Not Happy

Not Happy
B

buddah

Registrant
Ok so I was in church tonight and I had a flashback. I didnt like it so I told my roomie and we left. I cant stand this. I am comparing myself to everyone. I am fat old and not working. I cant stand this. Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else think about what others look like naked and wants to compare how they look to yourself. Does anyone else think they are going to be alone for the rest of their life. I have nothing positive going in my life right now. I am fat and poor and no college education. This sucks. Why do most people look like they have it all together. I dont like one thing of my body. I used to be gay and got conseling for what my dad did so thru that I have become attracted to women but the guy thing is still there. I know some of you may think this bad but I am a Christian and the bible says its wrong so I must follow it. Does anyone else in ehre feel this way. Is there anyone from this board in seattle. I feel so alone on this. My roomie is great but he doesnt know how to react or respond I eman think about it he has a perfect life really. His family is great his body is great and he is great. I just feel so much like a loser. Please if there is any other guy in here in seattle message me I need someone who KNOWS what it is like.
 
hey buddah,

I know how you feel when it seems like no matter what part of your life you look at, its wrong and worse than everybody else's. I know that I have been feeling better about my life recently, and its not like anything really external has chaned that much, but my feelings about myself have changed, so everything seems a little better. When you are in that really bad space, you would still feel bad even if you were thin and tan and on a beach in Hawaii. Try to get hang in there, and ride this out. See if there is some small doable step that you can take to make your quality of life a little better. You already did one thing and that was to reach out here. I'm here for you, and hope that you feel beeter soon.

take care,

Jim
 
Buddah,

it is a hard thing to be bi-sexual or gay and a Christian. i have struggled with it for years. i know many rationalize and justify thier way around the Bible saying it was writting by men and isnt God's word. they argu that it is translated wrong, and so on. i have never been able to buy into that school, so it makes living with my same-sex atractions hard. fortunately, i am bi-sexual, so that allows me to marry and live a better life than if i was gay. all i can do is hold to my faith, and do the things that seem right to me.

outside of faith issues, because those are very sensitive, i know what it is to be alone and lonely. unfortunately, like most things with this stuff, there is no quick solution. you have to do the work to meet and find someone special. i think it is harder for us than most because we have to be careful that it isnt our abuse driving us into an unhealthy relationship.

i guess, i've never really compared myself to others too much, except feeling self-conscience, even panicy in places where other's see me nude. the gym and places where i need to shower is very stressing. i feel ugly and under equipped if you know what i mean. even my wife saying otherwise over and over does little to change my view of myself. i guess i dont have a lot of answers for you, just an understanding and kinship. take care, and be compassionate to yourself. you deserve it.

Phos
 
Buddah:

When I was 16 the only thing that was truly mine was my body and I was in really terrific shape. I trhink that is what may have attracted my perps to me. I had what they could or did not have. When I was a street hustler my body demaned a high price for the kinky shit that I craved ( depraved, murderous and dangerous, perverted are all good adjectives).

From the time I was 21 until I was 62 I hid that body; alternating from being too fat or too skinny. I was always terrified of having my body back. I feared what might happen. Well I tell you what. I determined that I did want it back. I changed how and what I eat. I mountainbike, snowboard, work out and skate. At 63 I have a decent facimilie of that 18 year old body back.

Now as to religion. I am a lapsed Catholic but I do believe that Christ did preach love and tolerance for you fellow human being. Basically that was it. Now religion is given to us by human beings who bring their own prejudices and fears to their teaching and some of them are totally screwed up and are far removed from what Christ felt. So Buddah if you are a christian in your heart and try to live by HIS teachings you are a true Christian in my eyes.

I dont really know what I am. I catered to men all the time as a hustler and in acting out but I have been married for 36 years and love my wife. That is enough for me.

Hope this helps some
 
Buddah,

I will not try to argue the religious angle with you, vis a vie your attempts to go through Emerge. But I will make an observation which may be a sensitive one. COnsidering all that's been going on in other threads on other forums here, I am taking a chance. I thik too much of you to not share this and ease your mind.

