normal? not for me!

normal? not for me!
S

shadowkid

WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shado
is it just me or are we all striving for something that just isn't what it,s cracked up to be? i have been dealing with the so called normal people around me and what i have found is i don't ever want to be
"normal" ,if you look closely at these normal ,well adjusted people ,you will see ,people who are paranoid ,who look for hidden meanings in everything ,who trust no one including themselves,who think that everyone themselves in particular have some hidden agenda for everything they do ,they are cold ,uncaring untrustworthy they have no faith in their own god yet every sunday they attend church ,not for the feeling of being close to god ,but because they know that they are not living in the way god intended ,but they can go to church ,be forgiven ,and spend the next week doing the same things they seek forgivness for on sunday,do they believe that it's ok to be mean and jelous and spitefull ,thinking only of themselves ,then be given a new start every sunday?they take something good and twist it into something that has hidden meanings that only they can see,they turn away anyone who they see as different ,show only suspicion for people with good intentions ,they mask their problems with drugs and alcohol,they are cold and indifferent to their own children ,they worry more about their image in the eyes of others than they worry about their children .they are driven by money and the competion with those around them ,they only show emotion when it can benifit themselves ,they are too busy making it to see what goes on around them and too selfcentered to care ,when it comes to things like abuse they say things like wow thats bad ,but could we please change the subject ,you know what i think, being normal should be on the list of things we need to work on ,so we never become normal .maybe instead of being not normal ,we really were normal that is what brought us here ,maybe the effects of being normal are just as bad as the effects of abuse ,maybe worse . the point is by being in a place lkie this we have a chance to be better than normal because we recognize our problems and short commings and are working to resolve our problems ,but you know what ,the normal people dont even see that they have problems ,we think that as survivors we are hiding from our problems ,but at least our hearts and eyes are open ,i feel so sorry for the "normal people " cause they dont even know they have a problem.maybe we with all our fears and feelings of confusion have been forced into a place where people care about each other ,care about those who may be in our position ,want to give of ourselves with no though of reward,who cry because we feel, not because it looks good to others ,who trust and can be trusted ,who truly care about our fellow men ,they may be normal ,but we are real ,we are people who no longer hide behind the mask of normalcy,we are better than normal.we can be trusted ,we can trust each other ,so i'll pass when the normal train rolls by .i've said it before but it is so true ,we are the normal ones the rest of the damn world is crazy ,thank all of you for helping me see this ,i just want to heal but i never want to be normal if it means loosing all the things that made us kind compassionate people .to me normal means blind to everything including the good ,normal means taking advantage of anyone who we percieve as weak ,ridiculing anyone who shows true emotion,seeing kindness as weakness .damn those people need help!! adam
 
Adam,First of all, I'll say what everyone in the world says: "There is no normal". It's right after they say this that these people look around themselves and thank God that, even though there is no "normal", they are more "normal" than all the other "not normal" people in the world.

It is true. The people here at MS are incredible. I have said over and over that the men here are what men were created to be, and somehow the world got it all confused and taught men to be that other image that's out there in society. I truly think that the things that have happened to each one of us have stripped away that false conception of "maleness" and allowed/forced us to become more loving, caring, kind, sensitive....all those things that have been called feminine attributes, but are not feminine at all....merely the best qualities given to all human beings. Society has felt it necessary to put us into categories. It makes it easier to make assumptions....much easier to live without actually thinking. The absolute selfishness and cruelty of our abusers has allowed us a sort of sixth sense in seeking out recognizing and appreciating kindness and caring in others. We have learned that we have to both receive it and give it in order to heal.

I think that's true of any life experience. Once something has happened in your life, you have a need to help others who have the same thing happening in theirs. You understand the difficulties they face, and you hope that what you have been through can be of help to them.

Don't give up on all people, Adam. There are good "normal" people out there. You find them sometimes in very unusual places. As we know only too well, judging a book by its cover is very dangerous. How many of us have been abused by pilars of the community? But good people are out there. We have to be especially careful of who to trust, because we can be devastated so easily. Each betrayal seems to send us spinning right back to the betrayal of our abusers and causes us to relive that horrible violation of trust all over again. Sometimes it just seems not worth the effort to try to trust again. The risk is too great.

I, personally, haven't been able to find anyone to trust out there with all my secrets....secrets which I find to be horrible, but which aren't really horrible at all. The only people I have really been able to confide in completely are either here, or men I have met on recovery week-ends and in support groups. I trust them...let down my walls, because I know they understand.

