Not sure I even belong here, but regardless...

[Personman]

So I'm some dumb kid whos afraid of everyone and nearly everything thanks to struggles I've had with my self esteem (or lack of therof) and confusion over repeated dreams I've had over and over again that may actually be memories of abuse. I'm not feeling brave enough to actually get into all that right now but my life has been a perplexing mess thanks to these and I'm progressivly getting more and more crippled in a myriad of ways thanks to these night terrors. This has to stop, I'm worthless to anyone this way. I don't really know what is going to happen here but I guess in the very least I can get some burdens off my chest for temporary relief and just maybe I wont get lambasted for making things up like others have said in the past when I made the mistake of talking about this.

I guess I'll look around a bit and get myself composed so I can share my speal without sounding like a passive aggressive little brat (or whatever I sound like now) sometime later. Whatever the case I hope everyone is getting along well with the holidays.

 

[traveler]

Personman -

welcome! this is the place for those who don't belong elsewhere, so you'll fit right in. feel free to explore and get to know what we are like. chances are that you will find some common ground.

when i joined MS i was not sure if i "qualified" because much of my own history was spotty or hazy to me. as time went on, as i learned more about CSA, as dreams increased, as memories returned or became more clear and detailed, as i encountered others whose experiences resembled mine, i discovered that not only did i belong - but i had found a place of acceptance, understanding and healing.

i hope that you also find some of what you seek here as well,
Lee

 

[victor-victim]

if you have come this far,
you're a survivor, chances are.
those of us who remember everything,
may sometimes envy those that don't,
but suffering comes in many flavours.
the intensity is something deeply personal,
individual, and inconsistent.
not being certain, not being able to recall,
that must be some special kind of torture,
because you are unable to connect a specific traumatic event
to your current symptoms.

i wish you well.
and welcome.

 

[Bardo]

Personman,

I too have felt that I was not sure, that I might not "qualify" for this group, or that I was not worthy of the time and attention of men who have suffered so much and survived. But I have learned that suffering and CSA don't have "gold membership" clubs. We all occupy the front row seats as survivors. Please read, post as you feel able, PM folks that seem to have similar stories or that you resonate with. Every man here will believe what you say. I look forward to hearing from you.

Freeman

 

[KMCINVA]

Dreams have a way of taking us to places we do not wish to go. I always knew it happened but buried it. The memories would re appear in dreams and nightmares. These memories seem to be haunting you and causing problems in your life. Continue to explore and share what you dream. It may open the reasons why your life is filled with problems.

We all somehow "pretend" or "wish" or "what if" it did not happen.

You found a great place to help you. We do not judge, we all have lived the problems CSA can cause. Take your time, maybe find a therapist to help you through the dreams.

I wish you well and thank you for sharing with us.

Kevin

 

[woodenshoes]

Personman

You signed up. You are now part of our family of support. You need support just ask. We will help where we can.

Ws

 

[Nathan-Tudor]

Hi Personman,

First of all, welcome.

I had similar reservations about showing up on this site when i first became acquainted with it. it was a few months of reading other people's stories and posts before i finally introduced myself.

Nevertheless. I identify with night terrors, all too well. It's hard enough to deal with the abuse on it's own, but being trapped in a waking dream that you cannot seem to pull out of every time you're trying to get rest from the damage this world has given you, is in itself a form of repetition.

A friend of mine suggested that I shift my focus (Which is hard to do because the triggers/flashbacks follow you like a dark cloud) Shift my focus to things that make me happy. So I started watching my favorite films, doing artworks and photography on a daily basis to keep out the stress that always brings me night terrors. It's been 3 weeks and I haven't had a night terror.

You shouldn't feel any kind of pressure to get into anything you don't want to, but just know it must be dealt with in time. Our journey back to recovery is never the same, find your way.

 

[Landscape]

Hi Personman,
Welcome. That first post is the hardest.

You can read, write, share, tell your story, vent, rant, empathize, question and just about anything else you can think of here. No one here judges you or compares experiences.

As others have said, take your time. Share as much or as little about yourself as you want, when you want.

We're all here to support each other as best we can.

 

[Serious Dave]

Welcome Personman,

Your story, your experience, and your suffering are all valid here. You will find acceptance and loving kindness on this board.

Dave

 

[DavoSwim]

Personman,

You made the right decision by coming here. You'll be safe here. The guys here will believe you, because we know what it's like to be in your situation. Please feel free to get it out and get it off your chest. You'll definitely feel better. No one here will call you names. On the contrary, you'll get support and understanding. Take it at your pace and do what's right for you. I'm sure in time, you'll be convinced you did the right thing by coming here.

Dave

 

[Mishka95673]

Personman, this is the place where you can vent, rage, cry, and say anything you feel the need to say. No one here will judge you and there will always be someone who has had similar feelings. You are among friends - welcome

 

[Serious Dave]

Welcome Personman!

Drop your burden here. You won't be judged or lectured no matter what your situation. Instead you will find compassion, understanding and relief.

 

[gettingstronger]

Hi Personman,

Welcome! Part and parcel of abuse situations seems to be driving the survivor's self esteem into the ground. I know from experience and from talking to a whole lot of guys here (and elsewhere) that practically all of us either suffer or have suffered from self esteem problems. I'm looking forward to the day when you can see who you really are and what you have to offer, as opposed to what others may have led you to believe.

In the meantime, welcome. Explore all you want, join in discussions whenever you feel like it, and reach out if you need support. I was scared to death when I first joined this site, after keeping silent for decades about my own situation. I found this is a really safe place.

Bob