Not a Jock....

Tedure

Registrant
After my CSA at age ten, I equated sex with love In my mind I believed sex was all I was good for. I never played any sports. I never thought I would be good enough. I had no confidence. Of course I never had any encouragement to pursue any sport either. Because I wasnt the athlete, I always felt different. like an outcastlike I didnt belong. I had no close friends but I was a good actor and was very friendly, a good talker, and could make people laugh. But in reality I was consumed with my obsession with sex from age ten. I believed I wasnt good at anything else. Why would anyone love me unless they could use me? What else was I good for? Nothing.that is what I thought. Even today many years later my wife knows more about football and basketball than me! Weird hugh?
..Anyone else find sports hard?

Thanks for listening, Ted
 

Charlie24

Registrant
Hi Ted,

Great post and you've read my mind word for word.

I know exactly how you feel.

My parents tried to get me into sports, tried soccer, didn't work.

We did okay in Track, but my time was never recorded. Pissed me off. Gave up, but I learned that I loved to run and could do it. A battle with myself as I saw it.

Never understood sports, still struggle too. Guys try to make convo with me and I don't know what to say. I feel so stupid at times.

Life is already hard enough, then add on CSA.

Thanks bud for sharing.

Hang in there, nice to hear from you Ted.

Great post, my friend.
 

jls

Registrant
It is unfortunate that schools place so much emphasis on team sports as the only form of sanctioned excercise, especially in light of the growing obesity crisis among children and teens. The fact is not everyone is a joiner when it comes to team sports, myself included. However, this shouldn't negate the need for excercise. Some schools are recognizing this by implementing peronal work out equipment into their PE ciriculum, just like we have for adults who wish to stay in shape but don't have the desire to join a team or whatever. As an adult I still get my excerise but mostly on the outside i.e. thru cycling, swimming and walking. For some of us getting excerise is a very independent thing. JS
 
Tedure said:
I never played any sports. I never thought I would be good enough. I had no confidence. Of course I never had any encouragement to pursue any sport either. Because I wasnt the athlete, I always felt different. like an outcastlike I didnt belong.
..Anyone else find sports hard?
Ted,

OH yeah my friend. For me it started by being the fat kid. This miserable paradigm that the PE teachers would set up, whereby the most athletic boys would be made team captains and "chose" their teams was absolute torture for many I'm sure. I mean, how on earth are you supposed to have any desire to do better when the end of the team selection process is a fight over who has to take me??? This and all the other parts of the experience, having to change clothes and bare my fat self in the locker room...ALWAYS, I mean ALWAYS being on the team that was skins, including when gym became Co-ed were a nightmare which gave me a deep hatred of anything having to so with sports or athletics. Funnily enough, I'm probably in far better shape today than most of those grade school jock wonders, but I sure couldn't know that then.

Rather than my specific abuse having contributed to this, this contributed to my abuse by helping to create the lonely outsider kid that these perps look for. Now, I suppose if I were to trace the fat kid thing back, I would find a terrible household full of at least so-called covert abuse causing me to eat my way through 24 count boxes of twinkies and hostess fruit pies, but I don't really feel like going there today.

Ted, thanks for giving me an opportunity to vent a little bit about the dreaded gym class!!!!!!

sono
 

Tedure

Registrant
Thanks for your great responses, It is as always good to know that you are not the only non-athlete in the world. I guess that is why we can focus and achieve in other areas!

Thanks Ted
 
Ted,

Same here. I just wasn't interested. I remember when I first went to High School and had PE. I am tall and looked athletic. When they would pick teams for basketball initially I'd get picked first. Then they found out I didn't even know how to play (I still can't dribble the damn ball). The track coach wrote to my parents to try to get me on the track team. I didn't care. I wasn't like everyone else. Now I look back and realize how much the CSA cost my childhood. It took it all.......

Dale
 

Dusty Boy

Registrant
Tedure,

Same for me I was not good at sports. That is recognized sports that require a ball. That suited the parents because i was available to do work and they didn't have to pay me.
In secondary school (grade 8 here) every student had to do sports every Wednesday, I chose rowing, that was a brilliant choice, I could hang back and when the teacher was not looking slip across the path and join those that had had their turn, I rowed 4 times that year . Grade 9 I went swimming in the summer (never made the team, had a BALL though) and in winter---- soccer, I was told that those that don't make the team go to the park and kick a ball round and the teachers weren't strict, after 3 weeks one teacher blew his whistle and told us The idea of soccer is to chase the ball not run away from it. Apparently 5 boys kicking the ball and 15 avoiding it was obvious and got too much for even them however there was a core group of us that refused to go for the ball and he gave up.

