Not a Mindreader

[WontGiveUp]

Dear, beautiful, brave survivors...

Please know that we are your partners are not mindreaders. I know that sometimes there is so much hurt from misunderstanding between partners and survivors. Just as you cannot read our minds, and we need to be congnizent of that and be sure to keep you in the loop of how we feel and where we are emotionally - we need that from you too.

Too often I have been blamed for not understanding. Too often our marriage has been considered faulty - all from a wall of silence between us. I try hard to be open, but I dont get that in return. And when I mis-read or my guess on how he is doing/feeling is wrong - I am then blamed and punished.

If I dont have the information - how can I respond in a way you need me too? How can I be there for you if you hold me at arms length and force me to guess at what you want and need? How is it ok for you to punish me when I "get it wrong" but have nothing to base my decision on?

Those are things that I wish my survivor understood. I dont know if this lines up with others, but it seems to be a real root problem and probably one of the "slashes of death" to my marriage.

I am not looking for details to his abuse - he is free to tell me as much or as little as he wants. I dont have to know the details to know the effect, to FEEL the effect. What I need from him is where his mental state is. I need to know if he is triggered by something so that I can help prevent that. I need to know if he is feeling angry, even if he doesnt understand why. I need to know if he is feeling down or melancholy. I need to know whats bothering him at the moment as much as I need to know what makes him happy.

Sometimes it feels like I dont know him at all. Its like I am invisible to him and dont matter, because he doesnt share his "present".

I hope this makes sense, I hope it can be helpful to others. We as partners LOVE our survivors. We want to help lift you up, we want you to rise and find healing and recovery. We dont want you to feel alone - because we are here with you - right next to you. WE CHOOSE IT. WE WANT IT. Because we have chosen you - you are worth it to us. My husband is worth it to me.

 

[Ceremony]

There was a concern last week? Hope the prognosis is Ok? Then, I have read all per usual. Taking my time with recent posts. Many outside my experience or understanding. I'll add to that, some reading I saw from MS. Articles about boys being raised in a society detaching men from sensitivity, feelings, empathy and vulnerability.

I've spent most of my life aware of that problem, living as a man, where cultural norms deter being the real me. The neglect, bullying, molestations and rape took security from me, and as I age, anger and rage take/took root. I despise the angst against vulnerability, empathy, and sensitivity.

Now add the sidetracks, temptations, and tests to my veracity, to even play games of guile. To lie. That broken promise, and in a relationship, needing truth, what of lust? Young foolishness perhaps? I truly don't know, monogamy has been my path. Not all by restraint, fear, self loathing keep me from consideration of affair. Each of us brought to our circumstances via influences self made, real, or believed. Truth, fear, empathy, vulnerability...

To the point... men might be pigs if it weren't for some keen influence. Men might be saints, if it weren't for some intrigue. Men may be oblivious, by choice, conditioning, fear, anger, ... and here is where the point veers into forks unknown. Trust, truth, an honor to oneself, to one's love, it seems mythical to me, too varied for confirmation. The guile of all needs to be watchrd, needs to be proded, and yet, that's not being trusting.

I knew a couple, growing up, whose example of truth and love exemplified my ideal. One I still aspire. I think guile, and fear aka paranoia are self protection mechanisms in a troubled relationship. Sad, very sad.

 

[WontGiveUp]

Ceremony - you have an excellent point. It certainly has been (at least until very recently in many cases) that boys are taught from a young age to disconnect to sensitivity, to be "manly" and "not a sissy" blah blah. What a terrible thing done. And then for survivors, the key to healing are those tools you were systematically taught to abandon as a child - sensitivity, allowing yourself to feel, to be true to whats in your heart etc, to remove any mask and false self.

Its certainly far more acceptable for a woman to show emotion, or to be the emotional one, but its still not easy. I have an ingrained mentality of "never let them see you hurt, never show your weaknesses"... And its not something that was actually taught to me, it was just something built up over time early on, due to my own neglect and abandonment as a child. (abandonment is my biggest fear, neglect is my biggest hurt) I have taught myself to just keep my chin up an soldier on. Its been hard work to allow whats inside my heart to come out. Sadly not in time enough to salvage my relationship with my previous husband who passed on. In my current relationship I have done everything I could to be open, be vulnerable and to really lay my heart out to my husband. And I have managed to get burned every time, and yet I keep putting it out there. Hoping that he will see me before there is nothing left to see at all.

As for my diagnosis - I am set to see another specialist next week. Though my fears are lessened since if it was serious and critical - I bet they would have gotten me in immediately like they had been. Some things are in the wrong place, and they are not the right size, so need to talk to someone who specializes in the system to really find out what the deal is.

