not really trying anymore TRIGGERS

not really trying anymore TRIGGERS
M

markgreyblue

Registrant
i am here alone tonight - as usual i guess -

but worked real hard at stuff today -

accomplished a lot -

horizontal in bed - too lonely to
sleep - so I washed clothes - scrubbed my toilets - and mopped the kitchen -

tired - but sat there in bed - i felt alone -

my mind unfamiliar to me -

as a separate thing -

and yet then uncontrollably -
i could not avoid
it -

i cannot detach

i am just not trying with relationships anymore -

romantic ones -

i have too much to do -

too much hurt

distrust of seduction -

a real resentment to falling in love now -

and sex is just a going to the bathroom act -

the soft cuddly emotions that used to render me

hapless - and breathless and no willed

I HATE

and now each time someone penetrates me -

it is more for them - for I CANNOT ENJOY IT

I cannot get close - I Cannot trust connection -

I am fragile - great I am fragile -

I met a man at the gym who set me up

with his super rich CEO friend -

so wary of this friend - who seemed to try to

grasp on to me -

I am so triggered by the slightest red flag -

and I summarily put a stop to any connection with him - before it really started - he was expecting

EXPECTING me to come to his house for the weekend - I HEARD-

I AM NOT A BOY FOR RENT!!!
I HAD NOT MET THE MOFO IN PERSON YET -

He was already making plans for this ???

what a looser - look I have a big house -
you must want to date me -

asshole -

ok sorry for the trigggers

I hate people -

I wish I could love them

when I do - it is so confusing -
 
sorry this is really ugly - i can't avoid shit tonight - and you should not have to read this -
i will get it deleted -
 
DOn't delete it...it is honest. I am sorry that real relationships elude you. fuck...I am so sick of people hurting...Mark, I'm sorry that you can't feel love, can't trust...I'm sorry you feel alone. Please know that even though you don't know me you are not alone.

Will
 
markgreyblue,

Thank you so much for your honesty. I know it came from the deepest parts of your heart. Takes a lot of guts to admit how you feel and to be up front about it without sugar coating it.

The trust factor is a major issue with guys who have suffered from SA. If one guy did it, what is to say another guy won't do it too?

I finally reached the point where I cared about nothing...family, friends,sex, food, life...but then from out of the blue, someone came along. He was the one and only person who saw the real me underneath my shell. At first, I hated his freakin' guts - he was just a bitchy old man. But over time, he found a crack in my shell.

Through time and patience and love, he brought out the man inside of me...wounded, shattered...and started helping me to see the man I could be.

Sorry for taking over your post with my story, I just want you to know that, yes we have to be very very careful with relationships. But as long as we live in fear, THEY WIN! All the perps out there - our fear is fed by our thoughts about them, about the what ifs.

I refuse to let them win anymore. Yes, I am still afraid, and yes, I do not seek relationships. But this is because 1) have boyfriend 2) too broke to go out 3)no time with work and school.

Please keep posting your feelings as you work through this. I know how it feels to be "dead inside." Let us help you feel alive again...
 
i had a best friend that once told me it was amazing that i could even feel the skin on my body after she learned what i had endured in my childhood. i have travelled thru time in a vessel that only others can see. only others have felt its warmth.i,on the other hand, have watched myself in a mirror- trying desperately to feel what i see.my friend died ten years ago. after her death i have found it difficult to find the safety to let someone into my life who validated my life on every level. thank you markgreyblue for your writing.seeing people for what they really are is so painfull
 
Mark,

Thankyou for the guts in sharing REAL stuff about you. Please don't ever think you can't share what's happening in your life.

If you can't do it here where else can you?

Thanks for being you and for being a friend.

...Bruce
 
Thanks guys

moved and and stunned but
got to get back to work -

Thanks -

Mark
 
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