newbie
I want to say I am new member of the board. I have reason to believe I was abused by a friend when I was young. I an wondering if this is possible? I have read it is possible but am scared that I am imagining what happened as abuse.I have started a journal and this seems to help me in my recovery but i still suffer from physical effects like anxiety attacks and intense fear. it's been over 30 years since this happened and I have delt with in in the past o.k. but since I stopped drinking I have had a reaccurance.O.K. so without going into too much detail I will give some info on what happened to me. I think it is proper protocol to warn that I might trigger some bad memories in others so be warned if you read further.
from my journal:
we used to bath together I guess without much contact but then I remember him bringing one of his fathers Hustler magazines into his room before we bathed and we looked at it reacting to the photos I reacted in a natural manner ( HE) touched me first but not in a that boys touch each other exploring he touched me to make me feel good. I asked him how he learned to touch like that and what I was called . He said Its called the felt and my dad showed me it! I swear I am not imagining that is what he said. I dont remember if it was that same night but our sessions continued to escalate. I remember being in the bathtub with him and he used his mouth on me I didnt have orgasm and yes I knew what they were at 7 cause I masturbated all the time. Then he had me try it on him. I was reluctant but did it anyway. I did not enjoy it like he did when he was on me .In fact I quit right away. The next part is very vague but I will try the best I can. I guess I enjoyed playing with him in the bath tub cause it happened a few more times I think. I remember one time he pissed in a shampoo bottle when I wasnt looking and told me to drink it . I did and I spit it out mad at him. Its still very vague if this all happened one night or not. Then I remember (HE) leaning me over the tub and asking me to stay like that. His parents used to come in bathroom when we were there checking on us . I think I remember his dad being in there before this happened. I felt something happening behind me at this time I dont know if it was (HIM) or his father who entered me but I DID NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AT ALL!!. I quickly flinched and I felt my head being held under the water for a few seconds and a lot of scuffling near my feet. When I was let up I saw a flash and it was (HIS) sister with a Polaroid ( the kind that doesnt need developing). After the bath ended I saw the photo and it showed me and (HIM) fully erect standing next to the tub I had a surprised look on my face. How does a 9 year old boy get the sexual prowess to coerce me into assuming the position of anal penetration if he hasnt been molested himself?
That night me and (HIM) were sleeping in the same bed and I got a sick feeling in my stomach and wanted to see my dad right then so I got up and walked home.
Sorry if it is tough to read cause I edited some names and stuff out but believe me it is all true from how I remember it.Was I abused? I should say later on in our 20's I confronted him and he denied it calling me crazy like my mother claiming it " ran in the family". Anyone who can help will be greatly appreciatd thanks
from my journal:
we used to bath together I guess without much contact but then I remember him bringing one of his fathers Hustler magazines into his room before we bathed and we looked at it reacting to the photos I reacted in a natural manner ( HE) touched me first but not in a that boys touch each other exploring he touched me to make me feel good. I asked him how he learned to touch like that and what I was called . He said Its called the felt and my dad showed me it! I swear I am not imagining that is what he said. I dont remember if it was that same night but our sessions continued to escalate. I remember being in the bathtub with him and he used his mouth on me I didnt have orgasm and yes I knew what they were at 7 cause I masturbated all the time. Then he had me try it on him. I was reluctant but did it anyway. I did not enjoy it like he did when he was on me .In fact I quit right away. The next part is very vague but I will try the best I can. I guess I enjoyed playing with him in the bath tub cause it happened a few more times I think. I remember one time he pissed in a shampoo bottle when I wasnt looking and told me to drink it . I did and I spit it out mad at him. Its still very vague if this all happened one night or not. Then I remember (HE) leaning me over the tub and asking me to stay like that. His parents used to come in bathroom when we were there checking on us . I think I remember his dad being in there before this happened. I felt something happening behind me at this time I dont know if it was (HIM) or his father who entered me but I DID NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AT ALL!!. I quickly flinched and I felt my head being held under the water for a few seconds and a lot of scuffling near my feet. When I was let up I saw a flash and it was (HIS) sister with a Polaroid ( the kind that doesnt need developing). After the bath ended I saw the photo and it showed me and (HIM) fully erect standing next to the tub I had a surprised look on my face. How does a 9 year old boy get the sexual prowess to coerce me into assuming the position of anal penetration if he hasnt been molested himself?
That night me and (HIM) were sleeping in the same bed and I got a sick feeling in my stomach and wanted to see my dad right then so I got up and walked home.
Sorry if it is tough to read cause I edited some names and stuff out but believe me it is all true from how I remember it.Was I abused? I should say later on in our 20's I confronted him and he denied it calling me crazy like my mother claiming it " ran in the family". Anyone who can help will be greatly appreciatd thanks