Contender,
I did not mean to imply that I read everything that is posted through my healing, but I did read a lot of it and I have posted a lot over the years. Right now, I have really slowed down because I am still trying to deal with the loss of my mom just a few weeks ago. I actually thought I wrote and posted this, but maybe I forgot to put it up here. Right now for me to sometimes form words into sentances is very tough but I will see if I can get the words put together.
For me, my abuse was done in so many different forms. One of the biggest things I suffered as a kid was that of being forced to be silent. This went to the extreme. So one of the ways, as tough as it has been, is for me to post and write about my thoughts, my feelings, my fears, my unknowns... basically what is going on in my head. That has been rough and it has taken a lot of courage and strength for me to post things at times because as you well know, much of this stuff is mixed in with a lot of shame. And I mean this was tough. I would post things and at the time where I was posting them, there was no way to edit or delete what you posted. Once I put it up for everyone to see, I would sit there with anxiety thinking, everyone is going to think I'm nuts, going to think I am weird,, and on and on. Instead I found people that told me, you know I feel the same way and so by me opening up, I was able to gain a lot of strength in return. But believe me, the fears were and still are pretty strong when I open myself up.
One of the other ways that I used the forum was to write down what was in my head and then take it to my therapist. Much of the time, I could not easily speak the words to describe all of this stuff. I had no voice at first. I could write and so I used my written words to help push along my healing. But one thing in all of this is that when I wrote the stuff and put it in public view or showed it to my therapist, it seemed like it gave a sense of ownership to what was inside of me. It was like I had to write it, in order to connect myself to it (if that makes sense to anyone). At first I would take the posts to my therapist and let her read them. It wasn't long before she actually got me to read the words out loud and boy did that ever change my life. It is one thing to write the words, but it was another thing for me to verbally say the words. Remember that my voice was taken away from me as a child.
But I also learned a lot from reading what others wrote, and what they learned and the fears they had or how they stumbled through things. I thought I was all alone until I came across some online forums and found, hey there are other guys out there fighting the same thing... I'm not alone... I'm not a freak! Yes at times, things were pretty triggering to me and at that time, I was still pretty numb to most of what I had been through. I am learning more and more how to only take in what I need and to be careful when it comes to posts that are just too much at that time for me. Sometimes I have to stay away just because it is more than I can deal with and I am learning more and more to take care of myself.
I had one therapist in particular who played such a major role in my healing and I was using online forums at the time. No matter what I would share with her, she always accepted me and always treated me with respect. I kept telling her things, thinking that she would now hate me or think of me as some pervert, only to find that she accepted me for who I was. She helped me to begin naming my fears and then trying to learn how to overcome those fears. She helped me to begin seeing the good within myself and I still struggle so hard with that one. She wouldn't let me label myself and she always encouraged me to keep moving forward, to hold on to the strength that I had inside of me. She was one in a million I think and I miss having her for a therapist now, but we are too many miles apart.
While all of this was going on, I got active in a group called Voices. It was there that I met other survivors face to face for the first time. Even though most of them were women, it still helped me because I could begin to feel accepted for the first time in my life and realize that I wasn't alone.. I was meeting people in real life. I went to a workshop put on Mike Lew at one of the Voices conferences and it about drained me completely, but it was again, one of those life changing moments for me. I had the opportunity to interview Mike Lew for an article I wrote in the Voices newsletter. I will never forget that interview and I will never forget how caring, patient and respectful he was.
On top of all of this, I have done various things to help myself. For instance, I write articles for the Voices newsletter just as a way for me to express myself and hopefully help someone else out there. A couple of years ago, I put on a workshop at the conference on relaxation. I was so scared to death to do it, but it was another life changing moment! A year or so ago, I started my own web site for survivors of child abuse. It has been a struggle for me at times, but I am still glad I did it.
So there have been so many ways including the online forums, that I have went through the healing process. There are so many people that I have come in contact with at one point or another over the past several years and they have played major roles in my healing. To be honest, at the time some of these things happened or some of the people I met, I would have not realized the impact they would have on my life.
Healing is not easy and at times I have really wanted to give up. At times I have hurt so much when I see others hurting and going through some of the same things. At times, I have been so triggered by posts that others wrote on the forums, but in the end those posts helped me get from step a to step b. They were all necessary to my healing as I look back now.
I am still working through a lot and by no means am I out of the woods yet. I just started seeing a new therapist because the death of my mother just about pulled me under. There are so many family issues that go hand in hand with this. But the one thing I am noticing now is that I find I have a lot more tools to help me through this than I had 5 years ago. And I didn't realize how many tools I had gathered up.
Posting on a forum or reading other posts can be good and it can be bad. You have to take care of yourself and like a few of you have said, when it starts triggering you too much, take a break... rest, rebuild the strength and then come back to it. Write in a personal journal of how you feel, what you notice about yourself and what feelings you have.. Those things will help you to piece things together and help you to get a better perspective on things.
For me, my healing as involved the forums, meeting other survivors face to face, workshops, therapists, writing and reaching out... it may be different for everyone, but this is what worked for me.
Hope by some slim chance this helps someone. I feel like I have just babbled on about myself.... and that makes me anxious!
Don
