Not sure where to put this... (Major Trigger Alert)

Not sure where to put this... (Major Trigger Alert)
Dewey2k

Dewey2k

Moderators, feel free to do what you need to. The first reply has my story in it.
 
I don't know where else to post this at the moment, so I'll post it here. This will trigger people big time, so be forewarned

What follows is some writing I've done for my blog in the last couple months about what I've discovered surrounding the molestation I suffered at age 10:
When I was ten years old, my family drove one hundred miles to attend the wedding of a seventy-something great aunt, aged to her second husband. While there, her son, a man in his late-forties, offered to take me ocean fishing the next day. I was excited to go, and we left the reception later that night to go to his place for the next morning.

It was a long drive out to his rural property, and we arrived late, maybe ten or eleven. The smell of hay and horses and chickens permeated the air as we walked from the truck into his small home, and the atmosphere inside was dark and musty. I stood at the door, uncertain where to go or what to do. The man walked out of the living room and down the hall, returning shortly with a sleeping bag and pillow. We made small talk and I looked around as he set up my bed on the couch. The place was cluttered, but one thing I do remember vividly was a large picture of this man, his wife, and two boys.

After I got in my shorts and t-shirt, he settled me in and turned out the lights. I struggled to fall asleep for about ten minutes before he came back out and offered to let me sleep with him if I was feeling uneasy. Being in a strange place, I agreed and went with him. We got in bed and I lay down. He snuggled me in close and kissed my cheek. A few moments later, he began to stroke my stomach and side. I told him I was hot, and he took off my clothes. I wont go into further details. Suffice it to say he molested me in every way short of penetration for six to eight hours, that night, never leaving me alone, and never losing contact with my body. I cant really explain what I was feeling that night during the molestation. I felt sick, afraid, anxious, tired vulnerable is a good word, I suppose. He returned me to my family the next day, and we drove home. That night was the beginning of me not being able to put the clues together. It wasnt until eighteen years later that I could finally put everything together and realize than I am gay.I never told my family what happened until this past Christmas (2004). By that time the man who assaulted me had been dead several years, but Im getting ahead of myself.

Two years after the molestation, my family again drives down to spend some time with my great aunt. The molester was there, and asked me if I wanted to stay over again.

Now here is where things get really fucked up. I was twelve years old and sexually aware enough to be excited at the prospect of having sexual contact. I actually wanted to go with him, and did so. When we got to his place, we went through the same sequence of events up to the point of him asking me to come to bed with him. It was then that I chickened out and said no. I went with him specifically for the sex play, yet when the time came I said no. He left me alone that night.

Im not sure if I feel more guilty for what happened later on in life; the pain and suffering caused by my inability to recognize my orientation, or for willingly going with him that night, and I guess inwardly guilty for not taking advantage of the situation when I had the chance. Its almost like I betrayed myself. Thats really fucked up because what he did to me in the first place was so wrong, and even more so because my mind made it into something that I wanted to do again. It would seem Im still conflicted, and I didnt realize it before. I thought I had settled this.

Guess not.
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What bothers me the most is wanting to go with him the second time. People I've talked to tell me it's not my fault because of what he did to me before, and the fact that at age 12 I was pumped full of testosterone and only knew it was going to be sex...

I still have a lot of work to do, but I'm not sure where to start or where to go.
 
Hi Dewey - What happened when you were 10, the first time you met this predator, is where things went haywire. Vulnerable, the word you struggled for, is exactly what you were that night. You were young, alone, in a strange place with a strange man. How much more vulnerable could a boy be? That was the night that your introduction to 'sex' took place and sex took a turn for a place it never should have gone.

Children at age 10 are far too young to process what sex means both physically and emotionally. So, two years later, when the situation presented itself again, your still-young mind processed things in a way that it may not have for most 12 year old boys.

The mind and body are designed to learn about and experience sex with people of our own ages. That way we learn together, experience these new, powerful feelings together. A man in his 40's had no right to take advantage of a young boy. He was sick.

Please stop tormenting yourself about feelings you had when you were a 12 year old boy. First of all, the feelings you had were put there by someone else because of what he did. Second, you did the right thing, ultimately. You said no because, despite the skewed sense of sexuality you had, you knew somewhere deep down inside, that what was about to happen was not right. You are to be commended for that. You saved yourself from further harm, not an easy thing to do for a boy who was as vulnerable as he had been two years prior.

I'm glad to see you here, posting and telling your story. And, as a side note, I thank you for signing on to a Call to Arms. All that is asked of you is to heal and recover in whatever way works for you and to reach out for help if things get scary.
Peace - John
 
Hi Dewey, this may be triggering to read, what he was doing is grooming you. You can read about it here. https://www.malesurvivor.org/Prevention%20&%20Education/Articles/groom.htm
I can't tell you about how it feels to be groomed, and how it can mix you up. But most of the guys here can. Do not kick yourself in the ass about this any more it was never your fault!
 
More from my blog, posted about a week after the entry from above:
When I went to the counselor on Monday, we talked briefly about the history surrounding the last five years. I told her my guesses about the molestation causing me to suppress my sexuality and the events leading up to my breakdown. It started me thinking, which is always a dangerous thing, usually to myself.

