Not sure where to start

Not sure where to start
R

Riptide X

Registrant
Hi all,

I am glad to find this board, for the longest time I always thought I was alone even though I knew others were out there.

I am 29 years old, and I was sexually abused by my step-grandfather, cannot remember ages since I tried to forget as much as I could. When I was 17 years old or so, I had told my family, and for the most part were very supportive except my grandmother who is still married to him. I even tried to press charges against my step-grandfather and have him prosecuted, he in fact got arrested but charges were dropped due to statue of limitations. When that happened I got really depressed, felt like I was raped twice.

From there I went to therapy, did that for maybe 1-2 years dont really remember..what I mostly did was just block it out and tried to move on.

10 years later I am now married and have one daughter. But my marriage has not been very good, due to mostly myself. Looking back now I kept blaming my wife for all my problems thinking she was the bad one..well I realized I never truly recovered from the abuse, I just hid it and pretended it never really happened. It seem to work for a while but I guess it messed my head up more.

I am now back in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist and taking Zoloft for my depression and OCD, border line personality disorder and PTSD. I have way too many compulsions..one of them going to strip clubs and spending hundreds and thousands of dollars on the women. I dont know why but I feel this need to do that, but meanwhile I cannot have any intimacy with my wife, in fact I think the last time we had sex was maybe a year ago.


Thanks for taking the time to listen.
 
Welcome Riptide X,

Sorry that you had to find us, but you are in the right place for some support.

I filed charges earlier this summer and due to a confussion in the statue of limitations the police investigated and even got a confession out of the one they could find. When they went for the arrest warrant, they found out my case fell under the old statue of limitations and the time has passed. He was set free, but I got some validation. I'm sorry you didn't get the same validation that I had. Laws are changing to protect the ones that are still out there and coming up.

I'm glad to hear that you are going to therapy. It has been a godsend for me. I wish I would have decide to go earlier or took advantage of the chances I did have.

I suffer a desire to blow money, I am getting better. I used to blow a lot in the strip clubs, it has been many years since I have been in one. It was a combination of wanting sex and not wanting sex and the strip clubs fit that need quite well. I got to look at what I wanted and didn't have to worry about getting it.

Take care,
Bill
 
Riptide x
I echo Bill's welcome and too am sorry for what has brought you here. You are not alone in your feelings, emotions and problems. SA manifests itself in many ways that we are sometimes totally unaware of. For me it was absolute anger at any form of percieved control over me by someone. Even if it was not there I would invent it. Played hell with my marriage to a wonderful woman Nicole. Thank god she put up with me and that was a miracle because I kept my past hidden for over 40 years.
So walk with us and share your sucesses and we will support you during the bumps along the way.
 
Riptide,

I also wish to welcome you. In a way, I hate seeing more men join us. Because it reminds me of just how pervasive this is. And I am sorry this happened to you.

The effects of the CSA ripple through our lives and sometimes, some of us don't make it. I'm glad you did.

You are with a safe bunch of guys that know what you're talking about. So keep talking as you can. Let it out. Let us help you walk this road.

I know that this group was my last stop before something else happened. And I have found that when I get to close to the edge, there is someone here to help me.

You are most welcome here. And give yourself a lot of credit for surviving, if nothing else.

Peace,

Marc
 
Riptide,

Welcome. I echo the sentiment that I'm sorry you need to be here.

This site is a Godsend and the men on the board are some of the most caring I've met.

Participate in the discussion or just lerk in the background and soak it in. Either way you will find a benefit here.

Peace,
Dave
 
Riptide,

welcome to you, none of us should have to be here, but sadly we are.

You will find an awful lot of answers to a lot of the questions, you never dared ask, I think that is the encouraging part for me, hope it is the same for you.

Sharing the shit, is the only way to start knowing "the real you", and healing.

take care

ste
 
Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond.


I picked up a book called victim no longer I think it was, but reading that actually makes me feel worst. I guess they say it gets worst before it gets better.

I just know I need recovery for my wife and daughter, because we are very close to getting a divorce and I dont want that to happen. I dont know what I would do without my family.

Luckily my wife is being more supportive now that I am in therapy and realizes I am taking steps to try and better myself. She realizes I have some serious mental issues and I am just not a jerk who is always angry for no reason.
 
Riptide x. We, the two us, are very lucky to have the women we do. I know that Nicole is my Rock and so is my 23 year old daughter Tanya. God bless them, yours and mine.
 
Riptide,

I add my welcome to that of other people here. I hope that this site will be one of good use to you, and you will find great support and understanding.

I am glad that your wife is so supportive. That can be a very big thing. The girlfriend I have, we have known each other almost 8 years now, but have only been 'in relationship' for about a year. When I finally had the courage to tell her about this, after several months of trying to deal on my own, the first words she said were 'tell me what you need from me'. The next were 'we will get through this'. Never anything like I would have expected. She is still with me a year later, and although we have had great troubles and have not had so much intimacy, she remains patient and loving with me. I am truly lucky. I am glad that it sounds you are also.

I wish you good luck.

leosha
 
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