Not being able to say no/Being a "Victim"

Not being able to say no/Being a "Victim"
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onlyakid

I hate this shit, I was out with one of my only friends thanks to the isolation my SA gives me and was on my way home late from dinner around 12:30am this morning (4/9). I stopped to get a soda for my ride home. I come out of the convience store and head to my car. Well I see this guy walking down the street and he's about start walking into the parking lot, I try to get in my car but just as I start to get into my car, he starts talking to me. He says "You know I'm just trying to get home, do you have a dollar?" Not being confident and not being able to say no, I give him the dollar. Then he says something like "It would be great, if I had another dollar, I'm trying to get home and I don't have enough for the bus". Again, I give in and give him another dollar. Then he says, I don't know if the bus is running tonight, I may have to take a cab, do you have any change or something..please man.. At that point, I think I only have a $20 so I tell him, I don't have any more money. He says, do you have any change, come on man I need to get home..I tell him no, and he says come on you must have some change in your car. I look and give him .50 more, he says thanks and as soon as he moves, I back up and get out of there and back on to the freeway fast.

I feel like such a loser I couldn't handle the situation. I feel like he saw my victim mentality written all over me and said heres the perfect victim.

This isn't the first time its happened either.
On a brighter note, I was up in the area for a evaluation for my ADD..turns out that some of my fantasy's I thought made me wierd were normal reactions to my SA. Also turns out, I may not have Social Anxiety Disorder but PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder). This is a big maybe but its worth checking out with Ken the next time I see him.
 
jtt5254,

Yes it does by some part come from your abuse. When we are abused we loss control over our own bodies. One of the first things our abusers take from us is our voice. The voice in which we are able to say "yes or no." The more you deal with your healing the more your will find your voice. It can also be something that you need to look at now. Since you where in your car what kept you their? Why could you have simply said dont got any more money and drove off? What made you feel like you had to do what this man asked of you?

It is only from our issues and mistakes that we can learn. Take a close look at how you felt over this man asking for change. Reflecting on how the whole issue affected you might give you an insight into being better able to speak up for your self in the future. Just remember that no one is perfect (very far from it in my case) and we all make mistakes, but if we look at it from the point of growth we are only getting better each day. Learn from this night so that the next time it happens you will know how you react and how to keep your self from being taken advantage of again.

lots of love, Nathan
 
Hi JTT

It sounds to me like to had a spontaneous conflict in the parking lot, lost a little self confidence, felt very uncomfortable, and made decisions you are second guessing now. Certainly all of those things could be traced back to some origin in abuse. On the otherhand, many reasonably healthy people still have trouble in that situation.

It pits our cynism against our compassion. One the one hand you can give him no money because you believe he will only squander it, but that could leave you feeling quite uncharitable. Or you could give him more money and feel like you were getting take advantage of. Most of us do not really think about these situations in advance and find ourselves trying to make the decsion on the spot while the emotional wind storm rages inside. But this rarely produces a satisfactory result.

But even when thinking about the problem outside of the situation, there are some complicated questions. Could you have shown him the $20 (and let it be 20 $1), given him $2 and said that was all you could spare? If not, why not? Many people fall back on the lie, "If only I had some money with me rigth now, I would give you some." But if you know full well that money is in your pocket, the lie could pluck at feelings of guilt. It is harder to do, but the truth carries with it less guilt. "I can't spare any of the money that I have." Or, "Here is some, but that is all I can give you." Now when the begging for more starts, what will you do? Firm, simple honesty is still my favorite solution.

Anyway, my point is that the situation you describe is a complicated one no matter if you were abused or not, so don't beat yourself up too bad about it.

Cheers!
 
I don't know about your direct situation, but where I live, panhandlers can be very aggressive. I used to give in all the time for two reasons: One, to not do so might deprive someone of what they need and Two, I was afraid of the agression.

Sick or not, my reaction to agression now is anger. I don't give in anymore. I will not allow my fear to dicate my response to this request (read: demand). Fear dictates a lot of how I respond, but this is my little victory.

