Not all the way remembered or processed
When my brother abused me, i have flashes of what happened, and don't remember it like a coherent memory. All i can remember that feels normal is him pushing his penis up against my backside in the shower, then laughing because it slipped, then everything goes dark. All i remember after that are wierd distortions and images, negative feelings, it feels like im twisting from the inside out.
Have i processed this trauma? I keep wondering why I cant seem to remember anything solid with my mother, even though i feel like things happened. I honestly thought i had forgiven him for what he did, but maybe i didnt? I thought what i felt was the closest thing to genuine that i had ever been through, but maybe there is something i am not understanding or remembering. When i called my brother, he is never able to remember anything, which is frustrating for me.
I have been having vaugue feelings about this bathroom in this old apartment we were living in. The way i see it is that the door to the bathroom is closed, but something terrible is going on behind it. That and strange feelings about baby sitters, remembering strange circumstances.
No matter what i do i always feel cut off from happiness, like its right in front of me, like i can even touch it sometimes, but i cant bring myself to feel it.
Why did my family get to decide who i am now? It is like i dont even get to make my own choices, that things are always done for me. I never feel confident about anything. I am trying to take steps to feel more confident, but i just can't seem to believe in myself. I feel like something is going to go wrong, like this is all a trick and it is just setting me up so it can delibrately be taken from me. When i go to my community colledge, i dont see a bunch of other people. I see every guy as a rival predator who can become violent or hateful at any moment. i dont see women, i see weak manipulative creatures who want to use me. Every stupid stereotype i can think of passes through my head, i get afraid of black people, mexican people, not because of who they are, but because of who i am. I get afraid i will be a racist like my dad or my moms boyfriends. It feels like these are all the kids i grew up with, merciless, cruel and vindictive, and now they are all hiding behind the masks of civility.
I ALWAYS feel inferior, no matter what i do, i feel like it will never be enough. I just dont trust the world to explode into violence and hate at a moments notice, and i dont feel strong enough to let go of our illusions of saftey and immortality. I am hoping that with confidence, i will become more comfortable with bad things happening, better able to handle them. But right now, i just dont have the grace to accept how hard life is for some of us, i want to feel safe, but i just can't bring myself to trust anyone who has never been hurt.
Everyone else seems like the enemy, like they are reinforcing the ignorence and pain of the culture i feel has abandoned and disgraced me. Sometimes i wonder if i would be happier in some other country, or some other place, but i think i am just having the hardest time dealing with people in general. I have seen the worse in them, and always expect them to be at thier worse. I want to reach out so bad, but it is so hard to gather the strength to try again, and not think, but know, that part of the process of learning how to be with people is that something bad is going to happen, because it is a two way street. I may have a hundred good experiaces with a hundred different people, but there will always be that rude guy at the counter, the idiot loudmouth, ect. It is like when you get in a fight, the most important thing is to learn how not to be afraid of getting hit.
I just wish things would start making a little sense, you know? I guess i am getting a little more confident, but it is still a long way from where i want to be. But I guess I am better off than i was.
Have i processed this trauma? I keep wondering why I cant seem to remember anything solid with my mother, even though i feel like things happened. I honestly thought i had forgiven him for what he did, but maybe i didnt? I thought what i felt was the closest thing to genuine that i had ever been through, but maybe there is something i am not understanding or remembering. When i called my brother, he is never able to remember anything, which is frustrating for me.
I have been having vaugue feelings about this bathroom in this old apartment we were living in. The way i see it is that the door to the bathroom is closed, but something terrible is going on behind it. That and strange feelings about baby sitters, remembering strange circumstances.
No matter what i do i always feel cut off from happiness, like its right in front of me, like i can even touch it sometimes, but i cant bring myself to feel it.
Why did my family get to decide who i am now? It is like i dont even get to make my own choices, that things are always done for me. I never feel confident about anything. I am trying to take steps to feel more confident, but i just can't seem to believe in myself. I feel like something is going to go wrong, like this is all a trick and it is just setting me up so it can delibrately be taken from me. When i go to my community colledge, i dont see a bunch of other people. I see every guy as a rival predator who can become violent or hateful at any moment. i dont see women, i see weak manipulative creatures who want to use me. Every stupid stereotype i can think of passes through my head, i get afraid of black people, mexican people, not because of who they are, but because of who i am. I get afraid i will be a racist like my dad or my moms boyfriends. It feels like these are all the kids i grew up with, merciless, cruel and vindictive, and now they are all hiding behind the masks of civility.
I ALWAYS feel inferior, no matter what i do, i feel like it will never be enough. I just dont trust the world to explode into violence and hate at a moments notice, and i dont feel strong enough to let go of our illusions of saftey and immortality. I am hoping that with confidence, i will become more comfortable with bad things happening, better able to handle them. But right now, i just dont have the grace to accept how hard life is for some of us, i want to feel safe, but i just can't bring myself to trust anyone who has never been hurt.
Everyone else seems like the enemy, like they are reinforcing the ignorence and pain of the culture i feel has abandoned and disgraced me. Sometimes i wonder if i would be happier in some other country, or some other place, but i think i am just having the hardest time dealing with people in general. I have seen the worse in them, and always expect them to be at thier worse. I want to reach out so bad, but it is so hard to gather the strength to try again, and not think, but know, that part of the process of learning how to be with people is that something bad is going to happen, because it is a two way street. I may have a hundred good experiaces with a hundred different people, but there will always be that rude guy at the counter, the idiot loudmouth, ect. It is like when you get in a fight, the most important thing is to learn how not to be afraid of getting hit.
I just wish things would start making a little sense, you know? I guess i am getting a little more confident, but it is still a long way from where i want to be. But I guess I am better off than i was.