Non-binary Gender: A contemplation:
[For the record, though I am trying to be respectful, I may inadvertently say things here that others find offensive or politically incorrect. Please know it's surely not my intention to offend. However, in a world where an act of simple, heart-felt kindness can be considered offensive or insulting (WTF?), and as much as I try to avoid conflict of any kind, I can't always predict what will be a touchy subject or terminology to whom. I surely don't know all the rules and etiquette of various social or cultural contexts. This sharing is just part of my self-inquiry and self-discovery and hopefully healing process. I sincerely hope it will be received in that light. If not, please pardon my ignorance. Thank you in advance for your understanding and consideration.]
I just discovered a new term associated with gender identity: Non-binary It's one of many ways of describing gender that seems to fit me. I also read a different, more comprehensive definition of transgender which may also apply. I was inspired to explore after reading someone's recent forum posts regarding the challenge finding suitable support groups. Having experienced the same basic challenge, I could relate. Though the topic was about something else, I appreciate the inadvertent nudge.
In my case, these various definitions, even the discussion itself, is fairly new to me. Finding a place to fit, a place where I feel I belong, is a more or less lifelong (and never entirely satisfactory) quest. It's looked like different things at different times over the years, in and out of a recovery context.
Based on the rather long, impressive list of possible labels, non-binary seems most accurate. I describe myself as a lesbian in a male body. NO offense to lesbians or anyone else. I'm just trying to make sense of myself. It seems having a label I can relate to helps. It's a place to stand, a wall to lean on, a circle within which I may find myself. My T has heard other men refer to their inner lesbian. So that's some comfort though the probability of ever actually discussing such matters face to face with them seems highly unlikely.
Not that I would have the courage to disclose this self-concept to just anyone myself. A current and previous partner, my T, just those I think could relate and accept, or at least able to consider the potential validity, like those on this forum. Though I can appreciate those who are, I could never be an activist type. You won't see me at any rally or parade. I'm certainly not trying to prove any point, stand out, or draw attention to myself. I just want to understand. I want to clarify. I want to make sense of myself and the world I'm in and find a place, if one exists, where I more or less fit. I really just want to relate. Until recently, I've been more or less convinced that no such place exists.
Of course, this entire line of thought also begs the question, is this really about gender identity or consequences of abuse? I certainly never felt I belonged anywhere as a kid. More like a stranger in a strange land, an anomaly, the only one of my kind. Am definitely not alone in that regard.
I am, indeed, a multi-faceted being. From my perspective, there are many me's. Yes, even wondered for a while if I had DID. If so, not by the strictest definition. But I can have an inner child with a name, so why not an inner woman/lesbian? I do and she does. And I adore her. I love the way she feels. Her personality is very different from what I'm used to thinking of as me or what anyone else sees. Maybe this is her introduction, a pre-coming out for someone precious to me. It's kind of a big deal to admit she exists. And yet she, maybe far more than me, deserves a voice. She may be far more functional. She's certainly more vibrant, alive, and expressive when she's up... and with a confident, mischievous streak I admire... and maybe fear a bit. Perhaps she exists much in the same way characters can take on a life of their own in a writer's imagination. And maybe that's still denial of the real situation.
I think people are like jars of marbles: different sizes, colors/shades, blends all representing various traits, talents, interests, beliefs. It's highly unlikely that all my marbles will match all of someone else's. Seems unreasonable to expect that. However, some of mine are bound to match someone's, somewhere. So the question becomes, do I notice ... or admit it? Do they? Do I have enough blue marbles or red or green to match someone in a meaningful way, to matter to someone who has same or complimentary colors? Gotta take that on a case by case basis, I guess.