I cant believe I ever thought the molestation I suffered at my uncles hands was nothing to be concerned with. The more I think about it, the more I find that the effects of that persons violation of my innocence destroyed who I was and was going to be. He killed that little boy. He stole twenty years from my life. He took the remainder of my childhood, my adolescence, and my young adulthood and ripped them away from me.

I so much wish he was alive now instead of rotting in his well-deserved grave. I want to confront him with what he did to me and rip him apart with it. I want to show him what his one night of perverted pleasure did to not only my life, but the lives of those around me. I would never regret having my children, but in an oblique way, that asshole is responsible for me being married and having them, and creating a situation in which people have been and will continue to be hurt and damaged.

God said, "Vengeance is mine." He can have His vengeance. All Im praying for is the capacity to forgive my molester so he cant touch me anymore.
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I'm not quite there. I keep discovering new things that what this... person did to me may have caused. A good example: I can't stand to be in a dimly lit room. It either has to be bright or dark. Anything simulating twilight conditions makes me anxious. Another example is the dry musty smell in old buildings makes me claustrophobic. Make it a dimly lit old building and I can go into a panic attack.

*Laughs at self*

You know, at one point I thought this was no big deal, as I mentioned above, and I find myself vacillating between that and feeling almost crushed. What happened to me is pretty minor as events go- I wasnt raped, no penetration and it only happened once.

There is a part of me that is saying that this really shouldnt be a big issue, that I should be able to shrug it off because it is so low on the continuum of abuse. Another side of me says that trauma is trauma... but I have a real hard time convincing myself.
 
Dewey,

I have very similar issues. I Understand alot of what you are saying. My Uncle when i was 5yo and it was just a couple of times. When i read many of the others stories I use to feel I didnt have the right to Bitch and Moan--I was Lucky i thought. But as i have been here almost going on 2 months now. I finally got alot of things.

The first abuse whether great or small steals it all. Everything after that whether Great or small Only Happens. The deed is Done in the first Moments. You Can't steal a Childs Soul alittle or some. Its an All Or Nothing deal, in My opinion. So Now when i read stories Of Constant and Violent abuse-I realize That we are all brothers and I cry for each the same now. I Dont compare My Pain with yours. I Only Know that it takes a Single Moment to steal a Childs Soul and a Lifetime to Rebuild it.

I am sry you Need this site and Glad you found it. You are as Valuable as each of us, I Hope you find What you need here. I Found My Heart and My Soul again.
 
Thank you for the validation, kaceechase.

The thing I'm having trouble with at this point in time is the varying degrees of "burden" if you will that this is causing. Sometimes it's completely out of my mind, and other times it is incapacitating. This is a major problem as I need to be able to function at a moment's notice for my job.

Has anyone else run into this?
 
Hi Dewey,

I'm sure you've found already (as I believe these are your early days here at this forum) that you'll read lots of input from so many guys just like you, who have had their lives hijacked by perps just like yours.

This will no doubt cause you pain sometimes, and relief at other times. I mean releief in the sense that somehwere in here you'll see another person saying EXACTLY what you feel. That will bring you relief in the sence that you are not alone.

Your post has done that exact thing to me. In particualr, your thoughts about your first abuse and what "didn't happen" and also your thoughts about your "return trip" and what was going through your mind struck a cord with me. It's the whole "what my thoughts were" self condemnation.

I have often thought that I was a willing participant as my perp was my brother, and therefore family and surely I would have known what was right and wrong.

Dewey, as others have said, that very first act is the one that set a whole course of destruction and distortion headed your way. What can you do when a storm is headed your way? All you can do is brace for it, try and live throught it, and then try to continue living a life after all the damage it's caused.

As I type this, my eyes are growing moist, and if yours do too, I'm sorry (and I'll try and email you some tissues). But I can relate to your feelings, and also to some of the hurt you no doubt feel - not to mention the anger you feel.

So, from a selfish note - you've helped me. Thankyou. On a giving note, I hope that I've been able to encourage you also. I look forward to getting to know you more Dewey.

Thankyou so much for joinging us and being you.

...Bruce
 
The more I think about it, the more I find that the effects of that persons violation of my innocence destroyed who I was and was going to be. He killed that little boy. He stole twenty years from my life. He took the remainder of my childhood, my adolescence, and my young adulthood and ripped them away from me.
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Although we have different perps, Dewey, this is PRECISELY how I've felt for the past 12 years, and I've only begun to realize the full magnitude of what happened to me and the impact it is has had on my life, most especially relationships with women.

You know, at one point I thought this was no big deal, as I mentioned above, and I find myself vacillating between that and feeling almost crushed. What happened to me is pretty minor as events go- I wasnt raped, no penetration and it only happened once.
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I pretended and lied I got laid. It was my first time and despite my age of 19, I didn't know any better. I know now, as I think you do too, it IS a big deal.


All of this to say that you...are...not...alone. Period.

MR

Background info on my story:
https://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=005815
 
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