Not so ok today

[blacken]

I have been doing really well now for some time......well over a year.

But not the last couple days.
I have had enough experience with this now to know that I should confront it & seek some support.

I'm not sure what's going on exactly.

I think it May Be a combination of "the Holidays", my birthday, just turn the big "40", and who knows what.

I had a severe reaction last night in the MS chat room. I hid it from the others well. But I wasn't able to stick around long.
Someone came in with a name that to me, seemed female. I started to freak out. Waves of anxiety started pounding against me. I felt dizzy & sleepy. My breathing became labored.

I don't understand this trigger.
I was never abused or neglect by a women.

I have not experienced such a strong reaction for nearly 2 years, & now Wham! out of seemingly nowhere....this.
I have been having intense bad dreams. Abuse related. Not flashbacks....Hopefully those aren't coming.

Even right this moment I can feel some chest tightness.

I'd really like to go to sleep right now, but I have to go to work.

I can't think any more right now.

i feel more like BLACKEN today.
Help me to brighten up.......or perhaps what I need is to dig deeper.....i don't know.

 

[froggy12]

The digging can wait. Maybe you need a new shovel? Or a pint? A mug of espresso? A trip to Italy?

40? Like I told someone that I was in steerage on Noah's Ark and did that place reek. Phew.

On my 40th, I had a party for an intimate crowd of 50...no, just 10. Big bowl of vodka/champagne with strawberries and ice, some ilicit or is that non-licit items which shall remain nameless - lots of food, and for the kiddies, pie shells with all the whipped cream one wanted, then into an unsuspecting face. This was out on the driveway, in California, so then the hoses were used. It was 70 degrees F.

You also have seasonal ligh disorder - stays dark too late and gets dark too early. Get a bright lamp and use it for an hour a day. Those suicidal Swedes use it a lot, unless they can go to the Antipodes or Argentina.

A chatty froggy12

 

[phoster]

i have been asking myself questions recently that kind of touch on this. at what point are we trying to fix the nature of the beast? i mean, as flesh we are going to have bad times. that is eternal. every one of us will have more bad times ahead. even those that were never abused have them, so how much is the abuse, and how much is just the way it is? at what point have we healed enough, and need to use what we learned and stand on our own?

i dont have the answers exactly. what i do believe is that you have developed the coping skills to combat a bad time. you know to come here and talk. you know to examine your feelings and try and express and sort them out. you have grown strong enough to do what you need to do.

i will remember you in my prayers. i have faith that you can determine what is going on and confront it. if i can help, i am here to listen. you hang in there, and keep asking the questions. you will find your answers in time.

 

[froggy12]

We need discernment; how to verify or validate that which is real vs fantasy in the incidents. Part of coping can gloss over some bad stuff, then when it wears off, we are not sure of its true nature. Sometimes therapy works, but the 'recall' can be harmful. A T has to have experience in PTSD.

froggy12

 

[Leosha]

Paul,

sometimes, the triggers come from unknown sources, and are difficult to understand. Perhaps the 'female name in the chatroom' felt like a lost boundary to you? I know that there have been some survivors here in the past who have been very adamant about how they feel about having any female in the main chat room.

As for the birthday, they can be a mixed blessing. Yes, it is a good thing to have yet another one, compared to the alternative. But also, for me anyway, it is a time of introspection, and inspection of my life, and what I have accomplished, and who I am now. It is not always a positive thought process. Add the holiday time to it, and it creates a whole different stress I think.

I hope that you can uncover what it is that troubles you right now, and then deal with it effectively. Meanwhile, I hope that you know always you can return here for a different, outside perspective on things, and hopefully some advice and answers.

Leosha