Not as strong as I thought

Not as strong as I thought
TJ jeff

TJ jeff

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Tonight my Grandmother had a friend over for dinner (yes - I live with my grandmother - she's 87 - I sort of look after her cause she refuses to move from her place out here in the country) - anyways - this friend and her are chatting away while we are eating - I'm not paying a whole lot of attention (mostly just idle chitchat) - at least till the topic changed to discussing the local priest sex abuse scandal - I had to endure a 15 minute discussion of how they think that S/A is indeed the Childs fault - how if the child would have simply said 'NO' that the abuse would never have happened - how that if the children would dress decent perps would'nt make advances on them - how that by the age of 8 or 9 a child knows the diffrence between right or wrong touch and should be able to get themselves out of the situation - how that they think it's discusting that people wait untill 20, 30, or 40 years have passed and then dig it all back up into the light - they think that it all should just be buried in the past and never talked about - I left as soon as my legs would let me (which unfortunately was'nt untill the topic had changed) - never did go back and say a word to either one of them tonight

I sat tight lipped the whole time - never said a word - never shot even so much as a glance at either one of them - I was sort of just froze - a part of me just could'nt believe the discussion that I was hearing take place before me - part of me wanted so badly to just sceam out 'What about ME - I was abused' - My lips would'nt move and a part of me is glad that they did'nt wich makes me even more mad with myself

My Grandmother knows nothing of my past - I have always worried that some day she would have to know or that it would somehow get back to her through her worldwide super-gossip network - now I am worried even more...

What would she think to know that I was 9 when it ended (does that indeed make it 'my fault' in her eyes) - what would she think to know that I did say NO many times durring the course of it happening and yet it did'nt magicaly stop - what would she think to know that I waited 20 years before ever telling a single soul...

The anger is building inside of me - I can feel it welling up - I'm not mad at my Grandma though (well - ok - maybe a little bit) - I'm mad at my Uncle for the secret that can not be told

I stayed up in my room untill Grandma was sound asleep and then came down to post - is the only way I can even come to this site - in secret - damn! I hate this secret life I am forced to live

Sorry - Just needed to vent - hope is ok place to put this post - if not please move - gonna go now - headache building...

Tonight the child inside does indeed cry - and so does the adult outside!

TJ
 
TJ,

My heart goes out to you. That must have been incredibley difficult.

If telling your grandmother is something you want to avoid, not because of shame, but because you don't feel the need to tell her, than you were very strong tonight.

Even if you really want to tell her, your instinct to avoid a confrontation over dinner when her friend was there also shows your strenght.

Remember, you tell those who you need to tell. Not hiding doesn't equate to telling everyone in the world. There's a time for everyone.

I myself have no desire to tell my 80 year old parents. I truely believe I will get a similar response to what you received. Other people, I am telling.

Good luck and remember, you were strong.

Dave
 
I wish there was something I could say but I completely understand what you are saying. And you may have already figured this out, but there may be a reason why they want things like this hidden - possibly they had to endure something as well. My aunt (my father's sister) will not talk about much of my family issues. I think there is something there but when she got confronted about it, she made up a story. It's tough with family and my grandmother passed away before I got to talk to her about my father. I'm sure though I would have been told to pray and ask for forgiveness for him. That I can't and won't do!

Anyway, glad at least you are sharing it as that is more powerful than you may or may not realize.

Don
 
Wow, I'm sorry to hear about this. As others have said, I completely understand what this was like.

I've had similar experiences. It's amazing to talk to people and hear their real attitudes about sexual abuse of children when they don't know they are talking to or in front of someone who is a survivor. I've heard some people say some astounding things.

My stock response these days, whenever the topic comes up, is to say loudly that I believe any child molester should be executed, and I wonder about people who would stand up for these perverts. Tends to shorten the discussion about who's at fault.

Hope you're feeling better. Take care of yourself.
 
That is a difficult situation to have to sit thru. You made it thru without doing damage to anyone else. Congratulations!

I know how bad things like that hurt. You did well not to strike out and hurt someone else. Keep up the good work.

Aden
 
TJ

sorry you had to face that one, what?

These people are so blinkered to the pain and suffering of the abused, but it's typical of people. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I do hope they come back as one of us, then would it be the child's fault.

ste
 
TJ,

It's not the same, but every damn time I hear some idiot in the media defend Mary Jane Letorneau (sp? On second thought, who the Hell cares?) or Michael Goddamn Jackson, I want to beat their f**king brains out.

I've had nothing but support from my family and friends when I "came out with it," except for telling my sister about the rape I suffered as an adult. Her first reaction? "Where do you MEET men like that?" Yep, she's a survivor of rape too, and she had the gall to say that to me. Never mind that f**ker pulled a gun on me, shoved it in me, whatever. My fault for meeting him, or so it seemed.

