Nightmares: starting recovery

Nightmares: starting recovery
S

SUPPORTGIRL

New Registrant
Fellas and ladies:

Firstly, you are all so wonderful. I found this site today and I am in awe of you all for having had the initiative and courage to get together on these issues. I thought I'd approach this site as one of the only partners of a survivor, but I am touched and pleased to see so many wives and girlfriends and fiancees out there.

I hope there is some kinship out there for the topic I'm addressing here:

My love, my husband, my angel... after over 20 years, is taking the first steps towards getting professional help. To tell the story in reverse, over the past few months, his nightmares have gotten so unbearable that sleep (for both of us) is an occasional thing. We've both done our share of internet research on this (perhaps myself more than him), and have found information relating to night terrors, PTSD, and nightmares relative to PTSD. Last week I was able to locate a study online which consists of a number of interviews from male survivors. I printed it out for him: the quotes from each survivor were brief, but I believed that many of the comments would resound for him - perhaps validate for him -feelings that I either knew or suspected he'd had. We discussed some of the comments together, but every day I look in our study and the document sits there.

I've known about his SA since 1998: we met in 1985 and fell in love (really) when he was 12 and I was 10, and over the years, kept "finding" each other again. In 1998, he emailed me from his overseas duty station (we had neither seen nor spoken to each other in 5 years). He was a Marine, and in his 5-page letter to me he was seeking some resolution to issues about the (first and only) night we spend together 5 years prior. He hadn't orgasmed, and wanted me to know it wasn't me, just that he never orgasmed during intercourse. He went on to tell me about his daughter and wife, and writing poetry and finishing up his degrees, and finding Buddhism. It was all wonderful, but I felt somehow that he was sad and isolated. Over the next few weeks we emailed back and forth, and he admitted that his marriage was failing and he was feeling emotionally lost. I asked him to call me, and when he did, one of the first things that spilled out of this man that I hadn't seen in over five years was that he was abused as a child. He had only told one other person. I immediately told him I was so sorry that he had that experience, but that I was glad he told me, and that I would be there for him if he ever wanted to talk about it.

We continue writing back and forth, his wife leaves him and returns, only to agree to cohabitate for the sake of their daughter, and to fast forward several months, he visits home (and me). By now, we've committed our eternal love for each other but still have no idea what's to come sexually or how we'll figure out our future, being 7,000 miles away from each other. There was a great buildup to our first sexual encounter: he was afraid that he wouldn't orgasm again, and he wanted to with me. I reassured him that it would be OK either way, but that I was sure I knew what he needed (trust). Our first night together, he did on our second try, and he has always been able to ever since.

*a footnote about the above: when he told his wife what had happened to him, she told him that it was disgusting and that she didn't understand. That things like that don't happen in her culture. Over the years that she's tried to blame him for their breakup and wrack the guilt on him about "leaving" her, I try to remind him that this lack of support on her part is her own fault, and not his.

I knew that his O issue was related to his SA. I also knew that his insecurities were due to it, and moments throughout his life when he's been seen as a "fuckup" were really just him doing the best he could to cope with how he felt. He started having flashbacks in 1996, following the birth of his daughter. But his nightmares gradually replaced his daytime thoughts, and today the nightmares are unmanageable.

We resolved our logistical problem: I moved to Asia to be with him in 1999, and we remain here so he can be a doting father. We married four months ago. The man I have loved all my life is now my precious husband. We should be happier than ever before...

Over these past five years, I have done him a terrible wrong: I thought that our just being together, and my being loving and understanding and supportive would help him get past his SA. How irresponsible of me, I now find: I should have encouraged or suggested or insisted that he go for professional help long ago, before he would be tortured for months by his nightmares. I truly believe his nightmares are a form of torture for him, and all I can do is lie awake and rub his chest and tell him, "I'm here with you" while he dreams. Sometimes I ask him to find me in his dreams so he'll know he's safe. Other times, I just wake him up, holding him. He is so afraid.