So, setting aside the question of whether my perspective is influenced by prior abuse, which may or may not be relevant, what does it mean to me to be this non-binary lesbian in a male body? Well, I'm not really sure. If you saw me/us in public you'd probably have to look hard to notice. I wouldn't stand out, just an ordinary guy in ordinary clothes doing ordinary stuff. However, you might also find me the only male body in a circle of women comfortably chatting about girl stuff around a dining table or in a discussion group. (No, I don't generally refer to women as girls.) You would not find me in a bar watching a football game. You wouldn't find me anywhere watching any sports. So if I have to go into what is generally characterized as guy territory, a mechanic shop for example, I have to fake it when they ask if I saw the latest game. I do have what my generation and cultural conditioning generally characterizes as guy interests: gardening and woodworking, for example.
I don't like shopping but I drool over tools like the next guy. And I get off on being the fixer and in my context, am darn good at it. Redneck engineer par excellence! But you won't find me standing around with the guys, belching, farting and scratching my ass, bragging about my newest tools or latest project. You MIGHT find me openly appreciating an attractive woman singer or dancer with a lesbian friend. Like me, at least in my experience, she isn't going to be crude about it.
Being in this male body, I don't often get the chance, but when interacting with lesbian friends, a little butchy to deliciously femme, is when I most wish this body was female about 5'6 to 5'8 and half my current weight. What other chance would I ever have to express what I routinely feel? A tender touch. Sentiment-saturated hand holding. A comforting, friendly hug. To allow that female body to passionately experience and deftly express a symphonic spectrum of exquisite feelings, octaves beyond the stereotypical male's apparent capacity; to be seen, known, and accepted for having such feelings! Heavenly!!! Otherwise, I feel no particular inclination to change this body. This body is not me. It is a vehicle that houses and transports me. My biggest regret is that others with whom I have felt a distinct resonance, others with whom I have sensed great relationship potential in one form or another, are prejudiced by this body and never allow us the chance to get acquainted. Can't say I haven't done the same in some ways but these days, I try to catch myself before those automatic triggers and prejudices take complete control.
Not only am I empathic but highly sensitive as well. If you interact with me personally, you'll find that I tend to hear and process input and express perspectives in an emotion-oriented context. Like often associated with women, I prefer to talk things out, NOT get how to fix it feedback unless I specifically ask (one of my pet peeves is unsolicited advice), and am an excellent listener, emotionally adept with a nimble mind who can be present, compassionate, and understanding.
I tend to avoid interacting with males generally, especially those exhibiting the stereotypical macho traits. Perhaps that's because I find those traits disturbing. Just as likely, it's because they seem unreal to me a mask they don't know they wear, a role they don't know they play. I have a hard time dealing with cognitive dissonance. Yet I can admire (and admit it) the appearance of a male body as easily as a female's. Though what I consider handsome/beautiful may not always fit the standard definition. I don't find myself sexually attracted by appearance anyway but I have no sexual attraction to male bodies, even if I feel a resonance with the people inside them in one way or another. Is that my nature? Or my conditioning? At this point, other matters are more pressing to explore. In my humble opinion, if someone actually feels attracted solely to a body, they are not seeing the person. In which case, I'd argue that what they are feeling isn't really attraction, at least not by my definition.
I find it rather disconcerting that gender identity seems associated with sexual preference. How is it that who one is should be defined by who they want sex with? In my view, this has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with essence or personality. To me, people are people independent of the body we wear. A human mind or its conditioning may associate a particular image, body type, etc., with sexual interest, but for me at least, arousal/ attraction arises from something far deeper, more essential to one's nature and being. Body type and appearance are secondary, though seemingly relevant. I still think it's my own mind's association of physical appearance with some emotional resonance, some fundamental correlation of personality traits, that defines who I think of as attractive.
So here I am, sorta kinda, at least in part, a sometimes confusing, seemingly contradictory collection of traits and interests that perhaps defies true definition. Am I Jay or Gina? Both or neither? Either way, the exploration continues. Someday I may conclude that no definition, no label, is possible or necessary. I am just me. We are just me. I just am. I suppose only time will tell.....
PS: Given that I posted this, anxiety-provoking though it is ("god" help me), if anyone can relate even a little to anything shared above, would certainly welcome your comments.
