Not normal

Not normal

Charlie024

Registrant
Hello all.

I’m a late 20s guy and I go by Charlie. Please not Chuck, that’s my grandpa haha.

I’m new to this. I only look at these parts of the internet, the male survivor stuff, after a few drinks. Sorry in advance.

I have a very very bad memory. I can’t remember anything in my current day, can’t remeber what I was doing 5 minutes ago or 5 years ago or 15 years ago. I go on trips with friends knowing that I will forget most of the experience. I need to go places with other people because I rely on them to remeber for me, so at least when they retell the story I can feel like I was there even though I don’t remember. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD which can include memory problems, but I think it’s more than that.

I can’t remember 95% of my childhood. I have a friend I grew up with since literally preschool, and he’ll bring up memories we supposedly share from as far back as 2nd grade all the way up into high school, and I don’t remember most of them. It may as well been another person with him, not me.

The parts of my childhood I do remember are weird. I remeber being abnormally terrified of my bathroom until I was 12ish. Terrified as in, if the door in the hallway was open at night then I couldn’t walk down the hallway. If it was open in the day run past it. I was also horribly terrified of my room for my entire childhood, literally until I moved out for college at 17. I had multiple reoccurring nightmares, I was terrified of my closet, and I had to have the door to my room open.

I’d sleep with my face to the wall because I was so terrified of the rest of the room; I’d often hear random noises behind me and become literally frozen in fear, heart beating like crazy and wanting to scream or run but literally unable to make myself move, just staring at the wall hoping I didn’t die. It felt like something was so close that it was breathing on my neck, I would just sense it. I’d fall asleep paralyzed with fear and then have nightmares.

What kind of 17 year old has panic attacks about the monsters in his closet? It’s weird. Yet, to this day in my own apartment I sleep with lights on, my bedroom door open, and I still get paranoid about sounds and feeling watched. Except now I don’t freeze, I jump up with a knife and investigate, haha.

I have a hazy memory of something weird happening with a female babysitter. Another hazy memory of showering with my dad after my mom demanding I do it. I don’t have the full memories, just snips where it feels like its approaching something not OK, then nothing.

I became so scared of my own room that I slept on the floor of my little sisters room for a year when I was 12. She’s 3 years younger than me. What kind of 12 year old boy is so scared of his own room he sleeps on the floor of his little sisters room for a year? I had on-and-off problems peeing the bed until I was 15. It’s all not normal.

My mom once said to me “What happened to you? You were such a happy little boy. You used to be fun.” She said I was a little extroverted giggly goofball through kindergarten, and then I randomly “shut everyone out” or something. That’s not normal, what kind of 1st grader goes from happy-go-lucky goofball to quiet shut-in within a few months? I don’t remember these young ages.

I went to places in my mind a lot as a kid. During the day, in classes, on the bus, on the playground. I would basically dream with my eyes open, I would be somewhere else entirely. I think I’ve learned this can be called disassociating but I don’t know for sure. Maybe also maladaptive daydreaming.

I always balk at the question “what is your first memory?” I can’t recall memories on demand, I need pictures or smells. Even with those, I have very few memories and they seem to come and go. How can people know their very first memory? It’s not possible for me.

I have weird sexual hangups. I have weird fetishes. I’ve never felt attraction for women, I do feel it for men and I consider myself gay, but recently I’ve started to wonder if I’m just asexual. I have so much anxiety around sex, I can’t just be in the moment, I get all up in my own head and then I can’t keep it up, or I get so in my head that make myself not horny any more. I can suddenly lose all sexual desire at the snap of a finger. Maybe thats related to disassociation, I don’t know.

Lastly, I’ve always felt stunted and broken. I feel like I didn’t mature correctly, that a significant part of me got stuck in childhood. I’m a cold, unemotional, closed off person yet I crave affection, praise, and touch. I sleep with one of two stuffed animals I have from my childhood, they relieve so much stress to hug them tightly to my chest or bury my face into them when I sleep, or when I’m feeling anxious. They greatly reduce my anxiety about noises or being feeling like I’m being watched or having nightmares. What kind of 28 year old man sleeps with childhood stuffed animals? It’s weird and I have to hide it from everyone. People come to my apartment and I hide them in drawers. I’ve gone on vacations with friends and I have to leave them at home because I don’t want them to know, but sleeping in hotels is when I need them the most. It’s awful, I get so anxious without them, and it’s so pathetic and weird.

OK I’ve been rambling. I’m not sure what the point of typing all this was. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. And thank you for having me here.
 
Hi Charlie,

It all seems pretty normal to me.

It is all a normal reaction to going through some trauma when little.

I remember very little of my childhood.
A cousin came to my wedding and I thought he was one of my wives relatives. Supposedly we played a lot together. There are pictures of us playing. I still have no memory of him existing.

My personality changed too. Became very withdrawn. In my own world.

