Not normal
Charlie024
Registrant
Hello all.
I’m a late 20s guy and I go by Charlie. Please not Chuck, that’s my grandpa haha.
I’m new to this. I only look at these parts of the internet, the male survivor stuff, after a few drinks. Sorry in advance.
I have a very very bad memory. I can’t remember anything in my current day, can’t remeber what I was doing 5 minutes ago or 5 years ago or 15 years ago. I go on trips with friends knowing that I will forget most of the experience. I need to go places with other people because I rely on them to remeber for me, so at least when they retell the story I can feel like I was there even though I don’t remember. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD which can include memory problems, but I think it’s more than that.
I can’t remember 95% of my childhood. I have a friend I grew up with since literally preschool, and he’ll bring up memories we supposedly share from as far back as 2nd grade all the way up into high school, and I don’t remember most of them. It may as well been another person with him, not me.
The parts of my childhood I do remember are weird. I remeber being abnormally terrified of my bathroom until I was 12ish. Terrified as in, if the door in the hallway was open at night then I couldn’t walk down the hallway. If it was open in the day run past it. I was also horribly terrified of my room for my entire childhood, literally until I moved out for college at 17. I had multiple reoccurring nightmares, I was terrified of my closet, and I had to have the door to my room open.
I’d sleep with my face to the wall because I was so terrified of the rest of the room; I’d often hear random noises behind me and become literally frozen in fear, heart beating like crazy and wanting to scream or run but literally unable to make myself move, just staring at the wall hoping I didn’t die. It felt like something was so close that it was breathing on my neck, I would just sense it. I’d fall asleep paralyzed with fear and then have nightmares.
What kind of 17 year old has panic attacks about the monsters in his closet? It’s weird. Yet, to this day in my own apartment I sleep with lights on, my bedroom door open, and I still get paranoid about sounds and feeling watched. Except now I don’t freeze, I jump up with a knife and investigate, haha.
I have a hazy memory of something weird happening with a female babysitter. Another hazy memory of showering with my dad after my mom demanding I do it. I don’t have the full memories, just snips where it feels like its approaching something not OK, then nothing.
I became so scared of my own room that I slept on the floor of my little sisters room for a year when I was 12. She’s 3 years younger than me. What kind of 12 year old boy is so scared of his own room he sleeps on the floor of his little sisters room for a year? I had on-and-off problems peeing the bed until I was 15. It’s all not normal.
My mom once said to me “What happened to you? You were such a happy little boy. You used to be fun.” She said I was a little extroverted giggly goofball through kindergarten, and then I randomly “shut everyone out” or something. That’s not normal, what kind of 1st grader goes from happy-go-lucky goofball to quiet shut-in within a few months? I don’t remember these young ages.
I went to places in my mind a lot as a kid. During the day, in classes, on the bus, on the playground. I would basically dream with my eyes open, I would be somewhere else entirely. I think I’ve learned this can be called disassociating but I don’t know for sure. Maybe also maladaptive daydreaming.
I always balk at the question “what is your first memory?” I can’t recall memories on demand, I need pictures or smells. Even with those, I have very few memories and they seem to come and go. How can people know their very first memory? It’s not possible for me.
I have weird sexual hangups. I have weird fetishes. I’ve never felt attraction for women, I do feel it for men and I consider myself gay, but recently I’ve started to wonder if I’m just asexual. I have so much anxiety around sex, I can’t just be in the moment, I get all up in my own head and then I can’t keep it up, or I get so in my head that make myself not horny any more. I can suddenly lose all sexual desire at the snap of a finger. Maybe thats related to disassociation, I don’t know.
Lastly, I’ve always felt stunted and broken. I feel like I didn’t mature correctly, that a significant part of me got stuck in childhood. I’m a cold, unemotional, closed off person yet I crave affection, praise, and touch. I sleep with one of two stuffed animals I have from my childhood, they relieve so much stress to hug them tightly to my chest or bury my face into them when I sleep, or when I’m feeling anxious. They greatly reduce my anxiety about noises or being feeling like I’m being watched or having nightmares. What kind of 28 year old man sleeps with childhood stuffed animals? It’s weird and I have to hide it from everyone. People come to my apartment and I hide them in drawers. I’ve gone on vacations with friends and I have to leave them at home because I don’t want them to know, but sleeping in hotels is when I need them the most. It’s awful, I get so anxious without them, and it’s so pathetic and weird.
OK I’ve been rambling. I’m not sure what the point of typing all this was. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. And thank you for having me here.