Regardless of why you did what you did, your self doubt is showing. If you think you did wrong, forgive yourself and move on. Resolve that the next time you feel this way, you can say "No" or whatever YOU want to say. Not what you think you HAVE to say. :D
 
I think that we as Survivors do have some issues when dealing with beggars, they have an ability to make anyone feel 'guilty' for just having more than they do.
And if we're already feeling guilty then it plays straight into their hands ( pockets ? )

On a good day I'll give them something, not much, and only if I think that they are in need ( don't ask how I judge that ! it's an on the spot decision )
On a bad day I'll tell them to "get a f******g job !"
Just whose the bad and good days are is open to debate !

It depends how guilty I feel on the day I suppose ?

Dave
 
In the UK / England we have people that are 'down on their luck' & they sell a magazine on the street called 'The Big Issue'. These people are 'homeless' & 'without real jobs'.

For years I always bought 1 magazine per week, often giving slightly more than the required amount. Few of my friends ever admitted to buying the magazine at that time. I always had the idea in my head 'but for the grace of god, there go I'... a bit strange as I'm not religious, but the implication is there (I didn't wish to be in their situation).

At Christmas I always gave the seller far more than the required cover price.... usually 5 instead of 1. They didn't pressure me into this - the pressure was in my head to help someone that was down!

Two years ago I did this... I gave a young girl (early 20's) 5. A couple of days later her face was all over the papers - she had been found dead from a drug overdose!

Was it my 5 that did it?

I don't think so - she was obviously on a slippery slope... perhaps someone gave her 20, maybe that killed her.

She came from a really good family apparently & they had tried every way that they could to get her off drugs.

JTT - I thought I was helping someone...a victim helping another victim. Did that make me a looser for giving her my hard earned money? ...NO - ask those here who are religious & I think it's more like the road to Damascus (that's not meant to be remotely offensive, I'm thinking more 'Good Samaritan').

I think that maybe when you first needed help, you didn't find it - when someone else needs help, you want to provide it, no matter how genuine their need is. This simply prooves that you have a soul...be proud of that! If people are aggressive in demanding money from you, they must be desperate in some way (that doesn't validate their aggression). If you are likely to be in a locality where this could occur, keep some small change (that you don't care about) in a pocket away from your real money - you can hand this over in extreme circumstances.

*PS - I no longer buy the magazine - 'just in case'.... several of my friends who would not touch those 'parasites' now buy the magazine - they realise it can happen to anyone. I just don't want to fund the final fix! *Friends don't know this story, but they do know that I no longer hand money over! I should really - I could be starving someone because I think they are going to buy a fix!

Hope this hasn't confused you even more.

Summary - you thought someone needed help. You helped. They wanted more help - you helped. Then you couldn't do anymore...YOU HELPED!

Think well of yourself ...Rik
 
You actually acted wisely. By helping with a couple of bucks you got the man to back off and you got safely out of there.

I used to work on the streets in a ministry I had. I was trained by members of the vice squad before I went out for late night excursions. The Cop told me to always have twenty dollars, perferably in a pocket, to give to a demanding person--he mentioned my life was worth $20.00.

You could have gotten into a car-jacking, or a tussle. You did what I would have done. Otherwise, I would have gone back into the store until he left or the police were called for a "suspicious person." At that time of night they would have responded sooner or later.

Congratulate yourself--don't criticise yourself. You can learn sometinhg from this situation. But all in all, you handled it well. Telling a guy you have nothing as you come out of a store can get us into a really agressive situation. Odd, but they do not like to be lied to.

Bob
 
I guess I was smarter than I thought, that was my real fear but in my clouded state, I didn't realize it. I didn't know if he had a gun or something. I guess if I wasn't fearful, I would have never tried to get out of the area so fast. It was in NY state where there are no gas station attendants so no one would have seen anything. I guess I was feeling like less of a man, A man should be able to take care of himself. Only a women is defenseless. I guess that has to do with my SA, and why men with SA feel so ashamed. Who would have guessed, a uncomfortable encounter with a crack head in Nyack, NY turned out to be a therapy session. Hmm..it cost me $2.50, I wonder if I can sumbit that to my insurance :D
 
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