no rest
no rest
- Thread starterkuurt
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roadrunner
Registrant
Kurt,
You are exactly right when you say you have to get out how you feel right now. All those feelings need to come out and this is a good place to do that. Everyone here will understand.
We all feel helpless and at fault sometimes, and you are going through those feelings now. That should alert you to how important it is to DEAL with these feelings, but just remember that the feelings themselves are so often untrue. You do deserve better, and you aren't powerless or guilty.
I'm not surprised at how you reacted when you started to work on a journal. That anger is another feeling we have to let out.
On drinking and other ways to "numb out", I would be the last person on earth who deserves to lecture a teenager about that. But I will tell you that the drinks (and for me also drugs) never EVER helped me. Next day I was still in exactly the same mess as before, except feeling even worse.
I like your comment about the good people here, but hey bro! You are one of us. And you have been for awhile now. Each time you come here you learn a bit more and gain a bit more confidence. Maybe you don't see it yet, but it's clear this is what's happening. You are on the right path too my friend.
Much love,
Larry
You are exactly right when you say you have to get out how you feel right now. All those feelings need to come out and this is a good place to do that. Everyone here will understand.
We all feel helpless and at fault sometimes, and you are going through those feelings now. That should alert you to how important it is to DEAL with these feelings, but just remember that the feelings themselves are so often untrue. You do deserve better, and you aren't powerless or guilty.
I'm not surprised at how you reacted when you started to work on a journal. That anger is another feeling we have to let out.
On drinking and other ways to "numb out", I would be the last person on earth who deserves to lecture a teenager about that. But I will tell you that the drinks (and for me also drugs) never EVER helped me. Next day I was still in exactly the same mess as before, except feeling even worse.
I like your comment about the good people here, but hey bro! You are one of us. And you have been for awhile now. Each time you come here you learn a bit more and gain a bit more confidence. Maybe you don't see it yet, but it's clear this is what's happening. You are on the right path too my friend.
Much love,
Larry
Morning Star
Registrant
Kuurt,
I used to get so mad at my mind, and at my inability to 'control' it that I used to literally beat myself on the head to shut it,myself up!
Obviously that didnt work quite well, just gave me a few bruises and bumps on head...
And then it struck me one day that my mind was just an organ called brain, it runs on the energy I put into it.
So if I put in anger thoughts ot energy it will would start processing that, and sometimes it just cant process it and hangs and then you need to reboot.
That is when I realise that I need to vent that energy out and calm my self down. I immediately sit down to meditate and clear myself out of that energy, sometimes I just breathe in and out and soon I am all clear.
As for mind, nothing soothes it better than thinking of someone who loves me infinitely, like God. And thinking of him in the middle of my mental storms is the best way to handle it, when I can just sit back and allow him to take over and take me out of the storms, on his boat.
I used to get so mad at my mind, and at my inability to 'control' it that I used to literally beat myself on the head to shut it,myself up!
Obviously that didnt work quite well, just gave me a few bruises and bumps on head...
And then it struck me one day that my mind was just an organ called brain, it runs on the energy I put into it.
So if I put in anger thoughts ot energy it will would start processing that, and sometimes it just cant process it and hangs and then you need to reboot.
That is when I realise that I need to vent that energy out and calm my self down. I immediately sit down to meditate and clear myself out of that energy, sometimes I just breathe in and out and soon I am all clear.
As for mind, nothing soothes it better than thinking of someone who loves me infinitely, like God. And thinking of him in the middle of my mental storms is the best way to handle it, when I can just sit back and allow him to take over and take me out of the storms, on his boat.
Hauser
Registrant
Kuurt, you wouldn't BELIEVE how unstable I am. My teacher has noticed my lack of confidence and makes it a point to sit down with me and talk and communicate with me becuase ............ well I think that's he's noticed that I'm always preocupied with other things, and he tries to help me focus. Ironically enough, when he's asking me questions I seem to always know the answers.
Anyway, back to you. Hey kuurt step off the stage for a second and look at this stage of life that we're all playing in. You'll notice that most of your peers here are older, and that we're more "focused" and "on track" (like me?). Don't forget kuurt, that someone like me waited 26 years to deal with his CSA. We've had more years to organize and focus on what our problems are and what we need to do to effectively deal with them. It may not seem like it, but you're WAYYYY ahead of us because you're starting to deal with it RIGHT NOW. Let's not foget one more important thing about you, you're just a kid still! So give your self some credit ok?
