Not a great day for me, but it's OK

Not a great day for me, but it's OK
G

Grunty1967b

Registrant
Well, this surprised me but probably not some of you other guys here. I WAS doing ok, but right now Im not doing that well. Ive been away for 2 weeks and missed my interaction at MS and couldnt wait to reconnect with my new friends here. I did that yesterday via some posts and chat. That was all good.

Then I woke up this morning, and felt like I had been through a washing machine on spin cycle. I dont mean at all that any posts I read or did caused me harm or pain, nor did my chat. What I suppose happened is that my thoughts were all brought back to my continuing recovery and the process of working through the pain and residual carnage that weighs down my mind. Although its not a fun zone to be living in, I know it is ultimately better than denial and running away but it still feels yuk.

I suppose if I can encourage at least one other person here by saying that I can have lots of great days, and then a bad one and that thats OK then I will have done some good for someone and that would be a good thing.

So, I know I will feel better and this process is a far greater thing that I do rather than the alternative.
 
Grunty,

Thats the rollercoaster I guess. I have had times like that too: I am fine for a bit, and then I go into meltdown and wonder what crazy idea made me think I can really do this.

You hit on a point that I have noted down. The alternative is denial and running away. Thanks for that one. It is so painfully clear, yes, but I had just never put it to myself in such sharp terms.

Take care,
Larry
 
I am no expert, nor shall I ever claim to be, but to me, reflecting on my own mood swings, it sounds like you were simply riding an emotional wave. I've personally discovered that whenever I try and fight it, it just gets worse. So, I just end up riding it and eventually I get back to my average mood. By average, I mean my regular good mood.

MR
 
I agree. It's a tough work. It's this roller coaster thing where I wake up some days wondering how this down, depressing day could have come from the good day I had the day before. But if I really look, I can usually tell what caused it. For me, this week, I did too much socially. I went to lunch with some people, went to dinner with some other people, and then I felt like crawling in the closet and never coming out. I gave a public speech Tuesday night, so yesterday I was exhausted, and today I'm having to fight acting out. I did too much. I need to slow down and spend time with the people who care about me, and then I'm OK.

Writing helps a lot. Putting all those swirling emotions down in black and white, and then hearing the support and caring from others keeps it real and keeps us connected. As long as I can stay away from my family's toxic denial, I'm OK.

Take care of yourself, take time for yourself. We're here for you.
 
Grunty - try writing a diary of how you feel.

I'm only about 18 months into 'really' dealing with this stuff (abused in late 1969).

When I first started dealing with it I had just about lost my marbles.

I wrote down tasks that I needed to do around the house (and did very few of them). Eventually I started doing them, because I wrote the list. As I got better I stopped looking at the list ( I should have continued until the house was perfect, but who's is).

What I am saying is that I needed some extra control to ensure that I didn't just sit and do nothing....eventually as things improved, I didn't need that control.

*Thinking hurts, but don't stop thinking!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
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What I am saying is that I needed some extra control to ensure that I didn't just sit and do nothing....eventually as things improved, I didn't need that control.
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Rick, thankyou for that. It helped me to snap into the fact that unless I do something like what you've suggested I could just end up sitting in the corner as a blubbering mess and have my whole life slide downwards.

I am feeling better now, and realising that life (for me) needs to go on, and I just need to try and 'manage' my recovery in sync with the rest of my life.

In fact, come to think of it, this may very well be a part of my ongoing life (my abuse recovery that is). Up till now, it was not a part of my life at all, and was SO in the back, dark corner of my mind, that is wasn't even there nor a problem.

Of course it was a problem, but I wanted to ignore it and say that it wasn't. And no, denial isn't a river in Egypt!
 
Grunty,

Ok, I'll tell you, what you said encourages me. I take 'mental health breaks' from here all the time, and sometime it is hard to come back and dive back into reading/posting full force again. But yes, I'm with you, I miss it when I am here, I miss the interaction, and I miss some of the people that I have no other means of communicating with.

Everything you do here, it is to reestablish control in your life, and your healing. I think you are doing a fine job, and recognizing when you are in denial is a good step to take from getting out of it. I still have it in some things, and I think it can be a good protection until we are ready to deal with those things.

Take good care of yourself, and keep coming back as you want/need to.

Leosha
 
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