I told him earlier this week of the feelings I had, that I was being irresponsible to him. I asked if we could visit the doctor together. That perhaps we could go to counseling, or if he didn't feel ready to talk to someone, that at least a doctor could prescribe him something to help him sleep, or stay calm in the daytime. He was noncommittal about it, but in agreeance.

We went to the our family practicioner yesterday. Of course, he needed some details before he could put in a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist. I stayed in the room with him, promising to say nothing but just be there for him. I watched as my beloved husband gave the "facts" about his nightmares, his SA (no details, but the who, what, where, when), and his present condition. My heart shattered. The doctor was kind enough to conclude his exam with, "I am quite sure you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I will be able to take this information and refer you to someone in mental health. I am sorry you had this experience, but I'm glad you decided to get help." Even amidst his agony, I could not have been prouder of my husband.

Today I was like Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment ("Give my daughter the SHOT!!!!!!!"). I called both clinics to ensure he was getting his consult in, getting an appointment scheduled, that the doctor from mental health was calling him. I want him to be able to have some solace as soon as possible. Our doctor gave him a prescription to "prevent him from dreaming for a week". I had no idea such a drug existed!!!!!

I suppose, in conclusion, we've both been focusing so much on the problem being his nightmares, that we failed to (I failed to) realize that he needs to address his SA to get past it. I believe his nightmares have been coming in greater intensity and frequency because his body and mind are screaming out to him, "HEY! Just because 'life' is peachy now doesn't mean you can just forget this ever happened!" I believe his psyche is trying to force him to confront it, before it kills him.

I know the counseling is going to be very difficult for him. I will be there, holding his hand silently, if he'll let me. But I wonder if anyone else has had nightmares so intensely, and I wonder if anyone can give me an idea of what we can expect. I know he feels like as soon as he starts talking he's going to just explode, and I know he's already starting to realize how angry he is at his parents for not noticing he was being hurt, but I really don't know where we're going to go from here.

Can anyone give me some words of encouragement, or expectations, or perhaps even just some words I can show him from another survivor that might make him feel stronger and better braced for what's to come?

Much love to you all for being there.
 
Welcome SUPPORTGIRL,

First of all, you did NOT fail him in anyway. Please dont ever call yourself a failure. You are there for him, you believe him, you support him, you love him. All that is far from failure. I only found this site a week ago and have learned so much, its been an incredible help for me to begin understanding Survivors and their needs.

Probably one of the most important things Ive learned from all the valuable people here is that a Survivor will start to heal when hes ready. Theres nothing I can do but reinforce my support of him and be there when and if he needs me.

Gently guide your husband to this site. All the men have so much insight, theyre an extremely valuable resource and are committed to helping each other. Your husband may even be a bit relieved that hes not the only one to have lived through hell and trying to deal and heal on a daily basis. Every Survivor here should be proud for not only wanting to help themselves, but for helping others as well.

Keep coming back yourself, read all you can here, post when you want or need to. This is not easy. Its heartbreaking seeing the one you love in such pain. Be there for him and for your own support, well be there for you.

Take care,
Tabor
 
Supportgirl - I cried while reading your post. Your love for your husband, my fellow survivor, eminated through the screen. I've been going through this 'healing process' for months, hurting, reading, posting, pretending, crying, having nightmares and on and on, yet my wife is not nearly as compassionate as you have been already. I hope you don't mind, but I have taken a little of the love you have expressed here for myself (I'm having a bad couple of days). So thank you.

I started therapy a few months back and find that it is a necessary aspect to my sane existence. This site too has given me enormous insight, faith and hope. I agree with the above post that you should tell your husband to visit the site. Finding that I was not alone in my anguish was a revelation of the highest order. It sounds like your husband is approaching, if not already there, the time where he can address his past and try to get on with the future.

