not working

[markgreyblue]

this was a letter i wrote to a friend -

---to tallsteve ---

i am slowly seeing how not working could really destroy your

sense of self -

one's sense of self worth etc..

i think in part it may have something to do with what

we discussed last night in terms of

self identifiers -

but my thoughts right now are maintaining a healthy

sense of purpose and structure -

and staying away from the down on self thoughts - and where am i -

what can i do

and

value do i have kinds of things -

sitting here today and slowing down ....finally -

at the outset - i just ate oatmeal cookies

and slumped in a chair - dangerous stuff though

if you're not careful -

i can see why some 'trust fund kids' try and

commit suicide -

it is tempting to structure life to be

financially safe and so a trust fund life -

- but not needing to fight for anything -

can sometimes - make one loose direction in an

overwhelming way -

i do not have a trust fund - but just have the

fortune to not work right now -

i can see why you are so incredibly tired a lot -

i have been too since slowing down -

like catching up with stuff - since arriving in

Buffalo

- and then not having stuff to do -

the depression can come on - easily - perhaps

more easily -

not only do you have your trauma to deal with -

but also - the self identifiers of

your big accomplishments every day - not being

available because of health restrictions -

is really trying -

i am taking page out of the tallsteve's book of

salubrious living -

i am going downstairs for a walk - around the

hotel and garden - just for a nice

fresh air break

- then coming up to finish the applications -

just gonna have everything

ready at a moments notice - for when they call -

i needed a break but i am getting on it - at last!

----- i went downstairs - and realized that part

of what i had always

been working on was healing -

that job - kept me going - but now

i am on my road to working and dreams again i am

healthy

and so the indentifiers - really have changed -

new country

new home - new job - new life -

intermediate city unpreviously known at all - no

where - sort of -

(and there was a kind of identity shock - how have i been choosing to reinforce myself - work - making things pretty - or neat and tidy -??? )

so i went out for my walk -

and out in the sunshine - with a pansy lined

mainstreet -

i felt better - just me - and walking - the

sunshine and stuff - the walk -

just wanted to give it - to youse -

am back now - going for my application work now -

and ready self manage - if something derails -


ttyl

love

mark

 

[reality2k4]

Mark, I identified a lot in there, I too just get into a lazy self defeating habit.

I am going to make a habit of getting out more, because I know how bad it can become.

Tiredness can also be a side effect of depression, because you do not fall into the deeper part of sleep at night, but at least you are resting somewhat and that helps.

Have you met Buffalo Bill yet,

ste

 

[markgreyblue]

heheh - no not yet -

but i did see a tempting

Buffalo plush-toy!



m

 

[Leosha]

Mark,

I had a situation of 'not working' a few years ago, when it was a time of transition to another job within the sport I have been a part of so long. We define ourselves very much with our occupations. 'What do you do?' 'Oh, I'm a fireman/lawyer/baker/baseball player/Indian chief/whatever' (Yes, we now have the Village people!) Seriously, who thinks to respond, when asked what they 'do', to say 'Well, I get up, I brush my teeth, I pay my bills, I go for runs after work, I read Tolstoy' or other such things? No, we automatically respond with our occupation as an identifier. So yes, to not work, or to transition in work, can really affect how we see ourselves.

I hope that you will find something that makes you happy when you complete your travels and transitions right now. Oh, AND find a nice job!

Leosha