Michaelb,
I agree that it is tough, but you know, you are a tough dude. I know that Christ can use you and has grace waiting for you to just pick it up. I do not know exactly what your specific daily struggles are, but I feel like my whole life is a big screw up. However, my therapist constantly puts pictures and examples in my head to force me to see that it is not screwed up. He has first had knowledge since I knew of him before I started seeing him and he knew of me because we have friends in common at the church I attend. I hope that you can separate your feeling and see some facts around you about how people care about you. Someone cares for you. Actually a lot of folks care. If it helps to think about that without emotions, then go ahead. The facts, Christ loves you. Your brothers here love you. You have been through something bad. You are a survivor. You have something to offer. The effects of the abuse are tough. God is tougher.
I look back at a some of the information from Jim Hoppers website (I think - https://www.jimhopper.com/male-ab/#pref) under long range issues affecting male abuse survivors such as: anxiety, depression, dissociation, hostility and anger, impaired relationships, low self-esteem, sexual dysfunction, sleep disturbance, suicidal ideas and behavior. At some point a lot of these my dwell in my mind but I do not necessarily allow them to surface. I would encourage you to find a little something that can let your mind rest from abuse topics and enjoy a few moments. If you look at this site, it is not meant to discourage, but to encourage you to let you know that you are not alone in what you feel. I hope it encourages you to see where you are and where you can start to grow. Remember that the Enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. If you are a believer in Christ, you know that He has defeated the enemy. The enemy knows that but tries to convince us that we are worthless and to not try to help others. If your struggles are deep, then your courage and capacity to help others and to give to others is even deeper. Dont let the confusion of the abuse make you think I LET IT KILL MY SOUL. You know whose got your soul. It maybe that your will to live that is struggling because the only rest you see is that eternal rest. However, wait on the Lord. Our eternal rest will come when He wants us. Until then, you and I and others need to work on resting our minds while we live day to day. Work on ways to relax, rest, get refreshed, and take care of yourself through some activity or other friends or by helping others. (It is easier said than done, but it is possible.)
I am glad that you posted. I visit this site about once a week or so and always feel too exhausted to post a reply (and honestly dont feel worth it.) I felt a need to post on this topic for you and for me. I am trying to make connections again through personal notes of encouragement to friends - most that have no clue of my issues or depression that I battle, but that does not matter. I am more than my abuse and so are you. It helps me to fight off the lies that I have tangled in my brain from the sexual, emotional, and verbal abuse. For me it can be exhausting at times, but it does come back multiplied and it is worth it.
So set aside time to deal with your abuse and the effects of it, then give it a rest and enjoy some of your talent and good qualities. I used to hate when counselors would tell me to take the good qualities in me and expand on it and take the bad experiences like the abuse and get rid of them. My reply which I think is true in my life is that: To me, my personality, my family life, social experiences and abuses have shaped me like baking a cake. Alone, the raw egg of abuse may have been bad, but through the mixing and baking process, it has made my personality what it is today - something good all together. Just like one can not go back and retrieve the egg out of a baked cake, I can not take the bad sexual experience out of my life; however, I need to continue to grow the good qualities that may be directly or indirectly caused by the abuse. I can empathize, be sensitive, be a listener, be and encourager, and be a good giving and honest friend (at least Ive been told.) So most folks enjoy a good cake. Share your gifts and uniqueness that Christ has allowed you to become. (PS. Keep this note just in case you have to send it back to me someday.)
God bless.
Sorry for the long response it seems to be the norm for me.
Later
