you did it's hard to watch from the sidelines of life wondering how u be part of that is my experience



Thank you for writing this. I am especially happy that Jeff saw it.
Both of you, all of us, I am sorry you've been through this.


Thanks BDD and Healing Light.

Thank you also Jeff for sharing.
If I can wish anything for you it is that you are able to slowly spend some time out of your dungeon and with your family.

I do hate the intrusive thoughts and reminders that comes from interacting with boys. For a while I helped with my nephews, changing diapers and giving baths, all of the daily care would trigger things. Eventually, they even moved in with me for a while.
It is very disconcerting to be giving a boy a bath while your mind keeps popping back to the disgusting things that were done to you. So I would ask myself if there was any of that I at all desired to do to them. The answer was NO! I didn't see how someone could do that to a child.
I am sure you would never hurt a child. You have avoided them and lived in your dungeon so as to not even have the thoughts of what you were made to do.
I do hope that your family knows at least a little the reason that you have not yet been able to show them affection. And I hope that some day soon you will be able to tell your family how much you really do love the.
If not by a hug, perhaps by writing them a letter telling them how much you really do care.
Hey Toad, Thanks for the kind words.

Like you mention that we're not worried that we might be like the animals who did shit to us. It just brings back memories of what we did to them. My first born was around 8 years old (?) and was very constipated and my wife took him to our family doctor. The doctor told my wife to give him a warm bath and right after two suppositories when they came home and if need be two more in the morning. While my son had no problem taking a long bath he did have a problem with the suppositories. After his bath my wife calls to me that she needs help because he won't let my wife put in the suppositories. So I come into the bathroom and there stands my son in all his glory. I tried to talk him into taking the suppositories but he wasn't going to let her do it. My wife said she could not hold him down. So I sit down on the floor with my wife and I laid him down across my lap. One suppository pushes in the next one but the second one has to be pushed in with my finger and hold it there so he will not let him spit it out. I had a very bad time with that and it took me a day or two to calm down with what I had to do.

I can recall everything that went on in that bathroom like it was yesterday. I can remember every minute of what I had to do. This is the one thing I remember that I can even remember the conversation with my wife and my son and that was 30 years ago. It just brings back memories of what I was forced to do to "children" when I was 14. I look at my grandson who lives in the apartment upstairs and I remember not being much bigger than him when I was forced to do what I did to young children. I was 14 and didn't even break 100lbs yet, didn't even have a hair on me aside from my head. I live with what I did every day. So in order I can calm down I do drugs and booze. I'm not as bad as I was in 2011 when I had my break down but I know that if I had to do the same thing with giving a suppository to my grandson I would probably drink before hand.

Therapy had helped me tremendously. But there will always be things that will haunt me.


Hi Jeff.
That sounds rough. I think even people with out abuse histories could find that traumatic.

I have had a rough few days. My therapist brought up things that are triggers and I mentioned how when I see animal print it reminds me of a bedsheet and makes me really nauseous and shakey. He started asking me about that more. Unfortunately, I was also sitting under a bright floor lamp and I could feel the heat from the lamp.
While he was talking I started having strong flashbacks. ...the leopard print sheets, bright warm photography lights... I could hardy talk afterward and spent the next two days in bed with a migraine.
He told me that the vast majority of porn that was made before 2003 and digital camaras is not online. It takes a lot of time and effort to digitize and upload it and there is unfortunately a steady stream of new being produced and most perps want the newer stuff not something that the kids would already be grown. So unless it was something really different most is not online.

I would like to believe him but don't yet.
I was writing this morning about being innocent... that despite the things I've done that hurt others as well as myself... I've always been an innocent. Carrying memories of the past when so much pain was in our lives is not easy... healing will ask of us that we remember we came to that world not because we wanted it... but because some despicable person was attracted to our innocence and wanted to use it for their own satisfaction. Always we must learn to be gentle with ourselves.
Hey Toad,

I have a picture of me on papasan's couch which has a leopard pattern cover with the cover up to my armpits waving. Obviously I was naked

Everything we did is digitized and on line. It sells. It doesn't take a genius to digitize 8, 16, 32mm film or 128 or 35mm photos. All you need is some money for equipment and a place to put it and the porn movie is now a porn video. It's all out there. It's cheap to digitize movie film of any other type of film.

The animals are still out there digitizing the stuff made with us in it. Open source (free) conversion apps. You have to remember that movies taken of me from the '60 when soft porn magazines were on the newsstands of Manhattan and hard porn magazines were sold in candy stores from under the counter in Manhattan. I remember seeing the magazines that my boyfriend and I were in. We used to get those magazines and they were, as we said, fuck'd up. It's out there, it's all out there. I was surprised to find pictures of myself on the web with a simple Google search. Not hard core stuff but it is porn. My T told me not to look for my shit anymore I could get in trouble so I gave that up. The original "Lord of the Flies" was made in early 60's can be found on the net with a couple of keystrokes.

Police departments were bought in the early '60s they were owned and run by the mafia. I remember when I had locked myself in a corner telephone booth. I was bleeding badly my pants were soaked. It was the middle of November in the early morning I had on a pair of pants, a T-shirt and no socks or shoes. I was 14. Some lady found me and asked me if I needed help. I put my feet up against the door so she couldn't open it. She left and came back with a couple of street cops who came over and tried to coax me out of the phone booth. At about the same time the person who I had just called from that booth drove up. I came out of the phone booth and I was told to get into the car. The police never even asked me my name or why I was crying and in a telephone booth. If they would have looked on the floor of the booth the would have found blood, maybe they did. They never said boo to me. I don't know what was said but I don't think that wouldn't happen today, at least not in NY.

The world hasn't become so straight that only new porn is shown. For being abused for over 15 years I had thousands of porn pic and maybe a couple of hundred movies taken of me. Back in those day the skin business was owned by the mafia. Whatever porn was made they had a finger in it. Today one doesn't have a need to develop film. Back in the '60s B&W pics could be developed in a basement but to develop color pics or film you had to go to either a pharmacy who didn't do porn or send it out to a mafia developing house. The mafia had the money, the people, the equipment and kids to make any type of porn wanted. Movies were made not only by the big porn shops but by a john who would whip out his 8mm and start filming me sucking this guy off. As for snuff movies they were made back then and they are making them today also. I am the survivor of one. The type of animals during WWII who pumped different drugs into the veins of little kids in concentration camps to see how they would react or how long it would take them to die didn't in '45. Unfortunately, those films digitized can be found today.

A good start for stats can be found at
John Jay College of Criminal Justice


Hi Jeff.

I know you are right. But it has been more than I could face. My Therapist did admit that it has likely been digitized and still traded around today.

My memories of that time period are so scattered I often delude myself into thinking I am making it all up. The other day though I looked up online my step uncle who I haven’t seen since I was a kid. He wasn’t in the register as an offender and he is now in his mid 70’s. But when I looked up his address I found out he had a guy living with him for a while who had been arrested for raping a 8 year old.
Birds of a feather.