not quite sure what to say...(trigger?)

[Cement]

I haven't posted in a long time. Was fired from my job last year. I was masturbating online, in my office when the boss came in. He didn't catch me.

I am sure the masturbation, which had started to happen almost daily was a symptom of the larger horror I was experiencing in my profession. I should not have been working for that guy anyway. Still, the idea of defiling myself and my job like that is nerve-wracking, made all the more so because I have continued to regularly masturbate online.

By the way, my wife caught me exchanging photos with an anonymous woman online, three years back, and I nearly lost my wife over that. Now go figure.

Is this just classic self-destructive behavior? I mean, I know I do not deserve to be happy. I should say, I know that I feel as though I don't deserve to be happy, that feeling is like an old friend I am trying to talk out of something stupid, like driving home after a bunch of drinks.

I just want to stop wanting women to see me naked. I want to stop wasting an hour and a half at a time, especially when I am nervous, or something big is happening in my life. I want the compulsion to end. I have had it for decades now, yes, decades, and it needs to end.

I get some odd narcotic effect from mistreating myself and I just want off that feeling.

 

[Muldoon]

HiCement
I was unemployed for 18 months and it was hell dealing with this SA shit . It just reenforces our feeling of wrothlessness. Best of luck in finding a new job.

I just got done talking to my T about my on line porno sessions. Ray gave me some ideas to deal with this issue. I going to try to stop masturbating all together for a few weeks and see how I feel about it.

I do remember back a year or two I stoped masturbating and sex with my wife was so much better. I was able to keep my mind on my wifes needs and off those online photos.

Some how I found my self back on line this last month filling my mind with porno. Being unempolyed leads us down the self distrutive road. I know the online world is not good for me. Good luck. Tom

 

[Cement]

and the urge and compulsion sneak up...

I remeber when I stopped all masturbation. I too found a greater depth of intimacy with my wife.

I will say that I am feeling like I have no control over when it will happen though. I mean, I know I have control, but the pull, the draw is so strong that it is difficult to avoid, and when I am stressed, that is how I "feel better." highly ironic, I have never felt bettere after.

thanks for writing

 

[sabooka]

I have the same patterns.

Luckily I am in a non-online porno stage. It took my wife catching me doing sex chat for that to happen.

I know what you mean that you think it will make you feel better and then it doesn't.

I have heard pornography compared to drug abuse and the parrells are there.
For now i am going one step at a time.

I know what you mean

Jonathan

 

[scooter]

I told my wife about my porn addiction last year after I had given it up. She was very supportive of me and even encouraged me to look at porn when I needed to. I still look regularly - no longer in secret, but to me it helps me to understand what sex is. This may be contrary to what many say, but it is theraputic for me. I tell my wife about what I look at and why it turns me on. My wife and I have had such a deepening of intimacy since, and it even forced the my experience of abuse out into the open.

I still masturbate. It feels good and now I like to do it for me. I never go to full release anymore, because I save that for when I am with my wife. It never did end the anxiety anyway, it's in truly sharing intimacy with my wife that I have my moment of freedom. That is why I move forward.