VN...
I am so happy that you have come here to ask this question. I think that I am very well suited to answer you and I will offer any guidance that I can, so please do not hesitate at all to ask or to PM me for additional support.
I have been, and still am, pretty much on the other side of the situation you are in. I have posted several times in this forum about my frustrations and confusion related to a survivor who I dearly love and who has totally confused me with lies to distance me away from him to the extent that I am so confused now and so unable to sort any facts out anymore which relate to him that I have become pretty much paralyzed now.. frozen to the spot not even knowing why I am here, why I was led here, and what he wants and needs from me so I have no idea how to act at all... I'm just frozen. So, I don't think anyone could give you better advice on how to very quickly take the wasteland which has developed between you and another person and turn it into a lush green pasture with lovely wildflowers and butterflies.
My advice is very simple but I also know that the doing part is probably very difficult. It always means confronting fear, which is always the demon in the way. I know all about that, believe me. However, it all depends on what you want and need and if you decide that you want and need it enough to make an investment and take a risk. If you want the relationship enough to invest in it and take a risk, here is what I would advise you to do:
***Tell the truth!***... Just that simple.
There are no guarantees that Larissa will accept you, but you can guaranty !00% that she will be totally outside of your life if you do nothing and let the confusion of lies and the "Wall of Silence" stand between you. If you want her totally outside of your life forever, then doing nothing will guaranty that. That's the only guaranty you will get, I'm afraid.. the only one any of us really gets when we talk about relationship because relationship always means two people instead of one and that ends up being shared controls to one degree or another... certainly in need of negotatiating who has what power and control in what category. But, if you take a huge hammer and just come down on the wall of silence between you with one huge blow of Truth, it will come down in an instant and then you two can stand and really see each other for the first time and then you will have Truth between you and you can now begin to build a new friendship and a new relationship and then maybe you will have a "strong healing partner" to share all the good things in life, the bad ones, as well, and also the process of recovery and healing.
Just contact her and use the simple and truthful words which are in your heart.. let your feelings and your intuition guide your tongue. You will know then in an instant without suffering confusion and doubts what you must say because it won't be built on strategies to protect you, but on truth and love so that you can share love and intimacy and happiness with someone who also wants that, and is what we all need in life if we are healthy and human. I have done this many times with the survivor who I love.
I have lost each time, that is true, at least he has the benefit of knowing my feelings about him and he could decide on whether or not he wanted me in his life based on facts rather than based on the erroneous assumptions which his fears produced. I lost, yes, but he also lost because I know that I could have made him happy and he could have made me happy, which is the purpose of relationship in the first place. But had I not told the truth, we both would have just gone on in a state of confusion and conflict about the relationship between us.
The result of my telling the truth is that he owns the truth and can do with it what he will. He can also protect his abusers by letting them convince him that I am only a liar. That way they get to hold him in Hell and prevent him from ever having Love and Intimacy and Happiness in a life with me. I do not own the truth about him or the relationship because I am totally in the dark about the three questions which I have never been able to answer: 1. How does he feel about me. 2. Where do I stand with him. 3. What are his intentions.
Even with all my truth telling, I still am no closer to the answers than I ever was. I don't even know why he led me to this forum. I don't know if I was led here to get help for myself as a SA victim (his charitable act to help me) but he has no interest at all in me; Or if he wanted to move forward in the relationship and wanted me to understand his feelings and his issues so I could decide if I could handle his wants and needs well enough to still want the relationship and then have the knowledge and the tools to be an excellent life partner for him; Or if he merely wanted me as a kind of detached "audience" because he knows that I love him and would support him and he needed to feel that support but with no obligation on his part to move on into relationship (kind of using me.. all for him and nothing for me); or if he was saying good-bye to me and just wanted me to understand why he could not ever meet me in real life.