You did not fail him by any stretch of the imagination. These things come as they will. There is no right or wrong way, it just happens when the time is right. Go with your gut, as they say. You are doing fine. I wish you both peace in your life and your souls. Tell your husband we are here for him, despite the fact that we don't really know him, we really do.
 
supportgirl,
there can be no failure in reaching out and holding the one you love with the best information you have at the time, supportgirl. there can be no failure when you relocate your life to a place that is totally alien from everything you have ever known just so you can be at the side of the one you love. you have done the one thing that will guarentee the eventual recovery of the survivor you love, you hold him in his weakest moments, unconditionally. that is not failure, supportgirl, that is love. the journies that you will read here are of men and their loved one's reaching out to each other to share what is one of the greatest journies of all, healing within an embrace of support. read these words, share these journeys, and as you can, share yours as well...neither you, nor your husband is alone anymore. from my own personal history, i also want to add that i know what it means to him that you not only relocated for him out of your love, but also that you relocated understanding his love for his child. i cannot express how much that truly means. it is seemingly rare that a woman would do so much. i am personally blessed with lady theo who would do the same for for me if i was able to be near my son. i will never see him again and the void is unbearable, but knowing the woman i love would follow me to the gates of hell if i were able to be with my son and not give it a second thought gives me a strength i never knew existed within me. your gift to him in that one respect alone is a treasure for him no one but a person who walked that journey can ever fully understand. that is definitely not failure, supportgirl, that is a success that cannot be measured. take care, and if i can help, just pm me.
 
Hello Sweetheart!

Just one more note of caution: as was recently reported in the Science section of the NY Times, human beings are biologically "hard-wired" to experience feelings of empathy when we encounter the sufferings of others.

As a partner, you will have to be quite clear that your husband's issues are HIS issues & even though you are affected by the "fall-out," the events that occurred happened to HIM & not to the 2 of you.

With that in mind, to keep your own sanity intact, you must begin to cultivate an attitude of DIS-passionate, objective support - for the TWO of you. As a partner, it will do more harm than good should you "over-identify" with the source of your loved one's pain.

Remain "in your own life," cultivate your own interests, & be there to support your husband WHEN & IF he needs you.

As has been said many times before, your loved one's healing journey is HIS to accomplish & he must undertake it at his own pace.

You are a very loving & lovely person for all the tenderness you have expressed.

Please be sure to keep some of that concern for yourself as you actively involve yourself in the struggles of your beloved.

Every partner on this site has gone through a similar process of trying to wean herself or himself from over-identification. Unfortunately, it seems to be part of the experience of being a partner....

Best of luck to you & him and welcome to our community.
 
Supportgirl,
You sound like you love your husbond very much and are willing to do what ever it takes to help him in his recovery. I would like to echo the words that have been left here for you with adding some of my own. Please dont forget to take care of yourself. Survivor's can be very draining on there support system and very selfish at the same time. If you dont have a t maybe you should find one in order for you to have someone to talk to about any feelings you maybe having. His recovery is a hard road NOT just on him and you as well. And if your not taking care of you at the same time and just putting all your energy into him you may lose yourself on the journey. Which wouldnt do you or him any good. Your post had some very powerful emotions in it. I had to walk away from it a few times. I remember nightmares and waking up from them and the feelings were so real I truely believed I was still in them even in a wake state. As I moved futher into my recovery they slowed and are not as intence. So there is hope. ((((hugs)))))
James
 
SupportGirl,

I am 36 and married for the first time 3 years ago. Prior to marrying my incredible wife, I had only intellectually acknowledged my SA. With the love and support of my wife I am now working to emotionally heal.

Thank you for being there for your Husband. He is lucky to have you and his first wife was ignorant as hell. She didnt deserve your man!

I had a teenage neighbor as a perp when I was 5. I went right home and told my Mom. It never happened with this neighbor again (My Mom talked to his mother) but nobody got me any help. I had nightmares as a kid which is a symptom of SA and my parents took me to a therapist yet they didnt tell them about the SA. This is my mom who had a masters in psycology and went on to become a family law attorney. So I was left to figure it out on my own. I am very close with my parents and last year asked my Mom why nobody helped me. She said she was sorry she wasnt there for me then but was there for me now and would discuss any issue, no matter how uncomfortable it was for her, in order to aid in my healing process. My Dad called soon after to apologize, offer support, and tell me he has never been more proud of anybody. I am very lucky for the relationships I have and my discussions with my parents were positive.

