This actually came up in another discussion I was having with someone. I have a terrible time saying no to anyone, and most especially to my mom. I try to do everything at work--I'm the IT guy, the web site guy, the manager of my sales department, I stick my nose into everything. If you can believe it, I even put a bid in one time to also do the janitorial, because the current cleaning people were doing a terrible job. People ask me to do something I know I can't do, and I say yes. Then I spend days learning an entirely new subject to I will know what I'm doing. I drive myself nuts.
I talked to my therapist on Tuesday and all of this came up. My parents are impossible to please. I got straight A's in school, mastered the piano, did missionary stuff for the church, became the perfect reader, speaker, blah, blah, blah, gag--killed myself in other words, to please them. It was never good enough. My mom always worked harder, my dad was always smarter, and my unending efforts did nothing but irritate them. Dispite all my work, I was always in their way, underfoot, distracting them from more important things. I tried to play soft piano music in the evenings, and my dad would tell me to stop. It was bothering him. Did I stop? Yes. They didn't love, they didn't touch. There was a catch. My uncle "did" when he SA me. In my mind, the only way I could be acceptable to anyone was just to say yes. Work harder? Yes. Do this for me? Yes. Let me use you? Yes. I will beat you, so are you going to do what you're told? Yes. Saying "no" would have been like recognizing that there was no way I could please any of those evil people. Besides that, it was a sure way to get hurt. As long as I could say "yes", I thought I had control. As long as I said "yes", I was a good person.
Today my mom calls and asks if we'll meet them for lunch. I say yes. Will I mail them copies of some magazine that they want to read? Yes. Will I sell a piece of junk out of their garage for way too much money that no one in their right mind would buy? Yes. My boss asks if I wil go to a meeting that is too far to get to in time. Yes. Can I do everything on the planet to make everybody happy while killing myself? Yes.
This has got to stop. It's hanging onto the hope that a good apple can come from a poisonous tree. That my parents will come up to me and tell me how proud they are of me. That they'll say I'm a good person and all that I've done is so good. And then a pig will fly over the house and I'll realize I must be in the Twilight Zone.
My therapist and I agree that I've got to say that magic word to my mom and to everyone else demanding more than I have: "No"
I hope you can bring yourself to say no. I think it would change our lives.