I became a robot. No emotion. Cold.
Longed for affection and touch. Could stand to be shown affection or be touched.

Just played with my stuffed animals. They were safe.

I still sleep with my Teddie bear.
I hide him when we have guests.

I was terrified of everything. Bathtubs. Vacuums. Bees. The Man on the Moon. The world was not a safe place.

So you sound perfectly normal to me.
A normal reaction to abnormal things happening.

-Toad
 
Welcome Charlie,

Many of the things you describe are not all that unusual for victims of childhood trauma. I can relate to some of what you shared, but we all process trauma differently so please go easy on yourself. You've found a great place to receive understanding & support for what you are going thru. You're not alone! Best of luck to you & do take good care of yourself.
 
Hi all, thanks for the welcome. Sorry about posting to the wrong section, it started out as an introduction but then I kept rambling. It’s nice to hear others have some similar characteristics, makes me feel less strange.
 
Hello all.

I’m a late 20s guy and I go by Charlie. Please not Chuck, that’s my grandpa haha.

I’m new to this. I only look at these parts of the internet, the male survivor stuff, after a few drinks. Sorry in advance.

I have a very very bad memory. I can’t remember anything in my current day, can’t remeber what I was doing 5 minutes ago or 5 years ago or 15 years ago. I go on trips with friends knowing that I will forget most of the experience. I need to go places with other people because I rely on them to remeber for me, so at least when they retell the story I can feel like I was there even though I don’t remember. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD which can include memory problems, but I think it’s more than that.

I can’t remember 95% of my childhood. I have a friend I grew up with since literally preschool, and he’ll bring up memories we supposedly share from as far back as 2nd grade all the way up into high school, and I don’t remember most of them. It may as well been another person with him, not me.

The parts of my childhood I do remember are weird. I remeber being abnormally terrified of my bathroom until I was 12ish. Terrified as in, if the door in the hallway was open at night then I couldn’t walk down the hallway. If it was open in the day run past it. I was also horribly terrified of my room for my entire childhood, literally until I moved out for college at 17. I had multiple reoccurring nightmares, I was terrified of my closet, and I had to have the door to my room open.

I’d sleep with my face to the wall because I was so terrified of the rest of the room; I’d often hear random noises behind me and become literally frozen in fear, heart beating like crazy and wanting to scream or run but literally unable to make myself move, just staring at the wall hoping I didn’t die. It felt like something was so close that it was breathing on my neck, I would just sense it. I’d fall asleep paralyzed with fear and then have nightmares.

What kind of 17 year old has panic attacks about the monsters in his closet? It’s weird. Yet, to this day in my own apartment I sleep with lights on, my bedroom door open, and I still get paranoid about sounds and feeling watched. Except now I don’t freeze, I jump up with a knife and investigate, haha.

I have a hazy memory of something weird happening with a female babysitter. Another hazy memory of showering with my dad after my mom demanding I do it. I don’t have the full memories, just snips where it feels like its approaching something not OK, then nothing.

I became so scared of my own room that I slept on the floor of my little sisters room for a year when I was 12. She’s 3 years younger than me. What kind of 12 year old boy is so scared of his own room he sleeps on the floor of his little sisters room for a year? I had on-and-off problems peeing the bed until I was 15. It’s all not normal.

My mom once said to me “What happened to you? You were such a happy little boy. You used to be fun.” She said I was a little extroverted giggly goofball through kindergarten, and then I randomly “shut everyone out” or something. That’s not normal, what kind of 1st grader goes from happy-go-lucky goofball to quiet shut-in within a few months? I don’t remember these young ages.

I went to places in my mind a lot as a kid. During the day, in classes, on the bus, on the playground. I would basically dream with my eyes open, I would be somewhere else entirely. I think I’ve learned this can be called disassociating but I don’t know for sure. Maybe also maladaptive daydreaming.

I always balk at the question “what is your first memory?” I can’t recall memories on demand, I need pictures or smells. Even with those, I have very few memories and they seem to come and go. How can people know their very first memory? It’s not possible for me.

I have weird sexual hangups. I have weird fetishes. I’ve never felt attraction for women, I do feel it for men and I consider myself gay, but recently I’ve started to wonder if I’m just asexual. I have so much anxiety around sex, I can’t just be in the moment, I get all up in my own head and then I can’t keep it up, or I get so in my head that make myself not horny any more. I can suddenly lose all sexual desire at the snap of a finger. Maybe thats related to disassociation, I don’t know.

Lastly, I’ve always felt stunted and broken. I feel like I didn’t mature correctly, that a significant part of me got stuck in childhood. I’m a cold, unemotional, closed off person yet I crave affection, praise, and touch. I sleep with one of two stuffed animals I have from my childhood, they relieve so much stress to hug them tightly to my chest or bury my face into them when I sleep, or when I’m feeling anxious. They greatly reduce my anxiety about noises or being feeling like I’m being watched or having nightmares. What kind of 28 year old man sleeps with childhood stuffed animals? It’s weird and I have to hide it from everyone. People come to my apartment and I hide them in drawers. I’ve gone on vacations with friends and I have to leave them at home because I don’t want them to know, but sleeping in hotels is when I need them the most. It’s awful, I get so anxious without them, and it’s so pathetic and weird.

