Nightmares (TRIGGERS!)

[crisispoint]

I'm having nightmares again.

I guess I'll always have them, but these were particularly disturbing.

I keep hearing a child crying and I look for it. I realize it's a boy and I finally find him. And I see he's me. But he's the me that absorbed all the abuse from everyone in my life and he'll always be tormented. Always hurt.

I try to comfort him, I try to tell him it's all right, that he became the man ALL the abusers will never be, but he doesn't stop crying. Somedays he'll never stop crying.

And then I realize one other thing, one thing that I realize is true. He felt all the humiliation and shame, and felt it was so true, that he took over me and suffered through the adult rape to spare me. Because he was so useless and worth nothing but pain.

I'm having the first anxiety attack I've had in a LONG time as I write this. Add to that I'm being screened for a possible male survivor group later today and I'm feeling pretty frigging haunted.

Will Little Scot EVER be free of these Goddamn lies? Will I?



Scot

 

[outis]

Scot,

I don't know if I have nightmares. Most of the time I don't remember dreaming anything, even when I keep waking up during the night. But I think they're like any other effect. Eventually, as we deal with whatever caused them, they will subside.

You and little Scot can be free of the lies. Getting rid of the abusers' lies might require getting rid of some of our own. How can one live "half in" the truth? It takes time and courage to recognize the horror of what the abusers did, to see clearly what the past was. That is turning out to be a painful process. Still, I believe that breaking denial is part of loosing the chains of lies from the abusers. All the lies have to give way before we can be free.

Good luck with the survivor group. My SIA meetings are not exclusively male, but they are a tremendous help for me. Nothing quite matches spending time other survivors. They may not know where I've been, but they understand.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[Lloydy]

Scot
he's going to stop crying, someday soon he'll stop.

Dave