Not a good day... Kind of a Journal Post

blankspace

Registrant
I have posted my story before so I won't post it again. So I regularly have moments of spiralling where my mind will go on crazy tangents where I almost get obsessive about what I'm thinking and think of every possible outcome and it gets worse and worse until I get myself into a state of bumbling like a baby in a ball at night. I want to message this because I have talked to others before in chat and in anonymous groups who have similar issues, in case anyone else is experiencing what I am and not understanding. Im not looking for pity or anything I just want to share that maybe someone else will recognise things before its too late for them

Today I walked away from a really good job application opportunity that I am 100% capable of and could thrive in. I made an excuse that it was got to do with my future career about trying to be hidden "long story". But in my head I saw that this job was front-facing and required, doing public talks, talks for radio and talks for TV shows, I've done public speaking before after years of forcing myself into it studying self-help stuff like Tony Robbins and more, but these are under a sudoname and not public, It has taken me years to be confident enough to be on stage for that. But in my head, my mind went oh TV appearance, what if the person who abused me sees it, they get jealous because I'm doing well now and maybe they aren't and want to make it worse for me, so they say the abuse was the other way around, no one would believe what he did to me, I will get arrested because no one will believe me because I didn't report it, I will go to prison and I will lose everything I worked in life, my truly loyal friends, family, starting exciting career and more.

My mind then just started spiralling, where I start blaming myself over and over again for everything, start convincing myself that I am the bad guy, that it would be better for the world if I wasn't in it. I know this is a really bad train of thought, very unhealthy train of thought, and I know I won't do anything because I know I have a life ahead of me, I have a purpose to be the person there for others who weren't for me, to be able to put my knowledge to use, there are people who need me. I just find it hard to stop it, I use grounding techniques to help this.

I haven't made my bed in maybe 8 weeks now or even more, I lost count, as much as I want to I dont have the motivation to. I will lay in bed for hours watching shows on Netflix because I just can't sleep, I'm scared of what il dream when I do, because iv been having terrible dreams of being chased by the person who assaulted me, or something else ridiculous

I am looking for a job, but I can't even get the motivation to scroll through LinkedIn to find work, life for some reason even though I know my work and I am well capable of it I constantly feel like its just been luck like I have been faking it this whole time, I cant seem to get any motivation to do anything at the moment, even gaming seems to be a drawl on me.

Although all that being said, I recognise the signs that I am in a hole and I am pulling myself out of it, I have friends who have issues, and I found myself being motivated saying I am stronger than this. Because we as human are stronger than anything, I am currently using PSTEC and self-hypnosis, along with audiobooks and re-watching Anthony Robbins to get myself out of this and I know it will get better, but I felt I needed to post this journal here for both myself and others.

One day I hope to be someone like Anthony Robbins the man has helped me so much and he will never know, But I hope one day I can help people as much he has helped me.


The final message, sorry for the Long post
 
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Hey @blankspace. You are doing the right thing in sharing here. This reads a lot like depression, and that is really hard to deal with. Hold on, man. The night won’t last forever. The morning sun WILL come. Just hang on. I see you, I hear you and I don’t care if your bed is made. I’m so glad you’re here.
 

blankspace

Registrant
@Mick74 thanks for your message, I didn't know if posting it was appropriate in this section, but I felt it was important for others to see they weren't alone as well. I have friends who deal with depression, I have seen how they act, I know it's not depression I know it sounds a lot like it but, I dont feel depressed because I know it will get better, I dont feel like it won't, I also have good days even good weeks where I feel good and feel I am in a good mood, I am strong enough to pull through this and anything else that I face.

I think it's more the isolation with covid draws some of these emotions out of me, kills my motivation to do anything. Although covid has been both a godsend and a hindrance, As I choose to work on everything in me over covid. I have been doing Lots of meditation, self-hypnosis, PESTEC and even using subliminal audio tracks while I sleep. From reading the forum posts in the Subliminal Clubs forums, it seems like the mental state I had while writing that last night is almost normal as what I'm doing is drawing out all the bad I locked away in my mind, everything I have bottled up, so I can face it straight on, deal with it and get over it and the hypnosis is helping me get over it, it has helped me a lot already.

So this post is here as a thing I can look back in a few months time and see I've already come so far even to know that I am talking about things a little more openly, even tho I am still having issues
 
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@Mick74
So this post is here as a thing I can look back in a few months time and see I've already come so far even to know that I am talking about things a little more openly, even tho I am still having issues
that makes a lot of sense. I’m glad you can see the new dawn ahead and that you are not overwhelmed with depression. What we went through (go through) is traumatic. I think you are wise to give yourself mile mikers to help you see growth and progress.
 
I agree with Mick74. What you described sounded like depression to me, but I am no expert. I think you made a wise choice for a number of reasons, especially for future reference.
 
