not believed

not believed
J

jwh

Registrant
I told the only guy who I still know who knew me at 8 years old, when I was sexually abused, about my abuse. He listened carefully to everything I described, then asked "Have you ever considered that it might not have happened?"

That was 2 and 1/2 years ago. I have talked to him one time since, about surface stuff. His disbelief, combined with his assertion that he was never sexually abused (and he was around the same older guys I was, getting plenty of emotional and physical abuse from them) hurt so deeply that I have simply avoided him.

What I fantasize about having said in response was "Yeah, I think that's the only possibility that I ever considered FOR MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE UNTIL NOW!!!!!"

I feel sad that we have no connection now, and whenever I think about him I feel some anger. We were like brothers for so many years, and I have no bio brother now (the one I had died in a car wreck 20 years ago). I don't know whether to try to reconnect with him or not.

I know what happened to me. Maybe he feels threatened by even opening that door. Maybe I shouldn't hold his initial response against him. Many guys here have shared about people initially struggling with what they shared, and eventually supporting them. But I don't know that he would ever believe me. He hates thinking about the past, about all of the abuse he suffered from my older brother and my perpetrator. He says that that person who went through all that was not even him, that that was all "pre" him.

Any feedback welcome.
 
JWH -

I am sorry that I cannot advise you what route to take with this individual, but if you did have a valuable friendship, it might be worth another try.

It's not that long since I started telling people, and although they have all been supportive (so far), they deal with it in different ways....3 examples (closest friends that know).

1/ Will discuss about how I'm handling it at any time & frequently asks how I'm doing - if anything is particularly bothering me...anything I need to say? *I owe this friend a hell of a lot!

2/ Will ask but I know he doesn't want to know the details, so I keep it to a minimum. It's still support.

3/ Doesn't really ask, doesn't want to know any details because he cannot stand the thought of anything like this happening to anyone. Says some positive things about me in the presence of others to build me up.

They all ensure that I'm involved in social activities which is positive!

I can't expect everyone that I tell, to deal with it in the same way - it took me 34 years to deal with it properly myself.

I have a friend that I have known since I was 11 (35 years), but will never tell him or his wife, because I know that they couldn't cope with the information (they would believe me).

Best wishes ...Rik
 
i believe you..

i think your friend does too.....

safe your friendship if you can. friends are hard to find...
 
I love what you got here in support from the guys.
I agree that friends are hard to find and the good ones are worth "fighting for." BUT, some of them have to be let go for a time. I've had to do that with a friend who actually can discuss some things pretty deeply. But the abuse issue has separated us for the time being. Probably more my doing, than his, but separated just the same. No more Tuesdays for lunch at our favorite Denny's, for the time being, anyway. I think that he's got more faith than I do at times, but I've gotten so mad at him at times, I think that this separation of ours will be best for our friendship in the long run.
Thanks for the opportunity to talk some of my friend...I've never put it in words where I could look at it.
You're a good man, have you thought of sending him a heart felt letter, talking of those days when you were boys and how he was such a good friend to you? It may remind him of your friendship to him.

Peace, understanding and courage,

David
 
I think you had it maybe right. That he does not want to 'open the door' that he has been abused. I do not know that it would have any point to try bringing it up with him again. Maybe some time he will try to bring it up with you. I'm sorry that was the reaction. The first person I told in 'real life' was my best friend, who had had the same coach I had. He was very supportive, and helpful, and understanding. It was only after we had talked some that he admitted to something that happen with him also. I think for each person who does speak of it, there are so very many more still in silence. Please take some pride in that you have broken your silence. I hope if anything bad happened with your friend, that someday he will be able to also. I wish you well.

Leosha
 
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