So, because he has never told me the truth and I can't even begin to see it implied through the smoke and mirrors of no real communication, I still don't have a clue of why I am here, and can't read his mind, and what his needs are for me to be here, how he feels about me, where I stand with him, or what his intentions are. But, the ultimate confusion and conflict comes from the FACT that he pushes me away from him 100% of the time, yet he still pulls my strings covertly so that I don't walk away. Actually, I don't walk away because I love him with all my heart and soul and I have continued to believe in him and have faith in both of us that if I just stick long enough he will finally tell the truth to me and we can join our hands and share all of life, the good and the bad and reach out for all the wonderful gifts that life can bring to two people who have built their relationship on Truth and Love. That has been my dream and my hope and I have stuck because I have continued to be very staunchly determined to chase the butterflies of my dreams. But, my dream is to be with him and I guess CSA won't allow him to believe that anyone's happiness could be based on just sharing a life with him. He has been determined to find some selfish hidden agenda, some dark side of me which "really" wants his money or something else from him... What I really want is just him...Too truthful? Too simple to be believed? I only have the power to TELL the truth; I have no power to make him believe Truth when it's staring him in the face. At least being here I can understand why this has been so for so long. I was totally perplexed by this before; at least, now I understand. He is too high-quality at his core to be playing with human beings for the pure fun of it like the movie, "Clash of the Titans" where the gods on Mt. Olympus were moving people around on game boards; but I did feel that I was on a game board for a long time and it didn't fit with what I know he is at the core.."who he really is." So, I have been lost in a dark forest of lies and confusion. Being here has given me some logic to cling to but he still hides behind the shadows and I don't know which poster is him and what his story is and what his issues are as there are so many and they are all so diverse. However, I do have the advantage now of knowing the underlying facts and that does help me to sort much better. But why I am here, I really don't know... and then there are the three questions which are still no closer to having answers.....
So, if you think there is a huge mess between you and Larissa and you don't know where to start to clear it all away, there is no one better to advise you than I. I can tell you what it would take to clear this huge mess between "my survivor" and me and reunite us and maybe that will help you.
If, in fact, "my survivor" suffers from CSA and has brought me here to understand his feelings, it has still been under the shadow of lies and I have no idea who he is and what his feelings are, really, because he is anonymous. Nothing worthy can ever be established with lies. I've been expecting truth to finally emerge, but it seems not to be happening and I have become more than confused; now I have become discouraged. So, I can look at everyone's feelings and story and get a general idea, but it is not very personal and it is not any kind of action on his part to be truthful with me. Maybe he thinks he is being truthful, but it's because he is lying to himself. It's maybe a start on chipping away the lies and the fears, but it is still based on lies to protect him. He can protect himself and distrust me all the way to finally destroying even the last threads of connection between us. That's what lies and distrust cause. I am not a person to be distrusted and the message loud and clear to me that I cannot be trusted has really begun to wear me down. I have fought off the lies of my abusers to free myself; I am not going to start accepting the lie that I can't be trusted. Even my abusers never fed me that lie. No one in my life has ever not trusted me. It's not one of the lies I was ever fed before by any of my abusers. It does not sit well at all with me and I refuse to own it. It is his issue, not mine, and I refuse to own it. He is an adult man, not a child, and it is time for him to apply adult reason to such an important lifetime decision. He has to own this one himself. It's his decision, not the decision of his abusers, who I am sure are long dead. If he chooses to keep them alive and slay me instead, he is no longer the helpless child. He has the power now to attempt to destroy me because he wants to see me as a liar. I also have the power to just walk away.. That lie can never fit me and the facts support that. I won't own that lie. Protecting myself has to be my first concern. If he loved me and valued me, he would care about protecting me, too.. not destroying me. Recovery means taking control of the lies and embracing the Truth and it also means using adult reasoning to sort between enemies and allies.... and not killing friends with "friendly fire." I do expect that much from him and if he can't come through the fog enough to be able to apply his power of adult reasoning, then he is lost already... and had good reason to not want my partnership because I would never support his self-destruction.Time to sober up and have a reality check.
So, what message does that bring to me? It's like the allusive carrot always dangling close enough to keep me trying to chase it, but it's still so far out of reach that there is no way to have it no matter what I do. When I try to ask, the silence or the lies push me further away and I end up even more confused because his only action is to keep the carrot dangling. So, I am here but I still have the three questions unanswered and driving me even more crazy than usual because this time the carrot seemed to be coming closer to me and I thought that he wanted me to understand his feelings and his special wants and needs so that he could find out if I still love him and want to invest my life with him. As I indicated that I am still firmly here with nothing changed in my attitudes or feelings, and there was more information given in the posts, I made a kind of assumption that he was teaching me how to deal with his special wants and needs.
I thought he was sending me a covert message to contact him in real life because he was too shy or afraid to be the one to contact me, so I did contact him and was very careful to only speak about me and not try to tell any of his truths.. to keep the initial attempt to reconnect us as safe and supportive as possible for him.. I can only tell my truth and not his. I was trying to make it easy for him to gradually begin to tell his truths and put us back together. I tried to read his mind and do what I thought he wanted me to do. So much for reading minds! I got hurt as a result because he totally ignored me and then sent a message covertly to me in German telling me that he had made "one Selection one Chance." I had apologized to him and asked for a "second chance" to have the relationship with him.
