Not Sure Why

This year is 30 years since I graduated from high school. The other day I sent an email to a girl that was in my homeroom thur Jr. and Sr. high school. She was a very pretty girl(still is)and was a cheerleader in High school. Got me to thinking about the fact that I never attracted to girls my own age. I thought they were pretty but my attractions were always focused on older women.
I had three sisters who lived right across the street from me who were pretty and available if I had wanted to pursue them. But it was their mother whom I found sexualy attractive. All thur my teenage years my fanasies always were focused on my friends mothers. Rarely with girls my age. But until lately I had not given it much thought.

When I was 11,I and my brothers were playing around our school one saturday. I was near the dumpster when I found a porno picture with a woman on her back with her legs wide open. It left nothing to the imagination and I can still remember my physical and emotional reaction to seeing this picture. I was aroused, fascinate and repulsed all at the same time. I quickly threw the picture down and left to play with my brothers. But I could not get the mental image out of my head. It is still there to this day.
I have always thought this reaction was caused by my sexual abuse from Mr.Candell. But lately I have begun to wonder if that is true.

At the age of fourteen my mother aproached me one day when I was out in the back yard and asked me if Mr.Candell what ever done anything to me. I look at her surpised by the question. Then I told her yes and as soon as it came out of my mouth she turned around as qickly as possible disappeared into the house. And the subject was never brought up again. To this day I have felt there was something more to her reaction then just the fact that I was sexually abused by Mr. Candell. Also somehow feel in regards to that porno picture I found when I was 11. That it might not have been the first time I had seen a woman in that position. I have no real memory of such but I have a gut feeling that there is something there.

Because what gives with the attraction to middle aged women as a youth and not girls my own age.

My first wife was 10 years older than me.

I am not sure why but I am beginning to question things.
I have large blocks of time in my childhood that I have no memory of.
A part of me does not want to post this but would rather keep my doubts to myself.

Mike
 

joelRT

Member, Male
So here's my question, Mike. If you like what it is that you like, why is that a problem?

Being on the cusp of naissant sexuality (age 11) and viewing for the first time an adult woman in all her splenderous and naked glory coupled with the fact that your mother was emotionaly unavailable to you, well that, at least to me, sounds like your answer.

Luv ya friend :)
 
Joel,

Thanks for your reply. Makes alot of sense.
Just one more thing that I have become aware.
One more aspect of my childhood that I was robed of that I will never be able to experience.
And I am becoming more and more aware of all the impact that my relationship with my mother has cost me in my life. And the costs that I am still paying.
To be honest with you I am pissed off about it.
And anger is a really hard emotion for me to express or deal with. Alot of my issues with addiction are a result of this inability to express myself.

Joel the problem is that I was robed of having any chance of a experiencing things in life that most people take for granted.

It was not my choice to have spent most of my life looking for a mother that I never had.
This just f--king sucks.

Mike
 

ttoon

Registrant
Mike,

:)

The very first book, my very first therapist told me to read was, 'Iron John,' by Robert Blye. In my mind, it is about what you are talking about. My first therapist was a woman. Had a grown son and assumed all men/boys struggle with that aspect of their relationship with their mothers.

Robert Blye is an odd sort of fellow. :D A poet, as I recall, turned activist for the men's movement...held retreats off in the woods where the guys adopted Native American names, ran around with no clothes on and beat on things.

As I recall the book and, it has been eighteen years since I read it...the issue as you describe it...would be more about having an absent father. ;) As it suggested that as we became more industrialized as a society, not needing to be hunter gatherers anymore...our connection with men diminished over the years...mentors...


Hmmmm?


:D


Dave
 

joelRT

Member, Male
michael banks said:
Joel the problem is that I was robed of having any chance of a experiencing things in life that most people take for granted........This just f--king sucks.
Yup, and yup again, Mike.

I so hear you. You and I come from pretty much the same backround - the details differ somewhat and we were also impacted in different ways from one another, to some extent at least. But, in so many more ways we are the same you and I, and I hear what you're saying, I know the pain of it all too well.

Sometimes I catch myself looking back over my childhood and wishing that that bitch who had the gall to call herself my mother, had just given me up for adoption like most other unwed teenage mothers of the 1950's. Maybe, just maybe, I would have had a chance at a real life. That's my fantasy........

My reality, however, is that I am living my real life. This one, with all of its imperfections and pains. As of writing this to you, Mike, I have now been awake for over twenty four hours - why? Because my head won't stop throwing up in my face the pictures, the memories, the lies and the bullshit from my past. This is the second twenty four hour stretch I've pulled this week.....am I angry? No! I refuse to give my past that hold over me, and I refuse to do so because all too often the primary emotion hidding behind the anger is sadness and I will not be sad over something that I DID NOT DO!

