Nightmares keep on coming (TRIGGERS!)

Nightmares keep on coming (TRIGGERS!)
C

crisispoint

Registrant
I haven't had many abuse-related nightmares recently, and now they're coming full force almost every night.

They are full sensory, which means I experience everything all over again, only moreso. I wake up in the morning and I deal with all the emotional garbage of being abused, raped, whatever, and occasionally, I have to physically release the tension from my body's response to it, making me feel all the more guilty and ashamed.

This stuff is NOT my fault! So why is it that I'm made to pay for this crap again and again and again!?

I hate these m***********s with every fiber of my being for making ME feel that I'M to blame, even when I KNOW I'm not! And worse, making me relive it YEARS after the fact. Making me DEAL with the same issues of guilt, stimulation, etc., years after the fact.

I was a kid, so when I was aroused, even during the horrific parts, it wasn't my fault and I don't blame myself for that. But when I wake up NEEDING to get rid of the arousal as an adult, shouldn't I KNOW better?! Shouldn't I NOT be aroused by my abuse?

I hate them for, even today, hate myself. :mad:

I'm sorry to vent like this. :(

Scot
 
Scot, the conscious/thinking you is not being aroused by memories/nightmares of the abuse. You have zero control of your body giving autoreflex responses. In fact you may very well have been needing release regardless of the fact you experienced an abuse related nightmare. Even an old fart like me has an occasional morning erection. (I'm always pleasantly surprised) And yes, sometimes it is in response to a sexual dream, and not always a wanted or appropriate one. Do not go beating yourself up over this. I know its the shits to have to relive things through a nightmare, but it is a nightmare and nothing more. Your body's response to it is completely out of your control. Peace, Andrew
 
Scot,

I was gang raped for about 11 months, so I have had a lot of similar dreams also, and yes, I have had to get release physical also. There is no shame in the normal functions of our bodies. The only shame is to be felt by the perps that do this stuff to others!
 
youre not at all to blame for having physical reactions, both as a kid, and now. i often have really awful nightmares too. and i wake up sweating and shaking and crying. physical reactions that i cant control. just like you cant. waking up aroused is essentially the same as waking up sweating and terrified. you have no control over your physiological reactions while youre asleep. it wasnt your fault then, and its not now.

hugs
 
I understand needing release, but why the shame and guilt?

It's good that you have a clear understanding that's it's not your fault, and it's miserable to relive the abuse over and over--especially in dreams which we have no control over.

When I get the urge to "release" after a bad dream or trigger, I have to make myself wait because I try to really think if I'm just reenacting the abuse and therefore reinforcing the abuse cycle. After I've come to a concensus that I clearly know that I'm not reenacting the abuse do I allow myself to continue.

I have found that those times that I have "convinced" myself that I was not reenacting the abuse when another part of me perhaps was were those times when my sexual addiction started to take hold again and retard my life. It still happens, I'm not quite there yet, but it happens less frequently.

I'm sorry you are having these troubles and wish you some peace.

Best,
Scotty
 
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