I was raised Catholic, still consider myself one, in fact, but I have become more Universalist in temprament and belief. I am a Christian since I accepted Christ as an adult and try like heck to live to His example. I think well of myself even when I fall short (consider me something of a foul-mouthed, short-tempered Witness with a good heart but salty values). It's hard, but I want to love myself for who I am, warts and all.

I know all the arguments listed in the Bible that condemn homosexuality. I also believe that, with the passage of time, values preached and sins condemned change with the passage of time. You don't believe it's right to kill a disobedient child or someone who works on the Sabbath, do you? Anyway, your beliefs are your beliefs, and I won't argue their validity.

However, when they become destructive and negative to your mind, that's when I've got to question it, boyo. You are so much more than your sins. God understands that and loves you for who you are, yet you feel unworthy and miserable because what you do is wrong according to the Bible. He doesn't have to punish you. You're doing a fine job yourself!

But God, I feel, doesn't want you to do this. He loves you, Buddah. He doesn't care how much you weigh, how old you are, whether you're working or not, or anything so trivial. He made you to be a good man, a righteous man, and you are. You make Him proud everyday, and how it must grieve Him to see you so miserable over a small portion of His Word. Particularly when He disavowed it Himself. Remember what He said: "Verily, I give unto you a new Commandment; love one another as I have loved you. Forgive each other as I have forgiven you."

He isn't about condemnation, Buddah. He's about love and forgiveness. I question my attraction to men everyday, and I wonder if it's right when you consider what I have been through. But He loves me and I strive everyday to live for His will.

Brother, He loves you, as do I and everyone else here. I want you today to feel that. Nothing else.

It's not right for you to hate yourself for what you are. You are to be celebrated. I thank God for you and everyone who I meet and consider a friend. You are His miracle.

I hope that this gives you some peace, Buddah. I hope I didn't insult or belittle your beliefs, because that's not what I want to do.

Peace, love, and Grace,

Scot
 
Thank you for all your replies. Its kinda fustraiting that no one is here in Seattle. I have always been alone in this and have always been the first it seems, to bring some of this stuff to light in my community. I am kinda nervous to see what happens to my image of myself when I lose my weight. I will defintiely post before and after pics especially when I get my six pack! =)
 
Now that is the spirit buddah. And I know you are a true Christian.
 
"I am fat old and not working. I cant stand this. Does anyone else feel this way?"

---Yeah, me. Not so fat maybe, but not nearly as fit and trim as I used to be--and not as young for sure!!.

Also, I used to have a good job and make good money, but my brain broke down 11 years ago, and I don't know if I can EVER hold down a full time job again, for the rest of my life. I'm 48, my son is 21, and he is now looking at very good money in the computer field. Me? I live on Social Security. It feeds me, but what self respect I once had resided largely on my work history, and now I am handicapped in that way. Ouch.

>

---Ow, ow, ow! Yes, I feel that way. I also feel like I need romantic love to help me heal at this point, but the cupboard is bare. No it is not a cure all, but it is a cure some if it is the right person.

>

---If this is a stupid or insensitive reply I'm sorry, but I feel a similar thing here, though I'm not gay. I want physical and emotional intimacy from a woman, to be rocked and nuzzled and loved, they go together natueally for people, but the Bible says sex outside of marriage is wrong. And so despite offers and opportunities, I decline. This must sound so old fashioned, but it is my belief. So Bible morals have me limited too. "Water water everywhere, and not a drop to drink". My illness scares women who know very much, and are looking for more than a one night stand. So I am both alone and lonely.

"I just feel so much like a loser..I need someone who KNOWS what it is like".

---My post may not have helped you, but you spoke the words that are in my very heart. I feel understood.

I am sorry for both of us, and that is not a joking statement. And I hope what they say is true: Just because it FEELS that way, does not mean it will be that way". I mean about being alone the rest of my life, and being a loser.

This was hard to admit to, but here it is.

Sincerely to you,

Tb
 
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