Not a good day... Kind of a Journal Post
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Registrant
I have posted my story before so I won't post it again. So I regularly have moments of spiralling where my mind will go on crazy tangents where I almost get obsessive about what I'm thinking and think of every possible outcome and it gets worse and worse until I get myself into a state of bumbling like a baby in a ball at night. I want to message this because I have talked to others before in chat and in anonymous groups who have similar issues, in case anyone else is experiencing what I am and not understanding. Im not looking for pity or anything I just want to share that maybe someone else will recognise things before its too late for them
Today I walked away from a really good job application opportunity that I am 100% capable of and could thrive in. I made an excuse that it was got to do with my future career about trying to be hidden "long story". But in my head I saw that this job was front-facing and required, doing public talks, talks for radio and talks for TV shows, I've done public speaking before after years of forcing myself into it studying self-help stuff like Tony Robbins and more, but these are under a sudoname and not public, It has taken me years to be confident enough to be on stage for that. But in my head, my mind went oh TV appearance, what if the person who abused me sees it, they get jealous because I'm doing well now and maybe they aren't and want to make it worse for me, so they say the abuse was the other way around, no one would believe what he did to me, I will get arrested because no one will believe me because I didn't report it, I will go to prison and I will lose everything I worked in life, my truly loyal friends, family, starting exciting career and more.
My mind then just started spiralling, where I start blaming myself over and over again for everything, start convincing myself that I am the bad guy, that it would be better for the world if I wasn't in it. I know this is a really bad train of thought, very unhealthy train of thought, and I know I won't do anything because I know I have a life ahead of me, I have a purpose to be the person there for others who weren't for me, to be able to put my knowledge to use, there are people who need me. I just find it hard to stop it, I use grounding techniques to help this.
I haven't made my bed in maybe 8 weeks now or even more, I lost count, as much as I want to I dont have the motivation to. I will lay in bed for hours watching shows on Netflix because I just can't sleep, I'm scared of what il dream when I do, because iv been having terrible dreams of being chased by the person who assaulted me, or something else ridiculous
I am looking for a job, but I can't even get the motivation to scroll through LinkedIn to find work, life for some reason even though I know my work and I am well capable of it I constantly feel like its just been luck like I have been faking it this whole time, I cant seem to get any motivation to do anything at the moment, even gaming seems to be a drawl on me.
Although all that being said, I recognise the signs that I am in a hole and I am pulling myself out of it, I have friends who have issues, and I found myself being motivated saying I am stronger than this. Because we as human are stronger than anything, I am currently using PSTEC and self-hypnosis, along with audiobooks and re-watching Anthony Robbins to get myself out of this and I know it will get better, but I felt I needed to post this journal here for both myself and others.
One day I hope to be someone like Anthony Robbins the man has helped me so much and he will never know, But I hope one day I can help people as much he has helped me.
The final message, sorry for the Long post
Today I walked away from a really good job application opportunity that I am 100% capable of and could thrive in. I made an excuse that it was got to do with my future career about trying to be hidden "long story". But in my head I saw that this job was front-facing and required, doing public talks, talks for radio and talks for TV shows, I've done public speaking before after years of forcing myself into it studying self-help stuff like Tony Robbins and more, but these are under a sudoname and not public, It has taken me years to be confident enough to be on stage for that. But in my head, my mind went oh TV appearance, what if the person who abused me sees it, they get jealous because I'm doing well now and maybe they aren't and want to make it worse for me, so they say the abuse was the other way around, no one would believe what he did to me, I will get arrested because no one will believe me because I didn't report it, I will go to prison and I will lose everything I worked in life, my truly loyal friends, family, starting exciting career and more.
My mind then just started spiralling, where I start blaming myself over and over again for everything, start convincing myself that I am the bad guy, that it would be better for the world if I wasn't in it. I know this is a really bad train of thought, very unhealthy train of thought, and I know I won't do anything because I know I have a life ahead of me, I have a purpose to be the person there for others who weren't for me, to be able to put my knowledge to use, there are people who need me. I just find it hard to stop it, I use grounding techniques to help this.
I haven't made my bed in maybe 8 weeks now or even more, I lost count, as much as I want to I dont have the motivation to. I will lay in bed for hours watching shows on Netflix because I just can't sleep, I'm scared of what il dream when I do, because iv been having terrible dreams of being chased by the person who assaulted me, or something else ridiculous
I am looking for a job, but I can't even get the motivation to scroll through LinkedIn to find work, life for some reason even though I know my work and I am well capable of it I constantly feel like its just been luck like I have been faking it this whole time, I cant seem to get any motivation to do anything at the moment, even gaming seems to be a drawl on me.
Although all that being said, I recognise the signs that I am in a hole and I am pulling myself out of it, I have friends who have issues, and I found myself being motivated saying I am stronger than this. Because we as human are stronger than anything, I am currently using PSTEC and self-hypnosis, along with audiobooks and re-watching Anthony Robbins to get myself out of this and I know it will get better, but I felt I needed to post this journal here for both myself and others.
One day I hope to be someone like Anthony Robbins the man has helped me so much and he will never know, But I hope one day I can help people as much he has helped me.
The final message, sorry for the Long post
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