Not your fault

Toad

Registrant
Somewhere out there in the dark sections of the internet are pictures and videos of us.
I was really little and even at the time I couldn’t remember what exactly had happened, but I remember the bright warm lights. It is disturbing that whatever happened to us is probably still out there. I was and am still very good at disassociation and I go back and forth wishing I could remember more, while also wishing to forget the little I do remember. But so far the little I do remember has proved true.

So I wanted to say this to you. I was very little, and you were a much older boy a teenager. But you were used at the same time. I do not remember exactly what we were made to do together. But I feel strongly that you were a victim too.
The people making the videos or pictures were in complete control, not you the older child. So if you were made to do things to me the younger kid, it is not your fault. I did not and do not hold you responsible.
Let me say it again. They were using our bodies. They chose who did what, with what parts. There is nothing you or I could have done. So if you are feeling guilty, or feeling like an abuser. That is not your shame. I absolve you.
Do not worry about me. I am strong. I am a survivor.
 

Healing light

Registrant
Somewhere out there in the dark sections of the internet are pictures and videos of us.
I was really little and even at the time I couldn’t remember what exactly had happened, but I remember the bright warm lights. It is disturbing that whatever happened to us is probably still out there. I was and am still very good at disassociation and I go back and forth wishing I could remember more, while also wishing to forget the little I do remember. But so far the little I do remember has proved true.

So I wanted to say this to you. I was very little, and you were a much older boy a teenager. But you were used at the same time. I do not remember exactly what we were made to do together. But I feel strongly that you were a victim too.
The people making the videos or pictures were in complete control, not you the older child. So if you were made to do things to me the younger kid, it is not your fault. I did not and do not hold you responsible.
Let me say it again. They were using our bodies. They chose who did what, with what parts. There is nothing you or I could have done. So if you are feeling guilty, or feeling like an abuser. That is not your shame. I absolve you.
Do not worry about me. I am strong. I am a survivor.
Hi toad

I know you wrote this a little while back , but I wanted to echo what you wrote. It's was the adults making the choices knowing what they do is terribly wrong that were wrong not those being abused. It's an area of my abuse I don't much talk about its painful.

Peace
HL
 

JayBro

Registrant
Hey Toad,

Thank you for sharing with us your thoughts and your message for your fellow victim during those moments of abuse. For your painful memories and struggles with disassociation I am truly sorry and I stand behind you.Your approach is very enlightened and shows a deep insight along your path to recovery. It is such a common story among survivors that another child victim, one with a longer history of abuse or who is slightly older, is instrumentalised to 'recruit' or manipulate other victims. You are absolutely right, that it is not your co-victim's guilt to carry.

I am also a victim of child abuse imagery and I just cannot fathom anymore the concept of my photos and videos still being out there. There is nothing that we can do. Perhaps, given the intensity and history of police investigations of this crime world wide, our images are catalogued somewhere by trusted law enforcement, Interpol etc., so there is a testament of our suffering and it is also used to help convict these perpetrators and consumers and prevent new ones. Maybe I am being too idealistic? The point is, this is something out of our control and we do not deserve the continual anguish.
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
Hey Todd

I am sorry for what you lived and thank you for sharing. It takes courage to write the words you wrote of the older boy who was with you. Perps know how to groom, control, manipulate and use children. To the abuser it was not abuse, it was a very diabolical perversion as it is with all abuse. Once a party accepts the abuse of others--be it physical, sexual or emotional abuse--through words, support or retaliating against the victim they are as bad as the abuser. In you case, all those that participated in filming the abuse or distributing the films are abusers. Once someone becomes a co-conspirator--either at the time of the abuse or subsequent to the abuse is an abuser. Too many people stand by as someone is being abused, living in denial and unfortunately they begin to accept it as part of life. You are living the truth by recognizing those that were responsible.

An older boy was part of my abuse at times. I remember despising him. He committed suicide a few years after the abuse ended. After Mass my parents offered his parents their condolences and I remember feeling anger at the boy for what he done to me. Today I have sadness for not recognizing what you have recognized sooner in my life, he was a victim and he paid the ultimate, his life. I do hope the older boy realizes he was used and has not fallen trap to accepting the abuser was right. Keep going and yes you are a survivor and thriver.

Kevin
 
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