Not my ID

Not my ID
B

bkeithb

Registrant
Hope all had a blessed Easter Weekend!

As I start this post, I want to again say how grateful I am for having found this discussion board and web site. In only a week I have begun to explore some feelings I haven't thought about for 20 or 30 years. I appreciate you men's insights who have been dealing with this for longer than I. Thank you!

Having said that, I am a bit concerned about going on this journey of discovery & recovery re: SA. Here's my concern. Put simply - I don't want being an "SA Survivor" to become my "identity." I don't want to think of myself primarily by this handle. Yes, I was sexually abused as a child/teen. Are there repurcussions from this? Oh yes! I'm learning more and more about this every day. But is this what has made me ... "me?" Is this horrible event "the" defining event in my life? I hope not!

So, I'm looking for some wisdom and insight here, friends. How does one begin this journey of discovery & recovery without letting it consume oneself ... without it becoming one's "identity?"
 
keith,
what i have come to understand is that i have embraced this as a badge of honor. not the abuse, good god, NO. but the fact of my survival and the continued refusal to break in the aftermath of the evil of these parasites. it took a while, but i finally embraced an image that had great meaning for me. the song, "eye of the tiger" by the group "survivor" came to help me revise the identity of being a survivor. i am not a label...i am a man who refuses to surrender. that is a survivor. what i have come to embrace is not the perception of being a survivor eeking out a recovery. what i have embraced is what each of has done and continue to do every moment of our recovery. we are champions, keith...that is what a survivor really is.

listen to the song, feel the power of its message...know that you are a champion, keith.
 
If I'd lost a leg in the war, my identity wouldn't be "an old soldier", but still, that wouldn't be a minor part of who I am either. If I'd survived being taken hostage by someone, my identity wouldn't be "former hostage", but if somebody looked at me wrong, I'd probably go the other way.

Being an abuse survivor isn't my identity, but I can't ignore what it's done to me. If I'd had a perfect childhood, that wouldn't be my identity either, but my life would be different. Who we are is made up of where we came from. We can't ignore that, though we often wish we could. And I don't go around telling people off the street, "Hi, I was raped by my uncle. How are you today?" But if I see someone in pain, I can feel for them in a way the average Joe might not be able to.

Abuse has changed me. I don't like what it's done to me, but I go with it. If I can log onto this site and be an abuse survivor for an hour or so and be able to help or support someone else by using my past, then I feel like I've used something horrible for a good purpose. There have been lots of defining events in my life. And I talk about those, too. Unfortunately, the scars of SA are so obvious and ugly, I can't ignore what was done to me, and if I ever want to live a "normal" life without reacting to current events with tools from my past, I have to adopt that injured child as a part of who I am. I lived 30 years denying that I knew the child. I think a few years of adopting him as me is only fair.

As to your last question, this abuse has been bottled up a long time. It may consume you for a while. But it does lighten up. It gets better. The more we talk about it and make it part of our pasts, the less it remains a part of the present. I know it's hard. Hang in there.
 
Keith,
If you're like me, this stuff was consuming and defining your life anyway. Just because for a long time I didn't think about being a survivor, doesn't mean it wasn't consuming my life. It was, but just in ways that I didn't immediately recognize.

Believe me, I can really relate to your desire not to get immersed in all this garbage all over again. If your experience is like mine, it will consume you for a while, but you will get to a point of acceptance. While it's not great to have to accept reality, at least once I came to accept things I could move forward productively. Take care.

Dan
 
keith,

Identity, or lack of identity, call it what you want.

Before you came here, you must have had so many unanswered questions, and this is the place you found the answers.

If you want to call it your identity, do so, but it signifies all the strength and vigour, that you used, as a child, just to get here.

The mental agony as a child after SA, is unthinkable, and nobody on the outside of it could imagine the strength you used to get through life.

To me today, it has helped me find my inner child, only because I can relate to how I was before the abuse, and how gentle and kind I was.

I use this in my relationships with people I meet, and I have great empathy, for people who have any suffering.

You are already on the path of recovery, I have been in agony in this place with what I have read of others' lives, but there are so many good men here, who have so much insight, is this not what ab**e gives you, the ability to think so deeply, and help others in pain.

take care,

ste
 
Friends, thanks for your replies ... it helped nuance what I'm feeling about wanting to begin dealing with this deeply buried issue of 20-30 yr ago ... but not wanting to be consumed by it or have being an "SA Survivor" become the defining identity of my life.

Theo - love Survivor and "Eye of the Tiger" (I'm a guitarist ;-). I'll listen to it fresh and feel like a champion!

ForeverFighting - you're right, while being SA survivor is not my identity, I cannot ignore it either. IT has changed me. And once I've dealt with it some, I would like to do as you and others do and help others along the journey. I'll "hang in there."

Dan 88 - You're right. I need to move from avoidance/hesitancy to dealing with the SA baggage, and onto accepting it all and then become productive. Good "lay of the land" my friend.

Reality2k4 - Yes, a place of answers! Thanks for the encouragement.
 
Bkeith,

I here ya. It ain't MY identity either, but I ain't hiding it either.

I survived. WE survived. I'm Goddamn proud of that. I'm proud of the little boy I was, and I'm proud of the steps (baby and sidestepping ones they may be at times... :D ) I've taken to get my life back.

I am what I am, and that's part of it. Anyone in the "real world" wants to pass judgment on what happened to me can kiss my trash!

Be proud of who you are. I sure am proud of you.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Thanks, Scot

I haven't even started to crawl yet along the journey of recovery. But I appreciate your encouragement.

I do feel proud that I've begun the journey. So much hurt, shame, guilt, stuffed emotions, etc. that need to come out. I guess the idea of my post is that, while I want to begin the process, I feel the possibility of being overwhelmed by it all ... consumed by it again. I hesitate to go down that road. But know I must.

Does that make any sense?
 
Keith,

The way I see it inside is that the SA happened to me a long time ago. I had no choice about it. The after effects are a part of my life, but they are not my total life, though sometimes it feels like it.

I have felt out of control throughout my life, but as I go through this painful journey, I have taken small steps to regain control of my life (stand up for myself etc...)

I have taken control of my medications and when my shrink want to up something, I say that I will think about it and consider it. I know what is best because I am living it, not him.

My primary wanted to up my blood pressure meds and I said I want to hold off for one month, because I wanted to try non-med way of controlling it. I started hiking again and my BP dropped 20 points of the top number and dropped 15 points on the lower number.

I will not let the perp. win in my life. I have been damaged so long in my early years that I will not allow myself to be damaged any further.

I have been off work since June because of the SA coming to the surface. I am going back to work (part-time) for awhile.

I have to get back into work, because if I fold like a deck of cards and give up and get to afraid to try then the Perp won again. I WILL NOT ALLOW THE PERP to screw up my work life and the rest of my life.

healing_inside formally Jim's_recovery
 
Healing_Inside,

Sure sounds like you are, indeed, healing inside. I like your take charge attitude! Victim no more, eh?

Good for you! :)
 
bkeithb- in having the thoughts you are having is a good sign that you are on the road of recovery. I can remember when I first started the journey of healing as an alcoholic I couldn't imagine saying I was an alcoholic everytime I spoke in a meeting but after while I got over that and got on with my healing. Some folks never do. I think you are one of those survivors that moves on with the healing. Too many people put labels on people these days and I think that is one of the fears we have. But, as some of the other guys have said...to hell with what others think as long as I know who I am and where I am going. Being able to dump this shit we have had bottled up for all of these years is a great release to the inner soul that needs the cleansing so we can get on with our lives. All the power to you my friend and peace on your journey. Xenoman
 
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