Tedure said:
It is as always good to know that you are not the only non-athlete in the world. I guess that is why we can focus and achieve in other areas!

Thanks Ted
And I did acheive in other areas with athletic attributes.
At age 14 I went roller skating and was good at it, for the first time I felt capable in my life. I did that for 4 years. I also tried wrestling and judo and THEN -- Ballroom Dancing, I was good at something and better than Joe Average even, I would never get a knock back if I asked a girl to dance. I did medal exams, competitions, I became a professional, ran my own Studio and coached several champions in my state. Though not an athlete it was athletic If I took more than a month off I would gain about 15---18lbs, I stuffed up my knee and was hospitalized and when I was released I had gained 6 - 10-1/2cm around the waist in 6 weeks.
 
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mylifeforward

Registrant
Another old thread I'm responding to but I wanted to share too. I enjoyed some sports but I wasn't the athlete in football or basketball which were the main two sports everyone talked about and supported. I felt I could get along with folks easily too, sometimes, but I also felt lonely some days as well because of my differences. I use to think due to the absence of my father was one reason I took less interest in the main sports of my community and schools. I did think one thing I was good at was track and field, soccer and making people laugh. I did think I possibly could play football because I wasn't bad at it when I played it in the neighborhood but I didn't have confidence in myself and thought I was too small and didn't want to show my strength or lack thereof in the boys' school gym. I was insecure. Indeed, my abuse could've played a major part in that insecurity.
 
I wore glasses from age 7, and my mother made it very clear that I couldn't do anything "rough" that might cause my glasses to break, because we wouldn't be able to afford replacements. So I was barred from playing sports. Though when I was an adult and asked her about it, she never remembered saying that. She always wondered why I was not interested in sports.

To counter that, I *required* my son to play football the first year in middle school he was able to. He hated it and convinced the coach to become Team Manager and then videographer. He eventually forgave me cause he understands why I did it.
 
After my CSA at age ten, I equated sex with love In my mind I believed sex was all I was good for. ................. I was consumed with my obsession with sex from age ten. I believed I wasn't good at anything else. Why would anyone love me unless they could use me? What else was I good for? Nothing.that is what I thought.
Thanks for listening, Ted
This is what has haunted me from the age of 7 and to this day and I have been in relationships that have reinforced this idea that I'm only good for sex but I don't even think that is true anymore at 58 who would want to me for even that?
 

Osprey

New Registrant
Ted,
My abuser was a former pro football player and high school coach. To this day I hate football (even living in Massachusetts), basketball....any of the sports he coached. Instead I gravitated to masochistic sports like wrestling and rowing. Eventually I even tried out for the Olympic team. Now it's just sports I enjoy and to keep me stronger and healthy. Hang in there, it takes a lot of courage to endure and thrive after what happened to you.
 
Wasn’t raised by my Biological Father and didn’t really know him until I was an adult. But I hate sports, I don’t like contact, I don’t like masculinity, and I don’t like the tribal war attitude that is associated with it (ie: the guys in a circle doing a war cry to hype them up). Maybe I associate it with bullying or hyper masculinity.

Anyway, a few years ago, my biological father was telling someone that he can’t stand sports, playing them or watching them. A friend of mine said to me, “you don’t fall far from the tree”
 

Tedure

Registrant
Great comments ---with lots to think about!! We all have strengths in something may be different but valued just the same.

Thanks Ted
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
I had to reflect--I was no jock--tried. In the neighborhood always the last person picked for the team. Played Townies and Little League and even Catholic school basketball. Many terrifying moments but some that put a smile on my face. I was in left field, day dreaming and I remember a ball coming my way--somehow miraculously it landed in my glove. I remember seeing my father who was the coach--a look of disbelief and joy. In 7th grade I was on the JV team at the school. I remember it was a free throw 2 for 1. The shooter on my team missed and the ball came my way and I threw it up and it went in. I was in shock and I think the team was more shocked than myself. Not a glorious athletic career. Later in life I realized it was not my calling. I just wanted to be like the other kids, not the one who went into the cellar with the priest. I have a few good memories of sports and those fleeting moments gave me joy and a sense I could belong. It was short lived.
 
One jock victory that I had, went to a church men's retreat. Played basketball. I must have been in my late twenties. I wanted to get along, and everyone was playing, so I decided to join in. Had no idea what I was doing, but had fun faking it. I ended up actually making a shot from the 3-point line. Everyone was in shock and suddenly I was the big Pro jock that everyone was looking up to.
 
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