no screams, no stoping it, very bad bad post, bad dreams and body feelings

no screams, no stoping it, very bad bad post, bad dreams and body feelings
L

Leosha

Registrant
I start to try sleep small some tonight, i am being uncomfortable most of night, the feelings in body and and head make me crazy, i feel my body is dead and waiting for me to come to it. I fall sleep sitting up at living room, watch the tv, and have bad bad dream of something he do at me one day, first time he make this go all the far point, to the maximum of the sexual abuse, and I wake up and can not breathe, my chest is so heavy and tight, I can not raise my head, it weights 500 pounds, I can not even open my eyes, because I know if i keep them closed I can tell myself it is not real, but if I open my eyes, I know that I will look up and his face will be there just over mine, he will be laughing at me and be so real, and I will die, I know that is what will happen. i feel ican not move, I try kicking my feet and I can not move them, and I feel him, his hands on me, he hold me down with one hand around my neck, he is preparing himself for me with other hand, he is try to make me do something sexual at him, and I do not want to, i finally say no, i can not do it what he want me to do, I am choking and he has both hands on my throat, he is hitting my head on the floor, and then he push me back down, push me on my stomach, and I kick up at him, and try to crawl from him, he grabs me and I hit him, and then he ties me, he ties my arms to the feet of his desk chair so I can not use my arms or hands to get away from him, and he is on top of me, and I hear him in my ear, telling me I am little faggot basterd, to not f___ with him or he show me what is it to f___with someone, he will do that, he is on top of me and inside of me I feel I am breaking apart total, I try at screaming, he puts hand on back of my head, push my head into floor, he is hitting back of my head while he do this, I feel bleeding of my face and back where he is on me, I throw up while he do this and he is push my head in it more. When he is done and he is not on me now, I try kicking at him and I open mouth again to scream and he punches me in face and stomach, he is not done at me yet, he comes back up at me, he shoving at my face again, I am throwing up again and he is laughing, he makes me lie in it until he is done at me. He tell me that no one will ever listen at me if I say these things, that i am lying piece of s___ and no one listen to nasty bad s___ boy over him, and no one believe me because i am fat and ugly basterd, i am such s___ kid that my own father hate me, hurt me. I can not get his face out of head, I can not get his voice away from me, i need to get his voice from far in my head, try to make myself hurt so i do not hear him in my head, I do not work that well, he is still there, I feel his hands on me, they on my throat to choke me dead, can not stop shaking, need so much to go away from my head, get away from my body that does this at me, I hear and smell and feel and taste him at me, can not do this bad thoughts, he will win me this one, he is stronger and has power of me. I go crazy, I do not know waht I do. I am sorry, I try hard at be safe.

Leosha
 
Leosha, these are terrible memories you have described. It is most important that you get proper and appropriate therapy from a professional. You need to get your rest and not be haunted by these memories and visions. Fortunately, you are giving a voice to the ugliness that your perpetrator visited upon you, and in time, and with therapy, the immediacy of the pain will subside. I urge you to take the pain and memories and put them aside, in a place where they can't hurt you; not to ignore them, but to assure they don't destroy your ability to live day to day . Move on with your life. Remember, the abuse you endured is only a small part of what is you. At some point, I would think it might be appropriate to formally report this coach to the appropriate authorities. He should be stopped before he can hurt other young athletes. Take care. Peace, Andrew
 
Leosha,

You have survived a horrible thing. It was not your fault. You are not to blame. I hope you get some help dealing with this soon. I am glad you posted.

Take care,
Freedom.
 
Leosha
that was probably one of the bravest things you've ever done, and one of the most powerful.

You've smashed the secret.

He tell me that no one will ever listen at me if I say these things, that i am lying piece of s___ and no one listen to nasty bad s___ boy over him, and no one believe me because i am fat and ugly basterd, i am such s___ kid that my own father hate me, hurt me.
Click to expand...
Has any of that happened ? no, and I dont think it ever will.
They lied to us Leosha, they promised all kinds of terrible things would happen if we broke the secrets, and I don't know of anyone who broke the secret and had all the shit they told us happen.

I know how I felt the first time I told my story, to a therapist.
I was so emotionally charged I could barely talk, but I went away feeling good, I'd unloaded a pile of shit I'd carried for 30 years and two things happened. Firstly the bad things didn't happen, and secondly somebody believed and understood me.

It's only the start I'm afraid, but it's a damn good start and I know you can build on it, you're a competitor - you have a competitive instinct - so go for it like you have to win !

Dave
 
Leosha, I am saddened that you are re-living all this torture. Some of what you describe is similar to the abuse I had. I was beaten badly before, during and after the rapes and then strangled until I nearly died. I was forced to do things I did not want to do. I felt there was nothing I could do to protect myself or to get away, because he had the power to harm me even more or to make it seem like I forced him to do these things to me.

In America we use a special term for what you are going through: it is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What happened to you, Leosha, is that you were traumatised. All of us were in one way or another.

