Nightmares/thoughts about sex

[Dan234racer]

Hey guys

Recently I have been having nightmares/thoughts about sex. The first was a nightmare several days ago where I basically relived one of the experiences where I got raped. And the other one was last night just as I was going sleep my mind was just full of images where I would be having sex with my current boyfriend but then suddenly in my mind my boyfriend would become the person who raped me and I would just break down and burst in to tears right there in the middle of sex.

Now I kind of feel scared about having sex with my boyfriend again. Is this normal?

 

[Bloom]

Hey Dan,

I think this is completely normal, though that doesn't make it any less traumatizing. I periodically have nightmares of a similar variety, some even where my current boyfriend turns into someone who violated me. I think what I've found to help is to immediately reach out to someone who is understanding. I sometimes fail to reach out thinking that it's my fault I'm having these dreams in the first place, but I promise you - it feels much safer and easier to confront when you have someone's support. I have a couple of friends who I have built up the comfort with to reach out to when I have triggering dreams or thoughts like these, and though that doesn't help the immediate terror and pain that I experience, it does allow it to pass more quickly. If you feel like you don't have anyone to reach out to, you could even PM me or post in these forums. I know exactly how terrifying and confusing those dreams can be, and I assure you you are not alone.

I wouldn't fear having sex with your boyfriend again, but I would try and communicate a bit about it with him and maybe talk through how you both want to react if you are triggered during sex. Have a sort of "escape" plan where you can tell your boyfriend if you're starting to be triggered into those thoughts so that he can make sure to take care of you and stop to let the thoughts pass.

I hope this helps. This has honestly been one of the most difficult parts for me in healing. Just remember that those dreams are not real - you are safe in the present.

Bloom

 

[don64]

Hi Dan,

I know how horrifying and sometimes paralyzing triggering situations can be. For me, I had to develop intellectual constructs to hold something understandable about what was happening to me. What finally developed for me was to know that what was happening was the old trauma was working it's way up from my unconscious into my consciousness. It is actually a clearing process. Unfortunately the clearing process involves feeling the original intensity. The challenge for me was to not continue creating self-fulfilling prophesies. I was a very slow learner.

For me, trauma that intense registers close to the level of instinct, so it can be indiscriminate in assigning danger to situations that are not actually dangerous. Keeping myself safe is my primary goal. For me, talk, talk, talk neutralizes the old programs, but it can take a long time.

I have found the most important thing for me has been to develop healthy responses that generalize to any situation. For example, talking anything out with a compassionate friend can take the sting out of any triggering situation. It is so important, IMO, to know that I'm not alone. Feeling I had to do it by myself was what kept me sick for so long. You need to feel safe with your boyfriend. Consider talking to him.

Sending you love and support,

Don

 

[traveler]

i used to have lots of nightmares - and get very triggered by sexual situations back when i was starting to work on things and the memories were returning in greater number and detail. For quite a while i could not do anything in bed for fear of being triggered.

my T gave my wife and me a system to help with that. he said to approach it like the kids' game. if it was OK to proceed, say "green light." if i was starting to feel anxious and needed to slow down or pause and regain a sense of safety and comfort, say, "yellow light." if a full-on trigger was happening or imminent, say, "red light."

it worked for us. for one thing it lightened the mood and made it more playful. another advantage was that it gave her something positive to contribute and participate in so that she had a definite way to show her support. and just knowing that i had an emergency escape made me feel more comfortable. i rarely had to use the "red light" signal. knowing that it was there made made a big difference. usually the yellow stage was enough to regain composure and try again after a short rest and some cuddling.

hope that might work for you.
Lee

 

[Dan234racer]

Hey Guys

It is great to know that I am not the only who has experienced/is experiencing this.

I think I will probably talk to my boyfriend about it and see if we can come up with ideas for an escape plan. Have any of you got any ideas?

 

[don64]

Hi Dan,

I haven't forgotten about you, but the question you are asking is really a question for a therapist. It is not a casual question at all, IMO. It is a question that goes to the heart of who you are, and who you are at this time is a product of your experiences. Being abused is a life altering trauma. I hope you are able to consider what type of supports will be most useful to you. Abuse really disrupts healthy thinking.

Sending you love and support,

Don