I’m a late 20s guy and I go by Charlie. Please not Chuck, that’s my grandpa haha.
I’m new to this. I only look at these parts of the internet, the male survivor stuff, after a few drinks. Sorry in advance.
I have a very very bad memory. I can’t remember anything in my current day, can’t remeber what I was doing 5 minutes ago or 5 years ago or 15 years ago. I go on trips with friends knowing that I will forget most of the experience. I need to go places with other people because I rely on them to remeber for me, so at least when they retell the story I can feel like I was there even though I don’t remember. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD which can include memory problems, but I think it’s more than that.
I can’t remember 95% of my childhood. I have a friend I grew up with since literally preschool, and he’ll bring up memories we supposedly share from as far back as 2nd grade all the way up into high school, and I don’t remember most of them. It may as well been another person with him, not me.
The parts of my childhood I do remember are weird. I remeber being abnormally terrified of my bathroom until I was 12ish. Terrified as in, if the door in the hallway was open at night then I couldn’t walk down the hallway. If it was open in the day run past it. I was also horribly terrified of my room for my entire childhood, literally until I moved out for college at 17. I had multiple reoccurring nightmares, I was terrified of my closet, and I had to have the door to my room open.
I’d sleep with my face to the wall because I was so terrified of the rest of the room; I’d often hear random noises behind me and become literally frozen in fear, heart beating like crazy and wanting to scream or run but literally unable to make myself move, just staring at the wall hoping I didn’t die. It felt like something was so close that it was breathing on my neck, I would just sense it. I’d fall asleep paralyzed with fear and then have nightmares.
What kind of 17 year old has panic attacks about the monsters in his closet? It’s weird. Yet, to this day in my own apartment I sleep with lights on, my bedroom door open, and I still get paranoid about sounds and feeling watched. Except now I don’t freeze, I jump up with a knife and investigate, haha.
I have a hazy memory of something weird happening with a female babysitter. Another hazy memory of showering with my dad after my mom demanding I do it. I don’t have the full memories, just snips where it feels like its approaching something not OK, then nothing.
I became so scared of my own room that I slept on the floor of my little sisters room for a year when I was 12. She’s 3 years younger than me. What kind of 12 year old boy is so scared of his own room he sleeps on the floor of his little sisters room for a year? I had on-and-off problems peeing the bed until I was 15. It’s all not normal.
My mom once said to me “What happened to you? You were such a happy little boy. You used to be fun.” She said I was a little extroverted giggly goofball through kindergarten, and then I randomly “shut everyone out” or something. That’s not normal, what kind of 1st grader goes from happy-go-lucky goofball to quiet shut-in within a few months? I don’t remember these young ages.
I went to places in my mind a lot as a kid. During the day, in classes, on the bus, on the playground. I would basically dream with my eyes open, I would be somewhere else entirely. I think I’ve learned this can be called disassociating but I don’t know for sure. Maybe also maladaptive daydreaming.
I always balk at the question “what is your first memory?” I can’t recall memories on demand, I need pictures or smells. Even with those, I have very few memories and they seem to come and go. How can people know their very first memory? It’s not possible for me.
I have weird sexual hangups. I have weird fetishes. I’ve never felt attraction for women, I do feel it for men and I consider myself gay, but recently I’ve started to wonder if I’m just asexual. I have so much anxiety around sex, I can’t just be in the moment, I get all up in my own head and then I can’t keep it up, or I get so in my head that make myself not horny any more. I can suddenly lose all sexual desire at the snap of a finger. Maybe thats related to disassociation, I don’t know.
Lastly, I’ve always felt stunted and broken. I feel like I didn’t mature correctly, that a significant part of me got stuck in childhood. I’m a cold, unemotional, closed off person yet I crave affection, praise, and touch. I sleep with one of two stuffed animals I have from my childhood, they relieve so much stress to hug them tightly to my chest or bury my face into them when I sleep, or when I’m feeling anxious. They greatly reduce my anxiety about noises or being feeling like I’m being watched or having nightmares. What kind of 28 year old man sleeps with childhood stuffed animals? It’s weird and I have to hide it from everyone. People come to my apartment and I hide them in drawers. I’ve gone on vacations with friends and I have to leave them at home because I don’t want them to know, but sleeping in hotels is when I need them the most. It’s awful, I get so anxious without them, and it’s so pathetic and weird.
OK I’ve been rambling. I’m not sure what the point of typing all this was. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. And thank you for having me here.