But I haven't given up. I know some wonderful people out there. I know that, should something happen to me, they would be at my side in a second to help me. You're good, Adam. Someone found you. That man whose hand you held had no idea you weren't a "normal" person. He only knew that you were kind and caring and could be trusted. Lately, I have been trying to see all men that way. If one in four men has been abused, then there are a lot of men I meet every day who are just like me, but we are all afraid to be who we are.

Too much talk I know, Adam. But you are so sensitive and so good and so kind, and I just don't want to see you give up the world...not yet anyway. You have too much to offer it....so much life ahead of you. Life has been so unkind to you and yet you have survived. You are very strong. Don't let the "normal" people change who you are.

Love, Bobby
 
Adam,

Your post is full of great observations. I would only chime in with Bobby and say that there ARE great people out there. There really are.

Have you seen the thread on being normal that was running a few months ago? It really had a lot of great things in it, more or less along the lines you suggest - that "normal" isn't a real category we should worry about too much.

Much love,
Larry
 
Adam,

I brought the thread that Larry refers to back up in the Off Topic area.

Regards,

Zipser
 
thanks zips, john your a buckeye too? cool adam
 
Thanks Zipser! I really could not think of how I would even search for that one. Glad you were able to refloat it.

Larry
 
Duplicate post. ????? (shrug) first time I've managed to do this. Can't figure it out any better than when some of you did it.
 
Bravo Adam. That is one of the most powerful posts I've read here in a while. Thanks.

Lots of love,

John
 
You know I will have to use an analogy here, your post about normal and how some people cant feel and the like, means this to me in regards to survivors:

How would anyone ever know how good it feels to feel good if they never experienced pain or the flu. In our situation, we have experienced trauma and like the flu it lets us see how fortunate some people are but it also lets us see the absence of thanfulness on their part. We are more prone to be aware of others, be truthful, be kind and compassionate because we know all too well what it feels like to have all of that taken away, so we respect it more than the normal.

Thanks for sharing, thanks for all of you guys.
 
Adam,

Yep, I am a Buckeye too, and proud of it.

The other guys are making very good comments.

My view is that we often believe that 90% of people are normal, while the rest are not. The post on what is normal is very good. I continue to find that this is not true. Far fewer are what I would call normal, and like you I am not sure I want to meet the general definition.

Yet, there are good folks out there. You gotta find them and hang with them. Maybe it is child-like, but I do what I think kids do: watch what others do and to measure what they say. It does seem we live in a dysfunctional society which is why Jerry Springer, etc. get so much play on TV. There is nothing better than watching something like that and saying to yourself, "Well, at least I am not them. Then, I would really be screwed up."

You have to let people be who they are, and for me, that means ignoring the jerks.

I read your post on staying in the hospital with your neighbor. What a wonderful act of kindness! What a brave selfless thing to do! You have to be who you are too Adam. It sounds like you a are a warm-hearted, kind, and caring person. Don't let anybody change that for you. Your goodness might just tipping the balance of power in this world. We need more just like you. I hope somebody shows me that much kindness as I leave this world and enter the great void. As U2 says, "Don't let the bastards get you down."

Keep cool and GO BUCKS!


By the way, I travel all over that state, and maybe I have seen you somewhere.
 
Adam,

I'm with you bro, I don't want to be normal either. So lets just be abnormal and happy.

Love ya

Darrel
 
While growing up, the thought that there was such a thing as normal caused me a great amount of pain. I wanted to be normal like everybody else, but my abuser made that impossible. While my abused,shamed and distorted self began trying to adapt and become normal, others were simply being; normal was not something they had to strive for. I tried harder than any of the normal people to be normal and the act of trying made it impossible to be normal. I'm now trying to accept and embrace my own and others abnormalities and dysfunctions. Normal is boring, and its a made up place of safety that for years I so wanted to hide in.
 
Kid A,

Your post here made me think a lot - thanks for your thoughts on wanting to be normal.

I wonder if as kids we didn't all worry about being "normal", in the sense that all children seeks so badly to "fit in". No one wants to be "different", because that immediately threatens the possibility of being excluded.

So I wonder who the "normal" kids would have been in the first place. And in that sense I would agree with you when you say that "normal" is a "made up place of safety". I like the idea of thinking of it as a place - a place with no one in it!

Much love,
Larry
 
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