Anyway, back to you. Hey kuurt step off the stage for a second and look at this stage of life that we're all playing in. You'll notice that most of your peers here are older, and that we're more "focused" and "on track" (like me?). Don't forget kuurt, that someone like me waited 26 years to deal with his CSA. We've had more years to organize and focus on what our problems are and what we need to do to effectively deal with them. It may not seem like it, but you're WAYYYY ahead of us because you're starting to deal with it RIGHT NOW. Let's not foget one more important thing about you, you're just a kid still! So give your self some credit ok?
kuurt, after our time in the chat room, i think about you often. every thing you said in this post i still experience at 57. only more tempered by age and experience.
you said you have no control over your thoughts. first, control is always a big issue for us since what happened to us was outside of our control. but thoughts in particular, are often described as a team of wild horses. it takes time and energy to get them to even approximate doing what you want. cognitive therepy teaches you to replace the thoughts with better ones, vipassana meditation says ignore them, i.e. allow them but don't get "hooked" by them. there are many ways , but most of us need a teacher and time.
alcohol and drugs are a common and easy way of stopping it for a few hours. i now ask myself, "will this make it better tomorrow?" but i still don't have constant absolute "control" over myself and it is still frustrating.
re: journaling you said you tried and now you don't feel you are brave enough to try again. i often question my "courage" to face my fears and anger. i think we need professional help ( a guide) to lead us through this maze of fear and anger. as wonderful as this web site is, i still encourage you to seek professional adult help where you are.
re: don't deserve to get better. i still deal with that also. i call it my "sabateur". i found i can't force my way into healing. but i have found therepies that get me around my wall. and when not in therepy, i try baby steps and negotiating with myself.
there is a great teaching story about heaven and hell. there is a long table with people sitting on either side. they are hungry. there is food on the table. but the only way they can eat is with the 4 foot spoon in their hand.. they try, but can't get it to their mouth and are just frustrated. that is hell.
in heaven it looks identical, only the people there are extending the spoon across the table to feed each other.
i am always here for you. kalimi
you said you have no control over your thoughts. first, control is always a big issue for us since what happened to us was outside of our control. but thoughts in particular, are often described as a team of wild horses. it takes time and energy to get them to even approximate doing what you want. cognitive therepy teaches you to replace the thoughts with better ones, vipassana meditation says ignore them, i.e. allow them but don't get "hooked" by them. there are many ways , but most of us need a teacher and time.
alcohol and drugs are a common and easy way of stopping it for a few hours. i now ask myself, "will this make it better tomorrow?" but i still don't have constant absolute "control" over myself and it is still frustrating.
re: journaling you said you tried and now you don't feel you are brave enough to try again. i often question my "courage" to face my fears and anger. i think we need professional help ( a guide) to lead us through this maze of fear and anger. as wonderful as this web site is, i still encourage you to seek professional adult help where you are.
re: don't deserve to get better. i still deal with that also. i call it my "sabateur". i found i can't force my way into healing. but i have found therepies that get me around my wall. and when not in therepy, i try baby steps and negotiating with myself.
there is a great teaching story about heaven and hell. there is a long table with people sitting on either side. they are hungry. there is food on the table. but the only way they can eat is with the 4 foot spoon in their hand.. they try, but can't get it to their mouth and are just frustrated. that is hell.
in heaven it looks identical, only the people there are extending the spoon across the table to feed each other.
i am always here for you. kalimi
Kuurt,
My first response to you is to do whatever it is you can think of to get those emotions out. If writing and then throwing away what you've written helps, then by all means, do that.
Some people recommend running or exercise, punching a heavy bag, or even something more passive like meditation.
As far as the rest of it goes, recovery is a roller coaster. The ups and downs are unpredictable and vary quite a bit. I was doing well up until a couple weeks ago, and now I'm feeling pretty low. I know I'll get through it because I always have before, but the time between now and then can be excruciating.
Hang in there, Kuurt. There are good people here who understand and care. And as Larry (RoadRunner) has told me on numerous occasions, feel free to vent, rant, yell and scream here. We've all been there, and some of us are still there. We understand.
My first response to you is to do whatever it is you can think of to get those emotions out. If writing and then throwing away what you've written helps, then by all means, do that.
Some people recommend running or exercise, punching a heavy bag, or even something more passive like meditation.
As far as the rest of it goes, recovery is a roller coaster. The ups and downs are unpredictable and vary quite a bit. I was doing well up until a couple weeks ago, and now I'm feeling pretty low. I know I'll get through it because I always have before, but the time between now and then can be excruciating.
Hang in there, Kuurt. There are good people here who understand and care. And as Larry (RoadRunner) has told me on numerous occasions, feel free to vent, rant, yell and scream here. We've all been there, and some of us are still there. We understand.
Morning Star
Registrant
I believe maintaining your mental health is crucial during recovery, sometimes we over do it, be it thru journaling or analysing and we have to understand, the mind like any organ has its limits physically. Over extending ourselves will always leads to burn out.
For myself I need to be careful not to fill myself with unnecessary information about trivial stuff and not indulge in every distracting activity just because I 'like' getting away from my stuff, it is an old practise, I still have to unlearn.
And when I am calm I am able to receive greater clarity about my life, that too with 'thinking'.
You can turn any experience into a meditative one by simply doing it 100%. By giving it your completely awareness.
