Not dealing with it (again)

[Bardo]

Hi guys,
This site has been a great help me so far, in the few weeks that I have been here. I am in the early stages of understanding the impact of the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my older brother (described in other posts), and I have been in touch with a great therapist who is willing to help me get myself situated on the path to healing. Because I am not willing to tell my wife about my abuse yet, he and I agreed that we could talk on the phone during a business trip that I am taking, in order to get started. Well here I am on the trip, and I even have a couple of days open due to a gap in our schedule, and I have not contacted him. I find that I am very reluctant to do so. I tell myself that I am doing fine, and that this will just open a can of worms. I say I don't really need his help because I am happy and productive. I say I can't afford the therapy and am not willing to claim it on insurance because I don't want to disclose. And in the meantime I am cruising the web, thinking about sex constantly, even picking out possible partners...its madness. I know I am doing this to divert my attention from the problem. I don't want to break my marriage vows of 25 years, and may be losing a great chance to move ahead. I could use some help taking this step.

 

[wiresguy1]

Friend, I came across this by accident but I am compelled to respond since another MS is helping me through a tough time right now....
Without boring you with my story, I am a 57yo married, children,grandchildren... wonderful family, former career(now retired) and went through my entire life ignoring 17 yrs of sexual abuse from many men.

I acted out over the years through anger, hookups, high anxiety, over achieving, all of which came to a breakdown 9 months ago. I am now retired from the stresses of work, open with my wife and family about my past and indiscretions, and seeing a therapist specializing in PTSD.

I tell you this because it is so very important for all of us to find an avenue that will bring us support, but it has got to start with sharing your story and feeling with someone you trust. If that is you therapist for now, then take full advantage. And when the time is right, you may find it comforting to share at least some of your pain with the ones that love you.

I was so scared of sharing my past with my family, but without their support, I would have definitely followed through with my suicidal thoughts. My situation presently is that I recently was drawn to acting out my feeling by visiting male porn sites. My wife found this out through my cell phone and it has caused a setback for me. With the help of other Male Survivors, they have talked me through this setback to make me realize that this situation is not uncommon. Most importantly, I have not acted out any other ways, where before that might not have been to case.

So for now, call your therapist, write back to me or another buddy, but do not let these feeling cause you to do something that really do not want to do. Trust me, the gratification(if any) is very short lived and the pain and consequences are great.

Please let me know how you are doing.

wiresguy

 

[Bardo]

Wiresguy,
Thank you for your response. Your story resonates with me, and I hear your strong concern that I don't take a step that I cannot retrace. Thank you. I have sent the therapist an email telling him that I am available to talk whenever he can make it. Now if I can make myself take the call...

 

[wiresguy1]

Just got home and I hope your night is ok. I will check with you in the am to see if things are ok with you. Talking to you has made me feel better and I trust the same goes for you.

Pleasant evening........

 

[Jude]

Dear Bardo,

I can well understand your hesitation to open this "can of worms". Many of us know that it is a painful, difficult task that often gets worse before it gets better. It may be easy to tell yourself "I don't really need his help because I am happy and productive." But you know that's a lie. Just the fact that you are going to such lengths to keep it all hidden should tell you that. Deal with it now. The risk of a total breakdown, and the loss of everything, is real if you don't.

My suggestion is to be open with your wife about seeking therapy. But for now, just say its about stress and depression. Thats probably not a lie, and your wife may already see those things, despite your efforts to appear productive and happy.

If and when you are ready to disclose to your wife, you can present it as a very painful secret that you've kept all your life, that has come out in therapy as the cause of your present difficulties. Again, thats not a lie. You want to tell her because she's the person you trust most in the world.

Nevertheless, how she reacts is beyond your control. She may be supportive and sympathetic, or she might be angry that you've kept this from her all these years. And her initial reaction may evolve over time. Don't be too discouraged if it doesn't go as well as you'd like.

Remember that this is about you getting well. Rebuilding a life without secrets and lies, without shame and self-loathing. To really BE happy and productive, rather than just giving that appearance. Take the chance Bardo. You are worth it.

Be well,

Jude

 

[Bardo]

All,
I have my first appointment with the therapist this evening. I have no idea what I am going to say, but I guess that is the point. I will let you know how it goes. Thanks for your support and advice.

Best regards,
Freeman

 

[finallyhere]

Bardo- Jude's suggestion sounds very intuitive. I have been through every aspect you and wiresguy speak of. The hookups over the years, just a year ago I started the male porn site which was a huge error in judgement, the 'picking out possible partners', led me spiraling. The only good thing that came out of it was a IOP program, a great T, and finally this summer I found MS. My wife is supportive most of the time and best when I am open. The suggestion of Jude about explaining an initial cause for T then lead into the rest is very good. One time I returned to therapy for 6 weeks without telling her. Later the view of betrayal and hiding was severe. I've been there, still have to watch myself in so many ways and the advice on this site is great. Stick with the phone appt, tell her about T, then follow through. Family is not something you want to lose over indiscretions. Even when their initial response may seem in dismay or shock. Their love will overcome in the long run. Best wishes with your first appt.

 

[Nothing Man]

Bardo, I was worried about getting into therapy also, and about telling my wife about it. She was actually terribly relieved that I began therapy because she knew something was very wrong. You are doing the right thing by getting into therapy.

 

[wiresguy1]

Hope things are better with you today seeing that you have made a commitment to see your T. I also have an important session with my T on Tuesday with all the new happenings in my life over the past few days. Stay true to your plan.

Wiresguy

 

[Bardo]

Guys,
I just finished my first session with the therapist over the phone. It was hard making the call, but got much easier to talk with him once we got started. He is really great and has experience with CSA. We identified an initial group of things we need to work on, and we talked about why I am so scared to tell my wife about my CSA. I am feeling like I have started a new chapter of my life. Thanks Wiresguy, Nothingman (I hate that screen name!!)Jude and Finally Here for coaxing me into making the call. Not sure where I am going but at least I have started the trip. I am deeply grateful to you all. Wiresguy I wish you the best in your session on Tuesday, and please let us know how it goes.

Freeman

 

[KMCINVA]

Bardo

Excellent. The journey may have ups and downs and turns. When I began I thought I went from step A to step B and so on. It was not quite that linear. I would be all over the place. You cannot always plan what will happen. Memories will resurface and take you in a different direction, triggers will appear and you are off in a different direction. I believe this happens for a reason. We must release the memories and poison of the abuse. We also must learn about our triggers--how to avoid and cope.

I am glad you had a positive experience. Keep going

Kevin