No more silence. No more secrets.

No more silence. No more secrets.
B

bottomofthepit

New Registrant
Hey everyone, I'm new to the site and just wanted to say a (not so) quick hi :)

It's a bit hard to find support groups like this where I am in NZ so I really appreciate you guys accepting me on here and all the support you provide to everyone.

*deep breath*

The reason why this all started and why I'm here is from a mental breakdown over a promotion at work a while ago compounded with the recent terrorist attacks we had in our city. The overwhelming anxiety and fear started to pull up some very deep emotions which at first I didnt understand until the memories themselves started to surface.

Turns out, I cant just simply block out and bottle up 6 years of sexual and emotional abuse. It's just not possible. As I get older I'm starting to realise the abuses ugly after effects are now growing into all my thoughts and they are spreading and infecting everything like an emotional pernicious weed.

As I started to recall on my abuse, more and more older memories come up. The whole thing was almost like it was perfectly set up. Me, a lonely abandoned boy, adopted at 3 by other relatives to live in a nice new country. I was new, alone and ready to cling on any friendly, loving and supportive person I could meet which led me right into the arms of my abuser.

My abuser was my uncle. He had previously served a jail term for abuse of a young girl in a previous marriage. He had also been abused by his father as a boy and due to his offences being public, he had no friends. He didnt have alot of things going for him but what he did have was his charisma. That charisma was what won over not only my parents, but me as well.

My parents didnt think much of his previous offences and since his last victim was a girl, they though it should be all ok. It wouldn't be. By the time I was 6, my uncle had gained all my trust and became my best (and only) friend. He had found the perfect a opportunity to start what would be a 6 year hidden relationship with me to the point that I (rather naively) thought that he actually loved me.

I will do a post latter on the survivors forum once I've had a chance to write down my story and gather all my thoughts. I feel a bit like Bran on Game of Thrones with all these jumbled memories I've just gained.

So what is happening now?

Well I took my first step and booked my first therapist appointment for next week. From what I've read from others, I imagine this will be a long and arduous healing process.

So thats why I'm here. I just want to reach out to anyone out there who have been through what I've been though. I have kept all his secrects for this long and now I dont want to keep them anymore. Living far away is hard to meet people so if there is anyone out there who is in my area please flick me a message, or just anyone who wants to talk.

Thanks again for being here. You truely dont know how much it means.



- From lonest guy on the lonest islands at the bottom of the world.
 
Last edited:
Hey there! Welcome!! Sorry that you need to be here. No need to be lonely here.
I'm probably one of the few on the planet that totally does NOT understand the Game of Thrones reference, but that doesn't matter.

I get what the sudden realization of "Oh. My. God..." that really was abuse does to you. The sudden fear that immediately grips you, the churning stomach. And so much more. I'm not the only one here who gets that.

New Zeland might be towards the bottom of the planet, but it doesn't mean that you have to imagine being in a pit. Especially not from pictures that I've seen of the country! You've made an enormous step of courage, actually two or three! That's huge. You admitted to yourself that you can't sort this out on your own (and it's no wonder!! it's deep stuff to process), you actually came and registered here, and perhaps the biggest step of all was actually booking an appt. To some, that might not seem like much. But thinking of the catastrophe I found myself in upon realizing that damn, this wasn't some sort of caring but true abuse and then seeing the ill effects (that's putting it mildly) throughout my life..... those steps you've already taken are huge. Congratulations!!!

Everyone is different, even here. But we've all got the same basis of horrific trauma that's seeped into most if not all aspects of our lives. Help is possible, healing is possible. It might be a long road, it might be a short one. But you don't have to wander through it struggling alone. :)
 
Hi There bottomofthepit

Welcome to MS. Sorry for what has brought you here. Glad you had the courage to reach out. You are not alone in this. Your story will resonate to many here. So many have been abused by a family member it is a hard thing to figure out why would someone that is suppose to protect you do what they do. Again sorry for your trauma's and welcome.

Take Care
Esterio
 
bottomofthepit
Welcome! I wish you luck on your journey of recovery. I'm sorry for the events in your life that brought you here. Keep coming back & sharing.
 
Pit, thank you for sharing. So sorry for everything that happened to you.

FYI, if you share your story on "Survivor Stories" section, it is automatically locked for comments. If you would like comments, feedback, and encouragement, I would suggest you post it on the "Male Survivors" section, instead.
 
It is a long journey and it can be lonesome even when you are with others. But there is also getting better. The most pain is in the beginning, with saying and acknowledging it with another person because it silences you. You need that voice.

That voice has to be heard.

I thought for a long time that "people" needed to know and they do, I'm sure of it. But for me, the therapist and one other person, namely my wife of all these years, was enough.

I said a lot of stuff online. It helped me. All the writing. It's very cathartic and reading the things others wrote helped me realise so much.

The rest of this, whatever it is, IDK about. But I wish you well.
 
Hello bottomofthepit, and welcome. Yes, it's a long road, but recovery is possible. No, we can't go back but we can turn around, and that's what you've begun to do. We're here to walk with you, don't give up. It took over 45 years for me to come to realize why I did what I did and why I felt as I did. It was because of what was done to me - and after that realization, it began to surface more and more until I began to sit down with a skilled therapist and walk through all of this. That was now 5 years ago and I'm getting to the point where I don't see him as often. I've appropriated some strong tools to help me over those times of feeling triggered by emotions or circumstances. Yes, I've come a long way - and you can,too.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top