The result was that he continued to tell me lies by ignoring me and then punishing me... but he is still floating around the perimeter of my life... never telling the truth and never going away. So, how do I interpret that since I can't read minds? I still have no answers to my three questions and I still don't know why I was led here to this MS place and I still don't know what he wants me to do next. I only know what I want and that he has made it clear that he does not want what I want. So what does he want and need? I have no more idea than I had four years ago. I cannot answer those questions. Only he knows his truths and he has been determined not to share them.
So, if I get discouraged to the point that I finally just walk away for lack of any other action that I can take to try to reconnect us, if that is not what he wants, he will blame me and hate me for the rest of his life and put me in the category of his abusers. But, I can't read his mind and he is not willing to tell me any kind of truth, so I have no answers and I have no facts to use to make any decisions about my life. I only know that I have invested over four years of my life based on lies and smoke and mirrors and there is a huge wall of silence which no matter what I have said or done has just gotten taller and thicker.
So, does that sound like an impossible situation? Does that sound like there is nothing left to do but just walk away in defeat? Does that sound more impossible than your situation? Does that sound like the lies have been so destructive that there is no way back to relationship and Love and Intimacy and Happiness? Well, someone without the courage of their convictions might say yes, but I would say no.
I made it easy for him to reconnect us in a safe way for him, if he wanted it, but he pushed me away, punished me, and then confused me instead. So, what would I do if he was just confused and scared and couldn't find the courage of his convictions because of CSA and he really did want me in his life? Well, my simple truth is that my love for him is pure and "unconditional" so that the power of Truth and Love on his part would be like a magic wand and he would just break the wall of silence down in a split second and all the crap of the lies would leave with it and just as fast and we would start anew with all the crap left in the past and everything restarting as fresh and new right out of the box...IF he ever finally told the Truth to me... probably to himself first, though. But this time there would be the powerful foundation of so much shared growth and knowledge and the energy of Truth and Love to guide us not back to the old relationship of two suffers of CSA and SA but now two people in recovery and on the path to healing, with a much greater respect and understanding of one another and a very good start on the friendship which can hold two people together for a lifetime and be such a strong force against the evil of their abusers from the past that those abusers would never be able to touch either of them again. And the solution to the seemingly-overwhelming problem is simply TELLING THE TRUTH!!
So, what would I advise you to do? Well, I am looking at my situation and asking myself what I would hope my survivor would do, so I guess that's the only real insight I can share with you to help to guide you. In his case, he had left an open-ended business offer for me which had never been decided by him so I used it to try to reconnect us. Now it is still open-ended and he would be free to use it and still be able to "save face" and have his ego protected (which I regard as very important as I always protect his ego from anything and anyone, including me) and tell his truths gradually instead of all at once. I have tried to make it easy for him, but he didn't take advantage.
In your case, you don't have the advantage of her having given you an open invitation to help you tell the truth and do it safely and gradually and with your ego being guaranteed protected so you can "save face." That means that you only have the choice of writing her or calling her and just telling the truth right from your heart. If she loves you and is worthy of you, she will make it easy for you and never hurt you or make you pay any prices, whether or not she knows about your CSA. It would not matter if she knows or not. Knowing answered a lot of questions for me, but it does not in any way change my feelings for my loved one nor does it change my decisions and desires to invest my precious life shared with him for the rest of my days.
It is said, " The Truth shall set you free." It took me a long time to really understand these powerful words, but I truly do understand and I truly do believe them. Also, there was a time when a lot of people were saying "Love Conquers All" and it was just a romantic notion that Hollywood used to create moneymaker films. But, I can tell you that I have learned how true this statement is and I have learned it by looking into my own heart for the last four plus years and learning the lessons from myself. I have become very informed about CSA and SA and while I don't know who he is among the posters here, or even if he is really here at all, I do know stories and feelings and wants and needs and fears attached to the horror of CSA. I also know those attached to my own SA so I can also empathize deeply. Nothing that I have read as truth in here has discouraged me at all. Why? Well, I have to come back to the two wise statements about Truth and Love. I believe in them both and I believe in him and I believe in me. He has lied to me for a long time and punished me when I got too close, but it's far too late for him to ever erase from my brain or my heart or my soul or my spirit "who he is" and I fell in love with him because of "who he is" and CSA has not changed him and all the lies have not changed him and none of this has changed my feelings or my convictions. I can tell you that even with all this mess between us, because of "who I am," it doesn't matter in the light of Truth and Love and if he just opened his mind and his heart and his mouth and broke the silence with even the simple Truth of saying "Hi, wanna be friends again?" all of this would just vanish and life would start anew.. based on Truth and Love.