While I am lucky to have them, I am still pissed off they didnt help me. I am working through that. It was difficult to acknowledge I was angry at my parents when they were good parents so many ways, they just failed me in this instance. As it turns out, my Mom had been a victim SA and was blocking hers, thus unable to help me. She remembered hers years later when trying a court case involving SA.

I have rambled on but my point is, he is lucky to have you and that discussing his SA with his parents can be positive.

Thank you for being there for him!!! and being you!

Rob
 
Support Girl

My love, my husband, my angel...
Click to expand...
Isn't he one lucky guy !

Having support from someone they are in love with is something a few Survivors miss out on, and that's a shame because those of us lucky enough to have support like yours have something special.

What you've done so far isn't in any way wrong, what you've done was 'right on the day' - what else could you have done ?
We can't be dragged kicking and screaming into therapy, we have to walk in on our own accord.
It's nice to have a hand to hold on the way there, but don't use the hand to drag him.

Kolisha's absolutely right as well, remember that you are the most important person to yourself.
Don't do his healing for him, don't burn yourself out, you'll be no good to yourself or him if you do.
I know my wife cried alone as much as she cried with me. When we were together she never cried for me, just with me.
There's a subtle difference, and although I was always concerned about her welfare we both acted selfishly towards ourselves.
That's not 'selfish' in the nasty, mean way - we had to accept that we both had to do certain things on our own.

Survivors aren't easy people to deal with, and I don't expect your hubby is any different.
We've been married thirty years this July, and I know for a fact that I owe just about everything to her support, and I still wonder how she puts up with a 'difficult old sod' like me ?

Take care of yourself, then your fella.

Dave
 
Support Girl - thankyou so much for caring for a fellow survivor.

You want some encouragement? Remember we all respond differently within the recovery process, but we do have a lot of similarities.

I just started therapy Dec 18th 2003 - I demanded it because I had sunk as low as it was possible for me to get. I was hearing conversations in my head (related to the abuse & imaginary conversations that the people around me were having about it) whilst trying to run a production department at work.

7 therapy sessions later I have a strange silence in my head that is also taking some getting used to (I think i'm subconsciously worried that the noise will start up again).

Therapy has helped me, this site has helped me, also some very good friends that are supporting me (I have a feeling scale of 1 to 10 that I use with them, 1 is OK to 10 as panic ridden).

So 9 weeks after seeking help I am relatively 'normal' whatever that is (have my moments, but nothing like the pure dread that I experienced).

I have worked very hard at it (I write down many of my experiences before a therapy session, that way I can show it if I can't say it). The fact that the abuse is no longer 'my secret' makes it so much easier to cope with. I am also very lucky that everyone I have managed to tell so far, has been very supportive (each in their own way). The support on this site is fantastic as you will notice.

What many of us realise when we come here, is that we have judged ourselves harshly over the years, but none of us apply that judgement to others. It then dawns on us that we should treat ourselves better.

34 years I tortured myself before seeking therapy... prior to that point I had only told 3 friends (2 years earlier)whilst under the influence of alcohol.

There is hope!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Hi SupportGirl, and welcome.

It sounds like you have already made your husband stronger and better prepared for what's to come, just by doing those things--loving, understanding, etc.--that you call a terrible wrong. This may sound harsh, but I think that the only place you can go wrong here is with too much of the above.

You want to help HIM be stronger, right? You don't need to be strong FOR him. Even if you want to, you can't, and he's got to be pretty strong already to have lived with it this long, had a family, a career, etc.

When I found out about my boyfriend's SA, I did a lot of the same things you seem to be doing--I cried, I did some research, I tried to act as reassuring and supportive as I could be-- but most of what I did, I kept to myself--that includes most of the crying and all of the research.

I think I even read the same study as you--and saw some of my boyfriend in it-- I thought about leaving the link written someplace where he'd see it, but decided against it--why? because he's just as capable of finding that study as I am. He's been underestimated enough, he's had people tell him he's NOT independent, NOT motivated, for long enough.

