Not sure how to handle it all

Not sure how to handle it all
A

amberbaby86

New Registrant
My fiancee of going on one year had told me about being abused multiple times as a child by numerous perpertrators, with the sad part being his mother never believed it when he told her, until she walked in on it herself (this happened more than once).
Naturally, he doesnt't like to discuss any of it with me, but when the topic does come up, I want to know more to try to understand where he is coming from. So I ask questions and get half answers which brings on me asking more questions, which in turn makes him freeze up and not want to discuss anything at all. This frustrates me somewhat, because I am comfortable talking about things with him, and he has this wall put up.
Am I trying too hard? As the year has went on, he had told me more details about the SA incidents, and what happened years after it was over with. He has told me that when he was around middle-school age, he molested his young female cousin, with actual penetration involved. This absolutely knocked the breath out of me.
I knew it took a lot of courage for him to tell me this, but now I am afraid to have children with him in the future, for fear he might SA them. What should I do? I have told him that I am scared he might try to do that with our children, but he assures me those thoughts have been gone for over 10 years, but part of me doesnt fully believe him.
Because of his SA, he has no interest in being intimate with me what-so-ever, claiming he isnt a "sexual person". But yet, I see him looking at pornography of "barely legal" teen girls, while masterbating during or afterwards. This leads me to believe that he still has those thoughts about younger females.
We are still young ourselves, so females younger than myself are not of legal age. Am I over-reacting or is there any validity to my suspicions? :confused:
Please help me.
 
Hello there,
Welcome, there are many people here that will be able to offer amazing information and advice. However, one thing I have learned is no matter how much I may or may not know about this issue, the survivor in my life has to desire help before anything is going to change. You cannot force help on him. That has been very frustrating for me, and has brought a better understand of patience in my life.
Also, the good news is you are both very young...that gives you time.
I think bringing up talking to someone, and even buying him Mike Lew's book 'Victims no longer' would be a good start...
Good luck, and know this board is full of really amazing stuff and even more amazing people!
 
Amber
If he's talking about it, however little, there's hope that he can deal with his past.

So I ask questions and get half answers which brings on me asking more questions, which in turn makes him freeze up and not want to discuss anything at all. This frustrates me somewhat, because I am comfortable talking about things with him, and he has this wall put up.
Click to expand...
From my own experience, and having spent a lot of time with other survivors, its apparent that we can't be pushed into healing and dealing with our abuse, we have to do it at our pace.
Sexual abuse is often more about someone excercising power and cotrol over another person than about actual sex. Sex becomes the weapon to gain control.

So we grow up reacting badly to anyone that appears to us to be taking control over us again, no matter how well intentioned that persons motives are.
So many of us reacted against all kinds of authority until we'd got ourselves sorted out, and quite possibly your questions seem like 'control' to him.

It's a terrible place to be, you want to help but keep getting rejected.
What can you do ? just let him know that you believe what he tells you ( within reason of course ) and create a feeling of trust between you. Make him aware that you are the good guy, and that when he's ready you are going to listen without judgement and support him.

That's also going to be difficult given his admission of abusing his cousin and using dubious porn.
But he won't automatically be an abuser as an adult himself, but his behaviours would be better sorted out sooner rather than later.

Something I've suggested before to other partners is to buy a book, Mike Lew's Victims no Longer would be my recommendation, for yourself - but leave it lying around somewhere where he'll find it. I doubt he'll resist looking through it, and seeing that 'something' can be done.

The book can be bought through Amazon by following the 'Bookstore' link at the top of the page, that way we get a % as well.

Dave
 
Hi

My partner was also abused as a child and also avoided being intimate with me, not just in the bedroom but in a general sense.

He would always tell me that he wasn't a sexual person and for years I believed this. Since he has made the decision to get support to get better he has changed a lot and he admits that he is sexual. There were/are many reasons for his lack of intimacy but one of the big ones was that he felt very scared being intimate, he could do sex but only if it was anonomous and completely without any feelings other than shame and withdrawal, ie; recreating what happened to him as a child.

It is helping me to realise that he couldn't be intimate with me because he cared too much, sadly this made him unable to be physically close with me. This is getting better almost daily now.

If you do decide to stick it out with him I'd say get some support for yourself as well. There is a good book called "allies in healing- Laura Davies. It helped me a lot and ultimatly helped him and our relationship.

I have also quickly come to the realisition that some of my efforts to "help" were having exactly the opposite efect. There are positive ways you can help though.

Good luck and take care of YOU.

Tracy
 
amber,

I am not much older than you, and my partner and I have been together for nine years. We have two children together.

Maybe there are some guys in their early 20's who can look at that "barely-legal" stuff and it's not a big deal because of the small difference in ages, but if he has already sexually abused an underaged girl, I think this needs to be off-limits for him. The porn and masturbation are reinforcing the connection between his sexual feelings and young girls... and btw, it is not that hard to "slip" from barely-legal, to not legal.

I know that the abuse my boyfriend experienced, and other parts of his upbringing, made it hard for him to think about manhood or being a man-- and he struggled a lot with being young and in a long-term, committed relationship, and with being a father. These were hard adjustments for him to make because it was hard for him to imagine himself in these roles. The idea of "growing up" as it related to his sexuality-- becoming attracted to women, not to girls-- was complicated by his abuse. (I remember experiencing this "growing up" myself-- being 20/21, seeing a good looking older teen and thinking, oh, this young man is very attractive, yet, NOT attractive, to me-- but recognizing that a year or two earlier, I might have been attracted.)

I am NOT saying that middle-school aged kids who abuse, always go on to be adults who abuse. There are some sexually abused children who act out their abuse by hurting others, and then stop. You're the only one here who knows your fiancee-- but I will tell you, even if he doesn't act on his sexual thoughts of younger girls, it is next to impossible for two young people to put together a functional marriage when one of those people is not ready to leave adolesence behind.

Bottom line is, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR CHILDREN ARE SAFE. I agree that you can't force him into healing, but what you can do is set some very firm boundaries of your own, and then put the ball in his court. Tell him what you need to see from him that shows you he is facing up to and working on his issues, BEFORE you start a life with him.

SAR
 
I want to give a big thanks to everyone for their comments. I had to change my user name on here. You are helping me to realize what I should/should not do and we are making a little progress. I know the road ahead will be tough, but hopefully I will be able to see the true him, not the man behind the abuse.
 
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