No drive

No drive
B

BenPaul

Registrant
Hello! I have a question. My SA realization is only about 2-3 months old. I finally found a therapist and have gone three (good) times. My question is this: is it normal for my sex drive to go away while I am trying to deal with all of this? It's like I just don't want to be horny; or rather I am NOT horny. I miss this time with my wife (she is great and understanding) but is this normal under these circumstances? Thanks for your replies. BenPaul
 
I think it's probably perfectly normal to not feel as sexual as you have in the past. After all, you are spending a lot of time talking about really sick things that are sure to turn you off. Even reading some of the survivor stories in these forums are also enough to dampen your libido. But the goods news is that it's probably temporary. So maybe you and your wife might use your special time to just kiss and cuddle, without any pressure to make love.

How does that sound?

Jasper
 
Hi Ben Paul - I agree with Jasper. The subject matter we're forced to deal with would certainly lend itself to negative feelings about sex. There is confusion and anger and repulsion and deception and a million other things that gave us this twisted notion about sex and love. You need time to sort it all out.

Add to that the tremendous amount of energy it takes to deal with the accompanying emotions of sorting it all out and your drive would weaken further still.

Thank goodness for your understanding wife. She will need a lot of patience and strength to see you through this. Please keep in mind the difficulties this will present for her as well. If you're comfortable doing so, maybe direct her to the Friends and Family forum here. As with this board, there are wonderful people there that can offer wisdom and advice as you both work through this difficult time. I wish you both well. Please PM me if you ever need an ear to listen.
Peace - John
 
I felt the same way. You will get through and you will get back to feeling sexual again. It may take several months, but it will happen. You have to deal with the SA then let things take their course. Wounds WILL heal. My wife was very patient and understanding. Lord knows I put her through hell, but she stood with me. It wasn't easy on either of us, but it does make our relationship stronger!
 
Thank you for your responses; I kind of figured it was as you all said, but it sure feels GOOD to know there are others who can validate what you suspect. BenPaul
 
Me. I had to have sex whenever I thought about what happend and to cover it up in my mind and I was addicted I am over that know. look at my next post.
A:so yes I am 16 if anybody wants to know.
 
BenPaul
losing our sex drives is common enough, for many of us it's a way of getting rid of the unwanted thoughts of sex that have overwhelmed us for far too long.

To 'kill' the constant fantasies, that eventually led to me acting out with strange men, I pushed all sexual thoughts to the back of my mind as much as I could. It worked to a great degree, I rarely have the unwanted fantasies and haven't acted out for many years now.

But the downside is all my sex drive was pushed away, and although my wife of 31 years is very understanding I am now struggling to regain the sexual desires that I want.

Talk to your therapist about this, do it now.
It's harder to do a few years down the line.
A decent therapist will be able to integrate this issue with the regular abuse related therapy.

Dave
 
Do not worry.

I think what you are going through is completely normal. Remember that you were sexually abused and it will take sometime to relearn what it means to be sexual. This will take time but it will happen. In the eman time talk to your wife as much as you can about it. Although it might be difficult it will help you and her as well. The same thing happened to me when i had my realization. Comunication with my wife was the key to recreating a sexual life.

good luck and keep healing

Jonathan
 
BenPaul,

Mine has always been rather low despite my age (meaning, even as a teenager some years ago). But yes, it completely disappeared when first dealing with all this, and the thought would actually cause me physical illness. Nothing of it seemed good, it all seemed 'dirty'.

It does improve with time, and when we are able to distinguish better 'those' actions from true, natural sexual desire as an adult for another. Good luck in therapy, and I am glad that your wife is understanding.

Leosha
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top