not too well **TRIGGERS**

[Raphael]

Hi, guys. I went back to therapy yesterday. It was a very intense, painful but illuminating session. At the end I was so exhausted! So many thoughts/memories have emerged. One of the scenes of the abuse came to my mind. It was a sunny hot day and we were out at the beach for a picnic. My whole family was there. My brother asks me to follow him and I could remember the excitement of the 4-5 yo child I was… “Where are we goin? Do you have a surprise for me? This sounds like fun!” My brother then pulled down his swimming suit and asked me to suck his dick. I obeyed and I can't remember if I felt I shouldn't or not. I was probably indifferent. I was too young. And that was not the first time that was happening. But I remember that at some point I complained that it didn't taste good, it was bitter, I didn't want to continue. He was very harsh with me and told me to do it. I was scared. I can't remember what anything that happened after that.

And as I realized yesterday, after those years of abuse I spent my life in a kind of numb state, not really knowing what was going on. I often felt like a puppet, with no control over my life.

My father was very critical of me and to this day he uses every opportunity he has to put me down. He did not love me – is how I felt.

My parents were getting a divorce during the time of the abuse. My mother went into deep depression. My eldest brother is an alcoholic. Another brother is on drugs.

As I grew up people always questioned my sexual orientation. When as a child I would hear some of their comments about me being gay I would feel sick to my stomach. How could they believe they knew me so well to say whatever they wanted about me?? HOW COULD PEOPLE BE SO CRUEL TO A CHILD???

As a junior youth I was always sad and depressed to the point that my classmates started complaining. So I learned that I needed to be happy to be accepted. And a new me came into being: the perfect son, the perfect brother, the prefect student, the perfect friend. Of course I became popular and everyone liked me. As a teenager I would throw parties at my house with all my friends while my father and his family were away, so everybody always had a lot of fun when they were around me. They liked me. But they never really knew the real me. The clown smiling on the outside while crying on the inside. (as I read on a thread by SadandDown this week) That was me. When the party was over and I was alone again, I would cry so much. But at that time I had no clue what the reason was for my sadness.

At the age of 16-17 I had a lot of suicidal thoughts. I didn't kill myself because it would be too painful for my mother. She was the only one I felt really loved me. She passed away in 2001. Yesterday I got in touch with my deep desire to die. I tell you, it is too painful to live!! I am hopeful things will get better but if it were my choice, I would rather have my life end sooner than later. And the only reason I don't want this to happen now is because I know it would be too painful for my wife and children! I faced this truth yesterday. It still ain't for my own sake or happiness that I want to live. (and now I am not talking about wanting to kill myself, but about wanting to die. For spiritual beliefs I wound't kill myself, but I could ask for God's mercy and hope he would take my life away, take me closer to Him, where I would finally know some peace.)

I am sorry to be here writing these things. I hate it. I hate to be complaining about my life, I hate to be bothering you with this long message.

But I am trying to be honest with myself for a change and face my feelings like they really are now.

You guys are part of my life now. During the day I find myself thinking about whatever Marc said, praying that sad and down is feeling better, happy to have received a PM from Pete, thinking about what a great guy Lloyd must be or what a strong person Leosha is. Ivo writes from Bosnia, Brayton I don't remember, Ste always says wise things. I feel you are all my friends. And for the first time I have friends who are there for me even if I cry. You know things about me that I don't have the courage to say to some of my closest friends.

 

[reality2k4]

Raphael,

I am sorry to see you so low, it will pass. Maybe your therapy took you back to the times of deep despair, to times where the kid in you had no feeling of control over how to deal with such tragedy.

Yes, people can be very harsh with children, a comment made at a young age really can hurt deep into the core, especially when you are having to endure so much.

Your life as a kid, is a mirror of mine. I too invented a "me", I was popular, no, I mean too popular, I was the model student. People could never see the hurt inside, the little boy crying, behind the mask of the joker.

I used to think that the other kids could see the pain and hurt, but no, I was so good at masking it. I was so good at helping others and never asking for help, but then again who the f**k, could you ask for help from!

When you have been to the bottom, and you know what I am talking about, there is only one way out, and that is up. The more you pick yourself up, the easier it becomes.

This phase will pass, just let it go, feel good about yourself and look after your family. They are a source of joy, enough for any man to live for,

take care,

ste

 

[Rustam]

Hi Raphael,

I think its great that you can write about this difficult stuff, there is no need to be sorry and I am certain you are not bothering anyone with what you have written. Most of us do or have felt similar. I dont think describing how you feel about your life and past is the same as complaining. Your post is honest and brave about what has been and is very painful. These feelings have been kept hidden too long and it is in bringing them out in the open that they change.

I had been suicidal for some years and life did feel to painful to live, I am lucky to have survived one attempt. I can honestly say that the thoughts and the feelings underneath them can be changed. I did not believe that that could change. I thought it was part of who I was. I havent felt suicidal in a few years. I no longer hope for friendly death to come along in the form of an accident. I am really glad to be alive. I am glad that you have your faith and family to keep you safe until things feel better.

For me going to therapy and working on healing really has changed how I feel. There isnt a quick fix and its a difficult process, but it does happen. I still have a way to go but its still getting better.

Take care,
Rustam.

 

[dwf]

Hi Raphael,

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this period of remembering so much confusion and so much sadness.

It hurts so much at times like these that we think it will never end. But it will come to an end, and you will never have to go through this again.

You are in the right place and taking the right actions. It is possible to recover from the terrible effects of sexual abuse.

It is happening for me and I know that it can happen for you too. Don't worry about sounding like you are complaining or anything like that.

This is how we save our lives--by sharing our lives with others. There is no telling who you are helping by your presence here and by displaying the courage you are showing by speaking out loud about what is happening to you.

So hang in there. This too shall pass. We do recover. And we help others and ourselves along the way and many of us discover a whole new joy of living as we do so.

Take especially good and gentle care of yourself. You deserve it.

Regards,

Danny

 

[outis]

Raphael,

I am sorry to be here writing these things. I hate it. I hate to be complaining about my life, I hate to be bothering you with this long message.

I hate that someone did these things to you. I hate that they inflicted these crimes on each of us.

It's good that you get it out. Keeping shit in just makes it worse.

Listen to these guys. Their advice is solid, their experience is hard-won, and their concern is genuine.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[Brayton]

Complaint and bother are value judgements we make against ourselves. What complaint and bother may be to someone might be sharing and seeking help to another. I'm sure you mean the latter.

For a long while, I prayed for death, just to escape the intense emotional pain I was feeling. This went on for so long that I was able to finally comprehend that it was not that I was actually wanting to die but rather that I wanted a whole new life, a life without that pain and self-loathing but with happiness, confidence, and sound self-esteem in which I could have meaningful and fulfilling relationships with others.

Well, that hasn't happened as I might have expected though my world has been changing and, as it changes, I become more conciously aware of the abuse that occurred and how it results in the emotional behavior I am experiencing now.

I went through much of life with a numbness, like a shield. I did and do want some people to understand me deeply but am also tentative about that and really, having no practice, have no idea of how to go about it.

Keep "complaining" and being a "bother." The path is sometimes steep, rocky and winding but it is there and will lead to change. That is, I believe, our beginner's way of moving out of shadow into light.