But I will warn you of one thing: If you have the courage of your convictions and you write to her or call her and simply start by saying the truth of how you feel about her and what you want and need and she feels the same and wants the same, you must keep the integrity of the precious relationship by never, ever lying again. I am certain that she will want the same three questions answered that I need answered, so if you tell her how you feel about her, where she stands with you, and what your intentions are, that will be the truth to start with, but then you must commit to it and not waffle and let lies creep in to hide behind. There is no truth ever so terrible that two best friends who respect and love each other can't deal with together. But lying drives wedges between people and the "Wall of Silence" could always be built again. If you ever do that, you, not she, will destine your relationship to failure. Truth and Love are the only two rules that must be the commitment as two people negotiate a new relationship.
When it becomes necessary to read minds everything goes straight to Hell because reading minds is totally impossible and only leads to complete misunderstandings and then when decisions are made based on erroneous assumptions and misunderstandings, everything falls apart and then two people who really do love each other and want to be together and share Love and Intimacy and Happiness end up suffering unrequited love instead and remain on this Earth only miles apart in geography but lightyears apart in being able to hold each other.. . which is what they both truly want and need.
My suggestion for you:
Either by writing or calling: "Hi, Larissa, it's me VN. I have never stopped thinking and caring about you and how much I value you and how much I wish we had never separated. I am so sorry that things happened between us to cause us to part. I most sincerely want to know if we can become friends again, as a start. I miss you very much and I want us to come back together and try to start all over again. How do you feel about this?"
If she says "no." Then you say: "I am terribly sorry that we both were hurt in the situation and I will respect your feelings, but if you think about what I have said and change your mind, please know that I still want and need you in my life. Maybe you would like to think about it without the pressure of me waiting for your answer. Maybe you will want to sit down and talk more with me and we can resolve some of the old issues which are still bothering both of us and then you will have a different concept about me and what could be a much better relationship. I will respect your feeings and I will keep my heart open to you should you wish to change your mind and talk to me further about this. I have always loved you and I still love you. I want you to know that no matter what you choose to do. I am still sorry for what contributions I made to our separation in the past and I still believe that in the time which has passed I have learned and grown and that I can do a better job on my end. Maybe we can give each other a second chance for a good and fulfilling relationship."
If she says "yes": Then you make a commitment to keep the communications going and continue telling the Truth. If she is a good person, she will make it easy for you and not punish you for any pain you have caused her in the past. She will not humiliate you in any way. She will try to make it easy for you and for both of you and make the path smooth and show her full understanding, sympathy, compassion, empathy, and support. She will also tell you of her Truth and Love and the old friendship will become a new friendship, better than even before because of maturity and experience.. and now Truth and Love. You will both support each other now in continuing words back and forth with commitment and actions to back up those words.
But, what you must do then is keep the communications up, show her your respect and trust here by making the commitment to keep communicating and keep telling the truth. You don't need to blurt out all of your truths at once, unless you need to have a catharsis, which maybe you do need. In that case, she should be loving and supportive of you and protect your ego. You must decide first if you will let fear or love rule you. If you decide to let love rule you, you must make a commitment to the continued truth between you and you must make a commitment to trusting her and not send her the confusing mixed signals that one minute you trust her and the next you are pushing her away because you don't. That will rebuild the "wall of silence" and you will erode the foundation of the relationship.
I can guarantee you that there is no truth told under the conditions of love that will damage the relationship. But do apply love to your truths. I would want my loved one to tell me the truth but to apply love to those truths. I would not need to hear a truth from him that I am old and fat and ugly. That might be the truth as he sees it, and it might be the truth objectively, but that would not be a truth applied with love. Truth can hurt others if it is not applied with love, so you need to use the "Golden Rule" when you tell the truth, but that takes character and principles and intelligence, which you seem to have in ample amounts so I have confidence that you will do the right things.
Well, this has become an "Opus" which is never what I intend, but there is always so much to say, so I must say it.. my own Truth and Love...
Best wishes.. I hope this helps. If I can contribute more, I am happy to help in all ways possible. I'm sure that others here will also contribute ideas and suggestions. I can only paint the picture of my own context and then make my suggestions within it so that you can take all the extenuating circumstances into consideration as I am very biased in my views here.
For more understanding of my personal context which biases my advice and suggestions, you may want to read my post in this thread: https://malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=2;t=001077
I wish you the courage of your convictions and the courage to trust--yourself and this woman who surely must love you because you are lovable. Love can always be trusted and so can Truth. They are both prime.
Judi (((hugs)))