Therapists in my area? I couldn't even tell you where to begin. And I don't know if I would go into the therapist's office with him even if HE were to ask me. Not because I don't support him--because I don't know if he'd really be able to look me in the face and ask me to leave, if he wanted me to, and I don't want to put him in that position.

I feel very strongly about that, because as much as my boyfriend's problems affect our life together, worry and sadden me, at the end of the day, they are HIS problems. I've encouraged him to do his own research, suggested therapy, but beyond that, it's up to him. And I know that when he is ready for it, he'll do it, and then he'll be able to look back on all the work he's done, and really take pride in it all, because it will be his accomplishment and his alone. I can't wait for that day to come, but I will wait.

I think it's okay for you to let yourself feel your own feelings about this--maybe this is what Dave meant by being selfish--sure, you feel guilty and irresponsible and anxious about his nightmares, but what's wrong with wanting him to go to the doctor just because you'd like to get a good night's sleep yourself? After all you've done, that hardly makes you selfish in the "nasty way."

I don't say any of this in order to diminish the real love and caring you show him. Just something to think about.

SAR
 
Welcome.. what you have done so far for your husband is definitely to be commended.

As far as advice? A lot of it has been given by the excellent posts already.

In addition to all the caring and support, one thing that you may well have to develop also is a certain "toughness" to allow your partner to delve into the scary areas and do his grieving, crying and anger work, without either feeling compelled to soothe him (he has to do his own grief work). My partner has his moments where he has to just go alone into a room and cry like he was a baby. And I cannot stop him from doing so - he needs his tears to heal.

Also your one point about his anger at his parents for not protecting him really raised a flag with me. The one major issue that I have in my relationship is that this anger is often misdirected - my partner is really angry at his mother but it has been repressed, and it comes out "sideways" at me, to the detriment of our relaitonship (verbal abuse, disrespect, etc). If your partner is just getting in to that, be aware - you may wind up on the wrong end of misdirected anger from time to time. If/when that happens you will have to be firm - be supportive and acknowledge his feelings and that they are definitely valid, but do not support how he chooses to dispense of those feelings, should they be "out of line".

So everything you are doing is excellent - helping him set up appointments, supporting him in any way you can, but the equal flip side of it is being tough when it is necessary too. Tough Love is all part of being with a survivor. You have to be strong for those times when your partner is not coping effectively, for the times he needs to go and cry, and those times when he just can't "be there" and you have to be both "mom and dad".

On the up side - one thing that I have noticed is that this whole experience, and the need to be so introspective about his feelings, etc. has made my partner a lot more attuned to inequities in relationships, etc. Also, I am a survivor of serious verbal and psychological abuse, and I dont think anyone but someone who has been through his own hell could be as tuned in to the detrimental thought processes that I suffer from.

I think having spent a lot of energy and effort in recovery from abuse/trauma gives one a major insight and advantage when it comes to examining/viewing and working within complex interpersonal relaitionships at work, home, social life, etc.
 
Well, you've all been such a great help!
I got all of your responses SO quickly, and wanted to write back immediately, but got caught up over the past 36 hours, and here's why:

* A few hours after I wrote my post, my hubby told me that ever since his doctor's appointment, he felt suicidal.

* Next morning (yesterday), I called the doctor. With this information, I was hoping they'd accelerate the process of getting him in for counseling/ meds. They had told earlier told me it was a "routine" appointment and would take from one to two weeks before he'd be helped.

* Our doc called me right away. I was to take him to the E.R.

* I woke up my husband and told him where we were going and why. He seemed annoyed with me, but I clarified for him that I wasn't taking him because I was afraid he'd kill himself; but because I wanted him to have some immediate relief to his pain. I believed that the FEELING of wanting to was painful enough, and wanted him not to hurt so intensely (I've been there myself).

* He showered and got ready, and I wrote a message to his professor that he would be unable to attend his online class for the next few days (he's in graduate school), that he was ill, and that he'd contact her when he was recovered. Of course, YOU all know I don't mean "recovered", I simply meant, "out of immediate crisis mode".

