Wow, Dude you have had a rough journey, one I can sympathize in a very small fraction with, however without the physical scars. In reading your posted message you mentioned the sex saunas and finding them most apropos because it was dark, and therefore no one could see you. In my early 20's I found myself out in the world free to do as I please. I was working 6 days a week about 16 hours a day with another part time job on the weekends. (This was something I began since I was 15, but I worked less hours due to schooling.) Working was a way I found to avoid anything about my true sexual identity. Although I buried myself in work I still found time to stop by the dark and secluded Adult book stores and engage in sexual activity. Each time I left I felt dirty and non-worthy of anything!
The book stores allowed me to experience sex in a very dark, dismal atmosphere. This only aided with the sense of feeling dirty and I loathed myself. When I had my first encounter I remember getting in my car afterwards then breaking down and sobbing. I started my car and luckily it was very late at night for I drove like a maniac anticipating suicide. I wanted this all over with. Needless to say I didn't crash and was safe for the evening. As I grew older I found that if I did allow myself to engage in any sexual activity it had to be in a very dark dingy place. I met older men who asked me back to their homes or elsewhere. I picked up hitch hikers, although never thought of anything sexual. This was not a smart move.
After the countless years of abuse as a child I found myself in a very bad situation. Oblivious to the negative I picked up a hitch hiker and found a knife at my throat shortly after driving away. I was instructed to drive into a very desolate place and perform sexual acts that were bad. For some reason I remember thinking to myself, "You deserve this!" I was scared but most of all I felt weak and so very dirty. What made me even freak out more afterwards was the fact that I thought I was physically turned on because of the obvious. I thought I was a degenerate and again I wished for death, but on my terms. By the grace of god I escaped without harm that evening. Ironically I ended up arriving home way past my curfew and my pop gave me a whopping. Oddly enough I felt I deserved it. Naturally I couldn't divulge what had transpired therefore my father took it as deliberate act on my part.
Getting back to the issue of dating older men. I found I would only date men much older than I was. My twisted way of thinking was that they were mature and not into playing games. I also thought they would not use our encounters against me, whereas I felt a younger man would use the fact to black mail me. It may sound silly but I lived in constant fear. All I knew was if it were ever to come out my life was over! During this time I had a priest (who was a friend of my uncle who was also a priest) fondle me right in the kitchen area as my mother cooked and chatted with my uncle. For years I doubted myself, thinking I had been delusional, only imaging that he did this/ Again I felt that I had to do something to warrant such acts. I also had the head of the guidance counselor's office make suggestive comments whenever he brought me in, which became frequent towards the end of the school year. I think he was feeling me out and wanted me to say I was gay then he would have made his move. He let me know he was married; indirectly he let me know he was willing to have fun. At the time I questioned myself and again felt dirty for ever having these thoughts cross my mind. At this time I was only barely 17 and very naive. I never thought about telling my parents for I would be mortified if this became public. I also had been instructed for years as a child never to divulge such secrets. I was told if I did I would be severely punished for it and no one would ever believe me. This came to be true when I did finally break down and tell my parents. My pop totally ignored me, in fact he looked at me with such disgust and disdain. As for the perpetrator, my father didnt believe it and treated this family member kindly. This blew me away!
Back to my early 20's, I engaged in this type of sexual activity for a few years. One day I realized it wasn't a positive thing for me to be doing, and therefore I stopped. I went into a severe depression, but hid it well working more hours for 7 days a week. (The positive note was that I made money and was able to save for my own home and restaurant.) I had nightmares of all the years I was sexually abused, as well as the hitch hiker incident. I also began to be hit on by a few guys. This freaked me out. What did they know? Do I appear gay? Am I not a man (or manly enough,) so many issues boggled the mind. I sought counseling through my church and it was helpful to a degree. I couldn't be as open and honest as I could have been and therefore the help was limited.
Today I still have huge fears about sex. I just ignore any impulses of any kind for I believe it would ultimately reveal my sexual identity.
Having read and written thoughts here in this safe zone I have found I must learn to accept myself for whoever I am. I think I must work on the emotional abuse I underwent all those years toppled with my pops constantly calling me a faggot. My father knew it bothered me so he said it more and more whenever I "got out of hand" and mouthed off. I think he thought he was toughening me up and preparing me for the future. In the last few years of my pops life we became closer than we ever had been (we hadn't spoken in years, which is another story in itself) and I think he realized my strengths and the person I was. He nagged me on marriage and how I should be setting up roots with a family of my own. I always recall a conversation we had after I confessed the years of molestation He made it emphatically clear that he could never accept any of his sons being gay. Should a child come to him and suggest they were gay he would disown them, and he was adamant on the subject. If the road ahead should lead to the fact I am gay I believe I would loose most family members, but I must live life for whom I am...now just to believe this! Having said this I also know I have a brother and sister-in-law I can count on!
Dude, I can sympathize with you regarding scars in that I developed a severe disorder 15 years ago after a work related accident. The disorder manifested into a big problem affecting my arm/hand and legs. My right arm became severely deformed and swollen. Whenever I cooked up enough nerves I went out with my parents for dinner or just a ride in the car. People would catch a look at me and gasp with horror. I was refused a seating at a restaurant for they thought I had something contagious. I had several doctors almost force me into a amputation of the arm/hand. Thankfully I have a wonderful doctor who advised against the amputation, knowing it had the tendency to make the condition worse. I now am getting treatments on a daily basis that help significantly, and in conjunction with medication I have seen great progress. People still stare, so I have the hand and arm wrapped so it is not visible to the eye, except for the size. I am extremely optimistic that the future ahead will be much brighter. I only hope I can overcome my fears once I am healed physically. Perhaps I can move on emotionally and psychologically as well.
Sorry to have delved into so much here. I start writing and it is as if I can't stop. It is therapeutic to write one's inner most feelings and thoughts.
I thank everyone who has responded to my comments ad wish you all well. Dude, you hang in there for there are brighter days ahead. As you know you must take "baby steps" at first, however it is far better than taking two steps back!
I hope my thoughts shed some light on your life and how similar our lives run parallel to one another. Take care and continue to express all your feelings here where it is ultimately safe!
Warmest Wishes, Ed