I got your back on this one, Mike!
 
and you thought you could leave; you thought it was all over but the shouting eh, mike!

this is merely chapter two. a deep inquiry into all of the buried millions of moments of your life; drinking in all the info your senses has secretly gathered and stashed away into some vault within.....a vault with a timer....it only opens once you go thru all the steps necessary to gain access. like a scavenger hunt, you don't get the next clue until you complete the task of discovery at hand. it's quite an amazing race, eh?

yes all those hidden reactions, perceptions that constructed a you that came to see things as being one way, are now coming up to the surface and challenging you to go back and rethink all the things that you had come to own as true gospel. that's gonna take a lifetime of discovery.

as far as the woman spread eagle, i think of two things when i image that: a before and after shot of a woman 9 months before child birth at the invitation to conception, and a woman 9 seconds after delivery [well, cleaned up a bit]. lol! sorry i can't see women any other way!

i remember my mom after bathing would stand there putting her make up on in her slip [over her bra and panties] but the other thing that made it seem incongruous was that public nakedness or nudity was greatly frowned upon in our house. there were many taboos about the body, and we were never allowed to be 'seen'.

however, it didn't seem right considering the modesty rules to see her like that, then another time, when we were cleaning the bathroom as a family [i kid you not] i was on the floor cleaning the radiator, and as she reached to wash the wall above my head i glanced up and saw her breasteses [no bra! yuk!]. that was traumatizing! i wanted to throw up! another time, my maternal grandmother came in the bathroom unannounced while i was bathing, and just very politely hiked down her underwear and sat down on the toilet to have a nice pee.

wtf?

i have my suspicions, that's for sure.

ron
 

joelRT

Member, Male
Mike, Ron,

I am soooo happy to know that I'm not the only true f***up here.

Mike, you already know how very much alike you & I are.......

Ron, you have completely and succinctly described the sexual environment my mother provided me with......it's almost eerie! My mother too would do her make-up in her bra & panties - thin and almost transparent nylon panties (I wanna puke, now). But better than that, she would always make a point of telling me not to look - how could I do otherwise! But the part that I really like is how in my early teens she would berate me in the most vile language imaginable because I liked guys better than girls! Wonder how come, huh? Thanks mom

Oh, now I'm just ranting, I'll shut up. This is supposed to be about Mike :blush: Sorry.......
 
Wonder how come, huh? Thanks mom
..no, that was not a veiled apology.....no it wasn't truly, it wasn't...... did i mention it was not a veiled apology.....just in case....it wasn't a veiled apology....

lOl :crazy: sorry i couldn't resist. we both know better than to buy into the equation that

.. what mom did

.+ dad failed to do

.= gay child

but isn't it fun to examine the crap for corn?

i'll leave now...... :blush:
 
Toon,

I read that book too. Back in 90 or 91. I was going a group thing for csa back then. That counseling center also had groups where men would meet and bang on bongo drums and chant. Never attended one just too far out there for me.
Or maybe not ready to address my father issues at that time.
Early in my recovery first 2 or 3 months I had a crying attack. I wrote about it on Neveragans post wall of tears. My T at the time asked me what I was I crying about. I kept bring up my relationship with my mother and he kept asking me where was your father. I just ignored him and talked about being sexually abused and he said to me where is was your father. I knew what he was saying but emotionally I could not accept it. I see now it would have shattered my illusions that I was not entirely on my own. To me as a child my father walked on water. He could do no wrong and I could do no right. I was responsible (for myself) and he was not. In fact my dads only responsibility was to bring home a paycheck and paying the bills. Everything else fell on my mother he took no interested or responsibility in anything else. For whatever reason I felt him to be like a older brother or completitor than my father.
As I am writing this I am feeling alot of anxiety. Wonder what that is about? Taboo subject for me maybe?
Could be I need to take him off of that pedestal.

Mentors ...? Yes I think I have found one or three hanging around at M/S.

But why would being sexually atracted to older women be a father issue?

Thanks for the insight.


Joel,

My brother if we do not face the painfull emotions that have resulted from our abuse. Are we not choicing to be trapped inside of those emotions until we do? Is this not what causes depression and addictions?

Luv you Too!


Ron,

Just had to throw it in my face didn't ya.
No, let see I have been sober 20 years so this must be chapter 21 or 22. Will this book never have an ending?

Also how women look after birth. Can't say as I really remember that one. I was too reveted on my daughter at the time. The best day of my life.


My High school reunion is in May. I was not planning on attending but I missed out on so much when I was in school. That I am feeling I may just need to go and not deny myself this experience. es.
To see and interact with people I knew so long ago.
Even talked to the wife about it. She agreed to go with me.

You guys may have to hold me to this.

Mike
 
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