* He was in the room with me, ironing his shirt while I did this, and I jumped to my email to find all your responses. I started reading, and crying, and he asked if I'd like him to read it too. I was so glad that he did read, and I believe he was too.

* The E.R. Visit went better than I expected. We were seen right away, as our doctor had already called ahead to the E.R. The psychologist on duty looked like Beaver Cleaver, and I wasn't delighted with everything he had to say (for example, that it's possible these nightmares would just eventually go away all on their own), but it got us an appointment to be seen by someone else on Monday, when my hubby can have a full counseling session.

* The best part: he was prescribed Ambien to take for the next 7-10 days. He took it last night before bed and slept a full 8 hours without a single dream. Of course, I didn't sleep very well: I kept waking up to check on him. But I PROMISE tonight I will sleep soundly, reassured that he will not have these nightmares again, at least for the next week or so.

I think everything's going to be OK. He now knows where to find this site, has a guaranteed good night's sleep for the next week or so, and has some counseling upcoming. He'll decide if he wants me there or wants to be alone, whether he just wants to "talk" or have some pharmaceutical assistance for a while, and how frequently he wants to go. I wasn't worried about leaving him today. He looked well, he opened up a little, and I think I might even have access a few times today to the happy guy I usually know him to be.

Thanks again for all your posts. I'll be back often.
 
supportgirl,
i am very glad he was able to get the immediate help he needed. lack of true sleep can be debilitating in so many ways. i struggle with insominia constantly and have to do what i can to have some degree of sleep. in the long term i am convinced he will be okay, and you will as well. why? there will be times when it really gets ugly, but the way you have shown your love for each other have paved the way for the healing in a loving embrace that is constant, mutual, honest, and has the integrity and honor to last. let me know if there is anything i can do.
 
Yeah, keep coming back - please.

I have a feeling that you are doing the right things pretty much by instinct, but you need support as much as he does, and you'll find it here.

It's also good to throw those ideas that you're undecided about at someome disconnected from yourself. We might not have the 'right' answer, and we might all disagree as well, but it adds to your thought process, which can only help.

It's great news that he read this topic, I think he'll begin to believe that he isn't alone in this and that will make a difference.

If he's a bit unsure about coming here himself then maybe he can just read some of the posts you might print out, there are always new guys coming to the Male Survivors forum, and their posts are always worth reading. They come here and seem to gain 'something' almost immediately.
And I've NEVER seen a new guy treated with anything but kindness and understanding.

Hang in there, I think you're going to make it.

Dave ;)
 
Support Girl - thanks again for caring so much. We all have different but similar experiences here and will support both of you where we can.

It has helped me so much just realising that I am one of many (although in some respects I would feel better if I was the only one).

Not long in the recovery process, but much recovered!

Best wishes again ...Rik
 
First, welcome here. I hope that you find help here for both yourself and your husband.

Just first, one thing that caught me as I was reading your story. Your husband's previous wife stating it does not happen in her culture. I would like to differ on that. I have some Asian friends, and have have one (female) who has said it happened in her family, to herself and her sister. As you can see here, it happens in the US, Canada and Great Britain. I am from Russia, and it is a part of culture there (a growing part, as is child prostitution, I'm afraid). It is nice to believe that somewhere on this earth, there is a culture (or more then one) where this does NOT happen.

Your husband has just pulled off the scab. Yes, it is an old wound, one that has partly 'healed' just through time. In making the decision to deal with his past, he has ripped off the scab, and yes, it will bleed again. It will feel worse before it feels better. I have a friend who somehow managed to shut off all his emotions while his abuse was going on. Now, he is 'feeling' again, both good things and bad. The good things, they confuse him, and the bad things make him wish he didn't feel at all again. But there is no short cut, there is no way to cheat this. The only way 'out' is through. He is very fortunate to have such a strong and supportive partner while dealing with this. I truly believe that will help him greatly.

I wish you both the best of luck with all this. It is hard work, but I believe that the end result will be worth it, for all us.

Leosha
 
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