I will tell you some things that have helped me. Maybe they will help you. I just share my experience, I am not a therapist.

We need to replace in our minds the terrible lies told us and the hateful things said to us. We do that by what we call affirmations.

Here is an example or two. When you wake up frightened, say things like this: "I am a man and not a boy anymore." "I am safe in America and he cannot harm me now." "I am strong and can protect myself now." "He cannot hurt me anymore." "I am 23 years old, I am not a child now."

During the times you are trying to just relax, try to tell yourself things like this: "I am a fine young man." "I am a successful man." "I am a good person." "I have lots of men who care for me because I am a really good man." It may also help you to say things such as: "I have a good, strong, body." "I am an attractive athlete." "Lots of people say I am a strong, courageous man." "I really like who I am."

These things are meant to replace the damned lies that your abuser told you.

When you wake up and feel like you are going crazy and you can't breathe etc. you are probably having a panic attack. We almost all have had them and many of us still have them. At those times, try to force yourself to take slow and deep breaths--like you do when you are preparing to perform. Take those breaths for a minute or two, and then, breath normally. Make sure you do not take short shallow breaths--that is what makes us get afraid. Our brain needs lots of good air to work best.

You might want to try to tense and then relax all of your muscles. Start with your feet and work to your head, OR start with your head and work to your feet.
There are some audio tapes that you can get, Leosha, to help you do this.

Then there is something that really helps me, it is called visualization. There are wonderful audio tapes for this as well--you can get them through hospitals that have mental health clinics, or even from the Mental Health Association where you live. They do not cost very much.

Just to give you an idea, I will write a visualization I use. It is about a real place, a safe place for me to go to. If I cannot actually go there, I do so in my mind.

Try to picture this if you can. You are in a small and very beautiful park that runs along a huge lake, a lake as big as a sea. There are lots of flowers there and you can smell their pleasant fragrance. You look out at the lake and you cannot see the other side of the lake. Sea gulls are flying lazily over head. The waves are small, just about three feet high. You look down upon the shore from a safe place above the lake and watch the waves splash on the huge rocks there. They make a wonderful sound that is very relaxing to you. There are a few men and women sunbathing on the shore. You can smell the fresh water and the wind is in your face, but it is gentle, yet it goes through your clothes and you feel very fresh. You are aware that off to the side there is a small group of children with their parents playing on a small play yard. You delight in the giggles of little children having fun. As you look out at the lake you feel very calm, very happy and very safe.

After a little while, in your mind, begin to think about where you actually are. Try to be aware of the temperature in the room, the lighting, any sounds or smells that you like and tell yourself that you are happy to be there.

Things like this really do help us. Most of us have used some or all of these when we were feeling just like you.

It helps to tell yourself that you are not crazy and you are not going crazy, you are fully in control and you can make the fear go away. because the fear is from the past and you are in the present and you are SAFE.

I hope some of this helps Leosha. It is the best I can do until you get with a therapist who can help you.

Leosha, it is important for you to know that some of us have had very similar things happen to us and the person who hurt us said some of the same things to us. You are not alone in this and you are not worse off, nor different, than the rest of us. You are just in a really difficult time today, but you are not alone, and it will get much better.

Peace to you friend.

Bob
 
Leosha,

I cringe and cry to see you relive your terror. Let us make a protective circle around you. Coming here and beginning, probably for the first time, to allow yourself to indulge in reflection of these events, opens up a floodgate of horrific memories. All of the pain that you held inside for so long is now all gushing forth at once, and seems to have no where to go. Just hold on, and things will subside. You are already on your path to being well.

I resonate with your experience. I was raped with a knife at my throat by a terrible creature. He overpowered me, and forced me to comply to anal sex. He took me from behind and all I could do was suffer the thrusts and wait for the knife to come plunging down into my back. It was luck that my maniac was not a murderer. But he pounded me so hard that blood and feces poured out of me, and when he was done got up and left, took the items that I had just purchased and walked away! I was left to the moment, clothes ripped and covered in excrement. I had to go home that way. I am so ashamed even today 30 years later.

In order to survive this event I had to supress it, and wasted many many moments, days and years of my life hiding in the fear that was generated by that experience. You do not have to hide! You have a safe place to be; even though we cannot be with you physically, we are with you in your heart, head and spirit. You are part of us, and we are strong. Let it all come out; we are here; we are forever!

Ron
 
Leosha,

I'm David and I just wanted to add my greeting to you, too.

Aren't the guys here, great? I hope that their words reach your heart as they are intended. We
only want you to know that you are welcome to stay here, safe and protected for as long as you want to, with all of the love and caring that can be sent your way.

I hope that you feel it deep down where some of that pain was. Let the warmth and love of this place surround and uplift you to where you want to be.

I'll bet that you've never met men like Andrew, Freedom, Dave, Bob and Ron.

Stick around, I'm sure there will more of the guys that will show up to give you their best.

That's what these guys are, you know, Leosha, they're the best.

David
 
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