Eat meditatively, and it becomes Eating Meditation, a popular zen practise used in Japanese Tea ceremonies,.. walking meditation, swimming and even boxing, as you know all Chinese martial arts are meditative practises at their core. Take up Tai chi, Tai bo or Tai kowando if you like active workouts.
Ultimately the best practise would be living meditatively, when you live in complete awareness of your actions, thoughts and your being or as it is called elsewhere, Mindfulness. Mind is a wonderful tool but a bad master.
For myself I need to be careful not to fill myself with unnecessary information about trivial stuff and not indulge in every distracting activity just because I 'like' getting away from my stuff, it is an old practise, I still have to unlearn.
And when I am calm I am able to receive greater clarity about my life, that too with 'thinking'.
You can turn any experience into a meditative one by simply doing it 100%. By giving it your completely awareness.
Eat meditatively, and it becomes Eating Meditation, a popular zen practise used in Japanese Tea ceremonies,.. walking meditation, swimming and even boxing, as you know all Chinese martial arts are meditative practises at their core. Take up Tai chi, Tai bo or Tai kowando if you like active workouts.
Ultimately the best practise would be living meditatively, when you live in complete awareness of your actions, thoughts and your being or as it is called elsewhere, Mindfulness. Mind is a wonderful tool but a bad master.
Kuurt,
I almost had to laugh when you said "everyonr on this site is on the right track". Dude, I'm NOT making fun of you its just that I am FUBAR (fucked up beyond all recogntion). I am upside down, inside out, and spun down to the bottom of the barrel.
I only say this to let you know that you are definitely not alone.
You know, I can't journal either. I hear..."you need to write it down". Guess what, I can't put "IT" into words in a notebook...so I try to do it here. For me, a dialogue seems more natural that writing in a spiral notebook.
So please don't hesitate to continue writing here. If the jopurnal doesn't work for you...so be it. Also, many here, myself included, would be happy to talk to you via pm.
Take care of yourseld...and get some sleep so you can function at school.
LOVE,
Will
I almost had to laugh when you said "everyonr on this site is on the right track". Dude, I'm NOT making fun of you its just that I am FUBAR (fucked up beyond all recogntion). I am upside down, inside out, and spun down to the bottom of the barrel.
I only say this to let you know that you are definitely not alone.
You know, I can't journal either. I hear..."you need to write it down". Guess what, I can't put "IT" into words in a notebook...so I try to do it here. For me, a dialogue seems more natural that writing in a spiral notebook.
So please don't hesitate to continue writing here. If the jopurnal doesn't work for you...so be it. Also, many here, myself included, would be happy to talk to you via pm.
Take care of yourseld...and get some sleep so you can function at school.
LOVE,
Will
Hi Kuurt
I know how you fee;, cause I spent my Sat. night the same way. Using alcohol to numb my mind so that I don't go crazy and pound my head into the wall. My whole life I thought I had A.D.D. yet I when I focus, even hung over, I pick up information without trying. But if I have an attack (what I know now as an 'attack') I close up and cannot function, even at subject I know by heart. Its like revening an engine thats all gummed up, spinning wheels and not knowing in which direction to go. Reading your words, helps me to understand my own pain more fully.
Thanks. I new here and still very scared. It is like having emotions for the first time. But I was injuried and now I'm learning to walk again.
One step at a time.
I know how you fee;, cause I spent my Sat. night the same way. Using alcohol to numb my mind so that I don't go crazy and pound my head into the wall. My whole life I thought I had A.D.D. yet I when I focus, even hung over, I pick up information without trying. But if I have an attack (what I know now as an 'attack') I close up and cannot function, even at subject I know by heart. Its like revening an engine thats all gummed up, spinning wheels and not knowing in which direction to go. Reading your words, helps me to understand my own pain more fully.
Thanks. I new here and still very scared. It is like having emotions for the first time. But I was injuried and now I'm learning to walk again.
One step at a time.
roadrunner
Registrant
Kurt and Will,
I wanted to highlight this one to you, and in fact for all of our benefit:
It's so worthwhile to be able to crack a joke now and then and see the absurd iironies of life. Otherwise we can really just get sucked down into the dark.
What I also like here is the way you, Kurt, see all of the rest of us as "on the right track", when in fact the older guys look at you and think my God, isn't this great, he's starting his recovery as a teenager!
It's nice to be reminded of our positive points by other brothers on the path, regardless of our ages. We have so much to learn from each other.
Much love,
Larry
I wanted to highlight this one to you, and in fact for all of our benefit:
Well said Will! I haven't seen FUBAR for ages, and it made me laugh.
It's so worthwhile to be able to crack a joke now and then and see the absurd iironies of life. Otherwise we can really just get sucked down into the dark.
What I also like here is the way you, Kurt, see all of the rest of us as "on the right track", when in fact the older guys look at you and think my God, isn't this great, he's starting his recovery as a teenager!
It's nice to be reminded of our positive points by other brothers on the path, regardless of our ages. We have so much to learn from each other.
Much love,
Larry