Not for me

[Michael1965]

As i try to move ahead with my life, i find more reasons that I can't. I keep looking for validation that I am not as bad and messed up as I think, but I seem to only to find confirmation that I am what I already know myself to be.

I chat and read posts and the scholarly articles about my feelings and actions only to find they are tied to some screwed up diagnosis. There is never anything that says i am ok. I am just one pathetic diagnosis after another. No hope....only condemnation. I don't know what healing is, i don't know what hope is. I do know what being alone and having to be alone is. The diagnosis all tell me how i don't have a clue what i am really supposed to feel versus what i do feel. Everything is tied to some sick or twisted thought or acting out. I don't truly do anything because it makes me feel safe or a simple pleasure. I do it because i am sick! And that when I the shame and guilt are his and not mine, I will be able to just move forward, put my past behind and just be happy.

I am supposed to crave human companionship, wanting to be loved and want to give love in return. I am not supposed to hate myself for what he did to me. I am not to have enjoyed some of the things I have done because they were inappropriate substitutes. It is wrong that I want to be left alone, that I don't want to be touched.

I am supposed to believe that my wife loves me for me. How can she do that when I don't even know who I am. She will be understanding and forgiving. I am supposed to believe that she doesn't cringe in disgust in a secret spot of her mind when she tries to imagine what I did with him. That she finds happiness and safety with me. How could she find those things by being with me when I don't feel those in my life. You cant give what you dont have.

I am supposed to try and convince my wife that the reason I can't have sex with her is not because of her, but because of things that I can't tell her about. I am supposed to believe that this puts her fears and insecurities to rest. Or better yet, try couples therapy so I can set there and have someone tell me why my wife feels what she feels but that it's not my fault. If I just open up and let the shit out, it will all be fine.

I believe that she needs to leave and go find a man that can truly make her happy. She deserves a man who can meet her needs both physically and emotionally. She doesn't deserve the shell of man that hides sadness, hate and evil.

Everything about me is wrong. I don't believe or understand why i would be lovable. People say because I exist that I deserve to be loved and understood. I am supposed to want someone to care for me. I cannot understand that at all.

Someone asked me why if i don't want healing, why am I here on MS.

I think that is a very valid question. It is not that I don't want to heal. It's just that because of everything it require of me and the harm and hurt it would cause those that I care about, I simply cannot do it for me. It is too high of a price to ask them to pay. I have cost them so much already.

I don't know why I shared this here other than to thank all of you who have been so kind to me. I just don't know if I can keep going or not with this. It is too painful and I am so scared that I will go through all of this and still be the same person in the same place, hating the fact that I exist.

 

[bluesky]

I believe that she needs to leave and go find a man that can truly make her happy. She deserves a man who can meet her needs both physically and emotionally. She doesn't deserve the shell of man that hides sadness, hate and evil.

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. I have had similar feelings about my relationship with my wife thinking that how can she love and care about me, she does not deserve some so messed up so unable to live life in a normal way. But I think that she saw something in me that I could not at the time. I was in pain, hurt and just fucked up. Now after months of her care and me allowing her in things have gotten better not cured but manageable. I think I am seeing what she sees in me the me that i am reclaiming and reviving the true me. I wish you much compassion, love and healing stay strong keep you head up and try to let the love of another warm and revive you. You deserve her love you deserve our love take care.
Bluesky

 

[Nothing Man]

Hello my friend. I am really sorry to see you in the amount of pain you are in. You definitely do not deserve it. The effects of CSA often are with us for life and it can be difficult to overcome them. We survivors are plagued often with so much baggage: distrust, fear of intimacy, feeling the need to recreate the abuse, guilt over how we felt about the abuse at the time it happened, guilt because we think we are to blame for it, an inability to relate to others. The list goes on and on.

I too am worried, often, that my wife does not really love me and that I do not deserve her. The fact is that I often cannot trust my own judgment as I tend to be very hard on myself. She constantly reassures me that she loves me and will stay with me, but I remain insecure.

The fact is, given what you have been through, I think your reactions are perfectly normal. As I said earlier, the effects of CSA tend to stay with us for a very long time. We cannot be responsible for our past, and what others chose to inflict on us. What we can do is work on our future by choosing to try to heal rather than surrendering when the path appears to be too daunting to follow.

I know you are suffering and I feel terrible for you. I hope that with the help of a good therapist you can come to terms with who and what you are and how you will progress. Understanding ourselves appears to be the key to moving forward, and I wish you much luck on that journey.

Mike