Actually, your post is a powerful reminder of how destabilizing sexual trauma can be for us. The mental obsession, the fear of being found by the perpetrator, the terror of where being found out would leave you... in prison. Shame looms so huge for survivors. We work extremely hard to prove we are capable. We need to be perfect so no one can find fault with us but perfectionism inevitably leads to procrastination since we'll never succeed in being perfect. And so we collapse in on ourselves and distract ourselves in a thousand and one ways. We feel like a fraud. But the truth is simply that we carry the residue of trauma. Nothing that happened before, during or after the trauma was our fault. So we're finding compassion for ourselves and learning how to care for ourselves. For me that involves hanging up clothes in the evening, making my bed in the morning, then washing dishes left in the sink as I make a pot of tea... simple things to care for myself. Be gentle with yourself and remember that your capacity to care for yourself is developed through simple actions you take... when you're able to take them. Honestly, there is no blankspace here... there is a survivor of trauma doing his best. I support that without reservation.
 

blankspace

Registrant
Actually, your post is a powerful reminder of how destabilizing sexual trauma can be for us. The mental obsession, the fear of being found by the perpetrator, the terror of where being found out would leave you... in prison. Shame looms so huge for survivors. We work extremely hard to prove we are capable. We need to be perfect so no one can find fault with us but perfectionism inevitably leads to procrastination since we'll never succeed in being perfect. And so we collapse in on ourselves and distract ourselves in a thousand and one ways. We feel like a fraud. But the truth is simply that we carry the residue of trauma. Nothing that happened before, during or after the trauma was our fault. So we're finding compassion for ourselves and learning how to care for ourselves. For me that involves hanging up clothes in the evening, making my bed in the morning, then washing dishes left in the sink as I make a pot of tea... simple things to care for myself. Be gentle with yourself and remember that your capacity to care for yourself is developed through simple actions you take... when you're able to take them. Honestly, there is no blankspace here... there is a survivor of trauma doing his best. I support that without reservation.
Thank your for your kind words, You were right about the name at the end the reason I chose Blankspace as a name was because when I originally joined I felt like a blank space like I was just a void sucking life, that has slowly changed, but like yesterday I still have off days that I am working through. Today so far has been a good day, one day at a time is the only way. Like my dad always said one thing a day and eventually, it will all add up to something, today I packed a couple of moving boxes, its a start
 
And I lost out on an opportunity to get a Covid vaccine simply because I didn't respond to the email alerting me to the possibility right away. When I was able to act I got another email that said... sorry... next time we'll contact you. I have all my recurring bills on autopay simply because I procrastinate. Small steps help... glad you filled a few moving boxes. As they say "Rome wasn't built in a day..." Neither is a trauma survivor's life.
 

blankspace

Registrant
There will be. The world will always need workers of some sort. Take some time for self-care, man.
hopefully, then I can get out of here, away from the bad memories of here. I am planning to completely move country get a fresh start away from the place it happened in. It's only getting that job which is holding me back right now


And I lost out on an opportunity to get a Covid vaccine simply because I didn't respond to the email alerting me to the possibility right away. When I was able to act I got another email that said... sorry... next time we'll contact you. I have all my recurring bills on autopay simply because I procrastinate. Small steps help... glad you filled a few moving boxes. As they say "Rome wasn't built in a day..." Neither is a trauma survivor's life.
Day by day, but dont worry you will get an opportunity to get it again, they're pushing it out for everyone to get it. Just stay safe till you can... got a little more done today even went for a walk and started learning a new programing language
 
Thanks... I'm one of the old folks who is high on the list, so I expect it will happen soon. A friend said my HMO is scheduling Covid vaccines but when I visited online the system was down. Another friend said she waited on line from 7 a.m. til noon before she got through. I'm not that desperate.

And yesterday I dragged these old bones up and down trails for four and a half miles in a nearby watershed. YES... time spent outside is rejuvenating for sure. Hang in there.
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
You are certainly not alone but I came across a passage in a Cozy Murder Mystery I read today:

“Awful-izing happens when negative thinking overrules good sense. When you ‘awful-ize’ you conjure up the worst possible outcome as the result of a seriously skewed—and flawed—perspective.”

“Most of our worries will never come to pass. When we ‘awful-I’ve ’ we quit living in the moment” pages50-51, “All Washed Up” by Joanna Slan

pretty powerful thought for a throw away read...and reinforces why mindfulness can be so very important for me as a survivor to break obsessive negative thinking as well as survive the flashbacks and body memories.
 

blankspace

Registrant
You are certainly not alone but I came across a passage in a Cozy Murder Mystery I read today:

“Awful-izing happens when negative thinking overrules good sense. When you ‘awful-ize’ you conjure up the worst possible outcome as the result of a seriously skewed—and flawed—perspective.”

“Most of our worries will never come to pass. When we ‘awful-I’ve ’ we quit living in the moment” pages50-51, “All Washed Up” by Joanna Slan

pretty powerful thought for a throwaway read...and reinforces why mindfulness can be so very important for me as a survivor to break obsessive negative thinking as well as survive the flashbacks and body memories.
That is pretty powerful, another one I heard is similar can't remember where "The Grave Yard is the richest place because it is full of all the good ideas that no one made happened or talked themselves out of"

Thats the kind of quote I force myself into thinking. The obsessive negative thinking is something that I seem to get a lot, and its only ever since I came to an understanding that happened to me and how it affects me. I am trying to work on it and work through. For example tonight I stream on twitch a game with some friends, then after I freaked out for a minute thinking what if he saw my stream, he heard me talk he knows where I am, and tries to come for me so I won't tell anyone or does something to my family, I fought it a little more tonight to try stop from letting my mind spiral to much from the thought but it is tough going.

in a selfish kinda way because I dont wish it on anyone, it helps a little to know that what I'm going through others have too that its not just me and if yall can do it so can I, if that makes any sense at all
 
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