OK I’ve been rambling. I’m not sure what the point of typing all this was. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. And thank you for having me here.
Welcome Charlie.

Like the other guys have said, everything you describe is typical of unresolved childhood trauma. Our minds protect us from some things - often from memories - because they were so traumatic. That doesn't mean what happened was something out of a horror movie, because the depth of the trauma is going to be different for different people who experience the same thing. You clearly learned how to adapt and soothe the fear and anxiety over the years in different ways: avoidance, physical touch (even with stuffed animals), sleeping with someone else (even if it's a younger sibling - there is still more safety in that than in being alone).

Much of what you describe could certainly be the result of sexual trauma. The things you talk about in terms of sexual hangups, being asexual, anxiety around sex - almost every guys here has had to deal with those things too. As one of the guys here would say (@George), you have developed very normal responses to what were undoubtedly abnormal circumstances growing up (even if you cannot remember them).

"I’m a cold, unemotional, closed off person yet I crave affection, praise, and touch."

This could describe a lot of guys here. And it's no wonder. We closed ourselves off for self-protection when we were young. We had to - in order to survive what we went through. But at the same time, we want what every other person wants - affection, praise, touch, love. In my session today with my therapist we were talking about me at about 11 years old. I told her that I had a man teacher for 5th grade, and that I know I wanted his attention. But at the same time, there was a lot I did to avoid being noticed. The drive to be "seen" and noticed vs. the drive to be safe... the need for safety almost always wins for us.

We wish you well, much compassion and peace on your new journey :)
 
Welcome Charlie.

Like the other guys have said, everything you describe is typical of unresolved childhood trauma. Our minds protect us from some things - often from memories - because they were so traumatic. That doesn't mean what happened was something out of a horror movie, because the depth of the trauma is going to be different for different people who experience the same thing. You clearly learned how to adapt and soothe the fear and anxiety over the years in different ways: avoidance, physical touch (even with stuffed animals), sleeping with someone else (even if it's a younger sibling - there is still more safety in that than in being alone).

Much of what you describe could certainly be the result of sexual trauma. The things you talk about in terms of sexual hangups, being asexual, anxiety around sex - almost every guys here has had to deal with those things too. As one of the guys here would say (@George), you have developed very normal responses to what were undoubtedly abnormal circumstances growing up (even if you cannot remember them).

"I’m a cold, unemotional, closed off person yet I crave affection, praise, and touch."

This could describe a lot of guys here. And it's no wonder. We closed ourselves off for self-protection when we were young. We had to - in order to survive what we went through. But at the same time, we want what every other person wants - affection, praise, touch, love. In my session today with my therapist we were talking about me at about 11 years old. I told her that I had a man teacher for 5th grade, and that I know I wanted his attention. But at the same time, there was a lot I did to avoid being noticed. The drive to be "seen" and noticed vs. the drive to be safe... the need for safety almost always wins for us.

We wish you well, much compassion and peace on your new journey :)
I just want to say, I regularly login just to reread this reply because it makes me feel so much better about the way that I am. It doesn’t make me complacent or unable to be better… It just makes me feel like it’s OK that I am where I’m at. So thank you.
 
Reading this has been so insightful. Surely I've said before, I value your words for their expertise! Some victims do not obtain the level of education that is considered average. Understanding ourselves can be done without words. But reading and knowing this is really common for survivors. Significant to me.
 
@Charlie024 I was especially interested in your post where you share about your effects and challenges with your memories. I could see your words speak right to me, in that part of me.

I also would like to get further word about your vision state. That seems to be somewhere else but very real. I am so self conscious about this, so having other narratives about daydreaming and other things, interests me greatly, thank you.
 
Hi Charlie. I just want to join the chorus in saying that so many of the things you describe are common to others who suffered abuse as children. And it might make you feel somewhat better when I tell you I'm a 57 year old man who has Batman bedding, because it makes me feel safer! There are things we need, in order to cope with what we have been through. No one else has a right to judge that, it would be like judging someone for wearing a bandage over an open wound.
 
I just want to say, I regularly login just to reread this reply because it makes me feel so much better about the way that I am. It doesn’t make me complacent or unable to be better… It just makes me feel like it’s OK that I am where I’m at. So thank you.
Awesome. Yep. You are definitely okay where you're at, and the fact you are here and interacting with other guys speaks to the fact you definitely aren't complacent or indifferent about your healing. Kudos, and keep going forward (but keep in mind our healing is not a straight, inclining line of progress; there are times that line goes backward and can loop around and around before continuing forward and upward).

@.aseity - that goes for you too :)
 
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