There is nothing weak in being unable to say anything to the small-minded. But I'm also willing to believe that if your grandmother knew, really KNEW, it would change her mind.

You did NOTHING wrong, TJ. I know you know it, but sometimes, especially with insensitive crap like this, you don't feel it. I want you to feel it.

And yes, the child and the adult can cry. The child cried for me when it happened and still cries. The adult cries now because there's always something else buried in his mind that makes him feel small and cheap.

But that's not true. And neither is it for you. You are a brave man who has to deal with s**t that isn't your own making. And you ARE dealing with it, TJ.

I believe you. I believe it wasn't your fault and I curse the day your uncle ever had the THOUGHT of doing the things he did to you, because it wasn't right and it wasn't fair.

I'm here if you need me.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Thank You all for your replies

24 hours later and I'm still kinda shook up - I just never imagined that she felt that way - I guess last night kinda knocked her off the pedestal that I'd placed her on...

There is just so much within me that is tired of hideing - I know that there are people who do know now - it is a good step in the right direction - 1 step at a time - sometimes I get knocked down, but I will get back up again...
 
TJ,

I can look at this from an outside perspective because I never really had the family to worry about.

Your reaction was completely normal. And so is the anger and the wanting to scream out.

I sometimes want to do that for different reasons. We have the right to be angry and say "Do you have ANY clue what this does to me?"

Anyway, you are moving to healing. And I wish you didn't have to feel like you have to keep a secret. The time for secrets is over, my brother. You've carried them long enough.

Peace,

Marc
 
TJ
That must have been one long dinner, and you chose to remain silent - which showed great strength.

I read CFO Dave's reply and thought "did I write that?" - I'm in exactly the same position with my parents and friends. I don't care who knows except for my parents.
For two reasons, firstly they are well into their 80's and the turmoil of telling them would likely be too much for them to cope with.
And secondly, I might just get the response your grandmother showed, and I couldn't cope with that.

But for all the differences between the UK and the US I don't think that the way people of that generation were raised is that much different.
They were vastly diffwerent times to the one we live in now. Just look at the mass of diverse information we have thrown at us through TV, the media and of course the WWW.
My parents remember the TV being invented.
Their attitudes are bound to be different, my parents attitudes certainly are :rolleyes: so I just roll with it the best I can.
It raises my blood pressure, and I often get an 'urgent text message' on my phone that 'just happens' to be set on vibrate in my pocket telling me I'm needed somewhere else.

Dave
 
I have found myself almost sort of hideing from my grandmother the past 2 days - I know that this is something that will only be short term for me - I will get over this - just as I have everything else in the past

My Grandmother did indeed grow up in a diffrent age - the family was a much stronger institution when she was a kid (not like it is nowadys where the parents don't even care about what their child is doing) - she did not have it easy though - farm kids worked very hard growing up in the 1910's and 20's (I worked very hard growing up too - not much diffrence there I guess) - but she knew love from both of her parents (they were loveing, kind, supportive, uplifting people) - something that was forever missing in my life while growing up...
 
tj

i am with you on not telling anyone and people and even family, being judgmental or ignorant (not stupid- there is a difference). hell, i hear my realtives and co-workers judge about tattoos, belly rings, dress these days.

add to that, we should not have let it happen.

i say bullshit!

i love dan 88's reply. what a great one. i think i will use it some time.

i also have only told my ex g/f, my t, and another f friend. will tell my brother and sister one day but not my mom and dad, too old, frgaile, conservative, etc.. it was a coach, not them, but they would or could have a heart attack.

anyhow, i hope you are better and do accept the generations where they are at. people just don't know. i don't judge them. when people do stupid or odd things to me or say such, i before getting pissed and angry most of the time- say ' Where are they coming from?" "What motivated them to do that?".

i don't do that all the time but when i am not "whacked" out, i can do that.

take care, guy
 
Hi TJ,
You know if your Grandma were an incest victim, I guarantee you that she would never say what she said or encourage that type of discussion. But do we wish this on anyone ? We all see the world through the colored mental glasses we wear, and does not look like that would change any time soon. But while we are going through the healing process we have to be little careful about any new resentment we create. From my AA experience, I believe somehow all our resentments has to be acknowleged and expressed. We have a whole bunch that accumulated throughout our life. We should be a little careful before we add any more.
You have done so far, what I would call the rightest thing that could be done. You felt the resentment and the pain involved in it, all of it. Gave it life by sharing about it in the forum. From my AA experience, if I were you I would also verbally express the feeling either to a therapist, or someone you already trust, preferably a fellow incest victim. I would keep doing it until expressing it does not hurt anymore. Most important thing is that I have not hurt anyone in the process. Baggage is getting lighter and I am not adding any anymore. At least trying to. Once I kind of get my serenity back I will then decide who else need to know. I was molested by a school teacher when I was Seven years old. I do know the pain & more than that the shame we are all trying to say goodbye to.
-honest_lion
 
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