As for you dear Ceremony - you keep aspiring. Just like me, you are getting your feet knocked out from under you every time you manage to stand up - but you keep on standing up man. We have to. Its the only way forward - we have to keep moving and keep trying - not for anyone but ourselves. In the end, you have to learn to be your own hero, your own champion. So much was taken from you - only you can take those things back and build them in yourself WITH yourself FOR yourself. I hope that makes sense. Stick close to those people who live a life that you want - learn from them, and take the good things and duplicate it in your life, little bit at a time.

There is an old story about someone needing to cross a treacherous river - and yet there was no bridge. So the guy, sad and frustrated decided he would not be turned away. He picked up a little pebble and tossed it into the river. Then another, and another... and he tossed pebbles and rocks for days. It seemed hopeless, and it seemed like he would never ever cross that river. And one day, the pebble he tossed didnt sink... it breached the surface and stayed... this was encouraging! He started throwing more and more pebbled, having to go far and wide to get them... but soon - he had built a bridge that he could cross safely to get to the other side.

Keep finding the pebbles, and when you run out of them close by - search harder, reach further and keep throwing them. Even when you cant see it, you ARE making changes and progress.

You will reach your ideal. Be it with your wife, or be it alone. but you WILL find that truth, love and peace. I believe it, and I believe in you!

 

[md4e]

My Dear WontGiveUp,
Again you have been inside my mind and heart. Explaining what goes on in a marriage seeping in unprocessed csa.
I have said in the past it is like playing a game that the rules are changing all the time without notice. That it is like trying to nail jello to the wall. The silence so loud it hurts. But, for me it is when I'm talking/loving with him and the shift happens....he's gone, and what did I say, do, etc?
I'm glad you brought up the issue of them sharing the past. It is one of the things I struggled with. He would bark at me that he "told" me everything. But the reason it came out years ago was his sister asked if he had been abused to get confirmation on her abuse. He said yes. Then he has told more at times but it was those times that I was almost begging....then my T said I feel that way because I want an intimate relationship with him, feeling that I'm the one he trusts with this very special thing. And when we share like that she said it is trusting someone to help carry our struggles. And WGU, that is what we want isn't it. They just don't 'get' that we want to be that person, because if we don't know how they feel/think about something we are guessing and guessing causes fear. Those times that he has shared, cuz he wanted....are the most precious to me. A real connection and that produces energy. What I think life is all about. We all know how that feels, the confusion is why we don't have that with our partners. Because for me I can have that feeling with friends family, strangers even and then I turn my attention to him and it's like a brick wall some days. So my efforts are in reminding myself it's not me!!!!! But living with that feeling...it's not fair. Which T says is judgment and I need to keep in the present.
And what we wouldn't give to be in the presence of our partners more! The healing on both our parts would be miraculous.
So again I deeply understand you, and thank you for sharing.

A side note....my T said it is BECAUSE I know about the abuse that our marriage has survived, because my dialogue otherwise would be that he is just an uncaring mean man when in fact that is the complete opposite of what he is. His wounded side just shows up more and that part still feels the need for isolation to feel safe,which is old tools that do the opposite now.

 

[Ceremony]

I hope to acknowledge both WGU, md4e, HH and all partners, whose vitality toward being the partner is evidenced here.

Being here to read all, gives me a chance to gave a perspective through others, through the sharing partners thoughts. My heart aches for the pain shared as it does for the brothers pain around MS forums. There's a lot of support and pain to go around. Since joining, I read everything. It seems to this is helping me.

I do far more than read here. I read advocacy, politics and research. There is a lot going on. My life has been focused on issues impacting any vulnerable, any marginalized, any in need population, plus many other. I don't want to go down any rabbit hole regarding my application of issue activities, therefore, please know, I keep many things going at many levels.

I do nearly all of the things I do, to impact my children's, mine, family and community improvement. Let's caveat all of this with my lifetime of experiences, and vulnerability. I am happy to be grounded, hear issues of personal life, and be awake to needs I might miss otherwise. Meaning, listening at MS goes a long way toward seeing through others eyes, and trying to process emotions and needs going forward.

Later addition: Does some of that seem pretentious, like all I do is examine things? Far from that. I have long had a problem of being clear. Knowing whether I'm conveying in a way that gives my intended meaning, and hope for being sure all of me is in this to be a good man, healthy as possible, and share. Share in hope that I make sense and offer help?

Yeah, I fall into concerns about my words quite a bit. Wonder if I am being supportive, or putting 2 cents way off? That's why I mention that "rabbit hole", it's a defense about being insecure. Did I make sense, go off in a way that isn't fitting my intent? That advocating stuff, after rereading, seemed like I'm clinical? I thought at the time, it's good to explain my hopes, dreams, wishes from decades of stuff. I think vulnerability is confusing.