Not feeling strong

[ak]

I am writing this because I promise to try, I think. I promise try to talk with other people and not feel I am bother to them, even though it does feel that, even to write something here where no one have to read it if they do not want to. I am scared for my friend, worried of him, and can not talk with him right now, and he is only person here really to talk with of anything. I have therapy again tomorrow,and been scared again to go since yesterday. I am trying to not do hurt to myself, but it seem there is no reason not to. I try to remember to myself, to say to myself things that friends from here say to try to not do that, and I can not hear the words in my head. It is too hard to try to explain what I feel, because I do not know it at all myself, and because it is hard to put it in words also. I feel stupid, even here, or more here, because everything I read here, I have to read it three or four times to understand it, and do not feel I can know what to say to reply to someone. Thinking I want to give up things and just go home, pretend nothing bad ever happen like my family want to do. Do not want to be alone, so maybe I should just do what they want. Feeling tired but not enough tired to feel safe.

Andrei

 

[theo]

andrei,
i understand that feeling. when i had the last three or four major recall events of the last several months each one put me on that edge of no return. somehow, i did not tip over, i survived the memory recall and continued on. i know the helplessness and hopelessness these memories bring. in the worst of the recall and the flashbacks, i could see or hear nothing but the pain and the images of the memory. how i came out of it i will never know, but i did. the voices you hear so loudly are the ones from the past and have no power but what you give them. i know, andrei, i know. it is impossible to tune them out. try to ground yourself in a safe manner to reassure yourself that the present moment is safe and does not have the voices of the past really there. you might be able to ground yourself enough to where you can hear the present moment, instead of the voices of the past. reassure yourself that you are here, not there in the past. it is so very difficult, i know, but you can do it. i am here. pm me if you need to.

 

[The Dean]

Andrei, if I were to read things on this board that were written in your native language, I could read them a 1000 times and understand nothing.

You do understand more than you give yourself credit for. And you write very good clear expressions of what is going on with you at the time.

You are far from stupid friend--you are a bright young man.
When it comes to dealing with what happened to us it gets very bad and hurtful at first. But, if we work at it, and believe in ourselves, we get to a point where we can see that we have changed for the better.

Peace to you Andrei.

Bob

 

[TeeJayUU]

Andrei,

I think we have all felt stupid during our struggles. Know that we are all supporting you in spirit. Keep taking one step at a time. I do KNOW that therapy and talking is a scary event, but it helps!

Hang in there new friend!

TeeJay

 

[outis]

Andrei,

You are not stupid. When I first started to learn about this stuff, I read things, over and over. Sometimes I read one sentence many times and still could not understand. Even today that happens to me sometimes.

You are stronger than you know. You have done much and you will gain from it. It is hard work, but nothing good comes to us easily.

There is no rule that you must reply. It is up to you. None of us can reply to everyone. None of us have the answers for everyone. I do not even have the answers for myself.

You are very welcome here. Read what you want. Write when you want. You can choose if you will read, if you will write, what you will say. Please take care of yourself first.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[Bill_1965]

Andrei,

I read some posts three and four times, most twice, to understand what they are saying and these are in my native language (and the only one I know) and still don't always get it right. A lot of the posts I have no idea what to say, no idea what to do. I feel for them, but I am at a loss of what to say or do. It doesn't mean I'm stupid or don't care. Nor does it mean that for you.

Writing it out, whether for people to read or just to write, is a way of getting it out of you. Learning to release these feelings and thoughts. Keep it up.

Therapy isn't easy, therapy isn't fun. It's hard work and takes a lot out of you. But the results can more than make up for it, even though it takes awhile to see and may be gradual as you don't see it unless you look back to where you were at. Thinking about an upcoming appointment can make you very anxious, very irratable. Stick through it, it will pass. As you gain more strength and the pain begins to lessen. You'll get there.

Don't re-bottle your feelings. Don't sell yourself to be what other people want you to be or do. Be true to yourself. Do what you need to do to get to where you want to be.

Take care, my thoughts are with you.
Bill

 

[RICK57]

Andrei - you sound frightened and concerned at the moment. Please remember that everyone here values your contributions and opinions - we want to hear what you have to say. We do care about you.

If it helps, not everyone else that you see may be as confident as you think.

I somehow got to be a Supervisor in an electrical company, maybe because work was my outlet. Outwardly I can appear very confident ...when I recently broke down, my friends could not believe what I had been dealing with 'alone'. I wore a mask of confidence for years!

You are also dealing with similar issues - I think that makes you a very strong person, even if you feel weak.

Look in the mirror and say 'I am Andrei - I am a good and strong person. I value myself because I deserve to be valued' Please repeat this until you believe it. *Anyone else reading this that has self doubt - please do the same.

Try not to pretend it never happened - it is that pretence that causes so many of us problems.

Best wishes...Rik